Porn Addiction and HOCD?? HELP!

I get into a rational mindset and realize that this isn't really me and it's just the OCD and the excessive porn usage. And then I start doubting my rational thoughts and get into a downward spiral and start all over again. It's like my mind is playing in a loop. I hope I can get some kind of treatment since I can't deal with this on my own.

 

I wish you luck. I relapsed again today and only searched for straight porn (although I came across some gay images and it made me nervous). I didn't look at any porn for almost 2 weeks... sigh.

Problem is that when I'm not looking at porn, I always have pornographic images in my head. That's probably a consequence of watching so much porn for the past decade or so, not to mention that I more than likely have OCD. My response was always to compulsively masturbate to relive tension and it basically turned into an addiction. The thing that scares me is that after a point, it seems to me that if I just think of anything sexual I can get myself to start masturbating. And it depresses me because I feel a "need" to masturbate, not a "want." When I'm done, I feel really depressed and guilty.

Well I'm resetting my counter as well. I need to find a way to keep busy. I'm weakest in the morning and at night (waking up or going to bed), so I need to get myself up and out of the house in the morning and perhaps find a way to distract myself when going to bed.

 

I just don’t know what to do. Yesterday I went outside and went out to eat with my girlfriend. The cashier was very flamboyant and it triggered me, so I was miserable while there. When I went outside, I kept getting intrusive thoughts and started doing compulsive tics in public again, and this sort of continued even after I got back home. I felt the need to look up women on my phone and see if I like their butts. I started feeling somewhat “meh” while scrolling through the images. Eventually I came across an image that featured a statue of a man with a very large and muscular butt. I got this horrible feeling of anxiety and this voice in my head kept saying, “you know you love that butt, and you know you would love to have sex with it.” This voice in my head is starting to feel like the truth and I’m starting to really believe I am attracted to men’s butts. **I have stomach knots getting tighter as I type this** Then the voice is saying, “Come on, you know you want to look up more images of men’s butts and masturbate to them.” I never did search more images of men’s butts thankfully… but I still went to bed thinking about how I am gay and felt very depressed.

I woke up exactly where I left off, thinking about how I’m gay and started looking at pictures of women’s butts. I masturbated to one of the images, but it wasn’t satisfying. I feel like I’ve either discovered, after all these years, that I’ve had a lust for men’s bodies, or the OCD is making me really believe that this is true when it’s not. Or maybe I’ve masturbated so many times in my life that my brain is looking for brand new things to get me excited. I can’t tell if the way I felt when looking at the man’s butt (or the statue of one really) was arousal, anxiety, or both. I don’t know. I can’t tell. But I’m miserable. I haven’t gotten a “rush” from looking at naked women in years. I can still get turned on or whatever, but there hasn’t been a RUSH of excitement. I’m so frightened!

I went outside and there were a bunch of people, both men and women, walking around in their underwear. I did everything possible to avoid looking at the men. And when I saw the women in underwear, I kept saying how I want to like her butt, but I don't know if I do.

 

I remember I used to see myself in the mirror while wearing underwear and thinking, "I have a nice bulge" and my girlfriend would like to touch it or grope me down there. Now I keep visualizing my own bulge and it turns into another man's bulge, and I keep visualizing him getting groped or me groping him. I hate this. And I can't look at a muscular man's pecs or chest either. I hate this.

Oh GOD...

Now I'm remembering when I was a child, maybe around 11 years old or so, I was watching TV. There was a video of a guy jumping on a trampoline in his underwear and I thought, "I really wish he would just do that naked!" I was curious about seeing his penis. But then again literally anything sexual just got me aroused or turned on at that age. I'm scared that this is proof of me being gay.

I remember when I was a high school freshman, all of my friends liked girl's butts. I always argued with them and said, "you're supposed to like boobs!" I never saw a girl's butt as something sexual nor did I pay any attention to it. I also found them kind of neutral when watching porn, although I had only been watching porn for a couple of years and only occasion since I didn't have high speed internet (sometimes I put on one of my dad's DVDs or searched for boobs on the computer). Eventually I started looking up images of girl's butts and realized how much I liked them. I always wondered: did I always like girl's butts, or was I swayed by the power of suggestion? I got high speed internet around the age of 16 or 17 I think and then my porn use seriously escalated.

