Quitting Porn Journal - I was a monk and lived at a Vipassana center

A group for Buddhist Fapstronauts to connect.

  1. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone,

    My name is Manu and I've struggled with porn since I was 16. Just to give you a little background, I was a monk for 15 months and that lead me to the longest streak I've ever had which was 10 months. I also lived at an SN Goenka Vipassana center for a year in central California, but during that time my longest streak was still 3 months.

    I've just started eating an Ayurvedic diet and feel like it's time to really give NoFap another try. I lead a small meditation group here in LA and am really hoping that by overcoming this I can also help others who have struggled with the same thing.

    So moving forward, every day I'll be posting about how I'm doing and I'm looking forward to getting to know some other Buddhist Fapstronauts.

    @Dovahkin101 @Paranimmita
     

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  2. Dovahkin101

    Dovahkin101 Fapstronaut

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    I've had this idea in my mind of basically overcoming PMO all on my own without any help, I think maybe through a pathological idea of extreme individualism. Which is I think in a way in accordance with the principles of the Dharma, that you can only save yourself, but its important to have a community to help us along the path. It might not be essential to have help to overcome porn on your own since others have done it, but I think that support and talking ith others can go a long way, so I hope we all can help each other
     
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  3. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    @Dovahkin101 Ya, one of the major realizations I had when I was a monk was that I couldn't become liberated without caring about others more. I also realized that I really didn't care about myself as much as a cared about others and unless I was seeking liberation for the sake of others it was an unattainable goal.
     
  4. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    Well, today I felt super lonely and have been kind of obsessing about the dating apps, which haven't been going well... I decided to delete TickTok because it might as well be pre-porn and that was tough. I ate super healthy and went for a walk, but haven't been able to do anything work-wise. Anyways, we'll see what tomorrow brings.
     
  5. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    Ended up almost forgetting to post today. Today I still wasn't able to do much of anything. I have a date for tomorrow, which should be interesting. I also just talked to an ex-girlfriend on the phone that I had in Sri Lanka and she cheered me up a lot surprisingly. I realized that I really need to take more pride in being a spiritual person following spiritual goals. I keep getting down on myself for not having a job, but I think if I meditate every day and view spirituality as my job in a way a lot of these feels will lessen.
     
  6. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    Well, I ended up not blogging yesterday because I ended up meeting this girl who came home with me. In my mind, I wasn't going to count sex as being rest for my reboot, but I do worry a little bit about if that's a good idea. Honestly, I've been so lonely lately and just finally managed to meet a girl I clicked with so I don't really see it as a negative. I also went on another date tonight which went well.

    I'm still not happy about 3 things right now. One, my productivity level. Two, that even after I had sex twice I ended up masturbating once while we were in bed together because I was ready to go a third time and she couldn't. Since I already got myself worked up I just couldn't stop myself. I don't think I'm going to count this still as a reset though because it happened when we were together and I thought we were going to have sex again. The third thing I'm not happy about is on these dates I did end up drink a little and eating a little bit of food I probably shouldn't of.

    Still, overall I still feel optimistic and less lonely than I normally would. I also feel quite determined to not look at any porn and to continue eating healthy. So with that said we'll see what tomorrow brings.
     
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  7. Dovahkin101

    Dovahkin101 Fapstronaut

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    Just find what works for you I guess. For some guys sex can be a gateway to porn again, for others such as married men it probably would be helpful to be more intimate with their partner.
     
  8. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

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    Hi @ManuTheSpiritAnimal ! Good to know one more fellow Buddhist :).

    I believe getting rid of P is important to reduce sexual craving, which goes a long way in helping us reduce and eventually eliminate suffering.

    That's a noble intention. Teaching by example.
    Besides that, how will overcoming P will help you? Why is this important to you?

    Unfortunately, most social media is like that. When I decided to cut P from my life I had a period where I made it a point to stay away from Instagram, Facebook and dating apps. Later on, after I felt it was "safer" for me, I got back to using social media. That will depend on each person. Above everything else you need to be honest with yourself. You probably know what helps you and what makes it more difficult.

    Aren't you keeping the five precepts? :)

    I don't quite understand which mode are you doing. Is it P-Mode (just avoiding P)? Or are you allowing sex, but not M? Here's a page with the different modes as a reference:
    https://nofap.com/rebooting/


    Let us know how it goes! And all the best! :)


    With metta
     
  9. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    Hey @pancabalani,

    I think porn has been the number one thing holding me back spiritually just due to the amount of craving around it. This has really been a long battle off and on since I was 16.

    I believe that the precept which most people take as meaning to refrain from all alcohol to mean I will not become intoxicated to the point of heedlessness, which in my mind is excessive drinking. I don't believe in superstition and to me, the massive taboo around alcohol is exactly that. I've drank many times and can see the results for myself so as far as I'm concerned I'm good. It's a good question though.

    I don't see a mode that quite reflects what I'm doing so I would say it's refraining from PMO, but I make an exception for when I'm actually having sex. To me, that makes to most sense, even though I might end up changing it later if dating becomes too much.

    Thanks for the questions, it's nice to get some feedback. I was starting to think no one else was reading what I wrote except the friends I already knew before starting this.

