Question for the ladies: how do you feel about guys masturbating in moderation? (w/o porn)

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Aaron_0, Feb 18, 2016.

In what situation is it alright for men to masturbate? (without porn)

  1. It is always alright, provided it doesn't affect his normal sexual function

    12 vote(s)
    26.1%
  2. It is alright if he's horny, but she's unavailable (on vacation, tired, etc.)

    4 vote(s)
    8.7%
  3. It's alright only in a completely sexless relationship

    3 vote(s)
    6.5%
  4. It's alright only if he is single

    3 vote(s)
    6.5%
  5. It's never ok.

    24 vote(s)
    52.2%
  1. Loverofwife

    Loverofwife Fapstronaut

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    As a male, I haven't voted off-course, but here's my two cents:
    I don't think M is good for anything. That said, I don't see it as inherently wrong or a sin either. The physical action in itself is not sin. It's also hard to argue against it, even as a christian, since the bible never even mentions M explicitly. But I will say this: M is a gateway to sexual fantasy which leads to PMO. For me it all started with M. What's more, it came from a twisted thinking about sex which also affected the way a looked at my wife. Satisfying myself sexually on a consistent basis kept the mindset of self-gratification increasing, while it has always decreased with the decrease of M and PMO, and subsequently the quality of sex with the wife has increased. I've come to the conclusion that M isn't good for anything.
    You can imagine the PMO addiction as a monster in your cellar. The more you give it, the more it grows and growls and intimidates you, controls you. The less you feed, the more it starves and weakens. I've found that the best way of silencing him is not just quitting P and M, but quitting all kinds of sexual self-gratification. I want my sexuality to be manifested in unselfish love towards my wife. I want to eradicate selfish sex from my life. For me, that means never M'ing again, never fantasising, never even watching anything that comes close to a p-sub. It's waaaaay better than the "always lurking on the edge of what is ok".
    When you doubt if a certain kind of behaviour is right or wrong, it's most likely wrong. F.ex, you decide to click on a story about a female celebrity. Afterwards you wonder for what reason you clicked the story. Was it innocent curiosity, or something else? Just cut that out. Stop it. You don't need to.
    For me, M is just that kind of boundary behaviour. I could do it in an "innocent" way, but sooner or later I will find myself in a place where I wonder if my motives for doing it where right, and then it's already wrong. It will lead to the downward spiral of sex-addiction. I don't wanna go there. So for me, there will be no M ever again. It's no great loss really. There are thousand of other fullfilling activity, and besides, I have my wonderful wife who I want to reserve my sexual energy for. And I want my love-making to be totally free of the P-mindset, the mindset of self-gratification. To cite @ronswanson: I don't want to have sex with her, I want to make love with her.
    And M doesn't help me with that.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2016
  2. @Aaron_0 I adore your brain! The way you think is fascinating. You would have made a good psych major. ;)
     
  3. Selfdiscovery

    Selfdiscovery Fapstronaut

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    Well said and understood.I agree with this too!
     
  4. Aaron_0

    Aaron_0 Fapstronaut

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    God forbid! :eek:

    As a linguistics guy, I have a bone to pick with the academic discipline of psychology. See, linguistics is the branch of humanities that is almost down to a science. Psychology is the branch of humanities that somehow tricked it's way into the the science faculty! :D

    The two disciplines actually deal with a lot of the same concepts, just for different reasons.
     
    Anona likes this.
  5. Hm... well I was a psych major, so I have to respectfully disagree. lol but to each his own!
     
  6. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I was a history major!

    ...I'll go back to my corner now. ;)
     
    Sursum Corda and The Eleven like this.
  7. No way! Both my APs?? How on earth did I manage that? lol yoyo was a history major too.
     
  8. wildwood

    wildwood Fapstronaut

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    I was a Biological and cultural anthropology in sex studies major Woooop :D
     
  9. Aaron_0

    Aaron_0 Fapstronaut

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    I didn't actually major in linguistics. My B.Div was in Bible and Theology with a focus in Biblical languages, and my MA was in Bible and the Ancient Near East (sort of a history/literature degree), but studying that stuff properly involves a fair amount of exposure to linguistics.

    (and I'm under no delusion that historiography is any kind of scientific endeavor... but linguistics... well, it's getting there)
     
    TakingTheSteps likes this.
  10. SheShallBeCalledWoman

    SheShallBeCalledWoman Fapstronaut

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    Aaron, I'm curious as to what kind of job you got with that degree.
     
  11. Aaron_0

    Aaron_0 Fapstronaut

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    @SheShallBeCalledWoman Retail :cool:

    I'm also a private Hebrew teacher, and I've been trying to set up a business for that, but it isn't going very well. I'm in the process of getting some technical certifications so I can get on a career path that leads to financial independence.
     
