Question for women about lack of performance from their SO and feelings it can trigger.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MeTP, Jun 5, 2021.

  1. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    Dear female friends, I wanna ask about extent to which lack of intimacy and so called desire toward woman can trigger internal feeling of not being wanted, insecurities etc.

    I was in a relationship during which I was flatlining and my ex-gf wasn't informed about that fact because I was unaware that I'm flatlining.
    So despite that I wanted to touch and make out with her so badly, I hadn't drive due to flatline but also my own unrecognized internal insecurities.

    She never told me anything about feeling of being non-desirable or feeling of being inattractive. But I got information from another person (that is in close and trusted relationship to her) that she called me as the first guy that didn't tried to 'get into her pants'. And she was 10/10 to measure her, which I hate this kind of measurement and don't want to simplify person to numbers.

    During breakup much frustration came from her about sexual things indirectly. I wonder if this can be due to internal insecurities and lack of feeling not appreciated due to unfulfilled sexual intimacy that she probably expected from me.
    Just cuddling, kissing and much interest from me but nothing more.
    How girls would you feel ?

    I kindly thank you for your opinion. I'm asking post factum but I need to know which things not to repeat in future.
     
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  2. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I know for some women, the lack of "performance" from a man is taken as a lack of something on their part rather than anything being wrong with the man.

    I also know through my women friends over the years that they were taught that men get aroused by women they find attractive, so lack thereof means the man doesn't find them attractive and any touching, kissing, etc is only out of pity for the woman.

    Basically it is taken personal to the women. I know not all women feel this way and I'm only speaking for the small subset of women I've known over the years.

    During times when my husband couldn't perform when he was addicted, I took it personal. I was still chubby after giving birth to our daughter and nursing her, so I thought he just didn't find me attractive anymore. It made it worse when he had to close his eyes to try and get aroused because I knew he had to think of someone else for it to happen. This was before I knew he watched P. Now that I know about his addiction and the problems that come with it, I understand that it was his issue, not mine, and it was porn he had to think about in order to get aroused.

    I would say that in the future, it would be best to be upfront in a way. If you're just getting to know someone and don't want to disclose the addiction or recovery just yet, telling her that you're abstaining for health reasons, which wouldn't be entirely incorrect, would be the best way to prevent making her feel insecure about the sexual relationship.
     
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  3. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    Damn, it make perfect sense, considering her bitterness toward me.
    Thank you for confirmation, it mean a lot lot to me that I can finally figure out point in relationship that can be so destructive.
    I was totally unaware back then, and during breakup I felt hurt by her making fun of my poor performance and sexuality, suffering also from not being able to just figure out what's the origin of her frustration and insecurity.
    Damn this inexperience with woman. I have to swallow the tough and bitter pill now.

    Stupid cultural brainwashing. :mad:
     
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  4. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    she failed to communicate this to you, that is on her.

    She wanted sex.. you didn't gave that to her so she moved on. She was probaly really into you and wanted you "inside her" too (beside spending time together) but you never had sex with her so she started to be turned off by the fact that you didn't do anything to her. People bond more true sex, if she wants it and is not having it then she is going to leave eventually if she knows she have other options.

    Of course she is not going to feel desired, every person what to be desired by his partner and want to desire his/her partner. This can brig a lot of insecurities to certain people and also is a good reason to feel the relationship is not complete and that they can do better with other guys.

    There are woman that are not into sex and this wouldn't be an issue.. but most woman that are into his man want his attention all the time and also have sex with them. If you are not doing it then she is going to recent it and is not going to end well. Remeber.. if you are in a commited and exclusive relationship then this woman is only allowed to have sex with you, but you are not having sex with her.. so don't you think she is going to prefer to keep that special place in her life for a guy that not only is a good boyfriend but also a guy that f*k her brains out in bed?

    If you are not able to performe in bed the you really need to fix it before starting a new relationship. Share with your new partner your hapiness, not your problems.
     
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  5. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    This is projection. If she felt the problem was her, she was trying to find a way to blame you so it didn't hurt her self-esteem. I would fathom it hit her on a pretty deep level for her to turn it around like this and it sounds as though she has issues herself that she needs to work on. A relationship with her may have been a fairly rough one since she didn't take the time to understand you or the problem. It could have been due to past stuff on her end that triggered it. But since you mentioned that she told others that you were the first guy that didn't try and "get in her pants" it may have made her question all sorts of things about herself such as her looks, her body, etc so it may not have been the past that created anything on her end. No one really knows for sure, but in the end, getting away from it was probably best for you for numerous reasons.

