question for Catholic men

If the person is busy or wen this is not a compulsive behaviour,then it can be used for little time.But it is impossible to use this without lust.Because of lust one watches it and not out of pure love.But with ur unending love and prayer u can change him,definitely.'Where there is a will there is a way'

 

Well, I can only speak from personal experience. I'm a young catholic man pursuing the priesthood. I've been struggling with PMO since I was 10. I've been all the way in (daily PMO) and had amazing periods when I've been free for months. Lately has been harder for me.

It's possible that that he's related the whole picture to you and that's exactly how deep your husband is in sin (no more no less). As you said, it's also possible he's trying to lessen the impact. I have no way of knowing. I think getting everything on the table asap is essential. You need to talk with him and ask him.

I think what's more important is to phrase this conversation within the bigger picture of your love. At your wedding you promised to love him unconditionally. If he's afraid that he can't tell you everything because he's endangering your marriage that means that the unconditionality of your love isn't being communicated to him, or that he hasn't grasped it fully. You have to tell him and demonstrate to him that you will love him no matter how deep in sin he is. You also have to mean it. I'm sure I have no idea how painful this is for you, or how hard this will be for you to say, but I believe it's the only way to get to a point of complete openness.

I also would make sure not to take this addiction personally. Porn is specifically tailored to give a kind of arousal that's just impossible in the real world. It's twisted and it's wrong and it's unnaturally enticing. This doesn't have to be some mistake on your part, or something you're not giving him. It's meant to give an unnatural release, and one that's enticing to just about anyone. Don't take this personally. This is just as much a supernatural battle as it is a natural one. He's fighting the spirit of lust.

I would say that yes, it is possible to use PMO and not lust after women in the real life - but only if you're actively struggling with both. Every man has lustful thoughts and is going to have lustful thoughts. Jesus had to have. Jesus got tempted too. And it's also possible to deal with some aspects of living chastely better then others. For me it's easier not to lust over a real person because I can see their humanity. I struggle with PMO because I'm fighting the spirit of lust - a real embodiment of sexuality without humanity. PMO is a harder challenge for me than not lusting over someone I meet.

I'll pray for you and your husband in my rosary today. Talk to me if I can be of any more support to either you or your husband. God bless you both. :]

 

I have a girlfriend and I know how difficult is to talk about my struggles. Sometimes I had some fears that I could relapse after being married and this can hurt my SO. I even told my girlfriend that if I relapse within first 3 months of being with her, she should break up (with God mercy I managed it). However she was disappointed and was crying, but I just wanted to honest with her.

Please don't leave him ALONE. Maybe he will even need personal therapist, because IMO it's easier find than good confessor. Or invite him on forum - there are some "weekly group meetings". I believe this can help.

He should decide in heart that there is no excuse for porn. Really NO EXCUSE. I believe that if man has really strong lusts and can't have sex, he should wait for "wet dream" - natural way of dealing with it.

 

I believe it is possible for some men to use porn for a few minutes a day and be done with it. I know that part of my addiction ties into a long history of depression, while not every man has that issue.

But that still doesn't make pornography okay. We are not meant to use women as objects of lust (see Matthew 5:28), and whether you use a woman quickly for a few moments or spend hours doing it really isn't the point. If your husband is using pornography, he is not truly forsaking all others for you. And if it only occupies a few minutes of each day, it shouldn't be that hard to give up.

The question he'll have to ask is whether he is really a Catholic or not. There is NOTHING in the constant teaching of the Catholic Church that could ever justify pornography or masturbation. If he is engaging in these things and not at least trying to break free of them, he is not practicing Catholicism.

 

Used19, I replied to your post in another forum a little while ago. You gave more details on this forum I'm guessing because your husband is Catholic. I'm learning deeper aspects of this pmo issue myself from what I've read here at NoFap. I especially grieve for you that you are going through such an emotionally trying time. I am very active in ministry since my adult conversion to Jesus and my commitment to follow him in every way, which happened a long time ago. Still, the one thing I haven't been able to shake up to this point is pmo.

You have every right to leave him because of his infidelity, but if you really love him I'm not sure it will reduce the agony and future repercussions of him being unfaithful. I believe, because of my own experience and what I have gleaned from my NoFap brothers and sisters that your husband is not revealing the frequency or extent of his involvement in porn, especially because he has been a very active Catholic and in his heart hates himself for his weakness in this area. The shame is extreme. I don't have any advice for you except to pray, be firm and brace yourself for future revelations of his acting out.

 

Please, please don't take this the wrong way, but don't let his mistakes define who he is. The moment we start defining people by their failures is the moment we stop loving them. The moment we start defining ourselves by our failures and not by the love of Jesus who transforms us is the moment we stop letting Jesus raise us up. I know that this hurts you deeply, and that it feels like your love is has been based on a lie. I hope you understand that I'm not defending him - this sin is wrong, he should have been more open about it with you, and his sin here has clearly affected the stability, safety, and sanctity of your family. But you have an opportunity here to love him even more deeply and make your family even stronger - because if you can love him even in his deepest darkest places, you can love him completely. The first step is that you have to resolve to love him. If you do so, you'll open yourself up to more hurt. But you'll also let your marriage continue.

