Porn has ruined my life. My story. Please help.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by looking, Aug 9, 2014.

  1. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    I would just like some motivation, advice, whatever...Thanks for any input. Also, thanks for reading, this is very long, but this is my story in full and I do appreciate anyone willing to read the entire thing. Also, there may be some light triggers here, so be warned.

    I have screwed myself up.

    I had starting watching porn at 12, had no idea it could ever have a negative effect on a person.

    So, my use escalated over time and I probably minor porn addiction symptoms. I was somewhat depressed, objectified women and started watching MILF porn. Though, I did not stop watching the completely normal stuff.

    I really wanted to get myself together around my freshman year of high school. So, I started doing my best. My grades were the best they had ever been and I started exercising. I was also making attempts to be much more moral, even if I already was a decent person. I was happy and ready to see the consequences of my good decisions.

    Then, I had testicular torsion. I ended up losing my testicle and felt horrible. Depressed, helpless, and like half the man I used to be.

    After 9 days of healing, I was anxious to masturbate again. The urge was very strong and it was likely that I was already somewhat addicted here, at 14.

    I believe the next few weeks were crucial to my downfall. I was very depressed and felt that luck just went and threw away all my attempts at self-improvement...The only way I could feel happy was to watch porn. It was also an artificial way of me feeling that I hadn't lost any of masculinity.

    So, my use escalated. Two, three times a day once everything was completely healed. I soon noticed myself watching the normal stuff a lot more. I could only really get off to videos with a messed up and somewhat believable story. Husband and wife was a turn off. Bathrooms, sloppy oral, and friend's mothers went from being occasional background details to necessities.

    It wasn't long before, on the related videos of a MILF video, I saw incest.

    Suddenly, the "rush" from my first porn days had returned. Every video was a disgusting high. Except now I was disgusted after every viewing. I felt horrible.

    Soon, I needed the incest setting to get off. I also started experiencing physical symptoms. Fatigue, sluggishness, laziness, brain fog...I felt that porn was eating away at my soul. Not only that, I had developed other symptoms (that through 4-5 day abstinence streaks, I have discovered do correlate with my porn use) such as scalp dermatitis, (undiagnosed, that is what looks like, parts of my scalp have developed into what seems like pityriasis amiantacea), worsened acne, testicular/groin pain(which caused me excruciating distress due to having already having had the torsion down there, I would dwell on living without testosterone, I felt as if something was out to get me and it was only a matter of time before something went wrong with the other one), and visual snow. I have also developed undiagnosed anxiety, hypochondria, and OCD-like symptoms (thinking of myself failing and then not being able to stop thinking about such failure).

    I understand that many will say some of these problems are not connected to porn, however, they all decrease after just 5 days without porn and I never had any traces of any of them before my porn use escalated. I do believe I am an extreme case and that I am somehow more physically sensitive to excessive artificial orgasm use somehow...I am not imagining the clear scalp that starts to appear after a 5 days streak.

    It was my demon and it was killing me. It has changed the way I look at people and I am constantly at war with myself. For example, if I see an attractive receptionist at a restaurant, it doesn't stop there, at that mostly harmlesss thought. It escalates to imagining having sex with her instantly, and then I start thinking, "Why do I have be such a disgusting person? Why did I let porn to me into a monster who perverts everything?".

    So, I researched the effects of porn and masturbation and discovered yourbrainonporn.com and realized that it was true: I was an addict.

    Then, I joined this website...only problem is that I have miserably failed every time I try and quit. No matter how hard I try, the urge comes back to break me. I believe this is because I have to return to dealing with all of the above symptoms and the stress coming from having them, which then pushes me to "feel good" for a few moments by PMOing.

    I want to rise from this and be a good person. I truly believe I can be a normal kid again (I'm 15), as before I used porn I was normal and happy, trying to good with my time. I want to get back to that.


    So there it is. How porn caused my downfall as a person. I've pulled no punches, except for that I have begun to bore of the incest porn after a year and have attempted watching even more disgusting material. I will not get into the details, however, none of it is illegal to view. I will not let this go any further, I have promised myself that, at least.

    Thanks for reading, and once again, thanks for any input. Best of luck to anyone trying to quit.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2014
  2. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Naturally, I can empathise with your addiction, but I can also relate to many of the health-related outcomes of your addiction. It is incredibly brave for you to take such a frank look at yourself. You call yourself looking. I wonder if you called yourself that because pornography is a visual medium. But this post speaks to me of someone that is looking at themselves and you have the sort of self-awareness that will be key in your progress. I feel for you mate, I really do. Feel free to get in touch if you want to talk: IGY
     
  3. goodman37

    goodman37 Fapstronaut

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    Hi there kid. You are one of the bravest people I have heard of. And you are just a kid. This is really hard shit. Way too much for a 15 year kid to deal with. Yet here you are. You need to know that you are not alone. Your generation is dealing with this in secret. Your bravery to come here and bare your soul puts you light years ahead of most boys your age who don't know the dark path they are on. You are not wrecking relationships, you have no wife, no kids and you have your whole life ahead of you, which will be better because you know what you need to do. I can understand the guilt and shame you feel. It creates a cycle. I think everyone here does. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I have only been here for a week, but I have been doing pmo for 8 years. I see some people here who have been at it for 30 years.

