Problematic solo masturbation in marriage

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by megaman85, Oct 3, 2020.

  1. I'm directing this question to married people here, but anyone can chime in if they feel they have something to add. Is it reasonable to expect your spouse to fulfill all your sexual needs, or should some desires be fulfilled alone, or abandoned all together?

    I posted this here because some of my sexual preferences could be considered problematic. I'm a straight guy, but have been obsessed with "butt stuff" as long as I can remember, even before looking at porn. Sometimes this goes along with other self-feminizing fetishes, but not always. I seem to go through phases. It's not something I've hidden from wife, as I disclosed this near the beginning of our relationship 11 years ago.

    That being said, she will not partake in it and I feel unfulfilled. She isn't against it from what she's told me, but just will not initiate. I've brought it up numerous times, even buying toys for her to use on me. I don't mention it up anymore because her response is usually along the lines of her "failing" as a wife for not pleasing me. I don't feel that way at all, but convincing her otherwise is impossible. It doesn't help that we don't have the same views on masturbation. As I mentioned earlier, I was already very sexual (with myself) way before porn came along. She has never masturbated nor seen the point in it.

    I feel I've come to a crossroads in my life and I don't know what to do. I quit porn and jerking off, but never gave up anal masturbation. I've always purely enjoyed the feeling, and it's never required porn or going until I finish. Just something I've always done. I guess it's "problematic" because sometimes I feel intense guilt about it. My wife has given me mixed signals whether it's ok or not, and it doesn't help I put her through hell with my porn addiction in the past.

    We don't have the best sex life as she's often tired from working her job. It's perfectly understandable though as she puts in 50+ hours a week in a kitchen, so I'm thankful for the intimate time we do get together. The sex we do have is amazing, just very vanilla for the most part. Any advice from those in similar situations? As I said earlier, talking to her about this hasn't went well at all in the past. Just to be clear, I've never cheated on her or anything like that.
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    What is “ not the best sex life? Do u have sex once a week? A month? A year? Because that can be very different for each couple. Also, when you masturbate what do you think of? How long since you’ve used porn or Psubs? Did she discover your pmo or did you tell her? I believe that sex between two people should be whatever makes both of them happy, connected and fulfilled. However, porn distorts connected intimate love making. Why are u unfulfilled ?
     
  3. We have sex sometimes as much as 3 times a week, other times as little as once a month. When it's that little, we both agree we'd like to more. Usually it's our jobs getting in the way through long hours or stress. I can accept the frequency, but the problem is an entire aspect of my sexuality is unfulfilled. I currently address that need myself, but rarely in an active way. Usually, it's something like wearing a butt plug while I clean or do something else. I don't typically think of anything as I'm concentrating on the act itself. The fulfillment is the enjoyable feeling I'm getting from it, that I conquered something, or just the overall excitement of doing something "taboo." This is different then when I used to jerk off, which always involved fantasizing about other women. As I said, I discovered this about myself before being introduced to porn, and even before normal teenage masturbation. It's an aspect of my sexuality that I've been practicing for most of my life now.

    Regarding PMO, I didn't realize it was a problem early in the relationship and never told her. I lied the first time she found my porn and continued to lie, breaking her trust big time. I struggled with relapses for probably two years or so, then finally quit for good over 3 years ago. There's been a couple times during our relationship where she's come home unexpectedly and caught me masturbating anally, but with no porn involved. I made it clear I would rather her join, but she was really upset about it. I'm afraid she mistakenly associates my anal play with porn use, although I've explained to her time and time again that it's not.

    That is the reason I'm unfulfilled. She won't engage in something that is an important part of my sexuality. I don't like doing something sexual without her, but all attempts to get her involved have failed. My options are to keep doing what I'm doing and feeling guilty, or to just try to get over it and move on. She already sees a therapist for anxiety/depression, so we can't afford more counseling. I'd rather not even bring this up to her, because her response will be that she's a failure. Her depression makes her mental state very fragile and I do not want to revert any of the progress she's made. Other than her mental health issues and my porn use in the past, we have a great relationship and love each other deeply.
     
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  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Were u ever molested as a child? The fascination with anal is many times caused by children being molested. This would also be why you “ liked” it before porn. Many times adults don’t realize they play out their abuse. Some recognize it and some don’t. I’m honestly not sure what you should do. You can’t make someone perform sexually acts they find distasteful, but I’m sure you know that. It’s also sad that this leaves you unfulfilled. I could say change your mind set, but that’s easier said than done when it comes to sexuality Does it upset your wife? Perhaps it’s too much of a reminder, and maybe you need to approach it as though it were porn and just accept it’s a no go? I can say, as long as my husband is intimate with me, I do not believe I would be unfulfilled if there were certain acts he didn’t want to do. Plain vanilla is good so long as he’s there with me.
     
