Porn has mutated me...

[TheNewDawn106]

So I really overstepped yesterday...

I got so excited talking to someone that I invited him over. Thank god that he has work tomorrow otherwise I would really be in some deep shit right now.

I can't take these urges anymore! I don't even want to look at porn right now, I just want to rewire my fucking brain to stop these tendencies! My problem isn't just porn anymore, is compulsion and impulses. I'm weak to give into my desires like that, but I'm glad I gathered the strength and resolve to call it off. I'm still ashamed that I was willing to give up my Orgasm (still sober to porn and masturbating 9 days now) sobriety just to get off with a guy. A FUCKING GROWN ASS MAN! Jesus, what the fuck...porn has basically ruined my life. It is clear to me that I am so not ready for sex right now. What's worse is he didn't even believe in PMO. "You're just horny all the time, its great! Come over and lemme and help your desires." He wouldn't even compromise to do it at my place where I would feel safe.

I need help on how to resist the urge to act on urges, like when people say "don't even think about it." I want this poison out of my body. I can't stand putting myself out there anymore...it's driving me crazy and I'm standing on the razors edge right now. Somehow I stayed afloat last night, but like I said above my problem is why I get those desires in the first place.

Little side context: I was talking to this beautiful girl whilst inviting this guy over to my house, and lemme tell you I was 100x more exulted about getting a text back from her than him. He makes me feel empty and slutty, but I keep going back to him because (well this is actually a wild guess) he was my first semi-sex experience and it felt great. Meanwhile she was super into me and wanted to know more about my story! I know her personally from work so this could possibly lead to something. But even if we start dating I cannot handle the idea of sex right now. It's all just too much for me. I stared at my family album for a half hour yesterday to remind me why I do this. I do it for all of you too, to show you that we can do this together. And if someone with as many problems as me, for someone whose been a PMO since 12, then we can all get through this together.

I'm not resetting because I didn't look at porn, we didn't exchange nudes, i didn't jack off, and I didn't orgasm. So therefore I didn't break any of my sobriety rules...but that being said I have to seriously read up on impulse control. Any advice that people want to give is more than welcome.

~Dawn.

 

[Deleted Account]

So I really overstepped yesterday...

I got so excited talking to someone that I invited him over. Thank god that he has work tomorrow otherwise I would really be in some deep shit right now.

I can't take these urges anymore! I don't even want to look at porn right now, I just want to rewire my fucking brain to stop these tendencies! My problem isn't just porn anymore, is compulsion and impulses. I'm weak to give into my desires like that, but I'm glad I gathered the strength and resolve to call it off. I'm still ashamed that I was willing to give up my Orgasm (still sober to porn and masturbating 9 days now) sobriety just to get off with a guy. A FUCKING GROWN ASS MAN! Jesus, what the fuck...porn has basically ruined my life. It is clear to me that I am so not ready for sex right now. What's worse is he didn't even believe in PMO. "You're just horny all the time, its great! Come over and lemme and help your desires." He wouldn't even compromise to do it at my place where I would feel safe.

I need help on how to resist the urge to act on urges, like when people say "don't even think about it." I want this poison out of my body. I can't stand putting myself out there anymore...it's driving me crazy and I'm standing on the razors edge right now. Somehow I stayed afloat last night, but like I said above my problem is why I get those desires in the first place.

Little side context: I was talking to this beautiful girl whilst inviting this guy over to my house, and lemme tell you I was 100x more exulted about getting a text back from her than him. He makes me feel empty and slutty, but I keep going back to him because (well this is actually a wild guess) he was my first semi-sex experience and it felt great. Meanwhile she was super into me and wanted to know more about my story! I know her personally from work so this could possibly lead to something. But even if we start dating I cannot handle the idea of sex right now. It's all just too much for me. I stared at my family album for a half hour yesterday to remind me why I do this. I do it for all of you too, to show you that we can do this together. And if someone with as many problems as me, for someone whose been a PMO since 12, then we can all get through this together.

I'm not resetting because I didn't look at porn, we didn't exchange nudes, i didn't jack off, and I didn't orgasm. So therefore I didn't break any of my sobriety rules...but that being said I have to seriously read up on impulse control. Any advice that people want to give is more than welcome.

