QUESTION: Being intimate, while he's on reboot...thoughts?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jagliana, Feb 8, 2018.

Is it okay to be intimate with my husband while he is on the PM reboot?

  1. Yes

    5 vote(s)
  2. No

    2 vote(s)
  3. It's situational

    10 vote(s)
  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Hey all,

    So my husband is new to the reboot, to get our history/my story - please check out my journal. Long story short, I've caught him PM'ing / lying /denying way too many times. He's on his last leg with me, us; our marriage.

    After our latest D-Day, he joined this forum in the hopes of finally getting this addiction under control and to save our marriage. Our BIGGEST issue was his lying and dishonesty about it all. So, every night we've been having honest, raw one on one talks and I think it has really been helping us (so far.) Don't want to count my chickens, before they've hatched...

    So he says his trigger is purely M. Meaning he really just enjoys the act of M, but after a while just M'ing doesn't happen quick enough, so he resorts to P to get more stimulation, to release quicker. All the while, we have never had any issues in the bedroom department and have always active, so...................

    Do you guys think it's okay for us to continue to be intimate, since we both enjoy it or will this negatively impact his recovery process? he claims that he never confused/mixed the two, as to him they were always separate. He says he still loves me, finds me attractive and wants to be intimate and to be honest, as much hurt that I feel, I'm also still very attracted to him and still really enjoy "it" too.

    So, thoughts?
  2. There are different 'flavors' of reboots. No sex/orgasm falls under the 'hard mode' category and usually people try that route if they are either addicted to sex or orgasm and need to completely rewire their brains away from those behaviors, and to set their brains back to factory settings. There are also many couples that allow sex and intimate contact with each other within the confines of the reboot process. Ultimately it comes down to what your husband's goals are for his reboot, as well as the goals for you two as a couple.

    I guess I would say, keep going as you are and assess the changes in your relationship, if any. Maybe resort to hard mode if the current status quo isn't working? I personally would defer to the other married couples in your situation to see what their feelings are. I'm not really in the same boat as you, so I'm not sure how much direct advice I can give.
    Kenzi and Jagliana like this.
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    My husband said the same thing, that he didn't mix the two. That time was me was time with me and P was P. And he says that is why he used it as well, to make M go faster. He Med every day forever because he thought he needed it, and started adding P to that and the M ramped up to twice a day then. It was more routine for him than anything. Only saying all that to let you know where I am coming from with my answer. We abstained from sex and all physical contact really except for cuddling, which we tried to do daily. Then we brought in kissing/making out around 30 days into it and then slowly worked that up into sex again around day 45. I think this was really helpful for him/us because it just kept his mind something off sex all together.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Good idea, thank you :)

    Yep, sounds like my husband too, it became routine, both the PM and the lies/hiding. That's why I feel more betrayed by the lies, then anything else at the moment. Trust is huge with me and it has been destroyed. How were you able to hold out from sex?
  5. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yep, the lies are the worst and the trust was definitely destroyed. That has been, by far, the hardest part for me.

    Honestly, I was so upset/mad/hurt/disgusted by him that I didn't want to have sex with him at that point right after I found out about it all. I was crushed, destroyed, and I wanted distance from the physical part while I figured out what was happening. I wasn't even sure I wanted to stay with him. He didn't feel safe to me because of the betrayal and the lies, so I didn't want to be vulnerable and intimate with him. I need to feel safe in order to do that. So it probably wasn't as difficult for me as it sounds like it was for you, at least in those first few weeks.
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut


    The lying has broken me. I was / still am on the cusp of leaving - because I'm not going through this merry-go-round with him again: it's just exhausting, depressing and frustrating. (I.E: catch him > he lies > denies > I show him my proof > he reluctantly admits it > says sorry, won't happen anymore > I give him another chance > cycle starts again)

    As for sex, I don't know what it is, but when we are talking and we are both being vulnerable, it just happens. Maybe I am weak too I guess. However if it's something that will get in the way, I would have to have better control obviously.
  7. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    Hi @Jagliana - I haven't commented on your threads before, but I sympathize greatly with what you're going through...
    don't give this much weight. It may very well be true - but if it's not, there's very little chance he'd be able to be honest about it. just know a truthful answer is not possible and go on.

    this super awesome! I'm sure you've seen the threads about FANOS? maybe that's what you're doing. this is probably the single most important thing either of you can do. it gives you both opportunities to give the other what you've maybe been lacking: you can both show each other honesty, and emotions and feelings. it give you both a place to form empathy. and a launching place for showing acceptance, in spite of great hurt. it's a beautiful thing and you are fortunate to have a relationship where this can happen.

    have you discovered the journal of @ILoathePwife ?? if not I'm sure you'd relate and like her stuff

    that's a beautiful way for sex to start!!! it's not you being weak - it's you being a loving and connected partner!!! don't knock yourself over that. but that's a different question from is it helpful to long term recovery for both of you...

    so my personal thoughts on whether sex during reboot is good are that it depends :)
    (this isn't my situation, so I'm no expert here...) if your man is in a place where he thinks he "needs" sex - then IMO that needs to be dealt with. it might be that until he begins to deal with that, that it may be one less thing for him to deal with in recovery right now. no need to make his burden heavier, if you're ok with it. IMO though, eventually he needs to deal with why he thinks he "needs" sex or M. but maybe that comes later...
    Jagliana likes this.
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I have not heard of FANOS, I'll look it up with the search feature, is that an acronym for something?

    I have not, but will look her journal up as well, thank you!

