Porn Addiction and HOCD?? HELP!

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by SpideyMan, Dec 14, 2014.

  1. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Thistimethismoment - but the O in HOCD = Obsessive. Obsession is part of the pathology.
     
  2. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    I get into a rational mindset and realize that this isn't really me and it's just the OCD and the excessive porn usage. And then I start doubting my rational thoughts and get into a downward spiral and start all over again. It's like my mind is playing in a loop. I hope I can get some kind of treatment since I can't deal with this on my own.
     
  3. I know how you're feeling. I relapsed yesterday and looked at the sexual positions page on wikipedia, and saw a picture of gay sex. This is making me feel anxious just writing about it, but I felt a huge rush of anxiety and felt my chest tighten up like a vice. I got a rush of blood to the head, and felt both sick and excited at the same time, and I felt movement down there, and felt like it was shrinking. I guess this was the dopamine doing its thing. I then saw a picture of a straight sex position, and got properly hard. I then clicked off the page and felt pretty horrible. I'm not resetting my counter, as I didn't M or O, and didn't watch any porn. I hate my brain right now, and am having real difficulty stopping myself from compulsively checking and questioning myself. Oh well, the fight continues. Wish me luck.
     
  4. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    I wish you luck. I relapsed again today and only searched for straight porn (although I came across some gay images and it made me nervous). I didn't look at any porn for almost 2 weeks... sigh.

    Problem is that when I'm not looking at porn, I always have pornographic images in my head. That's probably a consequence of watching so much porn for the past decade or so, not to mention that I more than likely have OCD. My response was always to compulsively masturbate to relive tension and it basically turned into an addiction. The thing that scares me is that after a point, it seems to me that if I just think of anything sexual I can get myself to start masturbating. And it depresses me because I feel a "need" to masturbate, not a "want." When I'm done, I feel really depressed and guilty.

    Well I'm resetting my counter as well. I need to find a way to keep busy. I'm weakest in the morning and at night (waking up or going to bed), so I need to get myself up and out of the house in the morning and perhaps find a way to distract myself when going to bed.
     
  5. Saw guys in locker room on TV programme last night. Weren't naked, but just seeing their bare chests made my chest feel like it was going to explode while getting tighter at the same time. Before porn HOCD, this feeling of panic/anxiety never happened, and now it is. It's making me anxious just thinking about it. Wish I hadn't seen the programme now. Struggling to keep hold of the slow progress I've made. Any advice/help?
     
  6. heyitshannes

    heyitshannes Fapstronaut

    256
    21
    18
    First and foremost, remember why you're doing this dude. Hold on to that as tightly as you can.
     
  7. Betterman92

    Betterman92 Fapstronaut

    25
    1
    3
    This happened to me too bud.

    When I relapse, I start getting these intrusive homosexual thoughts. When I've abstained for a long time, they tend to drop off and become less noticeable. I think you're gonna be okay.
     
  8. I wasn't having any homosexual thoughts though. It was like I was so worried that I was going to be aroused that my mind and body went into panic mode. I just thought wtf? Anyway, thanks for the tips and help.
     
  9. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    I just don’t know what to do. Yesterday I went outside and went out to eat with my girlfriend. The cashier was very flamboyant and it triggered me, so I was miserable while there. When I went outside, I kept getting intrusive thoughts and started doing compulsive tics in public again, and this sort of continued even after I got back home. I felt the need to look up women on my phone and see if I like their butts. I started feeling somewhat “meh” while scrolling through the images. Eventually I came across an image that featured a statue of a man with a very large and muscular butt. I got this horrible feeling of anxiety and this voice in my head kept saying, “you know you love that butt, and you know you would love to have sex with it.” This voice in my head is starting to feel like the truth and I’m starting to really believe I am attracted to men’s butts. **I have stomach knots getting tighter as I type this** Then the voice is saying, “Come on, you know you want to look up more images of men’s butts and masturbate to them.” I never did search more images of men’s butts thankfully… but I still went to bed thinking about how I am gay and felt very depressed.

