Porn Addiction and HOCD?? HELP!

Good going, SpideyMan. I know you can do it. The hardest part is not paying the thoughts too much attention, or they will increase their hold over your brain, and will continue to crop up in your subconscious, such as when you are asleep. This happened to me, when I had spent all day thinking about whether I was gay, and I had a dream where I was about to have have sex with a guy, to test myself to see whether it seemed right in my dream. I then told the guy I needed a pee, which I actually did, and I woke up to pee. Sounds weird, and it was. When you said that you were worried that you didn't have HOCD because you didn't feel depressed/low/anxious, and then started questioning yourself again, that seems to be a classic tactic used by the HOCD. It makes you doubt yourself, and leaves you feeling even more confused. I have got to the point where I can start to tell the difference between my anxiety and real arousal, which is both good and bad, as there is still a level of doubt. Like you, I also got a flush when I saw a good looking guy, which made me feel even worse. I thought that I was actually attracted to them, but it felt like it wasn't really me who was thinking/feeling this. The fact that anxiety makes you feel the same as when you are aroused only makes guys like us feel worse. Take deep breaths, and think of something else. I tired to imagine myself actually having sex with a guy, and couldn't get aroused. I just felt too anxious and panicky, which of course my HOCD hijacked brain made me think was arousal. However, couple of days ago I was looking at a girl, and pictured what it would be like to have sex with her, and got an erection. If and when this happens again for you, don't use it as "proof" that you are straight, as it will just start the cycle of questioning and checking again.

I'm just under a month into my NoFap challenge, and believe me, the first weeks are the hardest. See if you need meds for your anxiety, avoid all porn, fantasies etc, and when troubling thoughts come up, try to immediately think of or do something else.

I know how you feel man, and it sucks really badly. If you look at accounts on YBOP before you stop checking and researching, you can see that it takes a really long time to get through the HOCD hell. It can take months, even once you reached and passed the 90 day no PMO mark.

Keep going and stay strong. You can do it.

 

Hmmm... this thread is taking an interesting turn... There is a huge battle now in the US, which the whole world is watching. The progressive leftists are trying to outlaw the reparative therapy for ex-gays - in other words, for those who don't want to experience same sex attractions (SSA).

But judging from the OP's thoughts and concerns, there are indeed some men (and women) who really don't want to have SSA. So I wonder what the outcome of this all will be? Because if reparative therapy will be banned, none of us will be able to (legally) suggest staying away from gay porn and refusing to embrace one's homosexual desires and SSA.

Smells like discrimination to me... Very interesting... I want to see how this all ends.

And to the OP - while I still can say it: if you don't want it, man up and fight it. Your life is indeed what you make of it and nothing and no one should tell you how to live it.

And yeah - stop PMO completely, or at least for prolonged periods of time.

 

Hey Spidey.

Not sure if I had/have HOCD or not. I can understand the confusion as to whether it is HOCD or you are bi/gay/whatever. I still don't know. And yes, consistent porn exposure completely warps natural sexual desire. To the point where you might not know if you are naturally gay, or if it is induced. It is a scary, scary process. In most porn the penis is the pleasure focus and it is so easy to change desire from girl -> penis without realising.

Quit porn. Take it easy. Dont freak out about gay thoughts.
If in 6 months time (without PMO) you still find guys attractive then you will know for sure. And then you will have to take a journey of self-acceptance.
If you no longer find guys attractive: congratulations, you recovered from HOCD successfully.

Thoughts are just thoughts. Laugh at them. Sometimes I'll look at a guys butt and think "man, that is a nice butt". And then laugh it off.
Maybe you have conservative parents/friends who wouldn't accept it if you were gay? I know I have.
The anxiety you might feel from this has nothing to do with whether you are in fact gay or not; you might be holding on to other people's anxieties about sexuality.
In the end, it is only YOUR opinion that should matter on this topic. I have no idea if I am straight/bi/gay right now, but through reflection I have come to realise that whatever I find in the future, it is ok.
Hell, be excited about going through this journey of discovery. Maybe you will be bi 6 months down the line? Who cares! If that is truly what you are, its fine! My point is that your anxiety is not constructive. And I know how difficult it is to break out of the anxiety cycle. Really.
Be patient. Accept that you have been somewhat a victim of porn. Choose not to be the victim any more.

Reserve judgements on your sexuality until you are rebooted. Try to rewire with a girl if possible, and even experiment with guys if you find you are genuinely curious. There is no 'correct' sexuality until you are free from PMO.

 

This thread is fascinating. I have no idea, but could HOCD could also stand for heterosexual obsessive compulsive disorder?

Are there gay men who knew from their earliest memories that they only desired other males? Gay men that start to get intrusive and scary straight thoughts? Do some gays find that they find themselves out looking at a female's bum and thinking to themselves "that's a nice ass"? What if gay guys start to panic that they might be bisexual or even straight!? What if such men have always had same sex attraction, but they experiment with some straight porn and find their focus is more on the female actor and her parts, rather than the male? What if a guy gets confused because he enjoys masturbating to straight/lesbian porn and getting strong erections and cums really hard from it? What if same sex guys feel distressed because, when they try and enjoy their previous gay genres, but it doesn't feel very exciting? :'(

 

You can have sex, but just be aware that it will likely slow down the time it takes to reboot and that you will get a "chaser effect" following sexual activities.

