Question for parents of young men

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by LimitlessTman, Mar 28, 2016.

  1. LimitlessTman

    LimitlessTman Fapstronaut

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    In reading a journal of a young man, I noticed he mentioned that he started his Fap journey at the age of eleven. That struck a chord with me because my oldest son is 10. I don't want him going down the same road I have. If I were a recovering alcoholic, we would definitely have a conversation about the evils of alcohol. I feel that the same logic applies here. I am not one of the in the middle of his business dads, I respect his privacy. I did, however, inadvertantly find some videos of bikini clad women in the youtube history on an ipad. My question is when should I have the talk with him? Secondly, how should I approach it? I don't think giving him my sordid tale is the best idea. Not because I am afraid of his judgement, but because I fear he would lower his own standards with the "I guess dad did, maybe I can get away with it." Just interested in any feedback on the subject, whether you have kids or have dealt with the issue or not. Thanks.
     
  2. TonyMontana

    TonyMontana Fapstronaut

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    Great great question man. Listen might not be the perspective you're looking for but it's a perspective nonetheless. So I am 21. Started P at 13 and M just in january last year. I came up in a conservative christian home, I still practice my own faith. For me, it was mt biggest source of shame and guilt, and apart from the porn I was the best behaved golden boy in the majority of my school and anywhere else I looked. I excelled in sport, music, academics, etc. I felt like I had this fake outer appearance that everyone thought about me and to tarnish that with porn I thought I would be thrown out of home and left on the street. It would just crush my parents. I guess I had everything to lose. I have 2 younger sisters and I always felt like my parent's would value their well being over my own struggles. Porn was never discussed in my family. In fact you can imagine all forms of nudity or lewdness was always very quickly and harshly scrutinised. It continued to shut down any hope of me coming out with the truth about my addiction. To this day no one in my family knows. I just started to try get clean this year. As I've persevered to get clean, my one biggest wish is that my family had kept an open mind and an open discussion. I wish my parents had told me that I could talk to them about sex and porn.

    So my advice would be, be as open and honest as possible. I think with your worry of, well if I tell him that I did it then he will think it's ok, is incorrect. The mindset I take is, dude if you found those videos he's close to already going into porn. It's not a matter of if, its when! Not saying that's just your kid. That is every kid. I think every parent should take this view point. It's not a point of if, it's when, and when he does, everyone feels the same shame about porn. He will not think it's ok. It's just a matter of whether he feels it's ok to talk to you about it.

    TL;DR: Your kid will get into porn. That's ok. What's not ok is not supporting him through it.
     
  3. LimitlessTman

    LimitlessTman Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply. I too grew up in very conservative Christian home and agree, to this day, I would not be comfortable talking about anything of this nature with my father and or family. I also am more serious about my faith today than I was then. The guilt has chewed me up and derailed my relationship with God on many of occasions over the years, but I need to remember that he is a loving father. He knows and understands our struggle. His desire is to make us whole, not leave us broken and punished. I never MO'd till I was 19, partialy due to the fact that I believed that I would go to Hell for it. I obviously don't believe that anymore, but I think that "my soul is lost" feeling allowed me to regress into personal debauchery. It makes me very aware of how I don't want to approach my son. I appreciate your input and sharing of personal experience. I want to have an open dialogue. I believe that it is possible to complete avoid this pitfall on the road of life. I would do anything to spare him the potential anguish in the dark that comes with this hook. If he falls, I want him to be able to pick up the pieces and avoid getting hooked to the degree I was. My latest relapse made me realize that I can't relinquish control myself for even one peek.
     
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  4. UpendiT

    UpendiT Fapstronaut

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    I got addicted to MO at age 4 or 5 and it completely screwed my life up.

    My parents never talked about sex and pretended it didn't exist, so the fact that I was already sexual left me completely confused and believing I was evil or something. Naturally, I got hooked on P when I found P magazines in the attic at 14, which later progressed to internet P. I developed ED extremely fast and early, likely because I was already a MO addict. I've had serious ED since 14 and ED even with P since 16. I'm almost 25. Never been on a date, never kissed a girl. Maybe never will. I've considered suicide a lot, but ultimately can't do that to my family.

