I’ve been strong and focused but when I feel undesired, (which is most of the time), I turn to porn. She’s the reason I turned off porn to make her happy but ironically, she’s the reason I stay addicted. She rarely initiates sex or makes it seem like she desires me which leaves me feeling self conscious.
Everything
@hope4healing said is true.
You are currently In Your Addiction, which simply means you are not seeing clearly. Your Addict Brain wants to blame anyone and everything so you avoid responsibility, but truth is You Are Choosing To PMO. Yes, outside factors can affect you, but You Choose How You React.
PMO, like all addictions, are crutches. They are ways to cope when you never learned proper coping skills as a child. Whenever an addict feels negative emotions, or feels uncomfortable the urge comes to use and so they do because they never learned different. You can overcome this, but you need to...
1. Admit You Are An Addict
2. Own Your Choices
3. Learn About Addiction and Recovery
4. Be 100% Honest With Your Partner
She may not want sex because she may know you use adn is too scared to ask you to stop.... I know I think it was
@kropo82 your wife was scared that you would choose porn over her, right?
Your GF might be terrified that if she says it's her or porn that you would choose porn.... I think a lot of us SO's feel that at some point to different degrees. And if she does know to some extent that something is off or has seen bits of your history and is aware that you "somtimes" use that could completely shut her down and turn her off from you because she already feels disresepected.
Please read about addiction, learn about recovery, Get Outside Help, Be Honest, Get Support, and keep coming back to learn and be open to the process.
There will be highs and there will be lows. That's part of the journey...You are going to need to learn what works for you. For me and my husband (almost 3 years clean) we went super strict with tech in the beginning and I think that is one of the reasons he is so successful compared to other addicts on here who bargain with what they can keep.
Most addicts get offended and scoff when the SO and other experienced addicts say to get off all social media, but out nudity from tv shows, vet your shows, cut back on gaming, cut back on being on tech unless it has a purpose, and there may be some people who think my husband and I are crazy for our strong approach.... but my husband doesn't struggle with ogling, my husband doesn't get super triggered if he were to see something on TV.... the thing is, when we cut the addiction off, we made sure the addiction was 100% cut off with no p-subs and back ups to wiggle into.
Be honest, tell your girl, she hopefully will be supportive. If she realizes it's an addiction, nad not that you are just some asshole guy who doesn't care about her feelings, it is easier to understand. I chose to stay with my husband because it was an addiction. Had it not been an addiction and it was him choosing to do this (with a clear head, not an addict brain) I would have left. But because he has a brain disease and I know about addiction, I stayed because Recovery and Sobriety Are Possible.
You can do this. I know you can. All the addicts on here have the potential to overcome this if they take the time to learn, sit back, realize they don't know everything in their addicted state, and are open to the recovery process even if it doesn't make sense or is uncomfortable. If you are uncomfortable in recovery, you're doing it right. If you're comfortable, something is wrong.
Good luck!
