Problematic solo masturbation in marriage

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by megaman85, Oct 3, 2020.

  1. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    I disagree with the line of thinking that being aroused by “butt stuff” is somehow abnormal, to the point we are now referencing trans-women reassignment surgery.

    Anal stimulation is something straight men, gay men and women frequently find pleasure able. But it seems the conversation here points to that particular desire or “kink” as being wrong. The underlying message reads that vanilla is the only acceptable flavor.

    Preferences, kinks, fetishes—they’re not bad as long as they are consensual, don’t cause harm or are illegal. Some people like anal, some like bdsm, some like fem-don etc. if the kink is not problematic (like hypno-sissy, for example) then we shouldn’t focus on it as a problem.

    @megaman85 ’s issue is that his wife has no desire to participate in an activity he finds pleasurable and wants to bring into their shared intimacy.

    I think we get hung up on the question of “do I like this or did porn make me like it?” Honestly, I’ve wrestled with it myself on a lot of my own kinks. At the end of the day, it brings me pleasure, doesn’t hurt anyone and my partner is agreeable why worry about it? Sometimes we just get turned on by certain things.

    Back to your original question @megaman85 : No, your wife is NOT obligated to help you satisfy your sexual needs, but I think she should want to. Marriage is about a complete sharing of who and what we are. My partner knows all my dark secrets—good, bad and ugly. We are on the same wavelength sexually and we actively fulfill each other’s desires in the bedroom. I empathize with anyone who loves their partner yet has a desire not being met.

    There are things in marriage that partners will not see eye-to-eye on, obviously. The OP’s wife sees his desire as a “failing” on her part, which it is not. She is not failing as a wife (or woman) because he has this particular desire which is counter to perspective of the typical hetero male/female sexual roles in marriage. This perspective is deeply rooted in our cultural, moral, religious and societal influences. The wife may never be comfortable helping fulfill this need.
     
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  2. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    What I wanted to explain, is that I started questioning the whole idea of the P-spot thing after hearing fully transitioned trans-women envisioning suicide after they no longer felt any pleasure with 'butt stuff'. Simply because their phallus got removed, it has now started a spiral of depression with no sexual pleasure.

    Yes, this is how I see it frankly. I don't understand the appeal of 'kink' culture. I feel quite disturbed by a lot of it. I believe there are implications and 'messages' behind a lot of social acts, including sexual ones. After all, why not ? Why wouldn't sexual acts transmit ideas and even perceptions ? . Do you see what I mean ?.

    What I find interesting in your words is how you classify sissy-hypno as 'problematic', among all this menus of 'kinks'. Even though some will shame you lavishly for it. Trust me, once this 'door' is open, the lines becomes blurred and there would be no solid protocol to classify any 'kink' as : problematic, harmful, or illegal. Think about this deeply, I'm sure you will understand the real implications behind my words.

    The problem is more complex than that, true this woman sees this 'kink' as a failiure on her part. But she is also afraid about the consequences of such a 'variety', what path her relation will take in the future ?. I think I will not need to explain what each sexual organ (male or female) needs to accomplish. Which puzzle pieces are compatible, and which are not. Which sexual acts might disturb the whole brain pleasure-connections with both partners. And how this disturbance might shatter the whole biological and natural sexual roles of both men and women.
    I see PIV sex as the most natural, and harmless form of enjoyment of all. Because anatomy firmly backs up this idea. As well as the arousal mechanisms of both male and female anatomy, what both bodies are 'aiming' to do during this arousal period. This is also the only way our views of our own bodies, our gender, and the opposite one are kept healthy and stable. In other words, it doesn't wreck up the whole foundation of human identity, in which gender/sexuality are intrinsic.

    But now, I've given you my whole answer. However, I see no way I can adhere to your own. Simply, because the bases both our ideas are built upon are drastically different.

    @InappropriateUsername , if you wish to continue this conversation. You can always PM me, in case you want to know more or tell me more.
     
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  3. I'd like to offer a response to She-dernatinus and InappropriateUsername to clear a few things up. People will never totally agree on what is acceptable regarding sexuality. Across the spectrum, there are those who believe the only valid sex act is intercourse between a married man and woman, primarily for procreation. On the other end are those up for anything, as long as it's between two consenting adults. I personally don't see anything wrong with kinks in individuals that are sexually healthy. However, those here on NoFap (including myself) are sexually dysfunctional to some degree. When something becomes compulsive, it can no longer be viewed in the same light as in a healthy individual. Like many here, I'm working on untying this knot I've created over the years, which is a terrible mix of healthy and unhealthy sexual behaviors. Since porn was my primary sexual activity for so long, my entire sexuality is wrapped up in it to some degree. Anal masturbation is a possible trigger for me and sometimes compulsive, so it needs much more consideration than in a healthy individual.

    What isn't helping though is shame, or fear of shame by those on the opposite end of the spectrum. My situation would be so much simpler without the stigma around men and anal play. It doesn't help on a psychological level to hear others label any activity to do with anal as "gay." It's better than it used to be, but I still meet people with this mentality.

