Porn has ruined my life

I write this essay, as I go through great amount of depression. I am really unsatisfied with my relationship. But it’s not because of her, my fiancée. It’s because of how I make her feel. It’s because of how my family controls everything about my own marriage. It’s about how my mother wants to determine my future.

And all of this has been allowed to happen because of pornography. You may ask: How so? Its because I never was able to stand up for myself. Whenever I felt like shit, I went to porn to feel better. And instead of confronting reality, I ran away towards lust. And stayed there for a very long time…..relapse followed by 3 days off…. Followed by a relapse… followed by a complete burn out and collapse. After 15 days or so, I get sick of my situation. So, what do I do? Go back to the challenge and resetting my clocks. I’ve tried everything in life… Initially religion, and then science… I’ve read books… I’ve read so many blogs on this website…. So many stories….. I’ve went to a psychologist… I’ve fallen in love, and gotten engaged…..

One thing remained constant throughout my life

I cannot take the decision to say No to being sexual, watching pornography and channeling my sexual energy through other means. I’ve tried Nofap before…. It didn’t work…. I tried just not watching porn….. it never worked….

I just can’t say no to my dick

I can’t seem to control my sexual self

I’ve tried doing it before anything happens… I have failed on day 7, day 12, day 22, day 29, day 40, day 48… I have edged and fallen apart sooooooo many times over the past 8 years…..

I’ve tried doing it while watching porn recently…. I would have two windows open

(1) One that contains 10s of tabs of pornorgraphy and going for more

(2) Second that contains pictures of the love of my life

I would purposely open the second tab while holding my penis as all of this is going,…. And then continue fapping. Feel terrible, and then keep going…. I’ve already gotten here so might as well just cum to porn

I wasn’t able to take a decision in so many instances….. Or was I not? I was convincing myself that I can’t do anything about it. That its not me. That it was my lust. As if it was someone else…. And instead of making a decision of not watching porn and stopping it NOW… I would just keep it going and continue to feel good. In other words, I was deciding to leave my wife for porn. I told her about this second week I gotten to know her. I told her I have a problem. I watch porn. I had been addicted to porn…. But wait don’t leave me….. I promise I haven’t watched it for two weeks…. That’s it you came into my life, and out goes porn…. 40 days pass…. And I find myself back to porn after engaging in sexting with her online. I am not going to lie. This past year is soooooo much better than all my previous years…. And its because of her. Because I love her. But wait…. Don’t let that fool you. I still suck. I just ended a porn streak that went for at least 20 days. And she didn’t know about it….. I convinced myself that I can get back in track on my own…. What an idiot. That never worked for 13 years before meeting her. You think its going to work now. But if I tell her, she wouldn’t come to see me in two days. She wouldn’t leave the US to see me again. Its been a while. I miss her. She would end the relationship! I don’t want that. I love her. Even though I chose to masturbate to porn over masturbating over the pictures and videos she sends me. I love her. Porn has ruined our relationship. We’re having so many fights nowadays. I confessed to her 4 times about watching porn this year. After weeks of “really watching it” (not days). And she went suicidal. She already has depression and has always had problems with self-image. To top that all, as I was watching porn in the past couple of weeks, I was struck with another problem. I left her pictures for pictures of other women. And somewhere inside me, for the first time ever, since meeting my fiancée… the voice said she’s fat and doesn’t have as nice of a body of as these women. That voice shattered me. I hated myself so bad to even have heard that voice in my head. Porn… this evil… and these women have gotten in my head. And are on the verge to destroy my relationship. To destroy the only thing that I feel proud of accomplishing.


Yesterday, as I sit down facing my mother on the dinner table. She tops all of this anxiety by asking about my studying for the MCAT, my application for a phd program, and she keeps annoying me

“Why did you go home?

Why did you not stay in the US?

You’re an idiot for not doing a PHD after your M.S. degree.

You’ve wasted two years of your life

Why did you leave your job?

How are you going to look at you brother in law and your father in law after the wedding? What are you going to tell them? I don’t have a job! You can keep your daughter for one more year until I can get back into the US…. And maybe then I will be able to find a job

You’re a failure….

Instead of focusing on the MCAT, and continuing to delay it…

Maybe you should give up

You can’t even take the test that gets you to medical school

You think you can make it!

You can’t

So go and apply for PHD….


I kept on listing my reasons

She didn’t listen

So I flared up, I started hitting my head, and I through the dish on the table

I shouted at her

I am trying

I’ve been studying hard

You know that

Except for the past three weeks

I didn’t because I was cut off by porn

Since my childhood I always had this problem

She told me its because of you

Nobody takes the blame other than you

…

..

."


And here I am left alone to think about all of these things

All I can say is I really hate god, and I really hate perfect people. YES they do exist, I’ve seen a lot of them, and NO they don't go through a fracture of the pain we go through

 

Do you think I should just focus on porn or do Nofap all togother. Keep in mind that I am in a long distance relationship. So the only way out is to Cam with my fiancee (which is sort of like porn really). But at the same time masturbating without binging on masturbation and going back to porn eventually is really hard. So I don't know how to address that question for next year. But I am thinking just go Nofap all the way.

I am sorry for the negativity. I just needed to vent out and sort of reiterate the evil of this action to myself.