Possible cheating fantasy threatening my relationship *trigger warning*

I’m kind of a in a critical stage in my relationship right now and I’m hoping to get some helpful perspectives here. Recently my boyfriend expressed (after having had a big fight) that he at some point in our relationship would like to have a threesome, me with another man and him, and him with another woman and me. I’m not going to lie, my heart broke into a million pieces when he said that and I felt a big lump in my throat for the next couple of days. The thing is, this was not the first time I’ve heard him express the idea. About 3,5 years ago when we were about one year into our relationship and he was still watching a lot of porn, he kept wanting to fantasize with me (we were in a long distance relationship then and used to have “sexy” Skype calls) about using “certain” sex toys to simulate me having sex with other men. Or he liked me to roleplay and describe scenarios where I would pleasure multiple men. Already then I told him I felt sick of this fantasy and we ended up having many fights because of it. Once he even seemed to consider it as an idea to try in real life and when I told him really emotionally that it is like cheating and how could he want me to cheat and even be aroused by that, he suddenly broke down and said he felt ashamed and didn’t know what to think or feel anymore. A couple of months later we finally moved in together so there was no need to “fantasize” anymore. And since then - aside from finding a few “cheating” porn gifs and pictures on his phone once - he had never mentioned the idea to me again and I thought him quitting his porn habit in the last two years was the solution to it all. Now when it came up again recently after all this time, I was quite baffled. I still don’t know why and I would like to ask him, but that won’t affect my stance on it and how if that is something he really feels, then we are just incompatible with each other.

The problem I have to make that decision is that he just happens to act very differently in reality which is not in line with this so-called fantasy. For example, in the very beginning of our relationship he talked very negatively about people in open relationships. He also said he could never want to try a threesome, unless cloning would become a thing in the future. When in one of our early Skype calls we watched porn together (back then I didn’t know he had an addiction), there was a compilation video that briefly showed

Spoiler: Trigger warning

double penetration

and suddenly we had to stop because it “killed his boner” and he wouldn’t like thinking of “sharing me with another man”. Many times he has covered my eyes when there was a half-naked or naked guy on TV, once even saying “I’ll be your eye-candy and you’ll be mine?” while doing that. He once felt “sick” and “dirty” when he (mistakenly - I am demisexual, which is very hard for him to understand) thought I had gotten aroused by a scene with a shirtless actor or when I was watching some fitness videos that happened to have buff guys in them. For about 10 months we had the same job at a car factory with 90% male workers and whenever we took the bus together to the factory, he wanted me to have the window seat so that my ‘behind’ would be out of sight for the other guys on the bus. And he mentioned many times how he felt uncomfortable with me being in such an environment and eventually we quit the job. He needs to walk behind me whenever he notices guys checking me out or give them an ‘angry look’. A few times when we went to see a movie and I happened to have a seat next to a guy, he had to switch seats with me. Before I met him, I had created a silly fan group on an online gaming platform about Ryan Gosling (my once actor crush) and some time ago he got so triggered by that group that he asked me to delete it.

All of this behavior doesn’t seem compatible to me with him wanting me to be intimate with another man. But I just don’t know how to find out which is the real him, or maybe he actually has both of these opposite sides in him, I don’t know.. I have a theory that the further we are distant emotionally and physically, the further he distances himself sexually from me. He was bullied as a teenager and even had a prank played on him with a girl asking him out for a date but only as a joke and the whole school made fun of him. I am his first sexual experience so before me, he never really learned what sexuality means other than from porn which is very far away from reality. We had about 1,5 years of long-distance relationship (we met online), then 1,5 years of living together and now currently we are in a long-distance phase again, so he has to resort to taking care of his needs with pictures of me which I’m sure isn’t really good but better than porn. And on top of that we are fighting a lot of with this never-ending long-distance situation where we can’t be together physically. So I feel like whenever there is a conflict on top physical distance and he feels resentment or rejection from me, he escapes into his porn fantasies. We both have issues with intimacy, for him it’s sexual intimacy and for me it’s emotional intimacy. I usually handle fights by going distant from him emotionally, and he might be using porn as a “weapon” against me when I cause him to feel shame or rejection.

