PMO habits & behaviors

-damn brother. I didn't ever share stuff, but collecting content was a huge motive for me. I'd spend hours collecting files and not even revisit them. I'd then delete everything out of shame, but soon after, I'd regret deleting it and collect everything again.

I'm into dance vids and would spend hours ripping them from youtube, delete them and then spend hours downloading them again. I'd be gutted if they were deleted and that would reinforce the need to "collect" material.

Same with websites, I'd get a bunch of passwords, download the content usually file by file and then delete it, only to regret it later.

I'm such a dick!

 

I compulsively collect content too. I never even look at most of it again. Crazy, huh?

 

I used to collect things, and haven't for a while. I set up my browser to delete all history and cookies so there would be no trace of what I was looking at.

 

So you're the one!

Jk, I think many of us have similar habits as you but less obvious. I never saved anything but I enjoyed trying to get around filters as a thrill in minor ways (which was a huge time waste). The thrill, social, and sexual aspects combine for a deadly habit. The key is to replace them with real social behaviors, thrill of working or serving others, and cultivating meaningful relationships with family and friends.

 

I deleted a TB 1/2, collected over about 10 years, 28 days ago. Most of it came from tube sites where I learned how to download the flv's and convert them to mp4's. Many I didn't look at again but I did have a number of favorites. That was one of the big problems, I'd see someone I liked and figure out who they were and then search other sites for more vids. I finally got fed up and dumped it all and have been good for 28 days. I quit drinking on my own after 30 years so maybe I can hack this too.

I have a question. I'm much older, 63, than most of you people but I haven't had an erection since I quit. I assume I could get one if I went back but haven't really had much sexual desire in regard to my wife. What are some of your experiences?

 

I had a habit of spending hours on sites with cam girls. Staying in the "free zone" and then coercing them to show me tits and pussy. Or, if it was couples, coercing them into demoing BJs or "that she could take all of the dick" or something similar.

It had a kind of "seducer" or "conquest" feeling to it - getting women to do stuff for me. (Although I was a total liar because I pretended it was to "help" me get my dick hard for a private session - which I never intended to do).

Then I would often take screen dumps when they got explicit, and paste that into document files. Sometimes I would review the really "good" stuff, but a lot of it I would seldom look at.
It was the "hunt and conquest" thing that appealed to me.

 

I'm guessing you need more "desensitizing" from all those "high stimuli fixes" from porn.

I suggest you seek out more "real" connection with your wife. Body proximity, caressing, kissing a bit. WITHOUT the plan being for sex. And then have this go on longer and longer each time / each week.
Combine it with a good pillow talking maybe.

(That's a normal advice for couples who seek to rekindle their sex life. Esp. the classic one where the woman is rejecting/avoiding sex a lot because she lacks the connection and doesn't get "ready").

 

Ah, thanks. Actually it has been a difficult couple of years with her having a really bad back with subsequent surgery about six months ago. She also has a cyst and is considering an hysterectomy after her back gets better. Her discomfort gave me more of a rationale for my behavior I suppose.

 

This is a really interesting thread to me too and I think that in a lot of cases there is another emotional need being met by PMO habits as well as the dopamine pleasure response thing.

Okay so I'm going to contribute a little about my habits so anyone feeling 'relapsy' feel free to skip this next paragraph.

Basically I had a time of being into amateur porn sites where you could e-mail the model and discuss fantasies and stuff. I found I couldn't really get the 'hit' I needed without forming some kind of relationship with the model, discussing fantasies, complimenting them, to the point where we had regular correspondance. Obviously not all models had the time or inclination to do this so I spent time finding the right model for me, often this was the major factor for me, nothing to do with how the looked or what they would do in pictures. I then moved on to camgirls, as this was more immediate and faster paced (and financially painful...)

So, my theory is that my PMO dopamine pleasure hit I was addicted to was linked in to some kind of emotional need to be accepted and wanted. It's like I was using this safe controlled environment (for me, obvs) in order to meet this emotional need without fear of rejection or humiliation, if something went wrong I could just disconnect, unlike in a real situation. So although I was by no means some recluse, I still socialise and generally do just fine, I was still hooked on this fake situation to meet this need and feel less stress and get my pleasure fix.

I see this as similar to those who were sating their obsessive/compulsive habits by collecting pictures. Or perhaps with you Volition a need to challenge yourself or maybe even assert superiority or gain acclaim from others? Hasten to add I am just throwing these ideas out there, by no means judging you based on a few posts I read!

Anyway, apologies for my amateur psychology, would be interested to know if this is along the same lines as you were thinking Volition.

 

^Clearly, I also see a lot of the habits and preferences around our accessing / collecting porn and pursuing MO to be synthetic substitutions of real life experiences. Usually with more "kick", intensity and instant gratification, and less risk.

 

I know that after I stop PMO things are all messed up. I have not had a "natural" erection since I stopped but like you am sure I would be ragging If I opened a browser and started hitting sites. The odd thing is if I PMO I usually wake up the next morning with an erection which I would think would be the opposite but who knows?!? I agree with the pillow talk, kissing and touching without any expectations (especially given your wife's health) and let things reset. Good luck!

 

I agree with most of your comments Volition. I used to be a member of a forum kinda like this but for trading and posting Porn. I LOVED it because it combined PMO and social interaction. Like you I got off on people enjoying what I posted. There would be Themed posts like post you favorite whatever and it would be like a treasure hunt. Then I couldn't wait to log in and see what people thought of my posts.

As for collecting I used to sign up for a "Day-pass" and download an entire paysite and save it for later, then delete out of shame or fear of getting caught. Then later get it again. More recently what I would do is only save my favorite videos and scour the internet for videos I used to have saved (like stalking an old girlfriend?!?) and keep them in a vault app on my cell phone for mobile fapping. I don't know if you were serious about the OCD but I am diagnosed as OCD and I think that feeds into this whole thing, especially the wanting the old deleted porn back again.

 

Hello everyone, I kind of had a nightmare of a woman I met in a company party, although we did nothing just dance I felt like a complete idiot since I am married...Well, that was just a year ago and three days ago I made the commitment on this program...the thing is that the lady was pregnant, and oh yeah she said was mine...? what??? talk about a weird nightmare...let me tell ya, it will help me keep on track on this program if I had this kind of nightmares every night! Does anyone had some of this unusual dreams?, I feel like it's my brain trying to relate reasons of why I want to do this in the first place...family matters and happiness as well, I know this time around, with the group help format like this site, it's going to be different. Stay strong everyone...

 

The other times I have quit I started having vivid dreams during the withdrawal period, some of them about sex, some violent some both. This time I am taking a prescription to help me sleep and I hope to skip that part. It is very unsettling. Good luck!

 

Phew, yeah after I posted that I was worried how it might come across!
Glad you took it in the interests of science!
But yeah does feel good to air this stuff, reading what I wrote about my own habits and rituals still makes me cringe.
I still look at it like it's some other person, but having to take responsibility for what I do when I am in a PMO haze helps me avoid relapsing I think.