Questions for men involved with texting/calling escorts

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by girlfriendofm, May 29, 2019.

  1. Sysyphus

    Sysyphus Fapstronaut

    You're welcome @girlfriendofm you don't deserve any of this, an so doesn't any other woman for that matter. I know everybody has different reasons to do what they do, but in my few days here I am surprised to see very strong and similar patterns that a lot of us fapstronauts develop. My main reason was novelty no questions asked, I would always look for girls who looked very differently from my ex gf, and also different from the last escort. I think I've never been with a girl who looked like her, not even now that I miss her so much. My ex gf is a very beautiful woman, and so were most of the escorts I contacted, still I would get bored and lost interest rather fast, so I needed a new one. The second reason, and maybe equally strong, was the zero chance of rejection, you just need to look for the kind of escort you want, see if she performs the particular kink you're into that day and that's it. I'm not into any fetish that I'm aware of, so most escorts would easily comply with my requests.

    Knowing that the girl will agree with anything you ask gives you this feeling of power and confidence and I think that's what makes me enjoy the experience, more so than the sex itself. They also pretend to care about what you have to say, kind of like a shrink would, I know it's a dumb comparison but for me it feels similar. I think is the same thing with the camgirls or the other girls he would ask for photos. They listen and do as they're asked, and that feeling is highly addictive.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  2. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Ahhh.

    Cam shows are a particular fetish that it’s more interactive than pre-recorded sexual acts but it’s not as “real” as the real McCoy.

    At first I was strongly skeptical of what you were being told but now I actually tend to believe him too, and here is why:

    Because he likes control over the sexual action (imagine a director of a porn scene), he’s drawn to escalate to real people that he can control.

    He pays them for an act and feels control over them for doing it. He is excited by control and that’s completely obvious to me.

    As for why he went to the real deal and backed away; that also makes sense. When you go to an escort for the first time you are nervous and jumpy. Your fear of unknown (as a general rule) will keep you on edge because you are thinking of your safety. BUT, the reason he is backing away from it is that it’s TOO REAL. In other words having a girl perform on him violated his bubble , his illusion of pleasure without immorality.

    In other words your bf likes the safety of the fantasy and the illusion of control.


    Also, this topic is correctly categorized as SA behavior.

    Your boyfriend sounds like he is a PA AND a SA.

    Now knowing that—- you can ask him
    Questions:

    why did he feel excited when he is in control?

    Does he feel he is in control in his relationships ?
    Does he feel he is in control in his single life ?
    Does he feel something(s) in his life are out of control?

    I know that when an addict feels out of control in what area , they exert control in another. For example, if I struggle to keep my porn under control I may clean my face, my room, my environment excessively ; one is an attempt to fix another (unrelated) thing.

    You sound like the perfect girl for him, these questions don’t necessarily need to come from you; but for you to understand, someone needs to ask him loads of questions.
     
    girlfriendofm likes this.
  3. girlfriendofm

    girlfriendofm Fapstronaut

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    I think he was holding back. I’ll try and ask those questions but it has been a very rough couple of days with this and I don’t want to upset myself even more. He said after we broke up “I felt like my life was over so I finally went and saw one.” Like he had nothing to lose. I think he had a severe problem with porn turned cam turned getting off on the possibility of actually going. He’s paying for an escort to send him videos and do what he wants and get off on someone “real” I guess. I don’t know if he will ever tell me the whole truth. I really don’t know. He may have already. But that’s the problem here. You never know what the whole truth is.
     
  4. girlfriendofm

    girlfriendofm Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. He would contact girls that look nothing like me at all. Random kinds too never the same kind of girl. Never even attractive. Some were some were terrifying looking. Young. Old. Black. White. It didn’t matter to him. He lost any preference he may have had and went for them all. In his phone he must have 150 escorts numbers blocked. It’s terrifying to see.
     
  5. Sysyphus

    Sysyphus Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I usually went for the "nice ones" but that was expensive. When I ran out of cash I started involving in risky situations so I could get it cheaper. The poor judgement is a staple when the rush takes over.
     
