Porn Addiction & Our Children

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Kenzi, Aug 30, 2017.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Everyone seems to be scared to talk about how porn use effects kids...
    Their kids probably, specifically.
    I would like to discuss the next gen.
    As another member said, hundreds of kids are flocking to the site everyday, as young as 10 (years old) so this is clearly effecting the next generations.
    But what can we do?
    Well, I'm curious.
    What if it had been your daughter on Discovery Day.
    How would you feel?
    How would that have changed what happened?
    What if you got caught by your son?
    Has anybody here been caught by the kids being a PA?
    How did you explain this?
    How did it change Reboot?
    How did you disclose to your children about your habits... Or would you? Why or why not?
    Do you think it's important?
    Do you think your addiction effects your kids?
    How do you think it changes them?
    (i don't just mean the stress of fighting with mom, I mean like maybe they get upset because of special rules or something like that, they don't understand)
    How do you think it's different for children of different genders?
    I wrote once about a TV show where the daughter wanted to do a Girly calendar like the kind dad had in his office.
    Dad said No.
    He really did not offer any further explanation other than that.
    He eventually felt gross when he realized that the girls in the calendar he promoted were all someone's daughters... Something he'd never thought of.
    What do you think is one of the things that you are teaching (or taught) that you didn't realize was so influential under you were rebooting?
    What do you think you would do if you recognized all the signs and your daughter brought home a porn addict and announced she's marrying him..
    Would you say something? (she had no idea)
    What would you do if you recognized that your son was acting just like PA you?
    Or like his father?
    How much do you help?
    If you are still with his dad... If you left?
    What would change?
    What if he won't but dad did and rebooted successfully?
    What if this takes more than you have and it's a much worse addiction?
    What if brothers aren't as good at hiding addictions from sisters.
    What if a 12 year old son tries to come to you with a sex question and after beating around the bush for 20min it clicks in your head - PIED
    I feel like these are the things we need to ask ourselves.
    And prepare for the likely scenario that are kids will like porn.
    Or have seen it.
    How to deal with it.
    I'd love to hear some things about what everyone thinks.
    No bashing as we all, I'm sure have different parenting skills and styles and come from all walks of life.
    Thank you
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  2. Properitas

    Properitas Guest

    These are literally 27 questions (if I counted right)
    Do you really want them all answered?

    Could be difficult for someone with an attention span like a goldfish (like me, lol)
     
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    No... Just ideas I'm kicking out... People can pick and choose whichever applies best to them or whichever they have experience with
     
  4. Properitas

    Properitas Guest

    Well okay
    I don´t have kids so i can´t really relate.
    But when I do, they won´t be getting a smartphone or computer just to pacify them. I see this in so many parents. When their kid annoys them, they are just given a smartphone so they finally shut up. Can´t imagine what this does to a young childrens mind.
    And when they finally do get a smartphone or computer, I will install filtering and monitoring software.
    Also sex education. What children get in school as sex ed is a joke.
    This is a wooden penis. That´s how you put a condom on it, to protect you from pregnancy or STDs. And that´s about it.
    I will tell them how sex acutally works. The feelings behind it. That it´s beautiful, if you have the right person for it.
    And of course about porn.
    How dangerous it is, how much it warps our preception of sex. That this is not how sex should be in real life at all.
    And probably all that before they turn 10 years old.
    Hell of a job description, but worth it in my opinion.
     
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  5. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    @Kenzi asks a lot of questions--she's a thinker. But it's a huge topic with a huge impact.

    Sex education does suck and needs an overhaul. Included needs to be a frank discussion about porn and it's dangers, reality, etc.

    There also needs to tighter regulation of porn access. I'm a big time proponet of free speech but this shit is causing vast amounts of harm that far outweigh the possible pitfalls of censorship. Children are already NOT supposed to have access to it and yet all you do is click "yes I'm 18" and there you go. Seriously??? Not sure what tech or answer is but I'm sure we can find one. Porn is neither an essential right nor a necessary medium. People can live w/o it.

    You buy shit at an adult bookstore they can ID you. Need the same online. Parents need more education too. I get tired of parents letting their kids do any and everything O laptops and mobile devices. "I'm just not a computer person" they say. "This isn't ticking 1980" is my response. Everyone is a computer person now and the shit isn't astrophysics. You're a parent lock your kids shit down. Kids need better sex Ed--parents need Porn Education.