    I suppose my point is... whatever embarrassment you or he may feel about talking about the subject is nothing compared to how negatively not talking about this can effect his life. It's funny you said that you thought MO would send you to hell; I thought the same. And it did. This is hell.
     
  5. LimitlessTman

    LimitlessTman Fapstronaut

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    Your point that MO did send you to hell reminded me of an old wives tale. They used to say that MO would cause you to go insane. Many of times I have had the thought maybe they were right. PMO addiction is insanity. Thanks for the feedback. Stay strong and seek professional help for your suicidal thoughts. My wife's family has a long history of Depression and it is something we(every member of my wife's immediate and extended family) deal with on almost daily basis. So when people hope there kids are smart, athletic, talented, I can honestly say my only hope is that they are happy. I understand that true depression most likely comes from a chemical imbalance, but I also believe that we can create an environment that is will encourage healthy thoughts. I definitely believe that any addiction such as this one messes with our brain chemistry. Getting victory over your PMO can only serve to help your mental health. Stay involved and stay connected. I borrowed the quote in my signature form another fapstronaut, but I'm sure he doesn't mind. It comes from a Youtube video about the cause of addiction. In short the point is we choose destructive behaviors because of our lack of connection in this modern world. I am becoming very aware of that need.
     
  6. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    My boyfriend is recovering from PMO. Recently I found history on my son's laptop of him watching porn. He is 14.
    We both sat him down and had a hour long talk and my boyfriend disclosed his addiction and how it effected him and me.
    He didn't go into gory details but he told enough. At first my son was embarrassed but soon he was asking questions.
    We installed blockers on his devices and I gave him my boyfriend's book, Your brain on porn.
    Reach out to him. It might keep him out of this mess. If it doesn't, then maybe he will recall your conversations and stop or come to you for advice.
     
  7. LimitlessTman

    LimitlessTman Fapstronaut

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    Here is another quote from the same youtube video. I think it fits well.
    "...maybe we shouldn't even call it addiction. Maybe we should call it bonding. Human beings have a natural and innate need to bond, and when we're happy and healthy, we'll bond and connect with each other, but if you can't do that, because you're traumatized or isolated or beaten down by life, you will bond with something that will give you some sense of relief. Now, that might be gambling, that might be pornography, that might be cocaine, that might be cannabis, but you will bond and connect with something because that's our nature. That's what we want as human beings."
    From a TED Talk inspirational video
     
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  8. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Makes sense!
     
  9. Hey,Just an alternate opinion:
    Try to make him more aware and present in every situation.Tell the importance of being mindful and fully aware.If he can practice that,he'll soon find out himself that Porn(after watching it) is destructive to his life.This would be much better than you forcing him to do anything. You see,our problem was that we found out very late that PMO was bad for us.Now we have found this,only our reconditioning of mind is left,which takes all our efforts.If he soon finds out,after watching it 2-3 times that pmo is destructive,he'll not have to face this havoc of reprogramming the brain and all other stuff.
    :) good luck!
     
    LimitlessTman likes this.
  10. Still Trying

    Still Trying Fapstronaut

    I'm interested in seeing more opinions on this matter. I actually came here to start a thread out of concern for my teenage son. I saw his search history about 6 months ago or so and had to have a talk with him. I told him that it was normal to be curious and to want to look at things. I also warned him that p can become addictive just like drugs and alcohol. He cooled it for awhile and as I monitored his search history, I saw sporadic searches come up. Nothing to be alarmed about. We got him an iPhone for Christmas. All was fine at first, but then I started to notice him looking more and more frequently at p. I started having our router go through OpenDNS and put on all of the p filters. Its great except that you can still do image searches and the p doesn't get blocked. I've reminded him a couple of times that I can see what he's looking at on the web. In the past couple of weeks, his p use has escalated. He spends a ton of time in is room or the bathroom and I can see 70-80 p sites per day getting blocked by OpenDNS.

