Please your advice about my thoughts

My thoughts, If,
[#1] you watch porn .. and want to stop .. and you cannot
[#2] you masterbate .. and want to stop .. and you cannot

Then, you have come to the right place. This NoFap community can and will help you. YOU must do the hard work...we can just come alongside you and point you in the right direction.

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Your wife's weight has NOTHING to do with #1 or #2. Focus on yourself and your problems..that is all you can change and control.

 

As a SO I find this post so sad. I am grateful that you are being honest, but I find it devastating that the woman who pledged her life and heart to you looks less than to you because you chose to PMO over women who probably (most definitely) don't even look like their photos or videos in real life.
Pay for your wife to get her hair/make up done, hire a top notch photographer who will light her perfectly and shoot her at flattering angles, then have him edit out every imperfection, nip in her waist, thin her thighs, make her skin look glowing and freckle and blemish free then tell us how she compares.

 

My thoughts about your thoughts are that you are ok, and that you appreciate the good in your wife already. As a woman whose weight has fluctuated wildly at different times I’m grateful that my husband hung on during the bad times. You’re hanging in there too. It’s hard NOT to compare. I compare my husband to the rugby dads, the cricket dads, the school dads. I don’t think it’s a PA thing, it’s just how my brain works.

Thanks for being brave to share x

 

@topjobm8two: take a breathe.

The reaction you are hearing and feeling is because in your comment, you had 6 distinct paragraphs ... 4.5 of those 6, you concentrated on your wife's weight / comparing her to other mothers / maybe you could do better / she has back issues because of her weight / not super overweight..a little bigger than normal.

STOP IT. Simply stop that.

Focus on yourself. Are you addicted to M'ing? Are you addicted to P? If so..focus on that reality / focus on what damage PMing has done to your marriage / focus on what tangible steps you are going to take in removing PM from your life / focus on all the pain you have caused your wife.

When a majority of your post is about your wife's weight....you are completely side-stepping the core issue. Don't take offense to people calling you on the carpet for it.

 

@topjobm8two: I just read a good portion of your old account...it sounds like you have been through a rollercoaster battling PMing. (by the way, I hope your dad made a recovery from the ICU)

If you don't mind me asking you a direct question: do you consider yourself a porn addict?

 

Stopping PMO is not a magical cure all to all marital problems. If your wife's weight bothers you now it will likely bother you after you are no longer looking at P.

I think it would be a good idea for you to do some additional research and self reflection about why looks are so important to you. There must be some books about "loving your body as it is" or some such thing. You could then apply these ideas to your relationship with your wife.

I would also suggest trying to include your wife in your own fitness regimen if possible.

 

What tangible steps have you taken to distance yourself from P as much as possible?

* habe you installed porn blocker softwate on your laptop/computer?
* what about OpenDNS on your homr WiFi router?

 

I appreciate your honesty....if you have taken no tangible steps to distance yourself from P -- then you aren't taking this problem / this addiction seriously. Coming onto NoFap is a great first step! And I'm glad you are here engaging with the forum. But you have to educate yourself / internalize what you read / personalize it / and then apply it.

For porn blocker software on your laptop/computer, I recommend Sophos Home (link here) .. it's free, just turn on the Web Filtering after you install it.
For your home WiFi router, look up OpenDNS's Dashboard: OpenDNS (link here) .. it is free. You have to sign-up for an account, configure your WiFi router to use OpenDNS's DNS servers. It usually takes around 24 hours for it to all sync up and start to work. But then, all of your web requests from your home WiFi go through OpenDNS, and when porn is turned off ... you simply get an OpenDNS Blocked page. And this applies to ALL devices on your home WiFi (computers, smartphones, etc.)

These are just deterrents....you can of course use 3G/4G -- or disable any of them. BUT, they are at least a little bit of a roadblock, that you have to actively clear---put work into stopping / turning off. And hopefully that little bit of work will prevent you ... or you will catch yourself.