As a couple other posters have mentioned, the key factor here is whether he's actively struggling with this. If you can resolve to love him unconditionally, even though it may feel like he's pushing you away, and if you let him know this, then you can get everything out on the table. If you can get everything on the table, you can hold him accountable. If you can hold him accountable, the two of you can struggle together and grow through this in the process.

Definitely, definitely, definitely do this. I self-exposed myself at the age of 10 out of curiosity. No more no less. I firmly believe that I would have had a better chance if things were made even more clear to me even younger. I think often times information about the dangers of porn and the like is handed out to 13-yr olds and older, because that's when they're going through puberty. That's too late.

 

I would recommend the following book for you, and perhaps look into some of the resources suggested by the couples in the book (some of whom started blogs or ministries). It might be helpful for your husband to read it as well, if you can get him to do so... most of the time, men simply don't understand how their pornography use makes their wives feel completely betrayed. And hopefully you can find helpful resources or groups to help support and facilitate your own healing in this...

Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust after Porn
https://www.amazon.com/Restored-Tru...rds=restored+matt+fradd&qid=1598838712&sr=8-1

 

used19
I want to share with you a grace I have received to eliminate pmo and any form of lust from my life. I have a 25 day streak going now. Of course contrasting that with the more than 60 years of pmo quiting and restarting 25 days doesn't seem like much time, but there is something unique about this method I am employing now.

I got the thought of immediate confession each time I pmo, or look at a woman with lust. This would be impossible for me if not for an insistent grace to confess immediately. The shame and guilt of confessing is so strong that I choose not to look a porn because the temporary relief or pleasure it brings isn't as powerful as the fear to confess immediately. It might be something you could try, but I think it will only work if your husband really wants to quit so bad he'll endure the suffering required for immediate confession.

God bless you.
You both are in my prayers.

 

I used to think you should tell your SO in order to be honest but I don’t really think so any more. It just makes them upset without doing anything to solve the problem. Wives are terrible accountability partners, they mean well but it’s just not a role to which they’re well suited IMO.

 

I have been married for 41 years. My wife and I are devout catholics and I love her dearly. I was first exposed to pornography when I was 12 years old. Lust is one of the devil's most persuasive snares for men; partly because we are visually stimulated. My wife confronted me on a few occasions over the years. Frankly, each time she confronted me it was a deeply, DEEPLY, humiliating experience. I cannot say that this level of humiliation was helpful. Rather, it made me consider suicide. However, over time I came to understand my actions were hurtful to her and that thought is one of the many reasons I have been working to control my urges. I can only advise love and patience towards your husband.

 

I think one of the most helpful things to me on this journey to rid my life of MO would be for my wife to express her unconditional love. To recognize I am trying to overcome this sin. God has unconditional love and He sees our efforts. This sexual addiction is my cross to bear and also her’s because in marriage we are one. I have found that going to adoration and giving all the impure images to Jesus, laying them at the foot of the cross was the best way to get them out of my head. He will take them. Realize that those images, your sins add weight and pain to His cross. Repent and promise to amend your life. Jesus is mercy itself. Jesus I trust in You!

 

Well said!

 

As you say, she is not God. Nevertheless we are called to love as God loves. As Catholic Christians, we have been given an amazing gift. The love of Christ and the teachings from people who studied and devoted their lives to God over the span of 2000 years. To whom much is given, much is expected. Addiction is a disease and as married people we committed to love one another is sickness and in health. Yes, its a tough deal but God did not promise us an easy life on earth. Mary, the mother of God, lived with the knowledge He would be tortured to death and she had to watch it happen. Why should we expect a better deal than the mother of God?

 

Have hope--everything is possible with God.

I can sense your pain used19. We are all sinners. Annulment recognizes that there was never a marriage covenant from start. A covenant is not a contract that can be canceled. An annulment does not end a marriage when one part has been grieved in some way or has lost their love for the other. Excommunication--that occurs when one chooses to publicly defy the church's teachings, not some action the church uses to punish an individual; rather an invitation to repentance, to change their ways and Holy Mother Church will welcome that soul back into communion with Joy.

You are correct used19, we have pulled our wives into our sin. That doesn't mean the SO has committed the sin nor are they at risk of the loss of Heaven like the one who committed the sin. Every sin affects someone else in some way. When we sin against the 6th commandment, we sin against God and our spouse. I don't expect my wife to be God. But I believe there should be unconditional love for your spouse and your children. Certainly, there need to be boundaries. When those boundaries are broken, we must again try to imitate Christ by forgiving and loving more. This is sometimes very hard to do especially when one has been injured so grievously.

Covenant always...neither spouse can undo what they have promised with each other and with God. Marriage is a reflection of the Trinity. Just as one cannot separate Father-Son-Holy Spirit, neither can we separate Husband-Wife-God. If one spouse can no longer be with the other spouse, for whatever reason, they have the ability to separate themself from the relationship physically but according to God's plan, the marriage covenant cannot be undone.

Take your pain to the altar and give it to Jesus during the sacrifice of the mass or at adoration.

Please do not condemn those of us who are struggling with this sin, trying to help others get to Heaven and also trying to help you with your healing. I will keep you and all families affected by addictions in my prayers.

Pax Christi