Porn or am I truly trans

Do you feel the need to be protected or do you feel that you want to protect girls?

 

@Rgj23

Hello Mate,

I think that you are experiencing the Coolidge Effect
(you need constant novelty to get excited).

Plenty of people are watching Sissy Transformations who are straight... I used to come across them often.

Some two months ago, I have managed some 50 days without PMO. The curiosity to watch the Sissy or transwoman was gone.

Did not even crossed my mind...

Do yourself a favor. Stop watching porn for 2 months and then you can come back and see what are you into...

Good Luck!

 

You are obsessed by it for sure.

Most, if not all, transgenders knew it from a very early age (kindergarten) they knew they were different from the people of the same gender.
So no worries, you just like that shit because it's more extreme/taboo. I can tell you, everyone got idiotic thoughts. And transwoman porn is one of the most fastest growing porn on the web among straight men.
I can recommend: ''A billion wicked thoughts''. I did not read by myself but i read lots of quotes from that book on nofap- forums.

And everyone knows that ''transwomen'' dont excist in real life. Nobody thought about having sex or being a transwoman before they knew what a transwoman was. It's fantasy world dude. I can tell you, dont try to act out, otherwise you feel really traumatized about it, (like me...) and you ocd will haunting you.

Because you were afraid to be a gay when you were young, it could be a explanation for your fantasies...

Try to abstain from porn and masturbation, quit your pc and phone after 9pm and get a book or go for a walk.

 

How do you know this? I am in the same shoes... I was always afraid of being gay, but how can it make such fantasies?

 

Not that there is anything wrong with being transgender, but I think in your case you should try to abstain from porn for a while to make sure it is not all those sites that are messing with your mind.

Once you reset (easier said than done!) you can probably make a better assessment.

Good luck friend.

 

Look, i'm not a therapist by myself and i also deal with a heavy form of (h)ocd. This all started after a drunk transwoman encounter.

I can remember as the day of yesterday, even before hocd i never tought about it and never related it to this issue; When i was 7 years old i was on holiday with my family. On a day of walking my mother made a comment that i should put my arms next to my body while walking instead to walking with arms up.(like the most stereotype gay-guys).. Because she told me it looks gay.. So i was afraid, because it was a comment in a negativ way, without any knowing what ''gay'' means. And since then the word ''gay'' had always something negativ in it when i hear it. If someone called me gay as a joke, i always felt that i should defend myself, even i never doubted my orientation.

It's sounds a bit homophobic of my mother , but she told me a few years ago, when she was 18, she was dumped by her BF back then because he was gay/bi. So it could be her explenation about her ''homophobic'' comment. Even, i'am sure, she would be totally fine if someone of my brothers or sisters would be gay. My younger sisters best friend is a lesbian and comes often to visit our home.

So it could be the reason of my faceless(!) submissive gay fantasies, because it's the ultimate taboo. In real life i never felt any attraction to men, not in a romantic and not in a sexual way.

And something else, did me really make to think about all of this:

This topic on YBR:
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=20746.msg353196#msg353196

(you should read the whole conversation) And especially the comment of ''Panonymos'':

And then read the journey of Panonymos with all of his experiences.

 

Thanks for the answer. In my case, my own gender identity is the biggest problem. I cannot identify with other men...I sometimes feel/think like a female, but I don't want that. I want to think like and feel like a real man, but don't know how to earn it. I cannot fully identify with women too, because deep down I am know that I just "don't fit" among women, so being a trans would be a very bad decision to me because deep down I know I won't be happy that way.

 

When did it start, on what age?

The starter of that tread ''Zamyou'' is also member of this forum. Maybe you should contact him?

 

I have never ventured this far down the rabbit hole but I can say that if porn is the cause of questioning your own identity in anyway you have really gotten yourself into some really deep manure. You are not born with the identity but you were manipulated into it.

 

It sounds like you have some questions about your sexuality that are being clouded by porn. I'm gay and knew this from about age 5 (didn't know what it was called but knew it). If your sexuality is outside the "norm" of straight then at some point you will have to come to terms with it to be happy BUT it sounds to me like porn is leading you to a place you don't belong out of a desire for novelty and excitement vs reinforcing your actual sexuality.

Give up porn for three months and see how you feel. Also, consider that not all straight guys are alpha male leaders. Many are perfectly happy to be betas which means you're not a tough leader but you still have integrity. You can be part of a team and contribute a lot and many women like beta guys because they can be good providers and still protec their families without some of the negative traits of alphas, such as aggression

In short, give up the porn a few months to get your head together and THEN start to figure out who you are without all that extraneous noise messing you up.

 

To add to that, just because you are not "alpha" does not mean you have to be a follower. Your strength is in being a thinker. Some of the greatest leaders have been thinkers, valued for their wisdom and calm rationality rather than social dominance and knee jerk responses. There is great power in this. You just have to develop the confidence.

 

Well said SF_guy!

to the op:

If you were transgender, gay, bi or whatever, you would know it. You would love these thoughts, now they bother you. And after lots of porn, this can happen, due some new pathways that your brain have made.

Lots of boys and girls who were sexual abused in their youth, got arousal rape fantasies.

A thought is just a thought. As i told u before, everyone got wicked thoughts.

 

I don't know what is going on in my head, but these days are terrible. I am fighting for my male identity, and have some "moments" when I am feel that "one of the guys" feeling and can touch my very deepest masculine, but the problem is that if I don't fight hard for these moments, they would not come automatically. But when I got that "moments" I can feel the wholeness and I feel really-really happy. But those moments are fleeting.

So I am feel like I am "stucked" in a life situation, which means I KNOW that being a trans and being with a man IS NOT for me, I know I can't be REALLY happy that way, but also I cannot feel like a MAN enough to be with a WOMAN, and function as a male.

Any ideas what to do? (I am started to go to a therapist today, but we will met only in 2-3 weeks, so I would like to work on it on my own)

 

I started to read the book: ''You are not your Brain'' from Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz. I'm half way. And it makes a lots of sens how thoughts work.

Fighting thoughts will make it just worse worse, because you can't control your thoughts. If you fight it, you focus on that thought, but cant win, and then u try again and again till u become obsessed (like now) and depressed.
By accepting and not obsessing the unwanted thought will slowly fade. And avoid compulsions, like this forum, porn, mastubating. Avoid MO for 2 months. Because it's a checking behavior and thats the bigges problem of OCD.


Note: I also visited a therapist 4 months ago. The first two months were useless because i did not tell (b/c shame) the whole story. And i did not listen.

Be sure the therapist is a OCD- specialist and can do CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

 

My therapist is experienced in CBT. I think within a few times we will start CBT.

 

You should try to stop watching porn for a few months. Definitely stop watching the sissy/transwoman porn stuff, it's pure fantasy. The sissy stuff clearly states that it is hypnotization - it is made to manipulate your brain. You have to stop watching it for awhile and see how your gender identity changes. Maybe you are straight, maybe you are gay, maybe you are supposed to be a woman, but you won't know for sure as long as you are manipulating your own thoughts.

 

I don't know but I just want to feel that "one of the guys" feeling which I used to felt earlier...Somehow I should build up the connection with other men.

 

Man don't do it. There is a bunch of people, we, your brothers, who wants you to live and fight with us! Instead of considering suicide, you should tell us what particular things you going through right now which causes you the suicidal thoughts?