BUT, it's really all up to you in the end. You have to WANT to change.

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I also recommend finding an accountability partner in the Accountability Partner forum.

And read, read, read...learn all about PA / learn about recovering from porn addiction. Come to the reality that you are addicted to porn -- really believe it -- and then educate yourself about how to restructure your life to combat it.

Fill the void that you used to spend PMing with something else .. anything else. Workout regularly; pickup a new hobby; read about PA; etc. If you don't fill your time, you will be drawn back into P.

I find reading and keeping up with ALL of the threads and comments in the Rebooting in a Relationship forum and its sub-forum Partner Support -- that is extremely helpful in helping me remember how much of a problem PA is .. and how much it hurts my wife .. and with those two thoughts in the forefront of my mind, it helps me keep sexual sobriety a top priority.

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Good luck. Keep coming back here / keep writing in your journal, daily / keep reading and educating yourself about PA.

 

My comment had nothing to do with making myself feel better-I was advocating for your wife who is obviously being compared to an immpossible standard which is completely unfair to her. And I think your defensiveness shows that you are aware of this.

I am not judging you. I wrote that I am grateful for your honesty and I replied honestly. I can suspect that your wife feels your issue with her weight- wives know things, and I imagine it is devastating for her to feel your lack of desire. My pointing out that fantasy is far from reality and how the standard you compare her to is fake is not my judging you. It is reality. A reality that needs to be accepted so you can see your wife as the beautiful voluptuous Goddess that she is.

 

The fact that you feel guilty and want to change your perception shows that you really aren't the superficial asshole you're afraid of. I empathize with you. I have also struggled with superficial thinking. My father is superficial and I was negatively affected by my parent's marital problems. When I was younger I thought I should marry a supermodel so I wouldn't mistreat her. I also struggled with depression and low self esteem because I judged my own body just as harshly. I felt unlovable and unattractive. I fought to let go of these destructive thoughts. My wife is overweight. She was overweight when I met her. I love her deeply and have never felt this way about anyone else. When I decided to marry her I vowed to myself to forever let go of any fantasy of being with a thin woman. She is trying to get healthy and wants to lose 100 lbs. She is tall and muscular beneath the excess and would still be curvy at her goal weight. I sometimes struggle to help her because I am afraid of being the superficial asshole that I was as a young man. I feel guilty when I notice average women that are smaller than she is. Get sober: a significant streak of no PM will bring you clarity. You say you think you could do better but recognize a broken thought process. If you know that these thoughts are broken then ask yourself why you have them? IMHO the superficial thinking is a subconscious symbol of other problems in the relationship. Keep in mind that while you could start a relationship with a slimmer woman you will likely have other challenges in the relationship. Let go of any fantasy that your life would be magically better if you had a slim wife. Sounds like you have other issues in your marriage that have nothing to do with her weight.

 

I think maybe something beneficial would be to make a list of all the things you love about your wife. The reasons you chose to marry her in the first place to remind yourself of all the good. Maybe she can do that too? Like a healing activity for both of you.

Also does she know about your PMO addiction? If she does, then yes she took a hit to her self-esteem most likely. If she doesn't know, she at the very least knows something is off. She knows your attention probably has been elsewhere. (Trust me we SO's always know something is off, we often just don't know what)

Also wouldn't back pain make it harder to exercise?? Walking is great exercise but if she is in pain, she shouldn't push herself too hard. Has she talked to a doctor about the back pain?

Also, she may sense your attitude towards her and her weight and may feel ashamed. Have you two discussed this topic together openely and lovingly? Communication is key in any relationship.

It's good that you are aware of all these thoughts and desire to change them.

Not all addicts find their partner less attractive after PMO abuse but some do, but once you get away from PMO for a while you can have clarity and be out of the "porn fog" as many call it.

(I mean none of my comments to be judgemental, I apologize if you take it that way. I tend to comment on posts with questions to get the OP to think and delve deeper)