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Quitting the oldest of my addictions.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Klmanford, Dec 9, 2020.

  1. Klmanford

    Klmanford New Fapstronaut

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    Hi there,

    This is my first time sharing so apologies if its long winded.
    In March next year i'll be 35.
    I discovered a PMO when I was maybe 10 or 11.
    Through my teenage years PMO was always seen as 'normal', all my friends seemed to be doing the same thing. No one really spoke that much about it apart from 'locker talk'.

    When I was 16 I lost my Dad to cancer and shortly after became addicted to smoking Weed along with just cigarettes in general. I used weed to numb the pain I was feeling and to escape the reality I found myself in.

    At 22 I moved from my small town to a City and shortly after discovered Coke, Ecstasy, Ketamine and Valium. These substances never became a every day thing like Weed and cigarettes and years later when I was maybe 27 I got arrested for possesion (weed). I was only cautioned and no legal action was taken. However the strip search and hours in a police cell was a wake up call. That night I quit smoking weed and never relapsed! To this day, its been close to 9 years and no relapse. The first few weeks were a nightmare but I got through them and then it became quite manageable. The same was to be said for when I quit smoking cigarettes, first few weeks were tough but after that I found it (dare I say) surprisingly easy. 5 years currently - no relapse.

    It took years later before I addressed my issues with "party drugs" and during those years there was some alarming weeks and months where I got hooked on Ketamine and Coke. Luckily I recognised where it was going and put a stop to it, I stoped using every week but I didn't quit entirely. I came to the realisation, years later, that as long as I drank booze there was always gonna be the chance it would lead to coke and pills etc.
    So at 32 I quit drinking and everything that goes along with. In may 2021 It will be three years sober! No relapse and to be honest my urges have never really been very high, I found it manageable.

    So here I am at 34, I have dealt with my addiction with;

    Weed - Smoked daily for 9 years - 8 years clean
    Cigarettes - Smoked daily for 13 years - 5 Years clean
    Coke/MDMA/Valium/Ketamine - Used sporadically over a 10 year period -2 years clean
    Alcohol - Proabably at least once a week for 16 years - 2 years clean.

    So here we are in the shit show of a year that is 2020 and the year of Covid 19. Recently where I am in the world has just left a second national lockdown.
    During this lockdown I became full blown addicted to PMO.

    Through out my life since first discovering PMO at 10/11 I have used it close to daily.
    I remember being a kid and printing black a white pictures off the internet of naked ladies, buying magazines as I got older and then eventually partaking in the world of internet porn.

    I have always suspected I had a sex addiction. I've often slept with people for the sake of sleeping with them and have on several occasions slept with friends current or ex partners, resulting in loss of friendships over the years.
    I never once suspected that my use of porn was linked to how I behaved towards others sexually as I just assumed "Well everyone watches porn."

    I never thought that there was big problem with the fact that as soon as my girlfriend at the time would leave for work I would make a coffee, sit down at the computer and check in with my website of choice to see what was new.
    Never thought there was a problem that I would masterbate daily and 99% of the time using a video or image to help achieve that.

    This year my eyes were opened when I started using compulsively. Even when I didn't want to look (I was at work or cooking or eating) I had to look. Every night after I would masterbate I would say to myself "This needs to end" but it would just repeat the next day.

    I finally followed through and deleted everything. Videos I'd held onto for years of ex girlfriends etc. I deleted it all. Sat down and watched Ted talks, read articles and listened to podcasts about porn addiction and was so relieved to know I wasn't alone. I confided in a few friends and whilst they were supportive I could tell they didn't fully understand the issue but either way I was determined. I had overcome so many addictions before, I knew what I was in for, I was an expert at quitting things that were harmfull to me.

    I LASTED TWO WEEKS!

    Two weeks! Me the guy who walked away from weed and never looked back after 9 years of smoking daily. The guy who never so much had one drag of a cigarette after packing them in 13 years after first starting. I had overcome addiction issues with hard drugs and yet with PMO, I lasted two weeks!

    My relapse lasted about a week. During that week I was in the throes of my addiction. Everything played second fiddle to porn. I didn't enjoy music, TV or food. Life took a backseat. Finally I confessed to a friend I had confided in earlier when I first tried to quit. I told her I had relapsed and just telling her was a huge relief and helped me break the shame spiral going on in my head.

    So this brings us up to date. It's been two days since I told my friend. Everyone I have told has (as I said) been supportive but not fully understanding so I decided to come here in hopes that talking to people who've had similar struggles will help.

    I'm sorry for going on so long but I felt establishing my addiction issue and past triumphs would only help in getting across just how difficult this is to kick.

    Thank you for reading!
     
  2. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    That was a really interesting first post and full of introspection about your 'relationship' with porn. I connected with your comments as I too (a couple of years ago) gave up smoking. Like you it was tough at the beginning but once the nicotine lost it's hold of me, the rest kind of fitted into place and now I can't imagine having a cigarette. This is what I am looking for with my addiction to porn. It's very clear to me that my porn addiction was/is off the scale compared to my smoking addiction and yet everyone talks about the hold cigarettes can have on a person but you hear very little about porn's hold over people. I guess that is because porn isn't something considered worthy of open and public discussion. But trust me, I have found it so incredibly harder to abstain from porn than tobacco.
    It is possible to dump porn from your life and there are enough success stories here to prove that. But don't be under any illusion that this is a tough challenge. You lasted two weeks but actually from my perspective, that is a success story. Most people will not ever be able to go cold turkey on porn. It is a gradual weaning off that seems to be the most effective. So put all your energies into eliminating porn from your life but do not be disheartened if it takes many attempts to do so. Just keep trying.
     
  3. Klmanford

    Klmanford New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for reading!
    I appreciate the support. This community seems really supportive.
     

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