    I think the hardest thing is feeling alone in all of this. I have felt alone for a long time in trying to deal with this. It send like must males have come to accept it as normal. I have tried to talk to my brothers and dad, and they marginalize what we are trekking hen by saying things like it's normal, out all guys do it.

    Have you considered therapy? Having someone to talk to face to face will be important. I know it is probably difficult at your age to think going to a therapist, but if you find a good one, they will listen and be non judgmental. You don't have to tell your parents why you want to go, but you might want to research some therapists around you and see if you can't start seeing someone.

    I am a teacher who teaches kids your age, and you need to know, once again, that you are not alone! You know you want to feel better and that is the most important thing.

    Write me if you need more support and I will do the same.
     
  4. msa2388

    msa2388 Fapstronaut

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    The more you keep trying, the easier it will be to go for periods of time without it. I went to dark corners of the internet as well to find a "shock" value; trust me you're not worthless for doing so and it sounds most definitely like you were caught up in things at a very vulnerable age...which is how most of us started. One thing that has helped me tremendously is posting here every day, and if I'm home alone (which I am a lot now that I'm single) this is the first site that I open when I come to the internet. Actually, it would be a great thing to set this as your home page! Also try setting a motivating background...maybe make a list of reasons why you want to quit and save it as an image to use for that.

    Just remember, even if you're not defeating every urge, defeating one of them is a victory. And the more often you do it the more often you'll start going for days beating them back. I had a bad habit with touching and not even realizing it when I was relaxing by myself...look for small signs like that and squash them. You'll get through it! Just don't fall back into the attitude of "its not a real problem", always keep in mind that your brain will try to play tricks on you...but you're smarter frontal lobe can defeat the more basic parts of your brain if you try hard enough.
     
  5. APCIA

    APCIA Fapstronaut

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    Keep trying man, you got your whole life ahead of you. It's really inspiring to hear someone so young already being so aware and taking responsibility for your life.

    I'm 31 and I'm struggling so don't worry, the younger you start taking care of yourself the better
     
  6. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the kind words. I too notice that I begin touching without even realizing it.

    Also, I always seem to have a strong urge in the morning. I'm going to put my phone somewhere else so I can't lie in bed and PMO. Hopefully after enough implementation of strategies such as these I can pull through.

    IGY, my name used to be lookingtheotherway. It was supposed to simply mean that I was looking for a new direction in life. However, if you go by the saying "look the other way", than it's the opposite of what I'm doing...I changed it to looking because I guess I'm really "looking" into myself, and it also retains the original meaning, haha.

    And, goodman37, thank you for saying that beginning part. I've always felt like I have a lot on my plate, much more than I asked for and also much more than my peers. But I've also been told that everyone feels like that...but does everyone really feel like me? I can't help but doubt it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2014
  7. zavenwycliffe

    zavenwycliffe Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to your story. I had testicular torsion when I was 14, although I didn't lose my testicle; but it still shrunk substantially. I really feel what you say about porn controlling you, turning you into some kind of monster you're not. It's like every innocent thought has to become perverted even though that's not what you were trying to think about.

    I would say that the most important thing you can do to rid yourself of this addiction is to look deep inside yourself and honestly ask yourself what your reasons are for quitting. Not just things you're running away from, but things you're running to. Who has your porn addiction affected? Do you want to have a wife who sincerely cares about you more than the fake imitation of love porn gives us? More than that fake love that lets us down every time, plunging us further into depression? Find out why you're quitting; then come back and tell us, because we want to know. You've got my support.
     
  8. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    Not what I'm running from...but where I'm going. Hmmm, I'll give that a try tomorrow. Thanks zavenwycliffe.
     
  9. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

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    Someone just suggested this link-you should really read this, sounds like what's happening to you...you're still young I really hope you get help. Your life is just starting, so it's not ruined-so trust your instincts and kick this habit, get rid of your phone, shocking I know but is it worth your life? No...it's hard to comprehend but get off the Internet and go live and love in the real world. I'm a mom of a 5 year old boy and just hope I can keep him from it-my kids sure as hell won't have Internet access unless they're sitting in a room with me. Until they move out! Good luck, please stop.
    http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts#porn-addiction-escalates
     
  10. looking

    looking Fapstronaut

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    Thanks jbird, I am trying my best to change myself before it's too late. I wish someone had warned about what this could do to me. But hey, what can you do. Thanks for reading.

    And that website is good, it's good that this is getting more exposure. However, I've read tons of information over on yourbrainonporn.com and am well aware of what this is doing to me. I know what to do, it's just a matter of doing it.
     

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