Porn is ripping us apart -- I need help

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by N-Gage, Jul 25, 2016.

  1. N-Gage

    N-Gage Fapstronaut

    9
    10
    3
    Hey everyone,

    I'm new here to noFap, but am soo grateful for all the opportunities and information that exists on the website and sub-reddit. My story, similar to many others, is something I haven't shared with anyone due to fear of being judged and humiliated, but I'm sure it is time to get it off my chest. I am a 24 year-old male, living a fruitful life as a web-developer, with a beautiful woman as my girlfriend (2.5 year relationship) that has always kept porn in our relationship. When starting out in our relationship, she had a boyfriend whom was abusive towards her, and I decided to sweep in and show her how a real man should treat a woman. When we started having sex, I was really turned on by the fact that she was cheating on her BF with me (whom was in jail for stealing), and it made the sex even steamier. We would be sneaking around to not get caught by his friends, and just have sex almost every day. One weekend, she had to go home to her family (we were in college then), and I was horny (per usual) and decided to watch porn. When she came back, we attempted to have sex, and I couldn't get it up. Instinctively, I began to freak-out and panicked all night long. The following morning, we had sex no issue, but it wasn't enough and I binged on porn (I didn't know what I was doing at the time). After my high off porn, I ended up not being able to get an erection for the next 2-3 weeks, and my girlfriend being very supportive calmed me through the storm and I eventually started having sex again, no issues. This vicious cycle would repeat about every 3-4 months, where we would go through periods of great sex, to none at all. As you can imagine, this was very frustrating for her, as having to always "doctor" me through sex. In addition, she's more experienced at sex than me, whereas I only have had 3 sex partners prior to her. Fast-Forwarding, this past October (October 3rd to be exact), it gotten really bad and when we had sex, I wasn't even really there. I ended up having sex with her being dry, and it hurt her. Feeling bad about this, I ended up watching porn again and masturbating my life away. In addition, I just found it easier to just watch porn, and not have to go through all the steps and check-lists of foreplay with an actual person (crazy, I know). So for the next few weeks, it got worse and worse, and my anxiety from the whole situation began to flare out of control. I mean, I was literally shaking like a leaf whenever I thought of having sex with her, or was about to have sex....I was PIED, but didn't know at the time about the disorder. Eventually, filled with frustration, my girlfriend cheats on me for a few weeks, and that's when I hit an all-time low. I felt numb to the world and everything in it by that point. During my low, my porn habits increase, and I'm moving frantically from video to video, just trying to find the comfort I lost in her. Eventually, we reconcile, and get back together. Fast-Forward once again to this spring, our sex since becoming a couple again has been non-existent, but the porn still remained. We would try from time-to-time, but my inability to get a hard AT ALL just turned her off from the thought of even trying with me. We would be constantly fighting, constantly not wanting to be around each other, etc. We then broke-up, and she found another lover quickly to satisfy her needs, and I once again returned to porn for comfort. But then I thought (maybe this is what's hurting me all along), and I discovered yourbrainonporn. Amazed by this new found knowledge, I decided to quit porn, but as with most trying for the first time, I failed -- HARD. My girlfriend and I reconcile once again, but this time I explain to her why I think it's happening. Reluctant to move as fast as last time, we just decide to take things slow before becoming official again. While, we both knew now its the porn causing my ED, I STILL CONTINUED to watch it. So, in late May we attempted to have sex for the first time in ages it felt like, and I couldn't get hard. Confused, frustrated, and saddened by the experience which she got her hopes up for, she cries and vents her frustration to me, before rolling over in the bed to go to sleep. Feeling like such a little man inside, I masturbate to some fantasy in my head, and fall asleep. But, I have insomnia the whole night, because I just felt soo little and insecure inside. During this whole downfall this year, she kept saying my confidence, and "manliness" has been going down, which now I know comes from watching soo much porn from over the years. So June comes around, and we actually managed to have sex ! The first time was super short, like 5-10 minutes, and I felt great about it, but she said she wasn't satisfied at all from how short it was. Thus, looking for comfort, I relapsed once again (see the vicious cycle now on repeat). But the following weekend, we have sex both days, back to back, and it was GOOD. She was treating me different now, all-over me again, it was like when we first got together. The crazy thing was, I had just MO'd before our sex, so I didn't think I would be able to get it up. But I think the reason why was because she over-stimulated me that night by giving me head, and making me play with her ass, and some more stuff, so it felt like porn to me. Sadly, I didn't feel the same lovey-dovey as she did, I didn't feel satisfied. I felt relieved that my penis finally worked, but I didn't feel "pleased". So she left for the following weekend, and I relapsed HARD once again. I remember being in the bed one night, just feeling sooo anxious, sooo vulnerable, but just couldn't tell why. Then, we attempted to have sex over the last 5 weeks...nothing. The first try, I got hard, but lost my erection after a few pumps. The 2nd time, I got and remained hard, only from me fantasizing that she was cheating on her ex with me again. After that, I just couldn't get it back up without watching porn. So came July 7th, I had enough, and went hard mode and been Porn free ever since. I have ZERO desire or interest to even watch porn now. It's not even a lure to me, and as a result I feel more in love with her. Last week though, things got bad and when we attempted to have sex, it failed and we argued really bad. Rather than watch porn, I masturbated a few times for comfort that night, but felt soo crummy after, that I will never do that again. So I've been MO free since July 19th, and my balls feel like they're being kicked every 5 seconds from no release. This morning, she attempted to give me a release by wanting to have sex with me, and it failed (once again), but now I'm confused because I thought once I stopped the porn use, my ED would go away. I talked to her about it this morning, and she seems more understanding, and just happy that I'm finally on the right road to recovery. I've even gotten soo desperate for it to go away that I've had my doctor prescribe ED-Meds to me. So noFap'ers, thats my painful, but true story of how I'm single handed am ruining my own relationship. Sorry for making it such a long read, but I really had to get all of this off my chest, and I know my story is similar to someone else's out there (so I hope this helps that person). I just want our old sex-filled relationship back, along with all the love. My questions though are:

