Question from a wife of a PA

No, no, no, no, NO. Did I type enough no's? Firstly, and most importantly, you are not responsible for his problem. Nor did you cause or give him any legitimate reason to turn to porn. There is nothing deficient or lacking on your part. You could have been his expectation of a perfect wife and he still would turn to porn. If he would have married one of his little blonde bimbos that he likes to look at he still would have turned to porn. The Coolidge Effect dictates that he would eventually tire of them as well. Resist any ideas that you are somehow to blame for any of this.

I understand the conundrum that you are trying to reconcile. How can he love me and love what he looks at on the internet? One must be true and one must be false, right? And is there any truth to the hurtful things he says?

Remember our working definition of what addict do... they use objects/events/images to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. They use the 'trance' or 'autopilot' to build a fantasy world that is pain-free, judgment-free, and gives them false comfort. In order to engage in behavior that both comforts them and is against their moral code an addict must compartmentalize. Here's that definition - Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.

In other words, an addict will start putting his life into boxes... one labeled family life, one work life, and so on. There is also a box for his addict life. An addict switches roles, behaviors, and morality as he goes through the day. An addict mistakenly thinks these boxes are separate and don't affect one another. This is how an addict can do and say and look at horrible, disgusting things on the internet at night but appear to be a good husband or good employee.

An addict believes the lies he says when he tells you he loves you but still engages in behavior he knows you hate. This is how an addict can reconcile these two roles in their own minds. Breaking this delusion is one of the hardest steps an addict needs to take before they can recover.

Another mistake you are making is that you are comparing yourself to the little blonde bimbos. That is not who you are competing against. You are competing against the phantom, fleeting feeling that porn brings him. Can the wife of a drug user compete against the feelings drugs bring a drug addict? Of course not... it is artificial, temporary, and harmful. You are competing against an illness... against something that isn't even real. Even real life porn stars cannot compete with an illusion.

Next, addicts form relationships with their addiction. It soon becomes the primary relationship in their life and they will protect it at all costs. To what lengths would you go to protect your family or children? Would you do the same things to save your job or save a stranger? Of course not. An addict will say and do anything to protect that primary relationship with porn.

They build walls to keep others out and keep themselves inside. All those hurtful things he says are to get you to just go away and leave him alone. He doesn't want to dwell on the painful issues you are challenging him to face. Addicts are emotionally immature and will prefer to run and not deal with stressful issues. The fact that he includes tidbits that have just a small taste of truth shows how effective he has become to get you to go away. Right now he is willing to sacrifice all other relationships to perpetuate his relationship with porn.

The process of pushing others away is not a logical action but an emotional one. Addicts are unable to cope with life and find it unpredictable. The PMO process bring them consistent and reliable relief. It is temporary and unhealthy but the inner addict just wants the pain to go away. The illness is that they keep turning to things that don't work instead of turning to true sources of comfort.

Only when an addict hits rock bottom does the carefully constructed illusion come crashing down. After taking an analysis they come to prioritize the things in their life correctly. Instead of pushing you away, an addict will use his love for you as one of his motivations to stay clean. That happened in my case.

Hopefully this restores a little of your self-esteem and self-confidence. I know it's hard but when he says hurtful things think of them coming from a little boy. Our children can say things to hurt us but try not to take them to heart. The way he is behaving is DESPICABLE right now. I hope you will be able to wake up him from the nightmare he is living. But more importantly I hope you can better protect yourself from the emotional abuse he is putting you through.

 

Let me add to the chorus of no no no it's not you it has nothing to do with you. I totally understand because I am a partner of a man with PIED. He has delayed ejaculation so on top of the porn use it killed my self esteem. Does your partner struggle in bed too? If so this really hurts I understand. You think why am I not good enough? Why don't I turn you on? These are normal emotions. Think of it like this though. Men who are addicts don't see porn as a substitute for sex. He may have originally started that way, he had a high drive he was curious but once he got addicted that changed. He now uses it to cope with emotions or to feed the need for dopamine. As women any attacks on our looks kills us, but you have to try to separate it. One guy said to me on here when I first joined that if the woman on that porn walked off the screen and into his bedroom it still would not change a thing. He would not be able to perform and/or it would not stop his porn use. I believe that you are very attractive. I have men hitting on me left and right but come home to a man that does not want me and think wth? In part I blame society. Even some therapists still recommend that if your partner looks at porn then you as a woman need to spice thing up, or you have denied him sex or you must have put on weight. The picture of the sex deprived man is portrayed over and over and so of course porn is okay and if only his wife was freakier no no no. Just google my husband prefers porn or masturbation and see how many hits you get. The opposite is now true and we have a generation of women being deprived of sex in marriage, because their husbands prefer porn. Him saying you are not attractive is gaslighting. He is trying to move the fire away from him and onto you. And most men would rather blame their wives than admit they need help, because they don't want to get help yet. I hope your husband is doing a reboot and working of fixing things. Good luck!

 

You are spot on about how things used to be. I started having sex in college in 1998 and boy were things different. Dating was a lot different too. I will say prior to my current relationship I did have the kind of passionate sex you speak of and that was in the past 5 years, it can happen. But with my addict partner the issue is not just the DE it's like you said there is no intimacy no passion and he's so lazy. Early on he tried at least a bit. He initiates sex (when he does which is rare) by placing my hand on his penis or just asking. There is no kissing no touching. Most of the time he expects me to work on him and does nothing for me. The last few times he did not even remove my clothes! He could care less if I orgasm. Oral on me yeah never! The only way he can orgasm is if he closes his eyes and uses his hand. If he looks at me he cannot. It makes me feel disgusting . When we have intercourse he says he feels nothing. He will comment on the Pimple on my neck or ask about dinner. He is never present at all. I have been screaming at him for months there is no intimacy. Sex to him is not about two people connecting. Honestly I miss sex with my exes and have started thinking about it. I would never cheat but I just want a normal sex life, and to feel desired.