    If you'd like to join my spiritual/Buddhist group on FB it's called Humble Stature. I'm still in the process of launching a YouTube and a website, so if you're interested I'll be sure to let you know when it's up.
     
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  10. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    So yesterday I had my group meditation and I was really happy with it, we actually got some good footage this time. I feel like I'm slowly getting to the point where I can feel confident teaching others about meditation. In another month I think things will be good.

    I hadn't been as strict with my Ayurvedic diet the past 3 nights, but now I'm getting back on track. I feel like I've been more lenient with myself and that's helped me not just give up.

    Even though I deleted TikTok, I've been using IG more often, and honestly, I think it's just as bad. I also now have these 2 girls I'm dating and probably still spending more time on dating apps than I should, however, I think it's at a manageable level right now. I tend to get frustrated with the apps and delete them anyways after a week so I'm just going to let nature run its course.

    I'm still trying to post here every day till I get to 40 days, at which point I'll see where I'm at. See you tomorrow. :)
     
  11. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

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    I get it. I was taught that the precepts are clear-cut guidelines to avoid getting into trouble later down the line. That's why they are most effective if you take them as all or nothing. You kill or you don't kill. You get intoxicated by taking alcohol or drugs (more or less) or you don't get intoxicated at all. The problem with drinking a little bit is that eventually you might drink more and get fully drunk. And when you get drunk you can easily break any other of the precepts (because you're not in control anymore). The only way you can be sure of not breaking the other precepts by heedlessness (caused by intoxicants) is by giving up alcohol and drugs entirely. That way the chances of screwing up are ZERO.

    You can adapt the precepts to fit your taste, or you can adapt yourself to the precepts :)
     
  12. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    @pancabalani

    Ya I talked to a lot of monks and most of them do see it that way. The thing is though, I think it's kind of a crutch, and perhaps a necessary one for many, but for me, it's about Truth. As far as drugs go, I have also done Ayahuasca and mushrooms once in my life and I learned a lot about reality and myself. I don't have any will to do them again, but I really think experiencing these things once in your life can be very spiritually beneficial.

    Like this whole idea that you can't think for yourself and therefore must follow blindly always felt very off to me. From a spiritual perspective, even doing these things and going too far can be a very positive learning experience. Also, since the ultimate goal of vipassana or spiritual work is insight, I find that these things can be very insightful with the right mentality when you take them. Personally, I feel like those who take risks often become wiser faster than those who stay in their comfort zone.

    Even in regard to the precepts as a whole, I think they are meant to guide and not necessarily be "commandments" like in the Christian sense. Like I am happy to screw up, it's when I am not continually gaining insight that I believe I have a problem.
     
  13. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    So today was pretty tough and I was really feeling lonely. This sense of not having enough female sexual attention has been something that I've really tried to look at all day to see if maybe I can free myself from its hold. I can't say I've had much luck though. I still really haven't had any desire to look at porn though, so that's progress in a way.

    I ended up talking to the girl I went on a date with on Sunday and she is coming over tomorrow. We'll probably have sex, even though that's never a sure thing. She's beautiful, and even though we have chemistry she isn't really into anything spiritual, so I don't see long-term potential.

    I still feel like the only hope of me being able to get some peace of mind sexually is to have a loving long term girlfriend, which is what I'm looking for, but since I basically plan on living like a monk (having few positions, living in a trailer at a meditation center, and focusing most of my energy on meditation) I know that this is going to be a major uphill battle. We'll see what happens though.
     
  14. glennM

    glennM Fapstronaut

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    Agreed - I'm new here and no expert but my expectation is that my wife will be thrilled to have more intimacy and knowing that I'm not looking at other women through porn.

    Good luck Manu, stick with it, roll with the punches and always get back up. That is what defines success - getting back up and focusing on your goal. You can do it!
     
  15. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    Well, I'm starting over again. After going on a camping trip with my friends, all that indulgence in eating crap, drinking and taking an edible (which I seriously regret) it lowered my guard and caused me to relapse.

    Since then for the last 2 weeks it's been hard to find the hear to start again, but here I am.

    One of the major chances I'm making this time is no more dating apps. I've already put all my accounts on hold. Also, no Tiktok or IG (unless I need to upload something I've created).

    In addition, I am going to post on here whenever I feel like relapsing just to share and get support. As probably everyone here knows, trying to quite porn is hard.

    This time I'm going for 90 days as well. I want a full reboot. Time to get serious and overcome this.
     
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  16. Dovahkin101

    Dovahkin101 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah man I'm here with you. I'm on day 3 or 4 now. I heard from Universal Man that you relapse because of emotional reasons and I think that's exactly right. A couple of times I have prevented relapse from asking myself what is making me feel upset to go to porn. It could have been something minor like feeling irritated to go to work or something like that. I feel like its essential to address those emotions under the porn urges or else I don't have much chance of overcoming porn. When I prevented those relapses I felt really good, like I had a choice and for unraveling those emotions that was making me feel stuck.
     
  17. ManuTheSpiritAnimal

    ManuTheSpiritAnimal Fapstronaut

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    It's almost 1 am here but I've been going strong and super productive. The only thing is that I have found myself back at the dating apps and just looked at a little tiktok.... I need to really think more about why I did that, but I just wanted to post here to keep myself accountable. I'll write some more tomorrow.
     

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