Problematic Categories- The Solution

Think of this Thread as a place to come and discuss the addiction to porn that might've taken a turn from less... common categories. This is a place to share the shit that works, doesn't work, and your underlying reasons you've been found to be causing things. Also a place to just drop all the shit that's been on your mind.

 

In other forums, I've shared bits and pieces about my journey into and out of pornography. I feel like right here and now is an excellent time to integrate it.

I started watching porn at about 13. Started on YouTube during the summertime- I wasn't busy with school and sports. I talked to my buddies about it, as most 13 year olds do. It was all normal then, A LOT of lesbian shit, but that's what I consider normal. Little did I know, it sort of fucked up my conception of the girls around me, and I ended up on a track where I fantasized about me being excluded from sex. However, there was enough masturbation about me being involved that I guess it remedied this from being harmful.

That's when shit started getting rather weird. By about 14 I was drifting into the cartoon world. I still maintained a lot of friends, good grades, but stopped doing sports. This negatively impacted my self-perception, and made me feel worthless. Not worth a real person. I stopped hanging out on social media sites and shit, and stopped going out in the neighborhood as much. Focused inward for awhile, but managed to find a new friend group. But by then I was using porn heavily as a crutch. Mostly still lesbian and cartoon shit.

After this I had a huge glo-up. Stopped watching as much porn in general and talked to a whole lotta women. Started taking care of myself again and got re-involved in sports, and life! But something was wrong, I didn't quite feel valued or wanted in any of the relationships that ensued. I had a really hot and awesome girlfriend who I completely pushed away because of my crazy level of unwantedness I felt. All she tried to do was hang out with me as a friend and as a lover. But I feel as if my brain was so fucked up from watching porn that didn't involve a man, and porn in general, that I couldn't handle the good times. That was when things started spiraling downhill.

I started being a douchebag, broke up with her, and talking to like a million girls. I only wanted nudes and shit because it most closely emulated the porn I was addicted to. Eventually, after I had fucked up the new relationships I made, I began to close off. Not just from women but from my friends. Quit sports. Ended the 4.0 GPA streak and became barely a 2.0 student. And started watching very humiliating porn. If you know, you know, but I absolutely hate that phase.

It started off only mildly dipping my fingers in, but I fell full force in eventually. Started with gender bender shit and interracial fear mongering and turned into bestiality, furry shit, clown porn, shit and piss porn, and necrophilia. I never want to fucking relive any of that. Needless to say, from a fucked up enough mental state to even want to see this, I did nothing but live standing next to the devil. Started shoplifting, doing drugs, and yelling at random guys on the street and flashing knives. Almost got a felony for GTA, and then started cleaning up my act. When I couldn't, I ODed and went to the hospital and had to tell my disabled mother and father everything. Worst day of my life.

After that, I thought things would get better. But I don't know if this is some high-level brain chemistry I don't know about, but my brain was fucked up ever since I ODed (on PCP). I became paranoid, depressed, and anxious. School was difficult for me to remember things, while I naturally was still able to figure things out. After that socailizing terrified me. Girls that I had previously had relationships with I found myself with a bitter hatred and paranoia towards. A few girls liked me that year, but I found myself with a terrible fear of cheating and humiliation that I quite literally ran away from them or told them not to touch me and that I never wanted to see them again. Somehow, this hurt me more than anything else, because I truly felt like an incel.

I found myself with an intense attachment to sissy and interracial porn as I had made a terrible choice of mixing hallucinogens and hypnosis porn videos. The resulting aftermath led to paranoia and intense, intense addiction. This was the phase that I felt as if something was wrong, truly wrong. I knew from a young age that I was cisgender, and the transsexual addiction became proof to me that I really needed to take action.

I was truly alone at this point. Drove away most of my friends, girls, family. The only people I really talked to were the people I got my drugs from. And I decided to give up drugs, and then a few months later, weed. Ironically, I had refused to touch nicotine at all throughout my life. Anyways, I became straightedge, but to no avail with porn. I graduated, and I joined the military and got an EOD contract, only for me to throw it all away because of the intense anxiety I felt from being separated from porn. This was unacceptable to me. I had gone into training only to fucking leave because of mental health problems. This made the intense self-hatred I had already felt worse.

