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Im thinking of giving up on life im 19. Been addicted to pmo since i was like 13. I would watch it everyday and jerk off a couple of times a day. I had
one friend few years ago who got me into weed. I would smoke it with him I would get anxiety attacks paranoia and depersonalization. I would carry on smoking I think i was kind of addicted to it because it felt better to watch porn and masturbate. I would carry on smoking even though I was feeling really bad and it would carry on for few years mabye and to this day I dont feel normal. I have anxiety social anxiety constant depersonalization I think been through depression for a few years. I have been hospitalized a few times tried to commit suicide a few times. I dont remember ever being normal I dont remember most of my life or my childhood. I used to suffer from adhd as a kid and I would be all over the place my parents told me before. I was bullied in school my brother would say nasty stuff to me. I have a disorted view of my face because i cant believe that someone can be that ugly. I always see that face when im talking to people which makes my anxiety worse. I havebeen on so many anti depressants and anxiety meds but I dont think i ever felt fully normal. I dont really know how to talk to people i have been diagnosed with autism or aspergers but I dont really believe it. My parents dont agree too I feel hopeless I dont see myself having a good future i live with my parents. I dont know how I would cope being alone when they pass away. I cant even cope being in school I go back to the memory and I ask myself why did i carry on smoking weed. If it made me feel so bad and my life might of went different if I didint smoke at all. When i got caught in school having weed on me I got kicked out. Thats when things started I think it was a breakdown the person i was smoking with I thought he was my real friend but he just pretended to be one. One night I was on a depression chat and I remember seeing blood or something on walls. Then i would see things moving I run downstairs and i saw someone looking through theglass door. I was terrified but i ran outside and i would hear something evil laughing at me. and I would be really paranoid i thought someone is chasing me. I think it was a psychosis episode I have seen doctors and everything im being treated by a mental health team for a few years. For a few months i been having some ocd stuff I had sexual thoughts about jesusand i would think i was going to get possesed. It went into some obsessions and now I struggle with some intrusive thoughts. My doctor said its not ocd but what is it then. Dont see the point in living the anti depressants are helping with suicidal thoughts at the minute. But they are making me feel worse in other ways I have no friends no girl no life. just wanted to share this with someone because i dont feel like things ever will be normal sooner or later i will have to commit suicide.