    At the same time we need to burn it down. The whole Porn thing. It's not working.the only other option is a shift in the paradigm (unlikely to happen) where porn stops being this fast-food serving of dopamine that seems to give users a fix in violent exploitation, inhumane treatment and emotionally devoid sex acts. If porn were more real, about sexually connecting, real sex as it happens and women aren't treated as living blowup dolls porn might have a slim chance to be useful, pogressive and possibly non-addictive. But that probably won't happen.
     
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  6. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    @Kenzi this is a huge topic. I think I have much to say on it, but need to collect my thoughts into something coherent. t's a tsunami washing over us - we need to do what we can, but honestly I wonder if there is anything meaningful we can do to help our children?

    more later..

    YES. is there another "legit" (as in not illegal) industry that is so horrible in every way? it destroys many/most of the people in it, it causes great pain and suffering to the consumers of it. where is the positive benefit of it?? it is like sex-trafficking, it is bad for everyone involved except those making $ from it.

    I too am an uber-free speech libertarian. I have advocated for legalization of drugs. but if there were a drug (maybe meth?) that caused this much damage, at all levels of its production and consumption - I would be for criminalizing it. when does something become simply too expensive in terms of human casualties to agree as a society that it is off limits??
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2017
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  7. Properitas

    Properitas Guest

    The thing is there is no answer. You can not filter every porn site on the web. Take China for example. The government there is blocking facebook. So what are the chinese people doing? Using a VPN or proxy to access it anyway.

    I have thought about this in great lengths and always came to the same conclusion:
    You can not control the internet.

    The only way to save our next generation, is to have a fully open and honest conversation about that topic.
    And for that, we need to create an atmosphere, where we can talk with other people about porn, without any shame or stigma or jugdement.
    A prohibition would fail, education would not.
     
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I didn't ask about filters and the internet.
    I asked how each individuals relationship with porn would impact children in a household and how that would go @DemonSemen if any had thought of this.
     
  9. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    The best defense is a good offense. Talking to kids is the only way b/c we do have influence. We can tell them what's really up and why it can turn bad. We can watch for the signs. And we can lock down the fucking router if we have to.

    But id rather teach the progeny to make a good decision based on reality.

    The conversation will start with sex. Before they have it. Then we segue into porn when they start toting mobile evinces and think they are smarter than their old man.
     
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    And what about the girls? How do we approach this subject with our girls who will more than likely end up with a guy who is well on his way to being a PA? So many girls have no idea wht is waiting for them. When do we shatter that innocence? Let me make clear...I know that there are girls that are PAs and also girls that are not so naive, but the reality is that the large majority of teen girls do not know what is waiting for them with the epidemic of porn addicted boys.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yes!
    What if a daughter discovered her PA father?
    Or what if her parents discovered her boyfriend over and "pooping" *cough cough* jerking off in their bathroom during a homework break to daughters IG pictures*? what is next?
    Is this the new normal?
    How do we go from here?
     
  12. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    Terrifying to think about it.

    Definitely have to be straight up with girls and tell them they don't need to tolerate that shit. Some dude jerking off in my house? He gets thrown out b/c that's just rude and disrespectful.

    Daughters need good self esteem and good confidence so they don't let porn addicted boys treat them like sex objects. They need to also be willing to lay down the rules "we can have sex, but we do it my way. If I say stop you stop." And we arm them with tools to make sure they don't get hurt (soft part of hands hit hard parts of body and vice versa). Daughters need a tool set that ranges from knowledge to decision-making to awareness to defense to lethal force (when necessary).
     
  13. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    This subject terrifies me. My nephew was looking up porn at 7 years old. Most of the kids I know have smartphones with internet access. My friend's 14 year old daughter was sending nudes to an adult pretending to be a teen boy. And most parents I know turn a blind eye. When my kids get phones, they are getting flip phones. That being said we have an open dialogue in our house. I really worry about my daughter and the expectations boys will place on her. She is strong willed and confident though and I will do everything I can to keep her that way.
     
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's terrible, yes
    Terrifying, also, yes
    However this is the world we live in.
    Where kids get kicked out of school for having weed but school won't make rules for men openly watching porn in the parking lot.
    (true story)
    Some PAs are worse than others and lack control... That's why it's a Addiction!!
    As younger and younger the crowd gets, the less rational it gets because, teens... Hormones!
    They aren't thinking straight anyway!
    So what is next with the new normal??
    & yes, throw his ass out @DemonSemen!
    I'm huge on respect too.
    It doesn't stop kids today, mine included, from struggling with the concept of "what is respect?"
     