I feel like the more we got the chance to grow together physically and therefore sexually by living together, the more his behavior seemed to reflect the sexual-romantic commitment part of the relationship (for example, in the beginning he had no problem with my actor crush fan group). Before I met him, I never believed in soulmates, let alone true love, but he is really like another version of me, except sexuality-wise. We are more than perfect for each other except for this fantasy that is just so incompatible with my idea of love and commitment. But I don’t know if it is just a symptom of porn and some maladaptive coping mechanism, or if this is really him and really what he wants. I think thanks to having his sexuality conditioned 100% by porn as an impressionable teenager being bullied by his peers, he doesn’t even realize (or want to realize) that sex could possibly be a way to express love, because becoming open to intimacy and acceptance means becoming vulnerable and open to rejection. I think that is also why this fantasy might only work in his head because porn turns people into objects and maybe that’s why he can’t see it as cheating but as using people as if they were sex toys, especially since this whole fantasy started with actual sex toys. So when something happens in real life and he can actually see people for what they are, he acts very differently. But I don’t know how to convince him of that or if he actually should need any convincing. I feel like he should already know what his heart is telling him feels right and wrong, but I also know how much control porn can have over him...

I am no psychologist so this is all speculation but maybe some PAs or SOs have some insight to share. Sorry, this ended up being a really long and maybe confusing post but if anyone read this far, feel free to share suggestions or thoughts.

 

I think the same as Stream07. Now if you really imagine him fucking some other girl, you probably feel anger inside yourself. Because if I think about my girlfriend having sex with another man. Plus If I think about that it was my Idea, I get a very strong mix of negative emotions. I believe that it is some sort of porn induceed fetish and I believe if he really quits porn he'd see the true value and effect you have on him. Because if I think back when I watched really much porn in the past I thought: "It's a little bonus to have a girlfriend to all the porn I consume, but mainly I expresse my sexuality through porn." Really that's what I thought! That doesn't mean that I didn't loved her. I really did and do, but it was like if porn said to me: "You know what, love isn't that important I mean you have me!" So stupid as I was I believed it. I thought "Sex is more valubal than Love." I just thought I am so young and why do I really need a girlfriend? I mean I could have sex with lots of girls in my school! So I broke up and I never will forget the look on her face. She couldn't believe what I was saying, because it was so unlike me. But she believed in me and she held on to me. After one week reality knocked on my door and said: "You are all alone now, how does this feel to let such a beautiful and smart girl go, who loved you from head to toe? Pretty shitty, what?" And everybody in my family said the same thing, especially my grandma:"How could you fuck yourself up that hard? Why did you pushed a girl, who loved you so much, away from you?" They didn't said it, because I didn't had a girlfriend now. They said it, because they knew, when I didn't realized it then, that she gave me true love! And I think you don't need to have a girlfriend or boyfriend to live happily, but to have someone, who truelly loves you, It's a blessing! It really opened my eyes.
After this week, I apolized like 1000 times and she took me back, because she loved me that much!!!
But, but I also fucked her up pretty good. I mean she had trouble sleeping the next few months and I had to build the trust to her again. It wasn't easy, but I knew I could do it!
And now I understand the true value of someone loving you with all their heart!
If I think about now, how I behave in the past, I would really really like to punch myself in the face.
I'll never threat her that way again! Porn told me I could and everything will be fine. Porn told me this, but in the end it was my decision to follow the advice.
I had to push it that far(breaking up), to understand that porn is just hurting me!!!
I swear if I'd pushed it a bit farther, just a bit, her and me might never gotten together again.
You said it yourself:"my heart broke into a million pieces when he said that and I felt a big lump in my throat for the next couple of days". This is just what happend when you talked about it. I think if he really see's you having sex with another men, the reality will knock on his door, too!
But this time it will be too late and if he realizes you had sex with another man because of him, he will fall in a deep deep hole!
But I believe that the whole threesome thing, which your boyfriend is talking about, is just porn induceed! I believe by what you told, he truelly loves you.
I loved and love my girlfriend too. But pornography made me do things, which almost ended our relationship! And I think that can happen, but not if you realize it early enough!
And the decision to quit porn has to be his decision! He has to want it!
I don't say I figuered it all out and never watched porn since then, but in comparison to the past I am much more thankful for my girlfriend and I don't feel empty anymore. The sex is way better too! I want to know her and not only have sex with her! It is very very hard to quit porn. But you know what is harder? Fuck your whole life up and not noticing!
What helped me the most was him: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6gyVlwXwtqkn4KLjx3nDHg
You could recommend the youtube channel to your boyfriend!
Hope you the best, too!!!

