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Pornography Addiction - Depression and hopelessness

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by RestartGame_, Jun 8, 2017.

  1. RestartGame_

    RestartGame_ Fapstronaut

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    I created this account to share some of my ideas and story with you guys.

    Well, my name is Can, I'm 21 years old and I'm currently employed.
    So, I have a bad Pornography Addiction and also masturbation for many years. It started at my younger ages. A curiosity that got triggered by something I don't remember. My behavioural pattern of watching porn and masturbate, would become a escape for me and a coping tool for stress and sadness and things like that.
    I didn't know that it would be hurting me in any way back then. It seemed like normal to me. It was secret, nobody would know. My mother found out once, but she could never help me... As could nobody.
    When I noticed the severe consequences it caused in all areas of my life, I started getting serious and tried facing my issues.
    I feel the pain more than ever, like a depression, lack of love, a void that needs to be filled.
    I just didn't have the ability to care for someone or love. People sometimes seemed like objects that just hear, reply, give and take. Like, without anything else. My way of conversation would be like that too.

    I noticed that I had to stop doing it. I just knew it had to do with my addiction.

    My body changed, like, my knees hurt and I can't walk normally. I have a bad hair loss. Sometimes my head skin hurts really bad, mostly after indulging in Porn.
    People notice a really strange look in my eyes. I always worry that people see me through.
    My genitals suffer a lot too and thank god, I don't have any erectal dysfunction or something, or at least it seems I don't.
    Also I am very fadigued sometimes and also after masturbation, I oversleep a lot.
    I used to go to the gym lately, but recently I started going less. I even would go there completely jacked off and meet people and everything and train, like with 0% energy. I would use like half of the weight of which I usually do. yea...it was just a complete mess. Even the trainers there started to annoy me with their jokes... but anyways...

    That would be not only in the gym, but everywhere, like, work, school, outside somewhere I don't know. I messed up mostly all my relationships, people try to keep their distance. Mostly I have issues talking with girls. Well, I don't know.
    Almost no contact with my family and friends.

    I tried some online programs for porn addiction and tried some tools to change my habits and stuff, but it's extremely hard....as life drags me like a rock and I feel unmotivated, alone and forgotten by now. Without many people to talk to, it's seems just too hard sometimes.

    I think I try to overcome this for like 4 or 5 years. or maybe 3 years.

    I don't know...I just try to give my best in everything, but....
    I start to loose hope and start thinking about suicide and ways to do so.
    I cry alot lately...(I try not to participate in my own pitiparty, but sometimes it seems that I pity myself and seek attention from people in my life)

    I changed my workplace too, because people were very negative. Now I found something better, (My 4th week working there), I still feel alone, not that much anymore, but still. Also still some negative people around.
    I will try my best and do everything it takes to get better.

    Please excuse my long text. I appreciate the opportunity to share this in this community so much! (I don't know how this works yet but) Send me a message or something, let me know your stories guys and how you are doing. I hope every thing is well or better :) Much love from Portugal!
     
    D . J . likes this.
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

    The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
  3. RestartGame_

    RestartGame_ Fapstronaut

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    Hello there D.J. Thank you for the reply. I am happy to know I am :)

    Right now,
    Changes in lifestyle and conscious choices when the cravings come up. Choices towards a healthy and abundant lifestyle.
    Being thoughtful of the way we speak to myself and the people.
    Forgiveness for myself and others. Most importantly understanding.
    The use of other tools than PMO to cope with stress like meditation, exercise and stuff. Aiming to something else than Porn and Masturbation.
    That's in my point of view :)
    Let me know what you think and what you would do.
     
  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

  5. YouShallNotFap!14

    YouShallNotFap!14 Fapstronaut

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    Wow reading that I can tell you there is a lot to relate too! I've been dealing with this problem for 10 years and the last 4 I've been fighting it and have been beaten down so many times! I never gave up though! It's good that you have changed everything in your life for positivity. Don't beat yourself down when you're feeling negative. Trying to quit this is one of the hardest addictions to overcome. It's so sad to think we chose an addiction that is almost as hard if not a lot harder than trying to quit cocaine. First thing is I'm proud of you for noticing you have problem on your own, it took my girlfriend 4 years to make me think I had a problem. I always thought it was me and my personality but I realized that porn objectified her to me, I was rude angry with her all the time. I lied to her constantly.

    Always think how much better your life is going to be without porn, if you haven't gone that far yet let me tell you what I have overcome from over 78 days of absolutely nothing ( no social media ) and over 143 days of no ACTUAL P! your mind will fight you in so many ways especially at the beginning but I no longer have a stutter, I used to stutter randomly even in small words, I have better memory, no more brain fog, more productive way more! Smile constantly though there are days I feel sad but more happy than sad. I no longer feel angry towards myself or my girlfriend. I communicate better with people. The list goes on! For a while I did have erectile dysfunction but that's because my brain was so used to seeing p and didn't know how to adapt to real life and now it's just easy to get it up lmao!

    I used to be alone all the time at home and that's when I did all the time, when my parents were home I chose to be alone in my room or when they went to family gatherings I stayed home and lied said I wasn't feeling well or any excuse you can come up with. I did horrible in school, I lied all the time to everyone for the smallest things it was second nature to me.

    All of that will dissipate in time. You have to have patience with yourself, that is the main key to overcome this. You can't wake up one day and feel healed. There will be days when you wanna relapse harder than others. Other days you will hate porn and think oh man I'll never go back, there will be days where your brain will tell you you're better and you should see if Porn phases you! DONT GIVE INTO THAT! it's a trap! My advice to that is " when in doubt run and shout" when you feel tempted for anything do something positive for yourself, clean up the house your room go for a walk, music anything that will make you feel better. And make you forget the reasoning of your temptation. It won't be an easy task but in the end it will all be worth it. You will have so much more confidence in yourself, better eye contact and for the part where you said people could see a strange look in your eyes I had that everyday it's scary you can see it in photos... like I sold my soul to P I looked like I was trapped I was never smiling in photos. Now I don't have that anymore.

    And trust me man, if you want to cry ... cry it will help to get rid of the negativity in your soul ,

    Stay strong man you can do this I believe in you! The path is straight and you will succeed. You came into P as a weak person now you will come out stronger than ever!

    Make the climb without the rope, then fear will find you again . Believe!
     

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