    I'm wondering what to do. I was thinking of telling him a little about my struggles. Or I was thinking of just showing him this forum, the NoFap website, YBOP, etc. I don't want to make him feel bad or make him feel like there's something wrong with him, but I'm very concerned about him becoming addicted. Especially, starting with this internet p. Me, I started with magazines. My addiction is bad, but I believe its much worse when you get hooked right away on internet stuff.

    Sorry to hijack the thread. I feel like this is related though. Please keep this conversation going.
     
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  11. TonyMontana

    TonyMontana Fapstronaut

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    LimitlessTman, to answer your original two questions, when and how, I think that in most cases the kids are always one step ahead of you. I think it's better to jump the gun and be early than to be too late. Especially if you say you want him to avoid P altogether. So I would suggest sitting him down at the next most convenient time. How? I would say, don't make it a school presentation. Don't give basic definitions and just say its bad. Make it as personal as possible. Tell him exactly how P had affected your life. Maybe show him or tell him some more stories from Nofap also. Leave out the gruesome details however. Don't say what you saw. And as for being a respect-for-privacy parent. I think you may have to re-evaluate that approach. Especially if you want him to avoid it altogether or minimize it as much as possible. That will require you to be extremely diligent. It means following up every avenue, internet searches, youtube, twitter, periscope, instagram, facebook, snapchat and it means a lot of open communication. Good Luck Tman
     
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  12. BobDobbs

    BobDobbs Fapstronaut

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    Ugh, this just makes me think of my relationship with my own father. He started giving me magazines when I was 13 or 14, first a few at a time, then on weekends I'd have access to his whole stash, and then at 17 he gave the entire collection to me.

    So you're already doing way better than he did. Of course, this was before the internet.

    Your son is very young, and it's not even legal for him to look at porn yet. But maybe by time he is 18, he'll be aware enough of the angles related to it so that even if he does use porn, he won't develop the addiction to it. I know you would rather he just NOT use porn at all, but if that's unrealistic, then maybe he can avoid being destroyed by it. Most people do not understand the destructive potential of a heavy PMO habit unless it seriously affects their life for years. Just like alcohol, a lot of people use porn without a problem, but also like alcohol, a lot of people have problems they don't even recognize. Being aware of the potential for serious problems is the first step in heading off those problems.
     
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  13. Anchovie

    Anchovie Fapstronaut

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    This is a very interesting discussion. I'm married with a two year old son, I imagine I'll need to figure out how to talk to my son about pornography once he develops his sexuality. I definitely believe being completely honest and open will have the greatest impact, and you'll be able to give your son access to some of the resources that are helping you manage this addiction. I'm in my 30s, and I only recently determined that my pornography habits were getting out of hand and started reading up on this site. As a result, I decided to give up PM. It wasn't severely effecting my marriage (my wife doesn't care if I look at porn, but she's really not interested in it herself) so I haven't talked to my wife about it, believing that I can kick the bad habits without her needing to know (since I don't think she really wants to know anyway!).

    With that said, this discussion is making me re-think telling my wife about my experience. Having her know what I struggled with would be helpful when we need to explain the addictive nature of porn and strategies on how to combat the urge to consume it. However, for me, it never got to a point where my wife needed to intervene, and I think that's incredibly lucky, in a way. During a period of personal self-improvement, I realized that my habits were wasting a lot of valuable time and subtly changing my personality. That self-awareness lead me to this website and pushed me to do my best to give up P and M. I think it's lucky because I came to the decision myself, nobody made it for me, and I believe that makes this journey far easier to accept and to execute successfully (so far, anyway). My belief is that, sometimes, I have to come to these conclusions myself. I don't believe in putting up content blockers and censoring the internet for my son unless he requests that those be installed. My hope is that discussion, education and his own self-awareness and desires to do things other than consume pornography will be enough drive to keep him from this addiction.

    I don't know if this is the right path, but that seems to be parenting so far. Some things work and some things don't!

    Good luck, I look forward to reading other people's take on this.
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2016
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  14. BobDobbs

    BobDobbs Fapstronaut

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    How long have you gone without porn right now?

