Quitting porn, again...

Hey everyone,

This is not the first time I'm quitting porn. I have done so in the past with some good streaks. But when my life is on track and I have a GF, I figure porn is not such a big deal and I relapse. So here's my story...

The first time I quit using porn was when I met a girl that I was totally and completely in love with. She was pure and innocent and changed me in a lot of ways. Before I met her I was shy, had little or no friends and stayed home a lot. When I met her I thrived and felt like a new man. I was 24 at the time. I always had perverted fantasies, as long as I can remember (probably porn induced). At first, with her, I didn't but slowly as our sexlife became a bit duller I started having fantasies again.

Like her having sex with another man. For some reason that always got me off. Slowly I slipped back in my old habits and started watching porn more often and smoking weed a lot. I became noticeably more anxious, depressed and lonely during that time. Even while sustaining a relationship and living together and me working at a bar and going to school studying marketing. On the nights I was free, I didn't seek out my girl or friends but sought to be alone, smoking weed and watching porn.

I tell you this to show you that you can have a poisonous porn-addiction while functioning and appearing social, I mean working in a bar seems to be a social as you can get. But for people suffering from social anxiety, hiding how you really feel, is second nature.

The last two years of our relationship, we had sex maybe 10 times. While we grew further and further apart I hid at home losing myself in weed and porn. In hindsight I had developed severe emotional problems. I had growing social anxiety, I was depressed, I was lonely and nobody knew how I felt. My GF and I didn't talk while our bond, which had been beautiful and strong, disappeared before our eyes. Until a day came that she ended the relationship, we had been together for 6 years. At that time I felt like she deserved better than a sad, insecure porn addict and I let her go. I couldn't even really cry, so far detached was I from my emotions.

After that I was a broken man, I was alone and disappointed by who I had become. But pain is a good teacher and I quit porn. After weeks of crying and letting the pain in I slowly started feeling better. I found a job in marketing, escaping life as a bartender, and I quit porn. I started dating, learning pickup techniques and reading red pill books as wel as books on psychology and self esteem.

After a while I met a girl, she was fun and more mature then my last GF. You know the saying: behind every great man stands a greater woman? That's her for me. She saw my potential and helped me grow, a lot! The funny thing is that I help her grow too. For you socially awkward, introverts out there: we have skills that extraverts don't have and are jealous off.

So this is where I am now: I see a psychologist every week (for social anxiety, emotional restriction and feeling unworthy) I have a job that pushes me to develop social skills, I have more friends and I am slowly getting better and better. But despite all this my porn addiction has returned! Not as heavy as it was, but it's here nonetheless. And I swear to you, when I watch porn and fap, I feel 5 times more socially anxious the next couple of days. It has an instant effect on how I feel. I haven't watched porn or fapped now for 2 weeks and I'm planning to never do it again.

This is the first time that I can directly see the damage that porn does to my mind. My mind thinks that porn is more important then real human interaction. It is being tricked into believing that this is actual human intimacy. It is not our fault! Our mind thinks it's making the right decision. I hope my sad little story contains a hint of inspiration. I wish everybody here the strength to quit PMO and to live a happy and fulfilling life. Thanks for reading.

Wes

Helpful resources:

Movies
Netflix: Hot girls wanted
Why I quit porn:

Books on self esteem and social anxiety
The six pillars of self esteem - Nathaniel Branden
Schema therapy - Jeffrey E Young
No more mister nice guy - Robert Glover