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  5. BigBob73

    BigBob73 Fapstronaut

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    Oh it isn't a big deal. If you want to stuff a cucumber up your ass she doesn't have to be involved. In my opinion it's entirely up to you. If she wont strap one on and peg you what alternative do you have? If she wont join in then I can't see a problem myself. as for her never masturbating, I've only ever met one girl that said that to me.
     
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  6. Saythatagain

    Saythatagain Fapstronaut

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    IMO you are surfing lots of issues that get confusing. I’m with you on liking some anal play in bed. I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse from another male so I can’t tell you what affect it had on me. What I can know for sure is what I like. My first marriage turned sexless but my porn used escalated significantly. She was very timid sexually and I always felt shame when her response was less than accepting. Shame is the biggest driving force behind my acting out and it’s taken support groups, therapy and acceptance to turn the corner. My freaking problem is looking back around the corner I turned and questioning crap. I want acceptance, intimacy and touch. Three things porn will never give me out acting out. It’s so hard to navigate these waters. I feel if someone can’t be open enough with them selves to masterbate to orgasm how is anyone else going to be able to do so. It’s almost very selfish to put that all on the other person. I’ve enjoyed pegging and truthfully crave it maybe a handful times over a year. There are times I want to just push her down on the bed and go to town like an animal. Most of the time though, I want to touch her and kiss her all over and feel connected and equal sexually. Right one or battles at a time so you effective. If you take on more you might feel like you’re getting further but you are not proficient at anything. How this helps. I’m up to PM as well.
     
    megaman85 likes this.
  7. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    This can be a complex problem. Your wife sees it as “failure” on her part. Maybe b/c she believes in the more conservative aspect of sex? Or maybe butt play is “gross” to her? Maybe she tried with a boyfriend back in the day and it wasn’t a good experience?

    Have you sat down and had a conversation with her about it? Not a “hey honey I like this” but a “here’s something that’s been a part of my sexuality” conversation. I get why you want her to do it—it’s part of who you are, part of what you desire and you want to share that with her.

    I feel that spouses should want to satisfy their partners needs. We share our hearts, minds and bodies. But often there will be things that he/she may not want to do, no matter how much we want them.

    A suggestion: maybe put your fulfillment on the back burner. Have you asked her what she wants? If there is a need or desire she wants met? I’ve often found giving leads to a lot of getting in return. Also, a deeper exploration of your wife’s sexuality may help you understand why she isn’t willing to participate in your particular desire.
     
    megaman85 likes this.
  8. It's interesting you bring up childhood, as I've never really considered how that may have impacted my sexuality. I definitely grew up in a dysfunctional environment with a history of sexual abuse in my extended family. I wasn't molested, but did experience mental and some physical abuse. I know I turned to porn as a coping mechanic at some point. Maybe my preferences were influenced as well.

    As far as your suggestion, I've always been about pleasing her and finding out what she likes. I've put my fulfillment on the backburner for many years now. She craves touch, as in hugs, cuddling, massages, etc. Over the years, I've made a conscious effort to give her more of these things. She's never reciprocated when my desires are raised.
     
  9. In many ways I feel the same. Why is any of her business if she won't participate? However, it's difficult to explain this to someone who doesn't masturbate... she just doesn't seem to get that sexuality can be explored alone. She almost seems to be offended, like I'm picking that over her. It's like someone refusing to play a game with you, then they come home and get upset that you're playing the game alone. Although now she's told me she doesn't have a problem with it, it's hard to not feel guilty because of her past reactions. At the same time, I'm not sure I believe her. She has a habit of saying things are fine when they're not.
     
  10. Umm... have you thought about resigning from anal masturbation? It sounds like you're kind of, well, addicted to it.

    Maybe try refraining from it for some time and see whether its problematic not to do it for longer periods of time.

    Marriage is about doing things together and having fun. If it's not consensual, then maybe don't bother your wife with it. You sound like a good couple to me.
     
    An0nym0use1234 likes this.
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Many of you may find this hard to believe, but a lot of women don’t masturbate. Sexuality can be explored alone in my opinion when your young, and learning, and don’t have a partner. Once you marry, that part should be met in a healthy way with your partner. Not compulsive masturbation after your partner goes to bed. Masturbation is a juvenile sexual exploration, IMO. I completely stopped masturbation the day I got married. Sex was one of the reasons I got married! That being said, many women are very dysfunctional with how they approach and view sex. Many times because of childhood abuse, or a very religious upbringing. I think this is where really being honest about your needs, her needs, and both your expectations comes into play. Great conversations lead to great sex in my experience. Lol.
     
    megaman85 likes this.
  12. Yes, it's very confusing. Sometimes I think it would be better to sever my sexuality altogether and go full-on asexual. You've given me some very interesting points to think about. I would be fine with some anal play even just a few times a year. It doesn't have to be every time we have sex. There is definitely a shame factor involved for me as well, but stress is ultimately what drives my compulsions. Whenever my stress level starts to become unmanageable, my sexuality goes into overdrive. It can really be a problem when my wife isn't available. Like you, I've at least realized porn doesn't give me what I'm looking for. I'm afraid though one day my desires will ramp up and I'll look for it outside the marriage. I'm considering therapy myself as the compulsions are almost unbearable at times, even since quitting PMO.
     