  6. I did want to check as well where in town they were located. Partly because it added to the rush, it fed the addiction, mainly out of pragmatic organizational reasons: can I make it back home in time (shower, check traces, clothes, get my psyche back to normal, etc) so that my bf would not get suspicious.
    Have to say though that I would let them know if I decided not to come. Out of respect and self protection, so once they had my number they would‘t start contacting me ;)
     
  7. Once you scrolled up and down the profiles a hundred times, looking for the smash hit, without success, you start lowering your expectations, compromising according to who was available. I sometimes went, payed, started and after 10 minutes I would snap off and leave still hooked.
    Keep in mind: once it has turned into an addiction ... I knew a junky once, he had no heroine so he shot some whiskey up his veins ...
    At my best times I would come home after a twelve hour session of drinking, smoking, sniffing, threesome with two hustlers together, Saturday at noon and would look for more and go to meet another one ...
     
  8. Sharksvv

    Sharksvv Fapstronaut

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    When I was still addicted I did this too, I’d text escorts and it was just a rush, 99% of the time I’d never actually set anything up, it was just the thrill of talking so openly and about sexual topics with a woman, a lot of guys do this and a lot of them do it until they orgasm just from the erotic messages then they stop, until they have the urge again.

    Then of course some guys actually follow through with it and see the escorts but with regards to just texting them? I’d say it’s more common than you’d think.
     
  9. girlfriendofm

    girlfriendofm Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the input. I get that but he says he paid for videos and pictures and stuff or to FaceTime them or video chat and he didn’t even use them to masturbate. He said he’d get them and then delete them and didn’t save them but he’d pay quite some money for them sometimes 65+ dollars...see where it’s not adding up? I just don’t understand it that’s all. I have a feeling there is more but he just won’t admit it and that’s the hardest part.
     
  10. el10

    el10 Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    I understand that behavior because I’ve done similar things, such as searching for escorts, using dating sites and apps, webcam sites and chatting in sex or dating chats and I never met anyone.

    I think it was part of the addiction, just as someone has said before, we addicts, are all the time looking for something else and this is a step forward, we don’t have enough with just standard porn and we start looking for something else.

    I know it is hard to understand the motivations of the addicts to do what we do, but it is hard for us to understand it as well, believe me.

    My wife it’s been very supportive with me, just like you are doing with your boyfriend and it’s been fantastic for me to feel that support. I think that the important thing for him is to be aware of his addiction and to work every day to overcome it.
     
  11. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    This is very interesting to me because like i said, i used to do this too. I thought i was the only one but it appears to be a much common thing since at least 4 people in this topic described the same behavior.

    Just to be clear, i did actually meet escorts but in many cases I wouldn't, i'd just call to ask about "possible appointments and services". I did this both with unknown escorts and with escorts i had actually visited in the past.

    For what i can tell so far it was the idea of discussing possible sex or of me having sex. I remember i used to have a HUGE rush when i'd start a call.

    But to be even more descriptive, the rush wasn't JUST about calling, it was also about looking for new escorts or new pictures of escorts i knew or new information on escorts. Yes, the rush when i actually made the call was at it's highest but i had that rush when i would browse the internet for them as well.

    I would compare it to the rush before starting a PMO session, but it was much more intense.
     
    girlfriendofm likes this.
  12. TheMaster101

    TheMaster101 Fapstronaut

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    Should you really care what he says at this point? The guy is a complete and total douchebag and you did well for breaking it up with him.. Why the fuck would any person that is happy in a relationship contact escorts? And it seems he is not even trying to hide it, he is just so blatant about it.. Do you honestly believe anything he says? Like... what is wrong with you? I'm sorry if i seem like a douchebag for saying this.. but you need to take that head out of your ass and really move the fuck on.. The guy is not for you, you can easily.. EASILY.. did i say easily yet? find someone better.. and if you are really hideous looking to the point where you break mirrors.. it's better to be alone than to be with that idiot piece of shit. I'm sorry.. but reading that pissed me off.
     
  13. girlfriendofm

    girlfriendofm Fapstronaut

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    I understand this. I do believe he has seen some of them I’m not saying hundreds but some and he won’t admit that. He admitted to escalating to the masseuse but after we broke up he went wild and actually saw escorts for other things. I’m just dealing with it. It’s hard to deal with something when you’ll never know the whole truth.
     
  14. girlfriendofm

    girlfriendofm Fapstronaut

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    I am not ugly. I’m a bit overweight but I am bubbly funny and dress nice and have a pretty face. All throughout our relationship guys contacted me and said nice things to me etc but I never even entertained it but yet here I am having been faithful and he was out paying to be with prostitutes. I will say that we have been working on things and I know that’s going to piss you off but I’m being honest. We do love eachother but there was something wrong with him. He’s been great at answering what he can and then recently he has been disconnected the past week or so which worries me that he’s returned to it. Please don’t yell at me about this. I feel stuck I feel like someone hoping someone will change and they haven’t. It’s scary. I’m dumb I get it. But if you’ve never been in my shoes please don’t yell at me.
     