    There are a few things you might want to weigh when considering whether to tell your wife.

    1. How heavy a user were you? You said it took up a lot of time. Are you suddenly going to be spending more time with your wife, or was it mostly when she wasn't around? Do you have something else to fill that time with?

    2. How is your sex life with her? NoFap might change your sex drive, either raise it or lower it, depending on the part of reboot you are in.

    3. You said it was subtly changing your personality. In what way, and will your wife notice that? Withdrawal might make you irritable or depressed at first.
     
  15. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    I think the best thing you can do is talk about it. Do not allow it to be the taboo we make it, that is often the biggest hurt toward the movement. Porn is not healthy, sex is good. Depending on your religious beliefs, sex is good within the confines of marriage. However, at age 10 - I feel as if your child has already been exposed to it numerous times, and could possibly be regularly seeking it out and fapping. Some kids as early as the age of 6 are consuming porn now, intentionally. That being said, one psychologist that I know found out his teen son was watching porn. Here is what he did:

    First, he confronted his kid. He made it clear this was not acceptable, and that he would help him through it. He set guidelines to help the child, and for a while the child had to sleep on the couch. Now, I don't necessarily agree with that, but the parent is a professional addictions psychologist, so perhaps there is merit. He didn't want his son to be tempted. The most impacting the he did for his son was 1-2 times a month he would say common, were going for a drive. They would get in the car, son in the back seat, and drive around town in private, just the two of them. He would be blunt. So you watching porn? When was the last time? What are you watching? Is it shemales, etc. He WOULD BE DIRECT AND BLUNT to his son. Needless to say, the son was petrified. Its a taboo, so people don't want to talk about it, but talking and awareness of it is exactly what needs to happen. After a few months of going through this, the son was able to break it. He had stopped consuming porn. He had stopped masturbating. Why? The biggest thing that was attributed to it was the car rides. EVERY MONTH he did this. His son would respond "Dad!!!" etc, he wasn't happy about the questions. But the Dad didn't care, because it was in his sons best interest that the stigma of porn is a taboo that we can't do and shifting it to porn is harmful.

    I don't have kids myself, but this has been the most effective and best sounding way to address it. Hope this is helpful. Talk to your child, be blunt. Share the effects, what it does, why its bad. Avoid at all costs "don't do porn, its bad" and nothing else. If I tell you not to eat a cookie, but not why you shouldn't eat the cookie, especially if you have tasted it YOU WILL BE MUCH MORE TEMPTED.

    Best of luck! Let us know what you end up doing.
     
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  16. Anchovie

    Anchovie Fapstronaut

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    The place I work for allowed me to work from home full time, which was a bit of a double edged sword, as you can imagine. Pornography consumption was becoming a daily habit, where my heaviest use in a day would probably span a few hours. But that was actually relatively uncommon.

    My wife also works, so any use would typically happen while she was working. She has zero interest in pornography, we tried watching some together, but it just isn't something that she's interested in. I don't think she knows about my consumption of pornography, but even if she did, I don't believe she would mind all that much. On occasion, in the past, she's even told me to "take care of myself" when she wasn't in the mood. I would very very rarely PM over the weekend, since I'd be spending time with my wife and kid. I don't personally believe my addiction or case to be that severe. More on that in the answer to the next question.

    Well, there was an appreciable (and understandable) dip in the amount of sex right after my son was born. Makes sense, childbirth is no picnic. When my son was approximately 18 months old, both my wife and I were pretty exhausted from taking care of a kid and I was starting to feel pretty neglected. My amount of PMO was increasing and sex was like once a month, if that. My wife is great, though, so I talked it through with her and she agreed to pay more attention to our relationship. It sounds selfish, but I was trying a lot of different stuff to keep our relationship strong and I was becoming more frustrated and irritable when nothing was working. It was kind of a vicious cycle, because of the frustration, my use of PMO as an escape was increasing. Anyway, you get the picture.