 

Please read the following thread.

http://www.nofap.com/forum/showthread.php?25411-HOCD-Let-s-talk-about-it

What you are experiencing is typical HOCD behaviour. You'll also be interested to know a lot of straight guys jerk off to transgendered person porn. There was a google vid on it some time ago.

I would say to overcome this go overboard on your anxiety. Go to gay bars, wear a T-shirt with 'I am gay.' But only in your home not out in public haha. Use the word gay, at the moment I bet it cuts you like a knife.

I used to be the same, and over exposure helped. Luckily, I've never had any arousal to gay or transgendered person porn so that was never an issue but I did have ocd tendencies.

A reboot is in order. And don't read what the guys on empty closets say. Obviously, they think everyone is in the closet. You sound like you are not.

If in doubt take the gay test:

http://www.gay-test.com/

You'll laugh about this later

 

I don't think stereotyping people is funny now or later tweeby.

 

The test just underlines the ridiculous nature of 'testing if you are gay.'

Which is what a lot of HOCD sufferers experience. You can't possibly go 22 years of looking at straight/lesbian porn having a girlfriend, yada yada yada and then at the age of 22 turn gay.

This is typical of a user who has escalated his porn usage. The arousal is not sexual, it is merely a dopamine fix of wanting something more, just like all the straight guys who wack off to transgendered person porn.

Just like I've trained myself into liking girls who are getting gang banged which I'm sure isn't an ordinary fantasy of normal non-porn user guy - this guy has unfortunately trained himself into getting aroused by gay porn.

OP if you need to PM me feel free.

 

He sounds like he might be gay - really? What does that sound like?

 

I wouldn't see a therapist.

I did the same thing, and all of them think you're in the closet. All therapists want to put a label, put you in a box... Like they're thinking, why are you here? You wouldn't be here if you didn't think something was wrong would you?

But this is the nature of OCD and more specifically HOCD. The symptoms are typical of a gay person. Most therapists don't have this on the DSA, or the term HOCD is not formally recognised so they are quick to put you in the gay but in the closet box. It could escalate your symptoms.


Best thing is when you hit puberty you should have had fantasies and they probably were all girl fantasies. That's the acid test, what is happening now is just BS... Your heavy usage of porn has warped your desires. You are aroused not by sexuality but more by anxiety. The more anxious you are the more aroused you get.

what you write doesn't sound like the emotional stories true closet homosexuals write about.

 

Faaabbbbbbbbbbulous! <-Sorry couldn't help it.

 

On a serious note, the other thing I wanted to add, which you will no doubt find out on Monday if you go through with this.

Therapists NEVER give you the answers to the questions you're searching for. As a therapist it is their job to listen to you waffle on. Actually, a good therapist does EXACTLY this. A good therapist will guide their subjects to the answers they already know in themselves.

As an OCD sufferer you will find this further infuriating. You just want someone to tell you you're either gay or straight, hopefully straight and bam you'll be better!

Sorry pal that ain't gonna happen, if you're paying for therapy it could be a financially bad decision. Like I said feel free to PM me, I got some extensive experience in this.

 

OK, fair enough (but be careful of stereotypes of all kinds). I have had therapies and they vary a lot. I wouldn't suggest they are all similar in their approach. There are various therapeutic models. You could ask the methodology he will use and the name of the therapy he is practised in. Then you can go and do some research and satisfy yourself if that specific discipline is likely to be helpful. His gender and/or his personal orientation is not relevant in my opinion.

 

Spideyman! I know what you're going through and I'm telling you it's 100% HOCD. I went through the EXACT same situation you went through. I'm 120 days no PMO. It's the porn man. Nothing else. Homosexual guys don't go through the anxiety of arousal, they go through anxiety of acceptance. I do not believe you can one day flip a switch and become gay (or bi). You would have had some inclination by high school. If you have never acted upon it or had the desire, you are not gay. Thoughts and fantasizes are just that. Thoughts and fantasizes.

I started with straight porn, went to lesbian, bi, group, and eventually gay. I never questioned by sexuality (I'm a straight man. I wasn't gay and never will be) until I stopped watching porn. HOCD is a side effect of stopping porn (and Ive been diagnosed OCD since I was 7, I'm 26 now.) Your brain is craving a drug, much like alcoholics crave alcohol and crackheads need crack. You aren't born with the desire to do those things, you TRAIN yourself to need them. And when you don't have them, you CRAVE them. Doesn't make them any better for you. The good news is this, much like Nicotine cravings from smokers, the urges and thoughts will go away once your dopamine is back to normal. Your nicotine will subside. I PROMISE YOU. I was going through depression, lack of appetite, no sex drive, the whole 9 yards. And from reading your posts, it's 110% HOCD. My best advice is strap up and hold the fuck on and DONT GIVE IN. It will get better. Stop watching the porn and stop obsessively reading and posting about HOCD 24 hours a day (sounds obsessive, doesn't it?). The second you stop caring, the minute it will go away.

Message me if you need any help, I'm more than happy to help you along. Sending good vibes your way, brother!