Please someone...I need help...PLEASE HELP ME

Did you offer to get a brand new email address?
My SO offered a new email address as part of the moving forward part so it would be clean of all the porn spam.

 

Take a deep breath, and count to ten. I can’t tell you why you are making these mistakes, and I don’t think anyone can help you if you refuse to be accountable for you own actions. Take the time to be mindful of your situation, the impact of your actions on yourself and others. Slow down and think about it. Stop reacting or knee jerking to every little thought you have.

To your situation, if you didn’t want that email, why didn’t you just create a new one? Deleting everything and purging it on the surface appears like you are hiding something. You must admit to yourself what you were hiding, perhaps tell your partner and be totally honest, not have truths or partial stories that sugar coat reality. Don’t try to soften the blow by l acing out details.

Really ask yourself why you did this. Communicate it to your partner. Half the battle is understanding ones or actions or urges and being accountable for them. Once you understand them you can begin to control them, and make a conscious effort to correct your bad behaviors. You are stronger than this, and can get through it.

 

What is the consequence?
Each boundary has a individual consequence.

 

Hmm that is rough...
But if you didn't break the lying consequence...
Boundaries are rough.
We even addressed "Grey Area" in our list.
What Grey breaks And consequences entails.
Do you have a clause for this?

 

I just started a thread, in honor of this. In reboot in relationships, called the Grey in the boundaries

 

I feel like this should be a discussion on a larger platform.
I know we have a Grey Claus and I started a boundary thread a while back, but I don't think it was discussed about the Grey much.
It's a good topic!

 

Sorry if this is contrary to other opinions here, but this is what crossed my mind - Maybe purging your past mistakes isn't necessarily a bad thing entirely. If you definitely won't forget them/let this mistake turn into more mistakes (you certainly seem remorseful enough about this that you won't forget), what's the harm in removing those things that could potentially trigger a relapse? I don't know what was in the emails, was it P you had saved or conversations with people from hookup sites or something like that? If so, I'd think it's definitely a good thing to get rid of.

Huge kudos on telling her immediately. I hope, though she is hurting, she can notice the effort you are putting in and how truly remorseful you are. I can tell you want to change, and I hope she can too. Telling her that quickly means that you are not being entirely selfish. Sometimes in the fog of the moment we do stupid/selfish things. All of us, SO's included. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Oh I wasn't saying the actual act wasn't good... But it's a bandaid.
If anything (and most likely yes) was in the email, it will be back before weeks end.
Because email is one of the fastest, easiest, reproduction of handouts to porn there is.
So he needs to fix it... The whole situation.
However, he should be proud when the fog lifted he called her immediately.

 

I don't think the issue here is deleting the emails. This issue is that he said their agreement was that he would only do it when she was present. He didn't. That is lying, trust broken. I think whatever consequence you have for lying could apply here. You weren't lying to her about it after you did it, but you lied saying you wouldn't do that and then you did. And yeah I think getting rid of old emails is actually a good thing, but you should have stuck to the agreement you had. Trust is super important, especially after a PA, so that needs to be priority #1, do what you say you are going to do. My husband has messed this up as well. It happens, it's going to happen. Don't beat yourself up. Just realize what went wrong and work hard to fix it.

 

Fair point.

 

I missed that part, that's definitely valid and something to pay attention to. Thanks for holding me accountable! Broken promises = Broken trust. You're absolutely right.

 

How does she feel about the consequence part?
And that is good. You are taking this and learning from it, that is the best you could hope for out of your mistakes. My husband did the same, and so far, he hasn't let it happen again. He saw what it did. He desperately wants my trust and he has realized that even stuff like this can set that way back. It is a good thing to realize that now rather than way down the line, IMO.

 

I love that we can do that here! I just wanted to voice that because I've been in that exact situation. When it wasn't my husband's actions I had a problem with but the fact he said he wouldn't do X except for Y, and then he did X. For me, it did set the trust back.

 

couldn't agree more

 

Hi, I'm the SO.

I established a boundary which was for my sense of security. I have experienced four D-days in my relationship with @CowardlyLion, and after each I'm left feeling unstable and frightened. Establishing boundaries (with consequences (Thank you @Kenzi)) is my attempt to find a foothold in otherwise unstable ground. It is like trying to get a hold of sand that slips repeatedly through your fingers.

Yes, I am appreciative that he told me immediately. After my initial upset, I did emphatically let him know this and will continue to reassure him in the coming days that he made the right decision in coming forward. Yes, I notice the effort he is putting toward his recovery. We have daily discussions about it. Please understand, however, where I am coming from. This is a man, who I love dearly, who has Smiled and lied to my face, repeatedly. The first lies date back to almost the beginning of our courtship. And the lies were very often in the name of selfishness.

The boundary we established was specifically that he wouldn't Touch or read his email at ALL without me near. We explicitly discussed us Not deleting them until we had such a time to sit down and empty the account together. This was for my own well-being, because although I love him, my partner is not someone I can trust at the moment. I have prayed to God to make it so I can trust him, but until I am able, I can only trust my own eyes. Now, I am in a position of wondering, and you know that imagination can be 100x worse than reality.

I did intend to have the emails deleted eventually. I do NOT want this to be our lives forever. I adore this man. I upheaved my life and moved almost 2000 miles to be with him. He is my everything! The issue, like @TryingToHeal said, is not ultimately even the emails. It is that he Chose to go around the boundary I established, and Chose to further sacrifice my security. I know he is trying to change. I don't read his journal here, out of respect, unless he tells me there's something he needs to share, but I do read his other posts and of course I can see he is trying. He is a very sensitive man, which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.

I just want to feel safe in my relationship and feel that I am being respected and heard. I do not believe I am being unreasonable. I don't enjoy feeling like the "porn police", and CowardlyLion will attest that I am constantly reevaluating the system we have in place to see areas where I can pull back. And the only reason I have felt confident enough to even consider pulling back is because he Does try. The goal is to work toward me trusting him again, and him being someone trustworthy.

I am sorry for the charged message, @WantsToBelieve. I don't mean to attack you personally, only to clear up misunderstanding.

And Kenzi, thank you So So Very much. Your posts are always a great pleasure to read. My partner and I have since had a discussion about the "gray area" and we've decided on a consequence for those that is specific to our situation. After talking, I do feel much better, and we've both reaffirmed our love for each other and our determination to make this work.