    After talking it out, my wife actually did a fantastic job focusing on our relationship and the amount of sex I was getting was really good for a little while. Since, it has balanced out really nicely, actually, and our relationship is relatively solid. Quite honestly, I've always had a stronger libido than she did, and that's still the case. As odd as it sounds, I would almost welcome a lower sex drive so I could focus on things other than sex more often.

    The quality of sex isn't bad. Sometimes it's more satisfying on an emotional level and sometimes more on a physical and primal level, and sometimes (rarely), it's just sex and a need for physical release and isn't all that satisfying. I have noticed that I sometimes last longer than I used to now, so I guess you could say, if I were having any issues, it would be with premature release rather than any sort of ED, but I wouldn't even say that I'm having any problems.

    At the height of my use of PMO, I was very short tempered and irritable and seldom happy. When I was younger, I was way more patient, calm, serene and put together. I was also generally happier. The change happened over many many years and was gradual with many factors to account for. I've known my wife for over 10 years, went through school, had several different jobs, got married, bought a house, had a kid and generally accepted increasing amounts of responsibility. PMO and other addictions (video games, the internet) were used as temporary escapes from the responsibility. With all those factors in play, it's not like my wife would jump to my use of pornography as the explanation for increased or decreased irritability. In any case, she's never really looked that closely, so I don't think she would stumble across evidence of my dirty habit. Actually, she's more likely to stumble across evidence of posts made to NoFap than she is evidence of my use of pornography, how's that for irony?

    Anyway, I think that because my habit wasn't so bad, so far I've mainly noticed being happier and more focused, rather than irritable and depressed. Some days are really hard, I definitely feel a chaser effect after sex and get that flood of hormones. I work from home and my job requires that I'm on the internet. I haven't installed any blockers and I've managed to refrain from masturbation for over 30 days. I would say that's the same for pornography, however, in the interest of full disclosure, I did watch a comedy video featuring censored porn stars while comedians fed them silly lines (it was actually pretty funny). That's probably been the biggest slip up in the last month and I personally don't count it against my streak.
     
  17. RealLifeGamer

    RealLifeGamer Fapstronaut

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    "Son I have to talk with you about something. It´s a serious talk between men".

    "Ugh, what is it dad, did I do something wrong?"

    "No not at all, but it is something important, and I believe you are responsible and mature enough to heed my advice"

    "Yeah so what is it about?"

    " Listen well, as you know already, there are differences between men and women and at a certain age, they feel physically attracted to each other and want to express their feelings with their bodies"

    "Ookayy"

    " There are people who make a living with this, either with magazines, videos or something else completely. You have to know, that humans are not made to be exposed to this things. if you watch it a few times it will not do you any bad. But you always need to remember that these things are posion. It will make you weak and unhappy. Unfortunately I had not enough luck, to have someone tell me how terrible of a thing this videos, pictures and magazines are. "

    "....."

    "Honestly you can do with it what you want, but because you are my precious son and I love you, and because I want to trust you and believe that you are mature enough, I told you these things"

    "... Thank you dad, I.. I will remember what you said.. I promise"

    "I trust you son, and i am proud of you no matter what happens"
     
  18. Anchovie

    Anchovie Fapstronaut

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    Nice work, sir. This is really good
     
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  19. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    I hate to say this, but I would encourage @LimitlessTman to not follow this. You cannot sum a conversation up of this degree in that short of a post. Telling your child that they can do what you want is a terrible idea. "Sure son, go head and do meth because you are my precious son and I love you." It's ridiculous. It will take time, a good heartfelt conversation, and you being prepared to have an awkward conversation.
     
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  20. RealLifeGamer

    RealLifeGamer Fapstronaut

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    It is called reverse psychology. The "do what you want" I wrote is related to pornogarfic content, not the whole life. If the child wants to you, can struggle how you want you can´t prevent your kid from looking at it one day, one way or another.By forbidding something you just make it more attractive. LimitlessTman may do what makes him happy, what I wrote was just an example, giving pointers if you want to call it like that, so it´s only logical that a conversation in reality wouldn´t look excactly the same.
     
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