    I woke up exactly where I left off, thinking about how I’m gay and started looking at pictures of women’s butts. I masturbated to one of the images, but it wasn’t satisfying. I feel like I’ve either discovered, after all these years, that I’ve had a lust for men’s bodies, or the OCD is making me really believe that this is true when it’s not. Or maybe I’ve masturbated so many times in my life that my brain is looking for brand new things to get me excited. I can’t tell if the way I felt when looking at the man’s butt (or the statue of one really) was arousal, anxiety, or both. I don’t know. I can’t tell. But I’m miserable. I haven’t gotten a “rush” from looking at naked women in years. I can still get turned on or whatever, but there hasn’t been a RUSH of excitement. I’m so frightened!

    I went outside and there were a bunch of people, both men and women, walking around in their underwear. I did everything possible to avoid looking at the men. And when I saw the women in underwear, I kept saying how I want to like her butt, but I don't know if I do. :(
     
  10. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Where do you live, where "I went outside and there were a bunch of people, both men and women, walking around in their underwear"? :eek:
     
  11. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    I remember I used to see myself in the mirror while wearing underwear and thinking, "I have a nice bulge" and my girlfriend would like to touch it or grope me down there. Now I keep visualizing my own bulge and it turns into another man's bulge, and I keep visualizing him getting groped or me groping him. I hate this. And I can't look at a muscular man's pecs or chest either. I hate this.

    Oh GOD...

    Now I'm remembering when I was a child, maybe around 11 years old or so, I was watching TV. There was a video of a guy jumping on a trampoline in his underwear and I thought, "I really wish he would just do that naked!" I was curious about seeing his penis. But then again literally anything sexual just got me aroused or turned on at that age. I'm scared that this is proof of me being gay.

    I remember when I was a high school freshman, all of my friends liked girl's butts. I always argued with them and said, "you're supposed to like boobs!" I never saw a girl's butt as something sexual nor did I pay any attention to it. I also found them kind of neutral when watching porn, although I had only been watching porn for a couple of years and only occasion since I didn't have high speed internet (sometimes I put on one of my dad's DVDs or searched for boobs on the computer). Eventually I started looking up images of girl's butts and realized how much I liked them. I always wondered: did I always like girl's butts, or was I swayed by the power of suggestion? I got high speed internet around the age of 16 or 17 I think and then my porn use seriously escalated.

    Now I'm scared that the same thing could be happening with men's butts (I'm getting stomach knots now). People at my college would say that all of our sexual tastes are only learned, and no one is born straight. This is driving me nuts.
     
  12. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    I live in NYC. So it's not much of a surprise that people would do this even when it's around 20 degrees outside.
     
  13. I had a horrible dream last night. I had sex with a guy in it, and I remember thinking "let's get it over with" in the dream, and that I didn't really want to. I woke up feeling sick, disturbed and freaked out and now think this is actually my gay nature coming out. Now I feel like a fraud and that women will never satisfy me and that I'll never be able to lose my virginity with them. I feel like complete and utter crap. How come the night before I had a wet dream with women? What does that mean? Is that just a symptom of me being programmed by porn? I looked at Pornhub today without watching anything, and felt pretty disgusted by everything on there, so clicked out of it. I suppose that's the only good thing at the moment. Sorry if this post triggers anyone. Now I'll go back to my hole and hide.
     
  14. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    You don't have much control over what you dream. I've had dreams during my HOCD that I find disturbing. But what scares me more is if I come up with a fantasy in my mind while I'm awake because I feel like I'm in control (in reality we don't have as much control over our thoughts as we would like to think).

    I can't picture people having sex without the man's butt being almost he focus of attention. It really aggravates me. I feel like when I see an attractive woman, I don't know if I'm attracted to her anymore. And I keep imagining myself groping a bodybuilder's crotch while he wears a speedo. It is aggravating me so much because I'm starting to believe that it's a hidden desire of mine.

    But one thing I've learned is that not only do we have little control over our thoughts, but they actually don't mean very much. Especially when your brain has been affected with excessive porn and masturbation. When you are addicted, your brain will try to use ANYTHING to get you to masturbTe and orgasm.
     
