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Questions for other relationships

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Damo_c1, Nov 28, 2023.

  1. Damo_c1

    Damo_c1 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, girls and partners of nofappers

    I have some questions about how to bridge the gap between openness and honesty, and hiding tendencies from your partner. I have been battling back and fourth within myself about telling my girlfriend of a year and a half about when I’m not doing so good. She knows about my past and current problems and has been hurt throughout the journey of me getting to where I am, because I hid things from her, did thing’s behind her back that I’m not proud of and just kept going back to porn over and over.

    Over the year and a half I’ve felt stuck between telling her everything that I’m feeling and getting her support, or not telling her because she will get hurt by what I have to say and may possibly lead to fighting in our relationship.

    I just want to hear how you or your partner bridged that gap and made it a habit to communicate with your partner whenever things are rough. Or any tips would be greatly appreciated on how to not feel as guilty as I do, to the level of me not wanting to tell her and breaking her trust even more when she finds out.

    the lying has to stop, she needs to know
     
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Check with her. Does she want regular updates, to be told when you slip, or join in celebrating when you hit milestones (or all of these)?

    Whatever you both choose, this is true.
     
  3. This can vary from relationship to relationship. I had been open about what's been going on with me because changes in my behavior and mood need some explanation.

    I hid my PMO addiction from my wife for years, even when we were dating. A couple of weeks ago, I confessed my addiction to my wife, but soften the blow a bit by showing her that I am serious about this. I told her that it was a few days since I've stopped and made the decision, and been open about where I am getting support (showing her my NoFap account and my Brain Buddy account).

    I am hoping that complete transparency and sitting down with her every night (after the kids are off to bed) and starting the conversation with, "How are you?" or "How are you feeling today?" will help her. You recognize that you've hurt your girlfriend, the best thing you can do is just talk to her and ask how she is doing and focus in on her alone. If she is open to it or asks, then you can tell her how you're progressing.

    Something that I am using lately is replying to the question, "How are you?" with the same type of question, "How are you doing?" or "How are you holding up?". This bounces the focus off of me and back to them; then I can respond with how I am doing.

    Key thing is to focus on your girlfriend, first, then you can transition the focus back to you. Also, ask for feedback from her.
     
    Damo_c1 likes this.
  4. Damo_c1

    Damo_c1 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,

    I know she wants to know and be there for me but it’s telling her that I find the hardest, even good things are hard to tell her because I don’t want to bring anything up that could hurt her, or bring up old memories of when our relationship was struggling a lot with this stuff

    I’ve found it hard actually telling her when something happens which is really hard on both of us but I can’t justify hurting her more by telling her so I keep it inside until you finds out and it goes to shit again anyway
     
  5. Damo_c1

    Damo_c1 Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou so much for replying man, that’s a good idea with the “how are you” stuff, we are staring to implement a weekly check in where we talk about all of this stuff and anything else that might be bothering eachother.

    I need to do the same with the complete transparency, I’ve been getting better at telling her when I have had a rough day but whenever relapse is in the forefront of my mind I feel like she would be hurt with where my mind had been going and how close I was. I just battle in my head about if I need to hide it from her or tell her everything it’s hard pushing past that. I think I just need to do it once and it’ll be easier the next time and so on but there hasn’t been anything bad to say lately so my mindset might have gone back to not telling her by the time something happens again.

    thanks for replying again man
     
  6. CrushedandLeaving

    CrushedandLeaving Fapstronaut

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    Whether or not she knows it right now, the hurtful things are true. She has a human right to make an informed decision about how she would like to behave and engage in her relationship. If you are hiding things or not talking about important things that might change her decisions, you are tricking her into being in relationship with you and engaging with you. You are dehumanizing her by withholding pertinent information. And that's the most hurtful part of this addiction in the first place.
     
  7. CrushedandLeaving

    CrushedandLeaving Fapstronaut

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    (and if you don't respect her just as a person enough that her humanity outweighs your discomfort, you don't deserve her anyway.)
     
