Questions for PA/SA from a partner

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Luvspin68, May 23, 2019.

  1. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

    Hello All,
    I’ll try to be brief......... recently discovered communication between my boyfriend (age 63) and a prostitute including him “hosting” and a time. He said he was just “flirting” and never intended to meet. Then I discovered
    3 more communications with TS prostitutes. I pushed him to tell me the truth ( or polygraph) and he admits to seeing TS prostitutes.
    He says 3 in last 2 years and 7-8 total since 2011. He claims he never was penetrated( but they tried once) and claims it was about oral. Admitted to him performing oral sex.
    After this discovery he claims” he is totally done with it and never thinks about it”. Also EVERY time we had ever had sex he has to rub his out dick frequently. ( I always thought that was odd)/ figured it was his age.
    My questions:
    1. Is he definitely a PA as well as a sex addict( I never knew he even watched any porn!!
    2. I assume one has to watch a lot of porn before getting to the point of going to a prostitute. So porn daily?
    3. What do you think the real number of how many times he saw them??
    4. Is it even possible he didn’t have anal?
    5. Will he alway crave this?? Or is he repulsed by it?
    6. When he is rubbing his own dick during sex, is he wishing he was with a TS??
    Thank you for all your help!!!

    Any advice on me getting him to open up to me? Quite guarded about it all.

    He is working with a life coach

    Thank you So Much!!!!
  2. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    It is hard to be sure about these questions, but I imagine that if he has got to the stage of visiting prostitutes and needs to self stimulate during sex then he is frequently using porn, but I may be wrong.

    The other questions are harder. I've talked with people here who were on either side of the answers. For example I never thought about porn while having sex with my wife, but I know some addicts here who did.

    (N.B. I suspect you will get more support if this post is in the Partner Support subsection, so I'm going to move it there. I hope that's OK, let me—or another Moderators Assistant or a moderator—know if it isn't and we can move it back to Problematic Sexual Behavior.)
    Butterfly1988 and hope4healing like this.
  3. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    1) Probably yes
    2) Probably close enough to once a day.
    3) More, I would think, but really unless it was a lot more I can't see the motivation to lie either.
    5) Porn can lead to interests or curiosities that he might like AND be repulsed by. He might not crave it though, it might just be the "taboo" of TS that is the exciting part.
    6) He's thinking something porn related more likely....slight possibility that he knows the self stimulation will keep him hard (also likely due to porn but at least he's not thinking about porn if that is the motivation). I wouldn't think it would have to be TS related.

    Some of these you would know if you knew he was looking at porn and at what types of might be better off not knowing.

    I gather you are planning on trying to work through this?
  4. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

    Thank you so very much for taking the time reply.

    I am very much trying to work through this.

    My greatest fear is this a sexual authenticity issue....... like he is not being honest about what he craves sexually.

    It’s so hard to convince myself that this could be all due to very low self esteem and lack of love for self.

    It’s so perplexing and confusing
    But thank you again!!!!
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Keep asking. There's lots of porn addicts and wives of porn addicts here who are going through the same problems, or have been through it
    hope4healing and Butterfly1988 like this.
  6. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    What do you mean by TS?
  7. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Transexual, I think
    Last edited: May 25, 2019
    Sadgirl likes this.
  8. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation :( How long have you and your boyfriend been together? Has he been with a prostitute sinxe you have been with him?
    Is he willing to see a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist? It is great that he is seeing a life coach, but life coaches are not trained to deal with a problem of this magnitude (It's like seeing a receptionist at a clinic for cardiac surgery). Sex addiction runs deep.
    Have you learned about sex addiction/porn addiction? Gary Wilson's Ted Talk "Your Brain On Porn" explains escalation really well. Anything by Dr. Rob Weiss is solid info as well.
    Re: Your boyfriend needing to "rub" his penis during sex, it is most likely to keep his erection solid. Men who masturbate a lot are used to the pressure their hand provides and a vagina can't grip as much.
    Escalating to transexual porn is somewhat common once other forms stop providing as much arousal-escalating to real life encounters is the next step in escalation.
    My biggest words of advice are:Trust your intuition. Addicts lie and it takes real work in thetapy for them to even understand their denials, justifications, and minimizations. Please take care of your health and get tested for STD's regardless of what your boyfriend admits or denies.
  9. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your reply.
    We have been together for 2 years.
    He admitted to seeing TS prostitues “2-3” times since have been together.
    He was tested for everything and was negative... and so was I.

    This really is the most horrible thing I’ve ever been through.
    Only partners of SA can understand what a literal “mind f—k” it is.

    I’m an accomplished, stable, grounded professional person and I can’t even explain just how devastated I feel. I just cannot wrap my brain around the duplicity.......
    and how betrayed I feel and then second guessing of myself. ( bad thoughts like “ I wAs not exciting enough...... or he must have been really bored with me”)

    I’ve listened to so much information and they all say “ it’s not about you”
    I get that theoretically, but still I’m emotionally shattered. And I take this VERY personally. It’s sex! The most intimate and sacred thing being done with others.