  15. I really hate this HOCD, and don't even know if I even have it anymore. When I try to think of having sex with another guy when I'm awake, nothing happens. It's not like I think about it and then repress the arousal, nothing happens down there, apart from a bit of shrinkage, along with anxiety. Because of how this makes me feel, I am trying to stop this form of testing, but it is really hard. I was sitting next to a girl in class today, and I was getting really turned on by her. I wasn't using P fantasies to feel aroused when thinking of her, I just looked at her and got an erection, especially when she tucked her hair back. This just makes me more confused and wonder what the hell if going on? Like someone said on YBOP, I wouldn't have a problem with the HOCD thoughts if I was actually gay, I would accept them and get on with it. But I'm not, and my mind is driving me crazy at the moment.
     
  16. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    My therapist said, "why are you afraid of this? Maybe you are bisexual. It would mean you still like girls and can still be with your girlfriend." That just gave me a spike and didn't feel very great to hear. I don't want to be attracted to both men and women! :'(

    I told him that I was afraid of losing my identity and that I've always liked girls growing up, not guys. I mentioned that once someone suggested that I was perhaps bisexual and i freaked out and cried in the bathroom for an hour. I can't deal with this...

    So he was suggesting that my fear of being gay is irrational and then suggested that being bi isn't irrational (I know this therapist is gay, just to note). I'm very depressed now. There is a part of me that says, "it's okay to be bisexual, and I do know it's not something that defines me." But then I just feel depressed and start feeling like I'm denying it. I don't know what to do.
     
  17. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Why are you afraid of being bisexual?
     
  18. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    I am trying to answer that but I don't know. But even reading your comment gives me stomach knots and now I don't know what to do. I was never afraid of being bisexual in the past because I never thought about it, and I never considered it either: I knew I exclusively liked women. The thought of liking both women AND men is frightening. But isn't that a part of having OCD? That your fears are not usually rational?

    It's like asking an OCD person who is afraid of germs why they are afraid of germs. At least that's what I assume. The thing is that we've come to the conclusion that me being gay is completely irrational. So I was feeling relieved for a while. But then the suggestion of being bisexual was thrown out there and now I'm spiking again. I keep getting suicidal thoughts and I'm scared. :(
     
  19. SpideyMan

    SpideyMan Fapstronaut

    116
    1
    18
    I think the problem is that the therapist is not an OCD specialist, he is just a therapist. I think he had good intentions by saying, "you're definitely not gay, so maybe you are just bisexual." I told him earlier that I was afraid of being gay because I would not have my girlfriend anymore and lose my attraction to women. He said that couldn't happen. So from there he said, "maybe you are bisexual: you will still like women but ALSO like men as well." But I'm not just afraid of losing attraction to women, I'm afraid of being sexually aroused by men, too. It is actually terrifying. And I didn't know how to answer why I was terrified, but probably because it contradicts who I've been all my life. My girlfriend always said I was the straightest guy she'd ever known, but she would be OK with me being bi if I was--so it's not an acceptance thing. But whatever the case may be, the therapist gave me a spike.

    When I got home, I started picturing a scenario of myself identifying as a bisexual man and saying, "there's nothing wrong with it." Then I picture myself holding hands with my girlfriend and having a good relationship where I love her, we kiss, get married, etc. But then I say, "I ALSO like men." And then it just ruins it. A dark cloud forms and I feel like I want to cry or commit suicide. It's horrible. Don't people who discover more about their sexuality feel good about themselves? Isn't it usually a good thing (with the exception of worrying about telling family and friends)?

    I think I'm going to have to tell the therapist not to suggest that I'm bisexual in the future. It doesn't do me any good. If I came to the conclusion that I was bisexual then I can discover that for myself.
     
  20. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Please talk to a psychiatrist about your suicidal thoughts. You might even consider approaching these irrational fears with some form of anxiety reducing treatment. Tranquillisers should only be given for short periods. So, why not see if you can access Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? I regret that my question made you feel worse. :(
     

Share This Page