  15. You say you‘re dealing with IT. All he did, not did, said, lied, apologized, admitted, didn‘t mean to, promises, not keeping? This would make me crazy. Not that I suggest you should stop trying to understand and deal with IT yet why not start dealing with the fact that you will never wrestle this to the ground and start dealing with YOU NEVER knowing the whole truth. That’s all you can do that is in YOUR power. And set clear boundaries for the future AND be consequent. You seem to be a precious human being.
     
  16. TheMaster101

    TheMaster101 Fapstronaut

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    Look dear i'm not yelling at you don't worry, would be pointless to yell at a screen anyway. First i want to congratulate you for losing a lot of weight, i know that shits hard work and you should be proud of yourself. Anyway back to the topic at hand, from what i gather you forgave him once correct? You are a saint for forgiving him, 90% of other people would have called it a day and moved on as soon as they found out. Now comes the real question. how much longer are you going to take it? Is this what you want to spend your precious time with? day in and day out pondering what he is up to? what hooker he is banging next..
    There is no such thing as "I'm ONLY chatting with them" i will give you the benefit of the doubt and actually believe you are not that naive. prostitutes don't give a flying fuck about chatting it up with someone for long periods of time.. 9 out of 10 will block you if they notice you are not going to meet with them within a short time frame. Look i'm not trying to be mean here and i'm sorry if the truth hurts.. If you need help just reach out. Take care dear..
     
  17. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    I obviously don't know the whole story . No one truly knows the whole story except for him. I would love for you to google search " drip truths ", and " half truths ". Half truths are when he tells just a little bit of what he did but not everything so it doesn't seem that bad , or as bad as it really is.
    And from your posts, he never volunteered Amy I formation. It sounds like he got caught , so he gave you enough truth to get you off his back so be can go back to his secrets .
    From my personal story . My fiance found out that I saw an escort. And since she had proof of that one and only that one. I told her that that was the only escort I've seen. But the truth was I've seen 2 escorts , one with drugs involved , and three rub and tugs. One of them I went to see when she my fiance was only 3 months pregnant with our boy.
    The reason I tell you this is I felt like if I truly told her everything and was 100% honest I felt like she would definitely decide to end it with me.
    And it's natural for someone who's knee deep I. Their addiction to not want to fully expose everything.
    I can promise you , that hasn't told you everything . And for him to fully recover he needs to tell you everything. And be 100% honest with you and put everything on the table. You two will have zero chance until he does that and he will have zero chance at recovery until he is fully honest with HIMSELF.
    What's your thoughts on making the boundary that he starts to go to a local SAA self help group, or a counselor that is experienced with sex and porn addiction ? And if he doesn't then you cannot keep doing this ? There's needs to be repercussions for his actions . And so far he's gotten away with everything. So why wouldn't he keep lying and acting out?
    Also I highly recommend maybe finding an al- anon group close to you , because his addiction as you probably already know affects you , and you need to make sure you are bettering yourself as well.
    Please don't hesitate to message if you feel like it girlfriendofm
     
  18. girlfriendofm

    girlfriendofm Fapstronaut

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    Update.

    Asked for a lie detector test. Admitted he has slept with 3 escorts. Paid numerous escorts to strip while he jerked off to them and Some of them he even got blow jobs from. You were all right from the beginning. He has been clean since February but it took five months for the truth. He said that he did it and blocked it out of his mind afterwards because of the feeling and guilt but when he went to work the next day the urge came back. I cannot understand how an addiction like this can cause compartmentalizations from real life. Devastated. Thank you all for the help.
     
  19. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong. I can I only imagine how devestated and heart broken you must feel.
    Do you feel like maybe he still isn't telling all of the truth ? Do you honestly think he just paid the escorts to just strip and occasional blowjob ?

    I'm so sorry xo
     
  20. Facundo0810

    Facundo0810 Fapstronaut

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    Have you thought about looking for a support group for your boyfriend? If he lives in the US you can find some local chapters. Here is the link:

    https://saa-recovery.org/

    I'm going in the same path as your bf. I know that it can be difficult sometimes. Hopefully he will overcome this.
     

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