LacklusterGeode
New Fapstronaut
While it hasn't caused all of my insecurities since I surprisingly frequent it very little, I still feel like pornography has contributed to my negative self image as a man
To preface, I'm a transgender man on testosterone, I'm 5ft tall, I'm not that muscular, I look much younger than how old I actually am, and I'm still quite effeminate looking much to my dismay (do I even need to comment on my lack of proper lower equipment?) So I bet you can imagine how I don't exactly feel like a real man's man all the time. The hormonal therapy and frequent workout routines, combined with a job that requires a good amount of physical labor, really helps me feel better in this department but it's really not enough. At the end of the day I still feel small, not in a rational way, but in perhaps an emotional way.
It's unlikely I'll grow any taller seeing that I'm almost 21, and even though I've been working out as often as my body will allow, it's still a slow process. Additionally, ftm lower surgeries cannot perfectly replicate a phallus, so it would be like I'd either stay small, or have uncurable ED. I don't feel like a man's man, and despite the fact that I know in my head I really am a man, it's difficult seeing myself as one - or at the very least, anything more than a manlet/man-lite. I've fallen into the trap of unrealistically desiring to become the huge well endowed gymbro I feel a lot of guys my age struggle to be.
The worst part is that a lot of these insecurities directly affect my relationship with my boyfirend. Even though he regularly assures me that he loves me as is and that he sees me as a man he's deeply in love with, I can't help but feel like he'd be better off if he left me for someone bigger and more physically masculine than I. Yes, I understand how that's an irrational thought, but as much as I want my feelings about the matter to line up with reality, I have such a hard time of doing so. I just can't help but feel like I'm undesirable when compared to taller, stronger, fitter, bigger, more endowed men. Hell, sometimes I even believe that if he weren't a virgin and had experience with a "real man" then he never would have even considered a guy like me to begin with. I feel like I'm disgusting and that I don't belong with anybody and that I would be unable to be satisfactory or desirable to anyone. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I'll see the kind of big dude I'm talking about and I'll start to think "he'd be a much better partner than me". I feel like I'm going insane. (in case you are wondering, I have been honest and I've told him about these issues of mine from time to time. I don't like to do so because it upsets him - understandably so. He is however, trying to support me the best he can, and I can't thank him enough for it.)
When it comes to pornography and how it's involved, what really kicked off the start of my journey here was partially because I would continually have such poor experiences with trying to improve my self image with pornography. I know it was a stupid idea. It wasn't even for the erotic components per say, I just wanted to see people with bodies like mine actually enjoying sex and intimacy, but I'm sure most people here know that most porn dealing with trans people or men with micropenises is some of the most fetishizing and degrading content out there. I just wanted to hear that I was sexually appealing as is, and that there was nothing wrong about the parts of me I can't change. Time after time, it went really poorly and just made me feel worse, until I just said fuck it and started nofap. It was the best surrogate I had at the time, since we're in a LDR and he's been dealing with some way more intense issues of his own, so this isn't something I'd want to bring up until he's feeling better.
I just want to feel like I'm worthy for him, that I can see myself as a man and that me and my body is worthy of being loved and seen as desirable in ways that are fitting for a man. I want to see myself as more than just a "cuntboy", or a target for SPH, I'm even the more dominant one in the relationship goddamnit and yet I don't have any confidence in myself sexually or otherwise. Like I still want to work out and hope that I get taller/grow a bigger dick, but I want to feel like I don't have to in order to be loved or desired, because I know that these thoughts and feelings would still persist.
I'm looking for advice of any kind, especially from other men who have also been led to feel less than adequate about themselves.
To preface, I'm a transgender man on testosterone, I'm 5ft tall, I'm not that muscular, I look much younger than how old I actually am, and I'm still quite effeminate looking much to my dismay (do I even need to comment on my lack of proper lower equipment?) So I bet you can imagine how I don't exactly feel like a real man's man all the time. The hormonal therapy and frequent workout routines, combined with a job that requires a good amount of physical labor, really helps me feel better in this department but it's really not enough. At the end of the day I still feel small, not in a rational way, but in perhaps an emotional way.
It's unlikely I'll grow any taller seeing that I'm almost 21, and even though I've been working out as often as my body will allow, it's still a slow process. Additionally, ftm lower surgeries cannot perfectly replicate a phallus, so it would be like I'd either stay small, or have uncurable ED. I don't feel like a man's man, and despite the fact that I know in my head I really am a man, it's difficult seeing myself as one - or at the very least, anything more than a manlet/man-lite. I've fallen into the trap of unrealistically desiring to become the huge well endowed gymbro I feel a lot of guys my age struggle to be.
The worst part is that a lot of these insecurities directly affect my relationship with my boyfirend. Even though he regularly assures me that he loves me as is and that he sees me as a man he's deeply in love with, I can't help but feel like he'd be better off if he left me for someone bigger and more physically masculine than I. Yes, I understand how that's an irrational thought, but as much as I want my feelings about the matter to line up with reality, I have such a hard time of doing so. I just can't help but feel like I'm undesirable when compared to taller, stronger, fitter, bigger, more endowed men. Hell, sometimes I even believe that if he weren't a virgin and had experience with a "real man" then he never would have even considered a guy like me to begin with. I feel like I'm disgusting and that I don't belong with anybody and that I would be unable to be satisfactory or desirable to anyone. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I'll see the kind of big dude I'm talking about and I'll start to think "he'd be a much better partner than me". I feel like I'm going insane. (in case you are wondering, I have been honest and I've told him about these issues of mine from time to time. I don't like to do so because it upsets him - understandably so. He is however, trying to support me the best he can, and I can't thank him enough for it.)
When it comes to pornography and how it's involved, what really kicked off the start of my journey here was partially because I would continually have such poor experiences with trying to improve my self image with pornography. I know it was a stupid idea. It wasn't even for the erotic components per say, I just wanted to see people with bodies like mine actually enjoying sex and intimacy, but I'm sure most people here know that most porn dealing with trans people or men with micropenises is some of the most fetishizing and degrading content out there. I just wanted to hear that I was sexually appealing as is, and that there was nothing wrong about the parts of me I can't change. Time after time, it went really poorly and just made me feel worse, until I just said fuck it and started nofap. It was the best surrogate I had at the time, since we're in a LDR and he's been dealing with some way more intense issues of his own, so this isn't something I'd want to bring up until he's feeling better.
I just want to feel like I'm worthy for him, that I can see myself as a man and that me and my body is worthy of being loved and seen as desirable in ways that are fitting for a man. I want to see myself as more than just a "cuntboy", or a target for SPH, I'm even the more dominant one in the relationship goddamnit and yet I don't have any confidence in myself sexually or otherwise. Like I still want to work out and hope that I get taller/grow a bigger dick, but I want to feel like I don't have to in order to be loved or desired, because I know that these thoughts and feelings would still persist.
I'm looking for advice of any kind, especially from other men who have also been led to feel less than adequate about themselves.
It was like I was invisible to this guy - not even a threat and somehow I just knew that this guy had a big penis. 