 

Thanks for all your replies. I don't know what to do anymore. Since we are in a long distance relationship right now I have no idea how much porn he is still watching, if any. But he keeps saying he feels like wanting to try it but he can respect it if I don't want to. I just don't know if I can be happy with the knowledge that he feels differently about me than I feel about him.

 

He is completely in denial about it he doesn't want to acknowledge any of this being related to porn

 

To be honest, whenever we are together physically, I've never really noticed him having too much trouble to abstain from porn. I've just been visiting him for 6 weeks and in all of that time, he never once looked at porn. But he still kept talking about that fantasy during that time. So I am confused if this is just what he really wants.

 

I completely agree with you that it is. But he seems to think that doesn't make it bad. He says, "he doesn't need scientists to tell him what he can do and want to do, or what he is." I know because we have a very close relationship. We are spending time together 24/7. And he will sit in front of his PC openly or read something or be on his phone also openly discussing with me what he is doing and looking at.

 

I think it's probably that, he has stopped looking at porn but he isn't really sober then, his mind is still not healed. But then I wonder how he else can reach that point other than abstaining from porn?

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

I have talked to him about all of this and basically said that if he really wants me to have sex with another man while he watches or him having sex with another woman while I watch, then we are just incompatible and I can’t continue the relationship anymore, since sexual infidelity goes against my whole nature and values, against everything what I believe means love, commitment, loyalty, desire and intimacy. Now facing the threat of breaking up, he finally told me that this might have something to do with his self image. He says he feels really insecure about his body (he has gained a lot of weight) and feels like he can’t satisfy me sexually and that I don’t make him feel desired. Which makes me feel really, really bad. I know that I have issues with expressing my feelings and thoughts but I didn’t think I could cause such self doubts and radical thoughts i feel like my sexuality always causes so many conflicts, I tried to explain it to him for over 4 years or so, since we’ve been together, as demisexual I am basically asexual unless I have a person that I love, only that triggers my sexual desire. But still, he covers my eyes whenever there are half naked men, even when I tell him it’s like looking at a tree for me. So if I understood him correctly, he thought that by seeing me pleasured by another man, it would be basically an act of love, since he thinks he isn’t able to fulfill my sexual needs and pleasure me. To me that still feels like a very twisted way of thinking because it’s a physical affair no matter if with consent or not. But for now, he is still not wanting to hear anything about porn being the cause for this.

 

I completely agree with this. There used to be a regular user in this section that always said how a women's intuition/gut feeling/sixth sense is usually right. After dday and promises to change, I regularly had a feeling in my gut that something wasn’t right. He would usually do his secret porn browsing on his phone, almost always in the bathroom, sometimes in the bedroom when my back was turned on him. Sometimes when he didn’t expect me to come in, he suspiciously was just staring at the home screen or holding his phone away from me so I couldn’t see the screen. And every time he denied anything happening, no matter how rationally and logically I would try to argue. Eventually I found ways to play detective and every time I was confirmed in my suspicions. But for now, I do feel like he has changed a lot, at least when it comes to his porn use. Even if it seems to be just avoiding it rather than facing the issues behind it all...