Quitting Porn and Weed

Hello everyone, I’m 22 years old, and want to reclaim my own experience of life.

(Substance Abuse):
I replaced a 2 year vaping habit with reading when I was 18 within 6 months.

I’ve been smoking weed since I was 14, and I rarely smoked until 16 when I’d say the addiction developed.
Although applying this principle of replacement to smoking weed, I would always start up again in a couple of weeks. I had to learn to develop boundaries, deal with external and internal toxic behavior, and learn to effectively and respectfully develop emotional communication with my family, and these stressors brought me back each time.

(Sexual Implications and Exploration):
I started masturbating when I was 11, during sex ed in elementary school. The next year I started watching porn and it became a daily routine, first thing when I got home. I even did it once on the side of the neighbor’s house behind their bush when we had no internet. When my dad divorced my mom, a large portion of his stress was due to not having sex, because he would try to while she was sleeping, and eventually she found out after chasing him around that he had other affairs, who knows how many, one of which he just married.

(Knowing Myself):
I didn’t think I had a problem until a high school teacher showed me how argumentative, competitive, and fragile my sense of self was. I was unique in my actions and abilities, but consistent with my dad for we had the same reasons behind our behaviors: symbolic happiness - sex, power, and wealth.

(Faith and Community):
High expectations, and critical points in my life would continue to set me back to smoking, fapping, and other forms of pleasure. I had no faith in myself, and had lost mine in God.

I started reading the Bible when I was 18, and since then I try to read a chapter a day. I’ve went to large churches and small ones, but I feel it’s these habits that kindle my lack of communication and social anxiety that hinder me from staying committed to one.

My mom would argue that weed and porn isn’t a big deal, and enabled me in tough times - especially through mania and depression. I feel my dad wouldn’t be able to express support if I told him about my decision to be sober from these activities.

(Health Issues):
(Mental Illness):
I developed bipolar disorder at 18 and it was hard not to blame myself with the fact that adolescent use of weed can exacerbate mental illness. However, without the significantly reduced life expectancy, the periodic horror I engulfed myself and everyone around me, the idea that this could’ve been preventable, I may have never learned the importance of taking care of myself via diet and exercise. For the past year, I’ve been keeping up to date on the latest studies and implementing what I learn (simply comes back to exercise and certain foods), and I’m against pharmaceutical intervention.

(Sexual Dysfunction):
I’ve only had one girlfriend, and we had sex so much that I brought up that we ought to be doing other things with our time, which she said hit home. I delved deeper into weed, started smoking cigarettes socially and vaping, and didn’t make time for her, or us. Eventually, and with other girls since then, I’d have trouble having orgasms, and my dick would go soft mid session. As bipolar episodes took their toll, the people in my life faded away, and I’d masturbate more and more.

(Replacement):
My deepest insecurity of many, or perhaps all, was singing and dancing. I loved it as a baby and somewhere along the line I learned that it wasn’t for “men.” By singing and learning how to do so, I feel more confident in myself, it gives me stimulation so I’m not bored, complements my guitar playing, and boosts my productivity.

The other is guitar playing. I played practically everyday from 8-14. I stopped because I was doing it for the wrong reasons: seeking approval of others. I just thought I’d make a bunch of friends and meet a bunch of girls if I could wow them with a guitar solo.

I stopped all through high school and the past few years I’ve started humbling myself with theory and chords, basic along with the complex. I’ve had to lower my expectations to remove the frustration from the time I stopped playing, and remember that it’s all about what I do now.

(Conclusion):
My intention now is to focus on these things, and come chat with you all and stay focused. I appreciate anyone who has made it this far and I encourage all of us to keep one foot in front of the other, building up ourselves and each other one brick at a time.

Although I would find reasons to grow and live on my own terms, I would relinquish them when persuaded otherwise, by internal and external doubts, and so it seems that these habits are ones that need to be extricated in order for me to be a functional, happy human being. They take time away from what really matters: the furthering and growth of the self, and the improvement in the lives of others.

I’m here today to embark on a lifelong journey - to learn and speak with others and grow with them. The last time I smoked was this weekend, and I’d say it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve beat my meat, which is where I’ve always given into both. For now I’m staying focused by learning about handiwork and fixing all the things that break down around the house that my mom, sister, and I share.

To further my accountability, I’m sharing my life here in hopes that we can encourage each other to prosper, and be honest if we fail. But for me, failure isn’t an option. The difference I see now to make this new lifestyle stick is my determination, my replacements, my belief in God and the rest of us, my communication with others, my understanding of mitigating social stressors, my desire to live by example and make a difference in the world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.