PMO Addict in serious relationship (new here)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Sooka123, Aug 13, 2020.

  1. Sooka123

    Sooka123 New Fapstronaut

    Hey all,

    Long story short, Ive been addicted to PMO over the past few years, which gradually started off in a “responsible” way and has now presently/recently been excessive and self diagnosed as an addiction. I live with my partner of 2+ years and we have a very good relationship together (M/F, I’m M25 incase wondering).
    Can’t really fault much in our relationship, but every time I’ve got time alone etc I find myself in the same constant trap and circle of PMO. And it’s progressing more, I try so hard to avoid it and I’ve tried many times to quit cold turkey for good but it just feels like I’m spinning my wheels and developing a fucked up cycle. I’m starting to resent sexual activities with her due to this (thankfully she doesn’t have high sex drive), and this really makes me feel shit because i usually have a high drive for those things, and to let porn affect that just stresses me out and upsets me.
    She isn’t aware I’m PMO addicted, but she is aware of my recently developed anxiety, stress and even depression, which I all blame on PMO (for the most part).
    I feel so shit lately because of this bad habit, and I literally research forums and shit every day for advice, and I waste so much time isolating away from social life and just feel so down and anxious lately. Feelings of guilt and disappointment. Never thought PMO was bad back years ago when I first discovered it, but it’s literally like an extreme drug addiction.
    So I’ve finally made the choice to personally reach out to this Nofap community for help and any advice. I want to beat this habit for good and improve my life and relationship. I want to start living again.
    Thank you for the time to read and I appreciate any form of advice and words.
  2. chip_danger

    chip_danger Fapstronaut

    Welcome. Great job sharing this and reaching out. I’m new here too after lurking for a while (32 yo male). I had a 72-day streak of no PMO last year and I’m recommitting now (on day 20) after relapsing for months.

    Here are a few thoughts that come to mind:

    1. Pace yourself:

    If you haven’t gotten far yet, just try to go one day, then try to go 3 days, then try to go one week. You just might fail, but pay attention to how you feel when you fail after going a few days. For me at first, I realized the benefits and felt like a better person all around when I would go for several days without PMO. I had made PMO such a regular habit that getting to 1 week without it was so eye opening to me in that it made me feel so much better. Then I’d relapse and it would become clear to me in comparison that my quality of life was worse off because of it. This cycle repeated for a little bit before I got on a long streak.

    In other words, setting an initial goal of a few days, or one week, is small enough to feel attainable. And it will give you perspective when you relapse because you’ll have something to refer to in comparison. Right now I’m guessing you might not know what it’s like to be PMO-free for a week or two, so it’s hard to see what you’re missing.

    2. Keep track:

    I like tracking my streak in an app. It gamifies it and makes it more motivating for me to be able to visually see the unbroken chain of days. There are lots of habit tracking apps that do this.

    3. Tell your SO:

    I also have a longterm partner and I told her about my problem and my desire to improve. I don’t share with her every urge and every detail but I talk about it with her periodically. It can be a really difficult thing to do but consider it. It is a huge relief to be honest with your partner and it will provide some accountability. You might find it easier to do this once you’ve got the hang of cutting back on your PMO habit a bit.

    In any case, I wish you the best. Just keep trying and keep coming back here for support.

    I find it very helpful to make a habit of checking in on these forums. Whenever you feel an urge to PMO come on here and start reading people’s posts instead.

    Keep us updated on your progress and challenges.
  3. Hey @Sooka123, welcome to the forum. It great that you've recognised the problems that your addiction is causing you and have taken it upon yourself to do something about it. I'm 25 years old and married, and my addiction almost completely destroyed my relationship. I've been clean for almost a year now and my relationship is in a far better place and my desire for sex is much improved.

    I agree with the advice that @chip_danger suggested, particularly talking with your partner about it. This addiction thrives on secrecy and the only way to overcome that is to be open and honest about it. I had so many attempts to quit on my own but it wasn't until I finally opened up to my wife and started posting on here that I finally made progress.

    I'd also suggest starting a journal on here and posting in it regularly. This is something that's really helped me with my recovery and the support of the community has been invaluable. It's also good to reach out to other members of the community as we are all in the same boat.

    Best of luck with your journey!
  4. Amazing advice, thanks for the posts you guys.
    I think you have a good chance at success because you are practicing a courageous amount of self awareness already without anybody forcing you to do so. You might be in a small minority of PA in a relationship that took responsibility and decided to improve their behavior without the relationship falling to its knees.
    Lilla_My likes this.
  5. Rafal

    Rafal Fapstronaut

    I'm in the exact same situation

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