  8. Damo_c1

    Damo_c1 Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou for your input, I can say that she does know things now, but earlier on in the relationship I broke her trust over and over again which caused a great toll on our relationship. I have told myself if I was in her shoes what would I feel if she hid when she was feeling badly about things from me and that has helped too.
     
  9. ANewFocus

    ANewFocus Fapstronaut

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    I have a check in time with my wife every week. She can ask me about my porn addiction and I am expected to be honest. She deserves to know how I am doing and how it affects our marriage. She deserves to have a choice in what she lives with.
     
  10. Zerratul

    Zerratul Fapstronaut

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    I told my current GF that i had sex addiction. Porn addiction would scare her away from me. I know person who said that to girlfriend, when they split whole town knew about that and his limp dick. Sorry, if you have long term relationship then you say. If GF DONT SAY

    Thats what i think
     
  11. CrushedandLeaving

    CrushedandLeaving Fapstronaut

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    If she does not want to be in a long term relationship with a porn addict, you are removing her ability to consent to the actual relationship by withholding the information. If it's not something you can talk to the person about, either you are not in a position to have a GF or she is not the GF for you. If your gf does not want to be with someone with a porn addiction and you are withholding that you have a porn addiction, you are purposefully tricking her into a relationship she does not want.
     
  12. Zerratul

    Zerratul Fapstronaut

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    i could not disagree more. I am not tricking anyone in to anythink. She likes my dick, she dont need to know i am convict or porn addict. She is grown up.
    Its extremally stupid to get new girfriend and tell her all the bad about yourself, she will loose resepect and intrest to you BEFORE she create any kind of spiritual connection.
    Jesus who does that o_O

    Anyway, how do you know she dont want to be with P addict?
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    People who value honesty and integrity do that.
     
  14. Starling

    Starling Fapstronaut

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    Maybe she does. Why dont you ask her? :)
     
  15. Zerratul

    Zerratul Fapstronaut

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    XD
    Jesus, thats next level of white knighting
     
    KevinesKay likes this.
  16. CrushedandLeaving

    CrushedandLeaving Fapstronaut

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    Normal human beings who want to build a relationship on trust and honesty tell each other up front all the major deal breakers before trying to manipulate them into a fake emotional connection based on lying about who you are.
     
  17. Zerratul

    Zerratul Fapstronaut

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    Agreed only if it works both way and it never does
     
    KevinesKay likes this.
  18. CrushedandLeaving

    CrushedandLeaving Fapstronaut

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    You should consider that you're reaching for justification to continue keeping your girlfriend in the dark and have her make life decisions you have already indicated she wouldn't want to make. Thinking she might also choose to lie is not a valid reason to manipulate her by withholding information and lying.
    Porn addiction is a lifelong recovery process. She deserves to know what she's signing up for. You'd be pissed if a woman hid from you that she had children until she thought you were invested enough to stay anyway.
     
    Damo_c1 and ANewFocus like this.
  19. Zerratul

    Zerratul Fapstronaut

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    I will consider that.

    Thank you
     
  20. Warfman

    Warfman Fapstronaut

    Just a couple things to think about, that I think I'll add.

    First, if you don't disclose things like say being a convict and they find out by a third party? Where is the relationship at, at that point? Is it better or worse off?

    Second, what does an ideal relationship look like for you specifically? Sure you could lie about this, and hide it. Maybe even get away with it for decades. Is that the kind of relationship you want? To add to this scenario, let's say you're gf/wife/partner actually is more accepting of it than you think? Wouldnt it be better to have a relationship where you and her are able to be honest about things you are ashamed of rather than keeping them secrets?

    Third, I think I know what you mean when you say you dont think it goes both ways. But I want to challenge you on that. Its definitely possible to find a partner who is willing to accept you for your flaws. But the only way for you to find someone who will is to actually open up about those things. It seems to me that is the ideal outcome. It's scary and it can hurt, because you are risking being rejected, but I don't think that makes it a real reason to hide something from someone you are interested in pursuing a serious relationship with.
     
    hope4healing and Starling like this.

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