Now I'm scared that the same thing could be happening with men's butts (I'm getting stomach knots now). People at my college would say that all of our sexual tastes are only learned, and no one is born straight. This is driving me nuts.

 

I live in NYC. So it's not much of a surprise that people would do this even when it's around 20 degrees outside.

 

You don't have much control over what you dream. I've had dreams during my HOCD that I find disturbing. But what scares me more is if I come up with a fantasy in my mind while I'm awake because I feel like I'm in control (in reality we don't have as much control over our thoughts as we would like to think).

I can't picture people having sex without the man's butt being almost he focus of attention. It really aggravates me. I feel like when I see an attractive woman, I don't know if I'm attracted to her anymore. And I keep imagining myself groping a bodybuilder's crotch while he wears a speedo. It is aggravating me so much because I'm starting to believe that it's a hidden desire of mine.

But one thing I've learned is that not only do we have little control over our thoughts, but they actually don't mean very much. Especially when your brain has been affected with excessive porn and masturbation. When you are addicted, your brain will try to use ANYTHING to get you to masturbTe and orgasm.

 

My therapist said, "why are you afraid of this? Maybe you are bisexual. It would mean you still like girls and can still be with your girlfriend." That just gave me a spike and didn't feel very great to hear. I don't want to be attracted to both men and women! :'(

I told him that I was afraid of losing my identity and that I've always liked girls growing up, not guys. I mentioned that once someone suggested that I was perhaps bisexual and i freaked out and cried in the bathroom for an hour. I can't deal with this...

So he was suggesting that my fear of being gay is irrational and then suggested that being bi isn't irrational (I know this therapist is gay, just to note). I'm very depressed now. There is a part of me that says, "it's okay to be bisexual, and I do know it's not something that defines me." But then I just feel depressed and start feeling like I'm denying it. I don't know what to do.

 

I am trying to answer that but I don't know. But even reading your comment gives me stomach knots and now I don't know what to do. I was never afraid of being bisexual in the past because I never thought about it, and I never considered it either: I knew I exclusively liked women. The thought of liking both women AND men is frightening. But isn't that a part of having OCD? That your fears are not usually rational?

It's like asking an OCD person who is afraid of germs why they are afraid of germs. At least that's what I assume. The thing is that we've come to the conclusion that me being gay is completely irrational. So I was feeling relieved for a while. But then the suggestion of being bisexual was thrown out there and now I'm spiking again. I keep getting suicidal thoughts and I'm scared.

 

I think the problem is that the therapist is not an OCD specialist, he is just a therapist. I think he had good intentions by saying, "you're definitely not gay, so maybe you are just bisexual." I told him earlier that I was afraid of being gay because I would not have my girlfriend anymore and lose my attraction to women. He said that couldn't happen. So from there he said, "maybe you are bisexual: you will still like women but ALSO like men as well." But I'm not just afraid of losing attraction to women, I'm afraid of being sexually aroused by men, too. It is actually terrifying. And I didn't know how to answer why I was terrified, but probably because it contradicts who I've been all my life. My girlfriend always said I was the straightest guy she'd ever known, but she would be OK with me being bi if I was--so it's not an acceptance thing. But whatever the case may be, the therapist gave me a spike.

When I got home, I started picturing a scenario of myself identifying as a bisexual man and saying, "there's nothing wrong with it." Then I picture myself holding hands with my girlfriend and having a good relationship where I love her, we kiss, get married, etc. But then I say, "I ALSO like men." And then it just ruins it. A dark cloud forms and I feel like I want to cry or commit suicide. It's horrible. Don't people who discover more about their sexuality feel good about themselves? Isn't it usually a good thing (with the exception of worrying about telling family and friends)?

I think I'm going to have to tell the therapist not to suggest that I'm bisexual in the future. It doesn't do me any good. If I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual then I can discover that for myself.