    Keep the communication open and be honest is the best advice I can give when it comes to future relationships. If you decide to settle down with someone, it would be in your best interest to inform her about your addiction and recovery process. If she finds out on her own and she sees it the way we see it, it will be bad for both parties involved.
     
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  6. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    Thanks to both of you kindly for your insights. I have to extract wisdom and learn from this now.
     
  7. Bloody Mary

    Bloody Mary Fapstronaut

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    especially if you are attracted to others, more or less real they are. She didn't tell you in words, but in deeds. She didn't feel complete with you. I believe this feeling pervades all SOs.
    my advice is to cure your addiction and then find someone to love.
     
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  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Did you ever ask her?
     
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  9. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    About what?
     
  10. finite

    finite Fapstronaut

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    I know that for me, unspoken avoidance is the worst kind of rejection. It feels piercing, like words aren't involved because the sentiment speaks for itself - "not interested anymore."

    Particularly, if she was used to attention, then it was expected, but also with real desire for it from you and not anybody else, though she knew she had her pick of others. She chose you and wants to feel equally special to you.....but that was a deep insult that was not constructed by words and thus your genuine feeling of sexual disinterest, from her perspective.

    It's unfortunate that most women seek this sort of external validation from men to feel confident or worthwhile. It is in a way, the current task for women in this world warping of human sexuality to find that true value comes from within and that we are the center of our lives, not the ornament in a man's life. Because society is teaching us to value our looks and sexual appeal to men ... It is the ultimate failure to lose the interest and appeal to the man you chose.
     
  11. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    It is the first time that women explain me that subject so openly and honestly, thanks to this thread. I predicted that it can play role but never any woman explained it to me like you girls are doing in this subject.
    I must tell that I was going on my own tempo to meet her in more intimate and sexual way. While she was probably expecting or was used to going fast into sex. She never communicated her needs to me. Definitely we had communication issues. For sure unfulfilled expectations played big role.
    But her reaction fits very good to what you describe. Rejecting her wasn't my purpose but she had her feelings hurt in some way.

    Thanks one more time for giving me possibility to be informed more.
     
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  12. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    How I had been so blind to not know these things before ? I feel sad. I don't like to confess my emotions but I literally feel shattered while getting bigger picture of what happened :(:(.
    I will remember this moment and feelings to never repeat these mistakes again. I can do at least this to avoid hurting unconsciously possible partner.
    I hope and wish for every woman to became aware of this pattern. To find it, bury and never return.

    I don't know how it is possible but from man perspective, I was subconsciously thinking that without girlfriend/partner I'm less worthy as man, as a member of society. That without fulfilling of this aspect of life I'm unsuccessful, not credible, just a human failure, incel etc. And nobody ever told me things like this. Cultural background is real manipulation.
     
  13. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    It usually isn't until we get older that we are able to see that our value isn't based on what men think of us, our looks, or how "capable" we are in the bedroom. This usually coincides with us finally discovering who we are outside of influences that molded us from a young age. It is unfortunate because men tend to hang onto these ideas more as they age so it creates a mental contradiction and women who no longer fit into the standard mold tend to be shamed. If we tell younger women that beauty comes from within, we are told we are jealous because we are no longer 20-something. If we say that women have to learn to forge their own path without men, then we are going against the "traditional family model".
    It is truly sad. Women shouldn't have to wait until they're 30, 40, or 50 to find internal happiness
     
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  14. finite

    finite Fapstronaut

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    I agree in full. It's a cleverly guarded system of dysfunction, and with social media the competitive nature of it plays young people into a lot of wasted time and emotional direction. Much of what raised or is raising young folks is the media they consume, which raises impossible cinematic standards. Perfectionism is universally one of the root issues in addictions and eating disorders.

    I do not think it's coincidence that my ex partner, an addict of all sorts, and I, still trying to fight the anorexia-bulemia ghosts in my mind, wound up together. I think it was Mark Quippet who commented that eating disorders and porn/sex addiction are just opposite sides of the same coin. I found that revelation hugely insightful in my own life . And it also helped me to come around to what motivated my ex to the same self-destructive behaviors that I no longer could pretend I was above doing in my own way.
     
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  15. Bloody Mary

    Bloody Mary Fapstronaut

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    I was very happy when when I was '20.
    In my experience I became to be sad when I was (and when I'm) involved in a relationship withouth true and withouth trust.
    Lies hurts me.
     
