Question: Being in love feels like a drug

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by ThomasV, Jan 3, 2018.

  1. Love looks for the benefit of the other, while lust looks for benefit of the self. Love is outward while lust is inward; selfless vs selfish.
     
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  2. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    Oh and by the way,
    never ever put a woman on a pedestal. Not matter how cute, smart, nice, lovely...... she may be.

    And more: never ever put anybody on a pedestal.
    (including yourself )
     
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  3. ThomasV

    ThomasV Fapstronaut

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    I see in myself that I tend to do that a lot. Do you have any practical way to stop doing it or to do it less?
     
  4. I can only speak for myself but for me it was to realize that no one is perfect, myself included, and therefore it would be unfair to put anyone on a pedestal since they wouldn't be able to maintain the level of perfection I was searching for. Pedestals are unfair to the person you're putting them on and to yourself. No one is better than you or worse than you. We're all equal in that we're all flawed.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2018
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  5. ThomasV

    ThomasV Fapstronaut

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    Good way to look at it, I will try it out and let you know what the result is.
     
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  6. Roady

    Roady Fapstronaut

    It's just another way of pleasing people.
    And pleasing is just a way of getting attention from somebody.

    Back to that lack of self esteem. There is your real problem.
     
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  7. ThomasV

    ThomasV Fapstronaut

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    Okay I see, try to search in myself and see if it resonates with me. Thanks brother
     
  8. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

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    The universe (God) will never agree with you making someone else your source.

    Often these intense crushes with unavailable people are a sign of romance addiction. The roots of which are in intimacy avoidance. In other words, many people are afraid to be in a vulnerable/emotionally intimate position with others. They are therefore attracted to people that don’t want them back. It’s a way of feeling something without putting oneself in genuine emotional peril of a real relationship which always involves struggles.

    Doing some healing in this area and you may become more attracted to and attractive to emotionally available and healthy people.

    Good luck.
     
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  9. ThomasV

    ThomasV Fapstronaut

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    Cool perspective on it, I can find myself there. In the past I always chose the way of the least struggle. I'm working on it. I will try to digg a little deeper on it
     
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  10. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    It's only going to get worst if you don't change the way you think about her.

    I've been there man. I was persistent and always trying to improve myself for her. Hoping that one day she would change her mind. I needed her. I needed that specific outcome to happen. She was the answer to all my problems. If only I had her, my life would be amazing. There's nobody like her. My love for her makes me a better person. I'll go through any pain and sacrifice for her.

    That went on for a whole year lol. She didn't want to hurt my feelings. Let me down easy whenever I asked her out. She kept me around though. Other people didn't see why I wanted her so much. They all thought I could do better. I didn't listen though.

    Then I started to meet a lot of new women. Because I was so obsessed with the other woman, I didn't need these other women. It didn't matter if anything happened with these other women. I was being real with them. I expressed myself honestly. If I was interested in them, I would be mature and honest about it and give them the chance to meet me halfway. Giving them the freedom to choose and I was willing to walk away if they weren't interested. No games. I didn't see them as above me. I saw us as equals. I became an adult that accepts that not everything works out the way I want it to. All I can do is my best my meeting life and others halfway. It's up to them if they want to meet me there or not. I can't own or control them.

    I ended up having great relationships with a lot of new women. I saw that each individual can be just as amazing or more amazing in their own different ways. Being obsessed with that one woman made my world very small and made me very self centered. I wasn't able to see all the other opportunities that open up when one doesn't work out. These days I realize that she wasn't right for me and it wouldn't have worked out. We still keep in touch as friends. She's a lot more interested in me now than back when I was interested in her.

    So what you need to do is put yourself in a position where you're able to meet new women. To see that there's a lot of interesting women in many different ways. So that you can begin to experience a larger world rather than obsessing on one person that's unavailable to you. It will be hard because you don't know what will happen if you don't have her to obsess about anymore. You'll feel like your whole identity is being destroyed. It's a part of growing up.

    If a part of you thinks that there's still a chance with her, then you haven't matured enough or accepted reality yet. You gave her plenty of chances already. She isn't interested. Give her the courtesy of allowing her to live how she wants to.
     
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  11. ThomasV

    ThomasV Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the honest advice, it's time to move on for me. :)
     
  12. JesusGreen

    JesusGreen Fapstronaut

    Infatuation, or what we sometimes call a crush, is the thing that feels like a drug. I think genuine love is actually a choice you make, after you've known a person for some time. You allow yourself to fall in love with them. If you ask people who've been married for a long time about their relationships and how they made it work so long, they often choose similar wording to that. They say they chose to love them and keep loving them. Infatuation isn't like that, it just happens to you, and you can fall in and out of infatuation as fast as you can snap your fingers.

    The thing about infatuation is that it's very misleading. People often say love is blind, but it's quite the opposite. Love actually sees both the positive and negative in someone, and chooses to allow them a place in your heart. Infatuation instead puts you in this sort of "tunnel vision" mode where you literally can't see most of the flaws this other person has. You just see their positive qualities. You often think things like "she/he is the one". Or that it's "love at first sight". You can become needy/clingy. You can feel this need for validation from them and for them to like you that can almost be compared to an addict's need for a fix.