  15. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    so how to handle the porn issue with kids...whew I have thought about this a lot. a lot. and found no satisfying answer. sigh

    education is always the first thought to come to mind. and it has to be done, and done well. not like it is now. yet if we're honest we know education alone will make almost no dent in this. yet it seems like that's the only tool we have - so what next?!?!

    if we break it down by age group or gender I think the discussion becomes more meaningful.

    Kids under 5
    these kids simply need to be shielded from porn at all costs. they need appropriate discussion of what to do id anyone touches them certain ways. etc. but if they find/discover porn it probably makes little sense, but who knows what it will do their developing brains?? this has to be off limits. no questions asked

    boys 5-10
    need porn access limited in everyway possible. it needs to be hard - they will still see it, but we need to make it frequency as low as possible. dumbest possible phone if absolutely necessary. no computer in room. need to overtly model a caring, loving, affectionate touching, fun relationship. severely restrict media that teaches otherwise (this is a PITA BTW). massive involvement and affirmation given by mother. Discuss porn openly - as a danger to them. enticing, but dangerous like drugs.

    boys 10-16
    continue to limit access as much as in your power. these boys have NO SENSE AT ALL. they are girl seeking machines. they will find as much porn as they want. we have to expect and know that. there has to be a way of speaking that is non-judgmental, to keep the doors of communication open. even more massive involvement and affirmation given by mother later - completely over the top. maybe at 13, the full effects of porn need to be discussed - ED, failed relationships, the human toll of models, the whole ball of wax. it probably wont help, but they need their rosy glasses mussed up a bit. also need discussions from both parents, but esp dad on how to treat girls, how to approach them, talk with them, understand them. girls should not be left as the "Un-understandable Species"

    I actually wonder if anything at all can deter these boys from using something so programmed into their genes that is so easily available, and so enticing and with seemingly no adverse side effects. this seems impossible to me. but we have to try.

    girls 5-10
    this might be the easiest group. in my experience girls in this range are not picqued by sexual things. I could be out of date...sad. anyway similar to boys: dumbest possible phone, overtly model a caring, loving, affectionate touching, fun relationship. severely restrict media that teaches otherwise. need dad involved with playing and affirming for beauty, but also for inner qualities. more education about inappropriate advances by others.

    girls 10-16
    need major discussions by both parents about what is happening to them. dad especially has to double his efforts to be attentive and affirming. lots of physical touch and hugs from dad (and I understand it's awkward for some). need discussions about what boys and men are thinking. discussions about actions from them and how they will be interpreted. implications of their dress and make up. porn needs to be discussed and the pluses/minuses for girls non-judgmentally outlined. also the effects of porn on boys - how it affects them and what the warning signs are (probably breathing).

    discussions of how to attract boys in the right way, how to act on dates, how to handle boys who are too aggressive. IMO opinion they need to know the parents are always behind them, protecting them.

    In my experience this is a super hard time for girls - all the changes are exciting, but fearful too. they need over the top affirmation from dad that they are OK, and beautiful -but I also struggle affirming them just for physical looks, so I tried to affirm for personality qualities too. ymmv.

    a last group: those about to be married
    I am just developing this thinking, but we do a seriously shit job of preparing youngin's for marriage. there needs to be formal discussion before AND AFTER about the specifics of many things, especially sex. what specific acts/props/frequency/etc each is expecting and comfortable with. Boundaries established. a communication paradigm established. this applies to things beyond sex, like vacations, housework, et al

    a final comment to the epically long and tedious post
    all the above about kids assumes no real change in society's attitudes towards porn. it's hard to imagine building a compelling case to maintain porn in our society in it's current form. it may have some positive aspects, but the human toll is so excessive that it seems any benefit is massively outweighed by the cost. yet it is PC to say nothing is wrong "if it works for you, then it's OK" and by so saying we are letting a massive societal turd stay in our punchbowl. IMO we need to treat it like a disease - we have no trouble saying polio is bad -primarily because of the human toll it takes, and we spent great effort and money to remove polio from our society. as a society maybe we should recognize modern porn as a polio-like virus - not everyone that catches it contracts the disease, but maybe 50% do and that is unacceptably high. we could unite ourselves to remove it, create more of a stigma around it, somehow add more barriers to entry, while we seek a means to eradicate it.

    I can imagine there might be porn-strains possible that aren't so destructive. maybe the human brain will eventually evolve the dopamine circuit to survive this predator, like the numerous other ones we supposedly evolved to survive in the past. in the meantime, there is a beast in the jungle that wants to devour our children. we cannot bury our heads in the sand.
     

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