I came back home. Self-worth problems still terrible as always. Then I got a job working on cars. I lived the simple life for awhile, working 11.25 hour days, driving 2 hours for work, and of course, holding onto my addiction. But I developed self-worth in my work ethic, working hard and being the best lube tech. It was something, I guess. I started lifting again and began to look forward to things. Working close to 70 hours a week with no overtime pay for $9 an hour was great and all, but eventually I left. I bought a firebird and tore it apart, to which, I am still putting back together to this day. I job jumped for awhile, trying my hand at a few different entry level jobs, but resolving that I did like the automotive/machine industry.

This is when I resolved that there was a way out, and it was quitting porn. I went through an incredible rollercoaster of emotions, which brought me ultimately nowhere. I had tried and failed to quit porn at least 100 times, and it was terrible for my self-esteem. My mother developed lung cancer and died shortly after, leaving my arthritic father and I to pick up the pieces. I quit my job, came home, and worked my fucking ass off because I knew my father was distraught after losing my mom, and learned EVERYTHING about the real world. We had been hoarding crap up until that point, with our house slowly falling apart. We hadn't done paperwork or taxes in years. We eventually moved. My mother had still acted as a shield for me for all the negative shit until the day she died.

The only thing I could do then was grieve. I had enrolled in some courses at the community college, and started taking them seriously. I got all A's for three semesters which helped my self-esteem. But I began to be forced to leave my house and for healthy things, which was the best part. I started working again. Most of the hard things associated with death had passed. My grades allowed me to join an honors society which gave a scholarship to University. I had started running again (my main sport growing up was track), and got accepted to run at university as well. I was legitimately excited.

I still had terrible addiction, but less so. I had achieved 21 day streaks, and had successfully achieved clearly my mind of porn some days in this stage. It was still the intense addiction to humiliating categories, granted not as bad. The relapses were terrible and the mindfuck leading to them, but I got through it. The power of the mind is not a joke. It can keep you down or have you flying high. Eventually, I had saved up enough money to move out, and I moved to a new city entirely for college.

I did all the adult shit like getting an apartment, furniture shopping, moving, mail, paperwork filing, and the like. Now I have been settled in for 5 months exactly. I managed to stay rather porn free in the months of july and september, but recently it has been creeping back in. The intensely humiliating categories have lost their humiliating factor now that I have self-worth and value my own opinion. I have been doing mostly just school, but the desire to watch porn while doing schoolwork isn't quite as bad as it used to be. I mostly find myself attracted to vanilla categories of porn when I do relapse.

I have been relapsing 5 out of 7 days a week. All are vanilla now. This is a little conquest, but a conquest nonethless. As I said in other forums, I know it must go. It's unnatural and I have a woman who is more than happy to have sex with me. But part of me can't say goodbye. Partly out of habit, partly because it is still available(i.e. porn blockers uninstalled), partly because I am so happy that I made it to the vanilla stage that I just want to enjoy it. When the videos that used to instill you with fear don't anymore, it feels good to watch what you actually wanted to get off to for years. It sounds dumb saying it out loud but in my head makes total sense. Part of it also is that I am still afraid of monogomy, and part of me wants to sleep with other women but I feel guilty for having that desire. Porn is a more benign way to fulfill those now that I have my sexuality back.

I still don't feel like I'm leading the life I want to. I have a list that I said I'd complete and start living but it is taking ages. I want to finish it by the end of december, if possible. This is the single biggest factor in me still being addicted to porn. I am in the grind, and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I know that that day has not come, thus I refuse to start living. I love myself, I truly do, but I know what I must do.

I need to reinstall blockers on my phone and laptop. I need to grind out the hw I have now, so that I don't feel like I'm drowning during the week. I need to assemble the transmission parts I do have into the firebird transmission. And, I need to organize the desk and file 2 months work of paperwork. Everything else can be will come with time. But this is my weekend list. And it's time I get crackin!

 

I'd say if it isn't meth it is damn close. Whoever compiles the video using a technique of subliminal implementation to give you thoughts you hadn't had before. The captions onscreen appeal to the literary side of you, and the audio the musical. Then there is the pornography itself, being a hyperstimulus, and changing so rapidly that it stimulates the part of you brain that wants to have many sexual partners. It is the perfect poison. I would compare it to black tar heroin. I felt legitimate withdrawl symptoms where I panicked and it was all I could think about. I am still not sure whether this was because of the videos themselves, or some of the drugs that I had been on while watching them, but having done both independently, I am leaning towards the videos.