    Were you ever taught that phrase at school: "All medicines are drugs, but not all drugs are medicines"? I think something similar can be said about infatuation vs love. All (or most) love starts with infatuation, but not all infatuation leads to love. The two are not correlated together.

    When I feel infatuated with a girl I simply remind myself, it's just a chemical reaction in my brain, precisely like a drug like you said. It is temporary, and will eventually fade. It is not unique to this girl, and if I were to spend time with other girls, I would soon feel infatuated with someone else instead. I then override those temporary emotions and try to think rationally about my situation. If rationally I decide this person is a worthwhile person, and someone I would like to pursue, I will. However I'll never let it consume me, or beat myself up about it not working out, or allow myself to get clingy/needy.

    If I find myself feeling infatuated with someone to the point that it is affecting my ability to think rationally (i.e. I'm not acknowledging a person's flaws, or I'm being clingy, or I'm overly consumed with this one person and thoughts that "they're the one" when I barely even know them), then this is what I do: I spend time with other girls. That's all it takes really. Meet some new girls, spend some time with them. You'll find yourself feeling infatuation for one of them, and it's like a lightbulb going off in your head that makes you realise that you can and will have this same chemical reaction occur with any number of girls out there. You realise that it doesn't make them "the one" or anything special, and that you find out if someone is special through months/years of bonding and getting to know them, not from those butterflies you get in your stomach when you're crushing on them.

    Doing this prevents neediness and dependency on one person, which, aside from being unhealthy, also generally makes you act like a creep and lower your chances with the person you're crushing on anyway. So it's a good approach whether or not they end up being someone worth pursuing for real.
     
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  13. ThomasV

    ThomasV Fapstronaut

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    @JesusGreen you are totally right, I also read it in abook a while ago. But I'm just starting to understand it. Thanks for your insight I will keep your advice in mind
     
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  14. ThomasV

    ThomasV Fapstronaut

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    I have noticed that I compare myself a lot to other people women and men and that this causes a lot of unhapiness. This may also be a part of the problem of putting girls on a pedestal and myself lower then them and other guys. I will try to focus on unlearning this habit for the next 47 days. I will let you know if it changes anything.

    Keep it up!
    Thomas
     
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  15. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Recognize that's instinct talking. Also notice any fantasy around it. Fantasy is not necessarily elaborate, but an assumption about it being nice if you were in a relationship with her is already assuming a lot. There's a ton you may not know about her, when I look back at some of the even fairly recent crushes I see all this baggage and character issues about the persons I was blind to. Not that it's always negative stuff but just.. Well like they say love is blind.
     
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  16. sev94

    sev94 Fapstronaut

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    @ThomasV Thankyou for starting this thread mate. I'm in a similar situation as you and have been finding it difficult to function rationally over the past few days.
    Some of the answers in this thread are the words I really needed to hear, to finally move on.
    Thankyou everyone
     
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  17. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    When you put others on a pedestal it's not fair to you and not fair to them. Because you don't see them as real human beings with flaws and issues like everyone else. That's idolizing. When you idolize someone you see them on a very superficial level or romanticized way. Not for who they really are.

    A lot of people put themselves below others. Then they do all types of things to try to close that gap or they focus on people's flaws to try to place others below them. When you try to beat others via comparison you will end up like every other perfectionist that is running away from their insecurities. The same people that post picture perfect social media content.

    There's plenty of people with looks / money / materialism / status / achievements / etc. There's nobody with your exact combination of life circumstances, journey, and flaws. Focus on developing those things to become a real person. That's the only unique value you can ever give to others.

    It doesn't matter if you beat all the people in the world that you compare yourself to. You would have lived a life that you think others would like you for. You would also attract people that do the same thing. Then when some other person that has more than you in terms of those superficial things comes along... you become placed below others again by those types of people including yourself.

    There's nobody above or below others. No... that's not some sort of mindset trick to attract beautiful women. You won't truly believe it unless you learn the hard way I suppose.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2018
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  18. Travel man. Make lots of money and travel. You'll forget about her when u see the amount of beautiful women in other parts of the world. they will easily fall in love you just because your successful with money and from out of town. (If you can dress good and can make them laugh and be romantic). Post pictures all over social media with different women everywhere. I guarantee you when she sees the pics, she will want you. If by chance your not too busy with other women by then, you'll have her.
     
  19. Dracoterra

    Dracoterra Fapstronaut

    I'm gonna disagree here--not because going abroad or going on dates with a host of different girls is necessarily bad, but because it sort of goes against the whole idea of self-improvement. And honestly, I think the attitude above is unhealthy--it sort of makes it seem like the whole point of having women around is their sexual value. Women aren't objects, and you need to recognize their innate value as people first before you can truly enter into a relationship with them. Playing hard-to-get or emotional games is likely to backfire on you, since it obfuscates the true purpose of your interactions.

    You really shouldn't want someone to fall in love with your money, you should want them to fall in love with you. You want to be excited to spend time around them, and you want them to be excited to spend time around you. Otherwise, that affair is a disaster waiting to happen. Jealousy is perhaps one of the worst possible foundations for a relationship, so just keep that in mind.
     
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  20. ThomasV

    ThomasV Fapstronaut

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    We can do this brother!
     

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