Please tell me it gets better

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn, Nov 10, 2017.

  1. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry I didn't see this until now. I haven't been on a lot the past week or so.
    Are you okay?
    I'm sorry that he gets defensive - That's so hard to deal with.
    I really wish some of these PA's could understand that being clean isn't enough.
    They have to help us repair what has been broken.
    But they seem to think that everything will go back to normal when the PA is gone. (which it never truly will be - abstinence does not equal recovery)
    Hope you're alright, darling. Feel free to PM me on the conversation we already had going.
     
  2. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, it's okay, I haven't been on much lately either. Not sure why, it's not like I don't have time. We have been doing a lot this week individually and separately, with our therapists and doctors. I'm feeling a little optimistic. Every journey starts with a first step, we just have to figure out how to get off on the right foot.
     
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  3. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    Awesome. I'm glad to hear it.
     
  4. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    How do you break free from the spiral of "how could he do this to me?" And '''will I ever get over this or be sad forever?" As soon as I start feeling optimistic a trigger sends me out of control, and my husband never knows the right thing to say. He really wants me to read his SAA book but I feel like it's his effort for me to see that it's not his fault and I hate when he redistrubutes responsibility. I need to break the cycle!
     
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  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Have you ever heard of betrayal trauma? Has he?
    @TryingHard2Change has some videos called Helping her Heal you might find helpful.
    And @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has some by Everett Bailey that are amazing.
    I hope you feel better soon!
    I'm so sorry you feel so unoptimistic.
    I hope you have a better day.
     
  6. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Sorry you're struggling. This is a very tough process for sure!! I'm glad you're both doing therapy individually. Have you considered couple's therapy, too? It made a huge difference for us!

    Also, I highly recommend you and your husband read "Love You, Not the Porn" and also "Hold Me Tight." They really helped us understand our dynamics and how to improve them.
     
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  7. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Check out the resources thread in my signature and you will find some great videos and articles to help you through this!
     
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  8. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone! We have been in therapy but then we're usually only okay for a day or two until our next therapy session. I really appreciate the resources, it gives me something to do and some hope that things can get better.
     
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  9. TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn

    TheRoadGoesEverOnAndOn Fapstronaut

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    Update time. He finally watched the Helping Her Heal videos (after my aggressive prodding for weeks) on Sunday and admitted it gave him insight into my feelings and how to interact with me in a more positive way instead of getting defensive. Then Monday he talked to our therapist about it and she said we need to talk as a group about him being able to share his feelings - so getting defensive, since that's all he's capable of? He came to my appointment today and I told them that the scales have tipped, the bad outweighs the good, and I don't want to keep waiting for him to work himself or for things to get better. I know what I want and I need and I'm not getting it. My therapist implored me to slow down and think about the long term implications leaving would have, but 8 months of sadness and fighting with no end in sight is leaving some nasty scars too. And I don't want to put on a brave face when we're with friends and family anymore, or wonder if he brought his phone into the bathroom every day, or worry about our next fight in front of our kids. I don't want to try anymore. None of the therapy, exercise, antidepressants, relaxation exercises, alcohol, distracting behaviors - none of it provides as much relief as giving up and not caring where my marriage ends up. I feel empowered after watching the videos, but maybe it's clouding my judgement. He wants to give it another try with better communication but I feel like it's too little too late. Should I keep hanging in there?
     
  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    That's a decision only you can make, and if you do decide to give it another go around, maybe set a reasonable timeline.

    For me, the first year and a half after DDAy my husband was abstinence not working recovery and I was driving myself crazy wondering why he wasn't trying. Once I realized he was abstaining and not recovering, I chose to see what it's like when he works recovery. I also said that by the time our child can have memories things should be settled and in the past because I don't want our son's first memories to be of us fighting, that's not fair to him. I think that has also been a motivator for my husband, knowing how serious I am about leaving if certain requirements are not met (like daily recovery activities- journaling, nofap, etc.)

    So maybe set a clear and hard timeline and, of course, with addiction recovery, timelines are different for everyone and both people's needs have to be met, so maybe say in 3 months I expect you to be able to come and talk to me on your own without me begging you to talk about all this.

    I hope you can figure out what you want to do, we are all here to support you in whatever decision you make :)
     
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  11. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    Can't tell you what you should do, you're the only person who can truly answer that. What I can say is that I think there's a glimmer of hope.
    I feel your pain. It does seem like the fighting will never end sometimes.
    I also have to chase my SO for answers and even the slightest hint of empathy. And it drives me batty.
    The fact that your husband is in counseling, actually beginning to open up, says something.

    I saw a thread earlier that kind of seemed.... unfair? to the part of me that wants my SO to focus on my pain. (Thread is linked here.)
    It was about us as SO's needing to approach this whole addiction issue with grace and be "the bigger people".
    As much as I hate doing that, and think it's completely screwed up for us to have to be the first ones to provide the empathy our partners need....
    There was a good point to it.
    But if you can't do that, if it makes you feel like there is unequal footing in the relationship, you're completely justified and I understand.
    And @AnonymousAnnaXOXO speaks the truth about a timeline. It can be really eye-opening for them.
     

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