Practically codependent before, but now just furious.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Michele102779, Jan 15, 2017.

  1. Michele102779

    Michele102779 Fapstronaut

    When I found out about my husband's addiction, I wanted to be as supportive as possible. I tried to hide how hurt I was when he would relapse, for fear of making him feel too guilty. Eventually, I started to wonder if being so understanding was just enabling him. This has gone on for months and months.

    I don't know why, but suddenly, even though he is doing pretty well, I'm just pissed. I feel vengeful, not wanting to have sex with him or be physically intimate in any way because I'm obviously not good enough, or what he would really rather be doing with his dick. I'm perfectly aware that I'm not looking at this the right away, and that this isn't healthy for our relationship or odds of survival, but I can't shake the feeling. The other day he said something to the effect of how crazy it is how bad it (porn) re-wires your brain to the point that you think "real live human, eh" and I all heard was "you are eh." Yeah, I get that it doesn't matter WHO he's with, but the bottom line is ... I'm just "eh." Well, then, F off. Have a nice life with PMO addiction.

    It's like I've jumped to the opposite end of the spectrum, when what I really need to find is a middle ground.

    Sorry, needed to vent.
    CDD34 and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  2. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Keep venting if you need too. And please remember it is good for you to express all of those feelings. Don't worry about him feeling guilty, there will be plenty of time after for him to not feel guilty. There is something that my wife and I use called FANOS. There is a link in my signature that will explain how it works. It has been an awesome tool for us. It is ok for you to feel pissed and angry and sad. I believe that it is only fair of him to go through those emotions with you. You could sit him down and warn him that you need to release some very tough emotions and that you need him there to help support you, as he should be wanting to.

    I hope this helps. Stay strong!
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  3. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    I would take being vented at by my wife, over the silence I currently endure, every day for the rest of my life.
    September likes this.
  4. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    I hear you. My SO has been clean for almost 3 months. I have good days and bad days. I find I feel ok only when we are communicating often about it and I am able to express my hurt to him and have it heard. I don't know when it will get easier. The last few days I have had the awful feeling that the trust and integrity of the relationship is broken in a way that won't ever really be fixable. I am not really sure what to do with that feeling :(
  5. Monster Carrot

    Monster Carrot Fapstronaut

    Your husband was a moron for putting it like that... no other way to say it :confused:
  6. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    Western history, abridged.
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  7. Monster Carrot

    Monster Carrot Fapstronaut

    Nah, this is even below the standard baseline for dumb husbands, lol.
  8. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

    I find your abundance of faith disturbing.
  9. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

    OMG I completely get this!!! My husband said some horrible things the first few years of his sobriety.

    The thing that made it the MOST hurtful, though, was that he wasn't trying to be hurtful. No, he really believed those things!

    If he'd tried to be hurtful, I could write them off; but since he really believed it, I felt like he'd gutted me--just cut me open and all my insides fell out.

    I'm wondering though, is that what started pissed vengefulness you're feeling? If so, I totally get it! So hurtful.

    Just know, it could take a while before he may be able to think about what he says before he says it. Porn does rewire the brain, and one of the ways I've seen it affect the men we help is they just don't hear themselves--they can say some really hurtful things without ever meaning to. It's still baffling sometimes.

    And putting your hurt on the shelf... I did that, too, and the same rage followed. (My heart goes out to you, @Michele102779 )

    It's a long hard battle to recover, not just yourself, but your relationship, but it CAN be done!
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2017
    Strength And Light and September like this.
  10. September

    September Fapstronaut

    Oh, I can relate to what you are feeling. Like he was doing pretty well while I was pissed.
    It takes time and it is hard. I have learnt that untill I am not able to forgive there will be pain. And this was important for me not for him. As soon as I was able to say in my mind: I forgive you for all the pain you have caused, for all the tears, for my struggle with self image and self esteem, for feeling that those ladies were far more attractive for you than I were despite my attempts to please you and my love, for everything else. I wish you will never know how hurtfull are feelings of betrayal. I want to see you healed and happy.
    Only than I could feel relief from my pain. But I still fall to the old way of thinking from time to time. Like when I want him to feel the same pain I endured.

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