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  16. And just to add to this point, there's another layer that's not about the content of media but the delivery system. Still today people do not seem to notice the operant conditioning and intermittent reinforcement contributing to the average common state of mind. What made me quit Facebook (the first time) was observing my mind from the moment I logged on - I determined it took literally less than a minute for my brain state to change. This of course will not be noticed if someone is always on, because they never log off and log back on in the first place so it's the same state all the time, which is just considered normal by default. And I can pretty much guarantee, cash bet that a TON of people who do things like meditation does NOT notice this or even how the content they contribute are influenced by it, and talking to them about it likely also doesn't prompt them to take note even if they agree cognitively. To paraphrase that passage from the New Testament, there is a form of spirituality but it has no power over this behavior.

    It's bad enough that there's a culture pushing these BS messages, now not only is there a system that pushes it more effectively and more deeply, since it looks like the opinion of real people, but the mode of functioning is basically entrained to be compulsive in the first place so it's a perfect setup for these messages to really get in there. Remember these things were designed by people who have studied neuroscience so it is not by accident.

    Finally, there is absolutely nothing romantic about this state of affairs. To me it is beyond clear at this point this is basically a cyborg ethos, not in a literal physical sense but just in the sense of being machine driven and artificial conditioning rather than anything having to do with flesh and blood and humanity, even if you have PMO. Welcome to the machine.
     
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  17. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    I think its actually the opposite. Men learn how to not be "nice guys" from books and friends and all that, but women are not taught shit about it. Young women still believe in "true love" and the perfect romance (prince charming) which is part of their conditioning. That's why they keep attaching their self -esteem to what guys think of them. That's exactly what "nice guys" do to girls. Its literally the exact same problem, manisfesting itself in girls instead of guys. That "no more mr. nice guy" jargon needs to be taught to women as well, but it is not. When I have kids, it does not matter whether they are girls or boys, I am going to teach them the same self-improvement/confidence advice I learned. Gotta teach them before society conditions them. That's the only way to overcome the conditioning the "global village" will instill into them.

    On a side note, I think it should be a standard requirement for anyone to join this forum, male or female, to read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Your Brain on Porn.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2021
  18. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    Don't you know my friend, we live in the Matrix, metaphorically at least. Its forums like these that are reminiscent of bands of survivors, who have finally "woken up" to see society's lies for what they are.
     
  19. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    Read "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi. Eye-opening stuff about how society is conditioning men, and even women, to become needy for validation and overly necessitous of relationships, and what they perceive as "love".
     
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  20. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    That is actually what I was talking about to an extent. Women are conditioned from a young age that their "value" is what men think of them and from that, their self-esteem, self-worth, etc are byproducts of that conditioning. If a woman fits the "standard beauty" catagory in her 20s, it wouldn't be until she is much older, when her looks are no more, that she will begin to discover who she is outside of influence (if she's lucky), and eventually find inner happiness. I'm not saying all women are like that, and not all of them will find that inner peace and will instead, try to defy their biological clocks by any means necessary. This is also part of conditioning, where aging is seen as a bad thing because women lose their perceived value the older they get.

    Here's what I was taught, for example.
    When I was a kid: my value rests solely on how happy I make my future husband. This means I must be obedient, caring, nurturing to him and all my future children, please him whenever he wants it regardless of how I feel, cook his food, clean the house, give up my dreams he doesn't support or doesn't coincide with what his dreams are, etc. (I think you get the point).
    As a teen/young adult: My value is based solely on what my "prince charming" does for me. He must remember every anniversary, birthday, holiday, occasion, and he must give me whatever I wanted no matter the cost otherwise he doesn't see me as worthy. He must be there for me emotionally, physically, and be able to basically read my mind and know exactly how I want him to react in every situation that comes along. If he doesn't do all of this, then he doesn't find me valuable enough and I am free to leave and pursue another man who can cater to my every need no matter what he has going on in his own life. If he can't love me for who I am, no matter how toxic I am, then I must find someone else who is "worthy" of me. If I stay with him, that just means I'm weak.
    As an older adult: My value is based solely on how young I look and how much I am able to keep up with the satisfaction of the man i am with. If I can't do that, then he will find someone younger who can because value=youth and if I have no youth, I must compensate in other ways.

    I am very keen on contradictions when it comes to teachings. So for me, this stuff didn't make sense because I saw how broken relationships were when people lived the way I described above.
    The people I hung around with during each of these phases in my life were all conditioned to believe all that stuff, including my own sisters (neither of which are happy because they still believe the above). I cant speak on behalf of all women and perhaps there are other teachings out there that are worse, or possibly better, but this is from my own experience and what I've personally seen through my life.
    I know men are not taught what their true value is either and it also creates so much inner conflict and turmoil, which is one of the reasons for addiction. Men are expected to be tough all the time and not show or have emotions (there's men who truly believe that men do not have all the emotions that women have) and so their outlet for vulnerability is usually in the form of a maladaptive coping mechanism.
     
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