  12. Shanne99

    Shanne99 Fapstronaut

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    "male masturbation does seem to be much more frequent than female masturbation." Hahaha are you sure on this one? How many SO's of porn addicts have you talked to about their masturbatory frequency! lol
     
  13. CallmeCat

    CallmeCat Fapstronaut

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    That was so well put. And also the fact that you can see problems with fantasizing and literature and other things should be a eye opener to other struggling men. Realising all the pitfalls around you and trying to avoid them I am sure is hard bit man of high value cN overcome them.
     
  14. 70DegreesNorth

    70DegreesNorth Fapstronaut

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    I didn't vote cos I didn't think my answer fit neatly into one box but here's my opinion for what it's worth.

    It's his choice. He's got to figure out what is right for his head and body. I can't tell him what that is.

    However, I would feel uncomfortable if he lied about it or if he was consistently passing up opportunities to have sex yet still jerking off.
     
    oversexedsami likes this.
  15. Jeeaton86

    Jeeaton86 New Fapstronaut

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    I an sex starving my wife.. I hate myself
     
  16. 70DegreesNorth

    70DegreesNorth Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear that. If the reason is a addition to porn being on this site means you're on the road to recovery so hang in there. :) Don't hate yourself, mate. Recovery takes time.

    You can always be extra cuddly with her, all the oxytocin gentle cuddling releases helps ease any sexual frustration she might be feeling.
     
    freedomwarrior and wj2727 like this.
  17. Beth

    Beth Fapstronaut

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    Can relate to this !
     
    TheWife and wj2727 like this.
  18. Dr.NoFap

    Dr.NoFap Fapstronaut

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    PMO in moderation is like smoking in moderation... IT'S STILL BAD.
     
    wj2727 likes this.
  19. Jilloy

    Jilloy Guest

    Honestly I think saying "it´s never okay" isn´t okay. Men are inherently different from women, physically. Having a testosterone loaded body isn´t as easy as you ladies may think. Of course it´s okay if a man has the willpower to not masturbate - it´s perfectly fine. And if he masturbates moderately - it´s fine too.

    It becomes a problem if he watches P. Masturbation then becomes compulsive, perverted and detrimental.

    Just mechanical masturbation is perfectly fine and healthy.

    In sexual stuff you have to differentiate between men and women. Certain women may want to hug a lot, or talk a lot or or have a desire to bond emotionally very much and certain men may have the need to M. Either is fine and good.

    Of course this doesn´t justify compulsive, addictive behaviour, we are talking about moderation here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 15, 2016
    wj2727 likes this.
  20. Strugglesaurus

    Strugglesaurus Fapstronaut

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    I voted 'never okay'.

    In the context of my own unique life experience, I am a PMO addict engaged to a PMO addict. M is not something we will ever be able to do 'in moderation'. Like wildwood said so long ago, it is a gateway for those of us who found solace here. You can kid yourselves as often as you like, yet the data speaks for itself. In my 2 years on these forums, I have never seen any sort of plan including M end up going as planned. It's wishful thinking. That's akin to an alcoholic quitting hard liquor but still drinking beer or wine a few times a week. It's still affecting those very same brain pathways that your addiction carved into your brain; it will go against recovery and eventually lead back to the addiction.

    In a general sense: after finding Nofap and rekindling my relationship with my SO, I have formed a moral standpoint regarding M, P, MO, PMO, edging, P-subs, fantasizing, ogling, etc. I'm not religious in any way and never have been. In the vein of relationships, it's getting sexual satisfaction and pleasure outside of the relationship. That is wrong to me. I think sex should be reserved for your partner. It's much more satisfying and fosters more closeness knowing you have been waiting for your partner as they have been waiting for you. Your partner should be your only outlet, in my view.

    As for being single... if I were single I wouldn't M either. Outside of the fact that I'm a PMO addict and it would surely lead back to my addiction, I believe giving in to primal urges and desires is beneath me and the person I want to be. As someone said before me, there are so many other fulfilling and life-enriching activities out there. I have self control. I don't spend copious amounts of money just because I have an urge to buy a new tv. I don't go out and get a pint of icecream just because I'm craving sweets. I don't MO just because I'm feeling sexually frustrated.

    The key to self control is being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Not every uncomfortable situation or problem needs to be solved. Sexual energy can be an amazing creative outlet and fuel for daily life. We're so used to squashing any feelings of sexuality immediately with MO or PMO. Why not embrace it?

    I choose to control myself for the future me. I want to ultimately be the one in control of my brain and body. I want to think and behave logically. M, to me, is not logical. It is impulsive and a desire manifested from a carnal instinct. We are much too far into evolution to spout reasons of 'biology' or 'instinct' to justify distasteful behavior.

    Most people who are against M probably do not want to speak up about it on this thread because the majority of posters think it's acceptable (i.e. conflict of views, fear of judgement). Also, every time I venture into the rest of the forum, I see an overwhelming number of members agreeing with masturbation or trying to justify it. Only a few argue against it.

    I think the most important thing to take away from this conversation is, single or not, we are all addicts. For addicts, moderation does not and will never work. Total abstention is the way to go. Let's stop thinking we're a special case and can handle it. That's your addict piping up.
     

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