Putting My Foot In My Mouth

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by HuwhiteMale, Dec 16, 2018.

  1. HuwhiteMale

    HuwhiteMale Fapstronaut

    This evening my girl and I went out on a date (my idea, taking the lead), and I was trying to follow the 3H's (hangout, have fun, hookup) and PCP (playful, charming, positive). Everything was going great, flirting, kissing, physical contact, escalation, etc.

    She commented on something that caused me to comment on all the different pretty girls in the restaurant/bar. She then mentioned "seeing" different women, and I know that "seeing" to her means sex / dating, of course, but I was trying to keep it fun and playful. I joked that "Oh, yeah, I'm 'seeing' so many girls. The benefits of having two eyes." This caused her to visibly close up and get distant. I should've backed off or switched the subject, but I dug myself in deeper trying to be playful. "Oh, but don't worry, you're the one I'll be 'seeing' the most. I won't even call them that much." She replied, "Oh, you just keep digging that hole you're in." And I responded, again trying to be playful, "I wonder if I keep going whether I'll come out the other side."

    Then I made the mistake of joking that me and a buddy were going to the local university to practice getting numbers and talking to chicks (that was our plan, he needs the practice more than myself, but it wasn't like I was trying to pick them up and cheat on her). She did not like that at all and her body language reflected that.

    We left but she was visibly upset. I let her have her space as we walked and tried not to be phased by it, talking very much less but keeping my comments light and casual. I took her home, didn't turn off the car or unbuckle my seat belt, as I already assumed I wasn't getting invited in. (Maybe a mistake?) She started tearing up, said she was upset, and told me that I keep mentioning things that make her feel like I'm actively pursuing different women. (I'm not.) She said she thought we were seeing each other. (We are, I don't want to change that.) She told me she feels like I'm just using her as practice and as a stepping-stone. (I'm not, I'm trying to learn and grow with her.) She said I keep bringing up "the end of us." (No idea where she got this from, but apparently she thinks I'm not committed?) I told her no, that wasn't true, she was wrong, has the wrong idea, etc. and said I'm sorry she feels that way and that I'm sorry I gave her that impression.

    She told me that she'd call me later and I have resisted the urge to contact her thus far. (Best to give her time and space, supposedly.) The irony in all this is that she's the 2nd girl I've ever had sex with, and the only girl I've actually dated, but she seems to get the impression that I'm a 'player' or that she's a booty call or that I've got a dozen girls lined up in the wings. (All her assumptions from comments I intended to be playful said in the past: "You going to leave me hard and dry tonight?", for example; or saying that I need and want "more practice" to get my stamina up (talking about sex, with her, obviously) and how she could be "one of my French girls," (I paint and most of my subjects are real girls whose permission I have to draw nude.) We've been seeing each other for about 7 weeks now regularly every weekend, and she applied the "we're dating" and "we're exclusive" labels to us, but this fuckup of mine got me feeling like I needed to vent.

    The thought of porn and rubbing one out crossed my mind, but I refused, so I came here instead. This probably should be in my journal instead of a thread unto itself, but I wanted thoughts and criticisms and advice, not that any of it will make me feel any better.
    ManHvnBnd and captainteemo like this.
  2. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    I'm glad you came here instead of going back to porn. Celebrate the little victories, you know.

    Overall, sounds like a shitty situation, but I have some hope for your situation. It sounds like she was having doubts, but you did what you could to reassure her. It sounds like she really likes you, and I'm sure you guys'll work it out! Best of luck.
    ManHvnBnd and HuwhiteMale like this.
  3. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

    On first impressions it sounds to me like she is a little insecure. Maybe she's been cheated on in the past. I think you are doing the right thing by giving her a 'cooling off' period. She'll probably snap out of it in a few days and things will return to normal, you'll just need to be a little more careful with the banter in future...
    HuwhiteMale and captainteemo like this.
  4. Goo

    Goo Fapstronaut

    Girls get like this idk why. They think that your serious when teasing.

    But from now one know that they get real pissy at the thought of you with another girl - they HATE that shit. They can't stand it.
    HuwhiteMale likes this.
  5. MetaGame

    MetaGame Fapstronaut

    I understand the fustration because u were just being playful however it sounds like she is the type of girl to take things at face value and not ignore what or why u might be saying something. Some women are like this, some especially in text or phone calls but in person its kinda more obvious if the person is joking or teasing etc. This happens and altho u may have been misunderstood sometimes its a sign its not someone that can handle ur sense of humor or the way u communicate. It also seems like she may have a minor esteem issue.

    That being said its a somewhat normal reaction she had. If u really like her and want to continue then the best thing is to really accept blame and apologize. Say " listen I was really just joking and trying to act cool. U were right I just dug myself into a hole. I had no idea you would take me seriously and I really like u. Please could you give me the chance to make it up to you."

    Thats ur move. On the other hand some girls (not all or even most) do like that kind of joke or some even if they take it serious they arent bothered , some even will feel like ur coveted or that they are special in that they currently hold ur attention. U can debate about how rare that is or if that means something is wrong with her etc but generally what u said is a bad strategy all around unless u know ur with the kind of person that will hear it the right way or will react to it the way u intend.
    Robbin6276 and HuwhiteMale like this.
  6. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    The good news is that she cares about you.

    The bad news is that you made her insecure and angry.

    In return, she created tension with you by withdrawing. She made you uncomfortable, uncertain, and anxious. She succeeded in getting what she wanted from you. Connection and your attention. It's too bad that it was created through negative circumstances.

    Now you're trying to fix things and get things back in order. Now she's punishing you. Joke or not, misunderstanding or not, you behaved like a player and now she's got you behaving like her ashamed little puppy dog.

    If you don't want this cycle to keep happening for the rest of your relationship together, then stop being playful in a hurtful manner and start being more real towards her.
    Robbin6276 likes this.

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