~Dawn.

Sup dude,

Good job on sharing your troubles with us. Also, congrats on 9 days of hard mode. Here are my thoughts:

So you're kind of desperate to clear yourself of these impulses. It's good that you know what needs to happen. However, sometimes we get panicked and think that we are trapped, and we tend to despair of ever breaking free. Don't let yourself panic. Stay calm. Take the proper steps, give it time, and your mind will heal.

You want self respect, confidence, cleanliness, et cetera, right? Messing around with this older guy will destroy those traits, and you have a weakness to being around him. The logical conclusion is that you should stay away from this guy. There's nothing wrong with intentionally avoiding a person when being around that person is a threat to your well being.

It's interesting that you mention looking at your family album in order to remind yourself of your goals and reasons. I too, have thought about those I care about in order to try to overcome my urges. Unfortunately, while that helps, sometimes it is so difficult to think straight during urges that we simply lose sight of the reasons why we need to stay strong and resist.

When that is the case, discipline is your best friend. The only way to resist those urges is through discipline and self-denial. It's kind of like being a fighter pilot. Fighter pilots have to be able to resist intense G-forces while flying at high speeds and making sharp turns. They are able to withstand those G-forces, which would K.O. most of us, because they train their bodies and minds through intense physical conditioning and mental preparation. In a way, recovering from addiction is the same. We need to train ourselves so that we can resist when the urges hit.

To do that, I recommend keeping a regular schedule (getting up and going to bed early), avoiding sugar in your diet, exercising regularly (maybe every other day), taking cool showers, and limiting the time you spend on the web. It's up to you of course, but if you want to recover, then steps must be taken. (Plus I'm pretty sure that girls are attracted to guys who stay disciplined. )

You show resolve in your post, and I have the utmost confidence that you can break free of impurity.

Stay strong.

 

[TheNewDawn106]

Sup dude,

Good job on sharing your troubles with us. Also, congrats on 9 days of hard mode. Here are my thoughts:

So you're kind of desperate to clear yourself of these impulses. It's good that you know what needs to happen. However, sometimes we get panicked and think that we are trapped, and we tend to despair of ever breaking free. Don't let yourself panic. Stay calm. Take the proper steps, give it time, and your mind will heal.

You want self respect, confidence, cleanliness, et cetera, right? Messing around with this older guy will destroy those traits, and you have a weakness to being around him. The logical conclusion is that you should stay away from this guy. There's nothing wrong with intentionally avoiding a person when being around that person is a threat to your well being.

It's interesting that you mention looking at your family album in order to remind yourself of your goals and reasons. I too, have thought about those I care about in order to try to overcome my urges. Unfortunately, while that helps, sometimes it is so difficult to think straight during urges that we simply lose sight of the reasons why we need to stay strong and resist.

When that is the case, discipline is your best friend. The only way to resist those urges is through discipline and self-denial. It's kind of like being a fighter pilot. Fighter pilots have to be able to resist intense G-forces while flying at high speeds and making sharp turns. They are able to withstand those G-forces, which would K.O. most of us, because they train their bodies and minds through intense physical conditioning and mental preparation. In a way, recovering from addiction is the same. We need to train ourselves so that we can resist when the urges hit.

To do that, I recommend keeping a regular schedule (getting up and going to bed early), avoiding sugar in your diet, exercising regularly (maybe every other day), taking cool showers, and limiting the time you spend on the web. It's up to you of course, but if you want to recover, then steps must be taken. (Plus I'm pretty sure that girls are attracted to guys who stay disciplined. )

You show resolve in your post, and I have the utmost confidence that you can break free of impurity.

Stay strong.

Thanks so much brother! Today I'm battling these mixed feelings of victory and regret. Victory because I didn't give in to my weaknesses any further than chatting, and regret for even feeling the need to reach out like I did in the first place.

I headed right to the gym after work today and hit the TRX for 45 minutes...Such a core killer! Now I'm back at my place getting ready to clean it up and do some laundry.

Godspeed and thank you for the support.