    - Will my ED ever go away ?
    - I think I have performance anxiety now, or is this just a byproduct of my ED, and will go away along with my ED ?
    - Why haven't I seen any sexual benefits from quitting as of yet ? I feel more confident and less social anxiety, but why not sexual ?
    - Am what I'm experiencing normal for someone whom started watching porn from an early age (middle school - 6th grade).
    - How do I explain better to my girlfriend what is happening, without frustrating her even more through this painful situation ?
    - What else can I do ?
     
  2. TrueHuman

    TrueHuman Fapstronaut

    207
    163
    43
    You have Porn-Induced-Erectile-Disfunction (PIED).
    YES, it will go away. But you have to quit porn FOREVER!
    You don't have performance anxiety you have PIED.
    It can take some 90+ days to notice sexual benefits. Idk how long you've been rent, but when I as at day 80 I have to most intense erection in my life.
    Yes. If you started watching porn before having sex then you will likely need a long time to get back to a normal sex drive where erections are easily attainable.
    Tell her about your porn addiction dude. I know it's embarrassing but you've been together for 2.5 yrs then she'll understand. Right now she thinks it's her. If you tell her then she'll know that it's not her fault.
    Nothing. You have to quit porn for some 3 months, maybe a little longer. Not masturbating would help to but it's not required. What is required is that you never watch porn again.


    It's the porn dude. Quit it and you'll be fucking her silly again. And sex will feel way better too.
     
  3. N-Gage

    N-Gage Fapstronaut

    9
    10
    3
    Thanks a lot @TrueHuman , that really helped me. I told her before, but she just don't understand how porn could do that to a person, because she watches porn from time to time as well, and as a child. But, I told her that it's because she does it every so often, while I was like 3-4 times per day. Did i technically relapse last week when I masturbated to fantasy ?
     
  4. TrueHuman

    TrueHuman Fapstronaut

    207
    163
    43
    Well technically masturbation is not considered a relapse. Only intentionally watching pornography or p-subs is considered a relapse.

    I recommend you go on yourbrainonporn.com and read up on a few things.


    But yea. It's worth it dude. When I was at like 80+ days holy fuck my girl came over and I had the hardest wood in the world and the sex was fuckin overwhelmingly intensely pleasurable lol. I literally passed out when I came.
     
  5. MsPants

    MsPants Guest

    Masterbating can be a problem for many with a porn addiction. When you masterbate, you usually are either using porn, p-subs or fantasizing which are all fake stimuli and contribute to your PIED. Anything that is not real sex is keeping you from recovering from your ED. Don't masterbate. Save it for you and and your girlfriend. Wouldn't you rather have sex with her than by yourself? Sex with her will be the best sex you've ever had once you get this addiction under control and reboot your brain and body
     
  6. N-Gage

    N-Gage Fapstronaut

    9
    10
    3
    So my question for you both (@MsPants & @TrueHuman ): Did you ever feel a point in time where you felt like the sex or anything wasn't going to get better ? That you felt like you would remain this way forever ? At what point were you like "oh wow, I think I can have sex again" ? I just get fearful sometimes that it's performance anxiety, even though most people say its really just porn.
     
  7. TrueHuman

    TrueHuman Fapstronaut

    207
    163
    43
    Yes, I was depressed and didnt know why a 16 yr old would not be able to get it up.
    It's not performance anxiety. Go on yourbrainonporn.com and look at PIED. I promise you it's not performance anxiety.
    High speed internet porn is not natural. Even 20-30 yrs ago people didn't have access to modern internet porn that you have access to 24/7. This is a very recent modern problem and I can understand why you may be apprehensive about accepting it.

