PMO addict ex/husbands Or partners who were angry at their SO...WHY?

If he's got an AP, it's certainly possible that the AP is supposedly "counseling" him on marriage issues, but really working to turn your husband against you.

 

Usually people that have an AP act horrible to their SO because they project everything they feel guilty of on the SO. That is, if he has one.

As far as pmo addiction goes, i also think you end up hating everything about your SO to justify your pmo use. You pmo because she's not this, that etc, basically you make your SO responsible for your pmo and rationalize that if only she was different, you'd not need to pmo.

 

Sorry for replying as an SO, I know what you really need at this point is to get input from PAs. Just letting you know my heart goes out to you in this shitty time and that you are not alone in your experience.

You see, one day a vile man came home wearing my husband's face and body. This individual was perpetually moody, mean, withdrawn and even on occasion, violent. Shortly afterwards, I found out about his heavy usage of pornography, which explained our non-functioning sex life. My husband used to be one of the loveliest, calmest, kindest and most reasonable people I've ever met. This new person hated me and looked at me with disgust. I've cried myself to sleep over this more times than I can count.

It has been like this for a long tortuous year and I've known about the porn for about half a year. Without the porn he slowly reverts and become somewhat nicer. I've done a lot of research and it seems like the horrendous mood is down to porn consumption but also depression. It's common for depressed men to get really nasty to those close to them, it's common for depressed men to consume porn, and lastly, it's common for porn addicted men to become really depressed. The brain changes in ways that very much affect reasoning and personality.

I really wish you all the best and that you find the answers you are looking for.

 

One of the reasons, I believe, is that when you're depressed, you'll automatically hate anyone who's in a good mood, or has things "going" for them in life, and you'll want to take them down.

 

I read your journal and you wrote you got a string for "bad boys" before you got married. Having someone come over from a different country or culture doesn't solve anything, it only complicates things further. So your "bad boy" just took longer this time.

Many people nowadays select partners based on two criteria: Who's giving the tingles and/or how the sex is like. And that's why they identify porn as the core problem in their relationship. Your first post on this forum with your story doesn't contain the word "love" even once.

There actually three kinds of love: https://markmanson.net/three-loves-theory

Two of them, Lust (sex) and Passion (romance) actually fade after a few years, so they are not really suitable for carrying a marriage. Only the third one Commitment (choice) is the one, which lasts.

Most states implemented no-fault divorce, because shifting the blame doesn't serve a point. Long term compatibility is there or it isn't.

 

It's not appropriate for me to judge anybody. There is a reason why divorce courts don't look for who is fault anymore as well.

One thing to consider is that you were really sure you found Mr. Right. However with your relationship history you had already a lot of good men removed from your dating pool by that point (means these men wouldn't consider dating you or they are simply taken already). The male abundance hides this fact pretty well - you will never run out of options. However good options get scarce quickly.

 

I don't think you being in this situation has anything to do with your past dating experience, that conclusion strikes me as rather absurd. I don't think this has anything to do with you at all. Before, SOs of any kind where labelled "co-dependent", meaning that they somehow purposely picked difficult men, due to upbringing or whatever. This has been shown time and time again to be false and the theory is largely abandoned, except of course for some clowns in here, who happily blame their own misery and porn addiction on women.

Your husband is mean because of changes in his brain, may it be porn (porn causes cerebral grey matter to shrink), depression, both or something else. Nothing you do or say can make a person behave badly all of a sudden. Healthy happy people adjust their behaviour to be appropriate even if they don't like something, or they remove themselves from the situation; they do not stick around being cruel to their spouse or close family.

 

The OP is trying to make sense of this tragedy in her life. Pointing a finger at her makes no sense to me. Why do it? FFS, Why? It’s like rubbing salt into a wound, just plain sadistic at this point. Have a heart.

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For me I got into the violent porn and women in my mind were worthless pieces of meat to use and abuse for pleasure. Never lived that way in real life but it was my thinking. I’m single, never married, and almost zero experience with real women.

I did feel guilty about what I was watching so that led to me avoiding contact with women.

But at the same time I hated them because I felt I had no girlfriend because they rejected “nice guys” like me and only wanted “bad boys” like the men in the porn videos. I’m the “nicest guy” in the world yet they’re rejecting me was my thinking.

All totally illogical of course. Porn leads to an over the top fascination with women as sex objects but at the same time leads to hatred of women.

Throw all that into the vat of isolation that comes with the porn habit and you have a very messed up man.

I’m just speculating but I suspect your husband is going through these illogical thoughts.

Perhaps:
-He hates you because you aren’t like the women in porn, capable of looking like dozens of different women in the space of 30 minutes and capable of doing dozens of sex acts in the same amount of time.

-He hates you because you and the baby are in the way of his porn and fantasies.

At the same time,

-He feels guilty and instead of taking responsibility for his actions he’s twisted things around in his head and blames you for his porn habit and the junk he watches.

-He feels depressed/frustrated because he realizes his fantasies will never be fulfilled and once again blames you for it even though no human being could ever fulfill his fantasies.

He’s in a world that no one is going to be able to shake him out of. And I’m not going to give you any false hope. There is no telling when he’ll hit his rock bottom and make a change. Some men don’t.

Men are responsible for their awful choices. SO’s are left with the terrible choice of sticking it out in hopes of change (at risk of awful things happening and they have) or getting out of the relationship along with all the hardships that go along with it.

 

The first part of my post was directed to people trying to blame the SO.

 

Sorry that you’re going through this.