    Unless I'm mistaken, I believe you are implying that my need for "variety" will cross into homosexuality. I've had to say it here before, and I'll say it again. Anal play does not make you gay, or imply gay tendencies. A man is not gay unless he is attracted to other men. Yes, human sex organs were created for specific purposes. If we follow that logic though, oral sex is using organs in a way they were not intended to be used. Does that mean oral sex is wrong because it's not natural? Healthy sexuality isn't just having PIV sex, and it hasn't been the way for a long, long time. She-dernatinus, please seriously consider this. It's okay if you want to believe that, but you are very much in the minority. Human sexuality is a wide spectrum.
     
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  4. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I agree with this first statement. Why not ?
    And for the question asked; my response is close to affirmative. And instinctive/reproductive sexuality is primarely based upon PIV sex, because when both genders reach the stage of excitement, the body (male or female) is preparing itself for this very act. And certainly not something else. And it makes a lot of sense to me, I don't see why it wouldn't ?
    I'm not intending to offend you or anyone here. And I wish you don't see me in a negative light or assume that I'm old-fashioned.

    How do you know I'm in the minority ? What makes you so convinced about this statement ? I'm curious as well.

    I'm not sure about that. Neuroplasticity isn't to be reckoned with, it can make you cross a lot of lines you never thought you could in the first place. There are even people who reported developping attraction to animals, after being desensitized with long-term increasingly shocking and novel triggers. They always try to attain the next level of pleasure, because their current stimulis became dull and ineffective. Others developped attraction to children !
    I know how gradual accomodation can slowly annhilate the shock and normalize anything for the brain. And the idea that frequent 'butt play', as well as porn centred around it's varieties can't create homosexual feelings doesn't seem far-fetched.

    I can understand your shame. But even so, my goal wasn't to induce it in you in the first place. This 'butt play' that you cogitate about so much, might even destroy the very foundation of your sexuality. As a human and as a man. Do you want to follow this path ? Don't you think it will confuse your concepts of sexual identity ? As the phallus owner, your sexual base was already laid for you the moment you were conceived.
     
  5. First of all, I'm not seeing you in a negative light. However, you are in the minority and yes, your views are old-fashioned. I know this because at age 35, married couples tend to talk about what their spouses do and don't do. At this age, none of it is a big secret anymore. I know absolutely no one that subscribes to exclusively PIV sex. If you need further convincing, every woman I was with in the past expected we'd do things other than vanilla sex.

    This statement is total BS. Yes, neuroplasticity exists, but by adulthood our pathways are relatively defined. That's why it's so hard to change a current habit. I'm sure there are real examples like what you mentioned, but it's not the norm. To go even further, the majority of people can watch porn and not feel the need to escalate, just as most people can recreationally drink without becoming alcoholics. That's why porn addiction has yet to be included as officially recognized mental illness, and is instead looped in with other compulsive behaviors.

    The notion that something will "turn" someone gay is very far-fetched, unless they already have gay/bi tendencies. It could happen during an experimental phase, or the person is in denial. Many gay men tried to be straight before coming out... why didn't sex with women make them straight? This is like telling a lesbian, "You just haven't had good dick before." It's really quite a homophobic attitude that someone's sexual orientation could be so easily changed. I can tell you from experience that my butt play (or porn) has never once caused me to question my sexuality. What has caused me distress though is people like you who entertain thoughts as such.

    If butt play can "destroy" the very foundation of my sexuality, then it wasn't very strong to begin with. As I said, it's never confused my sexual identity. My phallus makes me a man, but doesn't decide my sexuality. It also doesn't limit me to using only my penis for pleasure. The male "P-spot" is well documented, and many women enjoy anal stimulation as well. My wife is one of them! Broaden your horizons before so strongly tyring to convince others your worldview is the correct path. It's not that black and white. PM me if you want to further debate, as this has really went off the rails from my original post.
     
  6. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    While I disagree on many points, I see where you’re coming from and respect how you got there. I may just PM you—don’t want to hijack @megaman85 ’s thread. To be continued!
     
  7. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    It is certainly related to the place where you live as well. Where do you think I lived and grew up ? Take a guess.

    It is true that pathways are relatively defined for the majority of adults. But don't forget that those who developped this "zoophilia" are all adults. And it's going to be worse for a child.

    You have no idea how dangerous porn is. The escalation is tied to the frequency of use among other elements. And arriving to it is mostly a matter of time, it is bound to happen sooner or later.
    And it's even more destructive than alchohol. Because P is for free and requires only typing words on keyboards and smartphones. Consuming alchohol necessitates a little bit if effort and right circumstances.
    Another important element is that the level of dopamine and serotonin produced during arousal and climax can tie and bend your sexual behavior. Add to it desensitization and you will get a clearer picture.
    Again, it's not that your sexuality wasn't strong in the begining. Even if it was, it can be "bended" but never truly annihilated, remember those who ended up having sex with their dogs. None of them started this way. Do you believe any of them came to the world with this "sexuality" ?
    And some of them even want to label their tendencies as a form of "sexuality". Called Zoo-sexuality. There are even ted talks about it.
     
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