    I’m sure you ask..... “ why don’t you just break up?” I keep asking myself too
    But he has all these fantastic qualities
    (My kids love him, he loves my parents, he is generous and gives a lot to foundations and is basically a pillar of the community)

    I know his secret and it’s killing me

    He basically claims it’s never gonna happen again and he’s “ done with that”
    Is that even possible?

    Thank you for reading everyone.
    Deleted Account and kropo82 like this.
  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    I fully understand how devastating it is-there is NO greater pain than giving your heart and mind and body to a man and trusting him fully; only to find out that he can look you in the eyes and lie and betray you. I will tell you that this did exist long before you entered the picture- a man doesn't just go out getting oral sex from a transvestite because he is unsatisfied with you. He has a sexual addiction. I will also tell you very firmly that a man can't just "be done with that" with no outside help. These men protect their addictions-it has been their coping mechanisms for years and sometimes decades. He is 63-I can guarantee that sexual integrity issues have been around for a long time for him. These patterns of behaviour do not just go away because he is "done with it". He needs accountability. He needs to talk to other men who have been there and are there. Light needs to be shed on his secrets so they have no power over them and he needs psychological help to address the reasons why he chose to numb out sexually. None of this goes away by willing it away. It needs to be dissected, understood, and new ways of coping introduced. It takes 3-5 years to rewire the brain.
    These men lie-often they don't even realize it because dishonesty has been a way of life for so long. The only way to really know what is going on is to have a full disclosure with a polygraph. 12 step groups and accountability are invaluable. Watch your own denial because it will only harm you in the end. This is NOT an easy road at all. But if you chose to stay make sure that he is looking for true recovery not just sobriety because you will be right back here in 10 years wishing you would have left the first time.
  11. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for responding. Those words are invaluable to me.
    My gut has been telling me all those things. It’s why I have massive anxiety and have lost wt. Because I know everything you say is spot on.
    And I am worried about my own denial. I have an amazing therapist who won’t let me stuck in denial.

    It sounds like you have so much experience in this area...... perhaps personal and or professional.

    I have done some research on Polygraph’s and understand that the questions are fairly general.

    Are you suggesting I use for disclosure? Or accountability?

    If so any advice about polygraphs would be helpful.

    I’m truly terrified of being that person who in 10 years discovers it is still happening.

    I need to get a solid plan.
    Thank you!!!!
  12. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is so awesome that you are looking for answers and that you already have a therapist. I would highly suggest that your partner see a CSAT who works the betrayal trauma model NOT the co dependent model. If you email Rob Weiss's office, his assistant can let you know who in your area would be a good fit. His email can be found at (My Fav website-loads of webinars to view and great podcasts. You can even join a webinar and ask Dr. Rob things. My husband and I joined his webinar and Dr Rob called my husband out for being a narcissist lol. He says it like it is. Addicts need that.

    Once he has a CSAT you can start working on Disclosure, but it is really important to not rush it-the best time is 3-6 months post DDAY. This gives enough time for the fog to lift and for the SA to get out of denial. Any sooner and he could still believe his own lies and pass a poly. Yes most polygraphs consist of 5 questions or so-yes or no. So you can base them around the disclosure and any gut feelings you have about that. Then many CSATS will have a clarification meeting where more details come out after the disclosure. It is a long process.

    There are many really good books out there for partners, but my favourite by far is Intimate Deception by Sherri Keffer. Such a great book. 12 step has a wonderful track record for getting men out of denial and into healing and for removing shame. Nothing like being in a room of 20 men, 5 who have serial affairs, 2 who have sex with animals and 3 who have sex with prostitutes and transvestites and the rest with porn addictions to remove shame and get healing!

    Now for you. His healing is up to him. You CAN NOT listen to him as he is a liar. You need to WATCH. Is he going to meetings? Seeing his CSAT? Getting closer to you emotionally? You have to watch his actions and listen to your intuition. I know-that is so hard because he gaslight you for years and lied to you. You believed him over you. Now it is YOUR time to get your intuition back. work on self care. YOu need to get that anxiety down because it can and will harm you and you are worth so much more than that. Make a plan for your healing. Reading, reaching out to other women, developing friendships, exercising, eating well, meditating, seeing your therapist (or a betrayal trauma trained CSAT)- any or all. But get moving. Don't wallow. You need to take care of you. You need boundaries! And consequences if he crosses your boundaries. He is not safe. He needs to prove that he is willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust. (Check out Vicki Tidwell Palmer for boundary info-podcasts, books etc. She is great). Also-accountability software on his phone/computer to help him stop porn usage and to give you some safety.
    It's hell. I know. You didn't sign up for this. But you are not alone.

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