  13. I appreciate your response, but I've given it up for long periods of time and it hasn't changed my desire. I get that marriage is doing things together. An equal part of marriage is having time to yourself, and retaining your own identities.

    That's what I'm battling with. It's not something I have to do, as I can go months, or even years without it. I ultimately like to do it, and would prefer it do with my wife. Of course, I'm not going to bother her with it if she's not on board. If she doesn't want to engage though, the only choices are to drop it completely, or do it in private. There's where I'm at right now.
     
  14. BigBob73

    BigBob73 Fapstronaut

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    I've only met one woman who doesn't masturbate. I've always considered it normal. For me my girlfriend telling me she masturbated or sending me pics was always a huge part of our sex lives
     
    megaman85 likes this.
  15. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    @megaman85 I think your partner is doing you a favor. The last thing you want is to project the self-destructive images you view online into your own person and sexual life. Once you will try this kind of stimulation in real life with your partner, you will condition yourself into wanting more of it. It will confuse you to a point you might develop gender dysphoria and an identity crisis. This 'play' isn't some integral part of your sexuality, it is the fruit of profound visual conditionning and practice. But it's good news, because it implies you can get rid of it if you aim to.

    Remember that neuroplasticity is very much real, and a lot of nofap users feel disoriented and sexually dysfunctional due to it's long term effects. However, once they are aware of it's existence, rewiring their brains becomes easier then before. I invite you to contemplate on this for a period of time, and learn more about the possibility of rewiring the brain. As well as any impact psycho-sexual accomodation might have on a person.

    This is what I have to say to you, but think deeply before making any choice.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2020
  16. I'm starting to think people aren't reading my original post. As I said, this was something I started doing before looking at porn. Maybe it's a dysfunction, or maybe it's just a preference. I'm very much aware that images online distort one's sexuality, and the conditioning involved. This isn't something I saw in porn and said, "Hey, let me try that!"

    I quit porn over 3 years ago and this desire still remains. Other kinks did go away, or were strongly reduced over time. That's why this "feels" integral to my sexuality. Part of quitting porn was to see what preferences were my own, and which were influenced by porn.
     
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  17. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    What if sex was never meant to be about "having all my sexual needs met." What if it is was really meant to be only a sliver of a married relationship, particularly important during the time of having children. What if over time a sexualized, promiscuous society falsely made it much more than that - as if sexual satisfaction were the major project of the human person (particularly men) at every moment of our lives. The more couples age, the more the contrary seems to be true, even. Of course, one can disagree with this. But, if it is true, just think what an impossible endeavor with much existential angst we might be putting before ourselves if sex is at the pinnacle of our sight (not to mention its potential of damaging or destroying committed relationships), rather than elevating more important things in life that should take such a prominent place. Do we even ask about and contemplate those valuables? Best wishes!

    .
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2020
  18. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    It's more complicated than what you might originally see. I'm aware you started doing this before porn, but it doesn't mean it cannot be a habit you groomed yourself into developping with practice. Many compulsive habits are gained due to regular practice. But in your case it has been even more reinforced by porn. Personally, I think that it can be reduced or completely gotten rid off with the right will and patience. Quitting porn is only one ingredient of the recipe, having a clear goal of removing any dysfunctional habit is the real catharsis. Not all 'kinks' will magically go away just because you stopped using porn, according to your own words:

    If it was really an integral part of your sexuality for the reason the desire for it remains after stopping porn, doesn't that mean that the other 'kinks' (whatever they might be) that were strongly reduced -without vanishing-are exactly the same ? Since you firmly think that quitting PMO will remove any porn induced preference and leave only the ones that 'feel' integral to your sexuality.

    Of course, it is not something that happen overnight. Most of the process is subconscious, and requires gradual influence to reach the 'final' step, and I don't only speak about your dysfunction/preference. But none of this means that it's an 'integral' part of your sexuality. Many clues you have given indicate that it's your oldest 'kink' or sexual habit. Something you may have started out of curiosity but got stuck with many years later, since it created a strong 'path' in your brain that associates pleasing sensation with this 'act'.
     
    megaman85 likes this.
  19. I definitely get what you're saying. I'm giving this some consideration and exploring some of the "why" involved in this kink. From what I've been looking into, I may have developed this habit to self-soothe during my childhood. Putting this out there as it may help others as well.
     
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  20. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    Yes, this is what it seems to me to be honest: A habit that stuck with you over years but you had no will/time to address.

    I don't know if you'll feel interested in this or if it will feel useful, but some trans-women (male to female) reported being unable to feel any kind of stimulation after undergoing a full-transition. Which means after removing the male genitalia, they were unable to feel anything even with anal stimulation.

    Think about this deeply, and give your response.
     

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