    That's my biggest concern :-/

    I feel ashamed admitting this, but it actually happens mutually, he's not trying (to make me get in the mood to get sex) -- it just happens as well connect/talk and I am an equal party to that, I mean I don't stop it, because I am still in love and attracted to him. It's as if in the moment, I forget about all my pain and hurt and well... you know.

    But I just don't know if it's helping or hurting his recovery.
  9. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    that's absolutely beautiful!!! it's not something to be ashamed of!! cherish the fact that that corner of your heart is still soft and in love with your man. it's a beautiful gift -I hope he appreciates it.

    I forgot to mention karezza as well - karezza is a way of having sex but without climax for one or both. search here and google it. I know numerous couples on here have benefited from it. it's all about connection. at some level your man needs to rewire his brain to reconnect the dots of sex and emotional connection. porn is the opposite of that.

    HTH. best of luck :)
    Jagliana likes this.
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I will definitely look it up, thank you so much!
  11. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Links to all that stuff, FANOS, my journal and karezza in my signature. :) If you're on a phone turn sideways.
    EyesWideOpen and Jagliana like this.
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    THANK YOU!! makes it all so much easier! aha
  13. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    you're the best :)
  14. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    You've got good input here. I'd echo what Jen said, different couples make different choices. We chose hard mode, with FANOS and scheduled cuddling, and then found karezza. We tried it after about two weeks. I'd say that was a bit early but we made it. 30 days no O for me, 40 for him, then he tried again after a while and made it 90 days. It is possible and karezza was so amazing. Karezza is how I made it without O. Lots of sex just no O sounds awful but we found it to be amazing.
    Therion88 and Jagliana like this.
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for all of your input, so much to research :)
  16. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    No, don't say that! Everyone does this differently and you have to do what works for both of you. I think there isn't a straight forward answer on this, it is very individual depending on a lot of factors.
    Jagliana likes this.
  17. Rudramast

    Rudramast Fapstronaut

    If I may share a little bit of my story. I've been married 2 years with an amazing wife that knows about my addiction. And i'm really encouraged by you too, seeing that other women are taking this PMO problem seriously and helping their husband
    Loving my wife deeply and truly didn't stop me from lying/hiding when I was doing P&M. What most people don't realise, and sometimes even partners cannot mesure the great distress that it is in our life, it's that it is an addiction. A real addiction like cocaine.
    And our brains don't work right. I'm not saying this to excuse our behaviour, but to give you hope for your relationship.

    One day I asked my wife : "after years and month of battling this addiction, after all the lies and deceit you underwent, how can you love me anymore and still want to stay married to me". She answered "When we gave our vows during the wedding ceremony, I promised to stay loyal to you in health and sickness. I just wasn't expecting that sickness in our marriage will take the form of a Porn addiction in your life. But I'm determined to stay true to my promise" She also told me that it didn't matter how often I failed, PMOd and lied as far as we could always at one point have an honest talk when I could repent, confess and move on. And she had to see willingness in my life to move and get better.
    I'm christian and my wife is too. And after 2 years I can say God gave me a Godly wife. If I may share words from the Bible : In the Gospel books, Peter, one of Jesus's disciple asked Him :
    “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times ?" Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
    It was a way to say : don't count. Because much has been forgiven to you in your life
    It is almost impossible for us to have such a forgiving heart. It's truly Godly. And my wife is incredible for that. It was our honest moments of confessions and forgiveness that brought our souls together and strengthen our marriage. It is the hard times that built our marriage, far more than the good times.

    But I know that you suffer from it and will suffer more. And as long as your husband is willing to change for the better, even if he's acting like a child (because our brains are f*ucked up) and you have to watch him and keep an eye on him. I still have hope for both of you. And I pray for a divine strength and patience on you. I hope your husband can one day take strong action and open his whole heart to you
    Before Nofap, I was PMO 3x/week. now I only fall once every two month (12th nov and 4th feb) and my goal is to be free one day.

    Sorry for the long talk.
    Keep courage, you're being an amazing wife.
  18. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your input, I truly appreciate it. That's what I told him, relapses I can handle, but the lying is destroying the whole foundation of my marriage. Without trust, there is no marriage for me. It's the very foundation of a relationship to me. So I truly hope D-Day was a breaking point for him and he can continue to be raw and honest with me about all of this (11 days of truth so far!). I want to help him, but I don't want to kill myself in the process, my mental stress and physical stress have been taking really big hits with every lie. I also hate the person I become after, I get snappy with my kids for no reason, I am more irritable and it's just not who I want to be.
    Rudramast and TryingHard2Change like this.
  19. Rudramast

    Rudramast Fapstronaut

    It's true, and I'm sorry to see you suffering that way.
    Is there by any chance an accountability partner that your husband can have ? A man that could be a great role-model in his fight against PMO ? someone who can also challenge him into being more honest ?
    He might benefit from being mentored by someone who is far more advanced in the NoFap Challenge or even someone free from PMO. (I'm being mentored by a pastor in my church, but I also know that there is structures for non religious people, such as AA type of groups)
    That way, the burden can be lifted a little from your shoulders and you could feel relief from knowing a trusted person is mentoring and following your husband.

    Anyway, this is humble proposition for I can't possibly fully understand the trials you're going through.
    Be blessed,
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    He actually was reached out to, by a few NoFap members, to be his accountability partners - which I am happy about! :) they are further into the program than him, so it helps motivate him too.

    I really hope this new tool (NoFap) will be "it".
    Rudramast likes this.

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