    I can give u the link if u want
     
  8. TrueHuman

    TrueHuman Fapstronaut

    207
    163
    43
  9. N-Gage

    N-Gage Fapstronaut

    9
    10
    3
    Thanks a lot @TrueHuman for being soo supportive and helpful. Means a lot.
     
    TrueHuman and MsPants like this.
  10. MsPants

    MsPants Guest

    I am not an addict, my SO is and experienced consistent delayed ejaculation and sometime ED, periods of no sex drive etc. I didn't know about his addiction and because it started before we got together, I assumed that was what I had to deal with and often felt very down about us. But as soon as he started his reboot, things started to improve over a few weeks. We now have the best sex we've ever had. He still needs a bit of time, a day or two in between so hes not completely healed but his DE and ED are dramatically changed, and so is his sex drive.

    Just realize your body needs rest from the trauma of PMO before you will notice some major changes. I think the PIED has caused you to become anxious about whether or not you can perform, and you may still worry about that even after you start to notice you are healing. But don't let yourself worry about that. Pay attention to your body, and focus on you and your partner when getting intimate and maybe slowly work up to things. Porn has caused PIED and breaking this addiction will heal that. It's not forever, but will continue if you keep indulging in anything fake rather than a real experience with yiur girlfriend
     
    Hotshot, Beth and TrueHuman like this.
  11. larrylarrylarry

    larrylarrylarry Fapstronaut

    656
    291
    63
    Dude, thank you for sharing your story, I am sure that a lot of people in here can see themselves in part of it.

    As far as your question, this is what I know: if you're older it takes about 2 months of no Porn, and if you're young 4-5 months (Source)
     
    Hotshot, TrueHuman and MsPants like this.
  12. N-Gage

    N-Gage Fapstronaut

    9
    10
    3
    So status update, last night we had sex ! Was instantly turned on just from kissing and looking at her, and was able to maintain an erection (while at times my penis did soften, I would just re-focus in on the sensations I was experiencing -- I never felt them before). Only thing is, due to some physical complications, I did not ejaculate, so I edged pretty hard (almost did), but it was with a real woman w/ a real vagina, so I don't see no hard done. In the past, I would have sex, and then dip right back into porn, thus repeating the vicious cycle. But I have NO DESIRE to go back into it again, so I feel sooo much better, and the positive vibes I'm getting since the start of the day have just been AMAZING. I really do feel like a whole different person, and having everyone to talk to on here since yesterday, REALLY DID HELP. I really did think I had performance anxiety all these months, but after being told I'm just PIED, I had let that fear go, and honestly I'm looking forward to our next sexual encounter now -- no more fear. Also, an app called "brain buddy" on iOS helped me yesterday too. It shows you how much you're addicted and begins to give you advice, games, and tips to get your brain off porn and tells you how much has your brain re-wired since quitting. While not completely healed, I feel like I took a BIG STEP in the right direction last night, and am happy I have everyone here to support me on my journey. Thank You all SO MUCH
     
  13. Hotshot

    Hotshot Fapstronaut

    371
    69
    28
    My gf could never get me off without sex. BJ's and HJ's in my mind felt different because of what porn created for expectations. You see I had seen BJ's and other sex acts for YEARS before I ever experienced it. When I fibally did it has never lived up to my expectations yet with pmo it was among my favorite thing to watch.

    To this day, I have still NEVER gotten off to those sex acts that I cherished so much. I started watching porn at 6 years old with magazines then vhs tapes at 9/10 for pmo. It had been a long time exposed before I had any interaction of that nature.

    I'm telling you this because sex itself became amazing. I'm talking to the millionth degree better. After 2 weeks in I could feel a difference. After a month in my mind actually considered it to be the same relief I got from porn. After 90 days I couldnt contain myself for longer than a few minutes with sex which was crazy.

    This helped my then gf, now wife, self esteem significantly. She LOVED that SHE could do that to me. It use to take me a long time. That hurt her feelings. She asked me why and I told her that I loved her more as time went on. Mind you we had been together for about 3 years already. That wasn't a lie, it also wasn't the whole truth.

    I hope some of this helped you. I have never personally experienced PIED, just my mind not being able to enjoy things within porn that fascinated me in the fantasy that is porn.
     
    MsPants likes this.
  14. larrylarrylarry

    larrylarrylarry Fapstronaut

    656
    291
    63
    Good testimonial, looking forward to be at this level.

    Thank you for sharing your story and experience, it helps.
     
    MsPants and Hotshot like this.

Share This Page