Rant - friendzone

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Cognac, Oct 31, 2019.

  1. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

    Another reason to ask girls out on dates FAST. I get friendzoned once every LOOOONG while and used to just ditch out at that point. But next time a girl tries this I'll say "sure, as long as you'll be my winggirl" if I actually would like her as a friend. Real friends are at least willing to wing, even if they don't have the skills/experience for it.
    Cognac likes this.
  2. Cognac

    Cognac Fapstronaut

    Yeah I asked her to go out fairly quickly..
    The good rule to stick by is ask twice. Because the first time legit can be a fluke. It she still says no after the second and doesn't try and make CONCRETE plans. Then you cut. Bye Felicia
  3. Yeah, I disagree with just about every word you just said there. Women are just as hurt by rejection as men. But most of us don't whine and complain about a guy saying he just wants to be friends. Because we don't feel entitled to reciprocation of our romantic interest. Nor should we. Nobody owes anybody romantic interest. There's absolutely nothing wrong with deciding you don't want to date someone, even if you previously thought you might want to. I'm fine with someone saying that's a bit annoying, or they're disappointed, but I'm not okay with dudes acting like women are bad people for not dating them and wanting to be friends. That's stupid.
  4. Sounds reasonable, if you aren't interested in making any female friends. So what's the point in complaining about it, and acting like she did something wrong to you? She didn't. She rejected you, because she's not interested in you. There is nothing wrong with that.
  5. I’m still casual friends with two women that rejected me. I guess I’m not fully understanding some men’s interruption of friendzone. I have no ulterior motives in staying friendly with these two women. I see no problem with staying friends with a woman if there’s mutual respect. I’m not harassing them and they aren’t bothering me in anyway.

    There’s another woman that rejected me that I want no contact with whatsoever. I see now that she’s not a good person.

    It’s a case by case thing. All women are different and all men are different.
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  6. Demodectic

    Demodectic Fapstronaut

    If she seemed attracted at first it means you did not pass her "shit tests" so where then relegated to the friendzone. But those kind of girls dont want to cut you completely loose so they will string you along with "false hope" that a romantic randevouz may be forthcoming in the future and they will use you for free rides, free favors, lend me money, help me move my furniture, fix my dripping faucet, an emotional tampon and so forth.

    Thats why its wise to have more than one prospect and when a girl cancels a date more than once just cross her off your list. Dont hang all your hope from a single rope. This is just like sales, you cant place all your attention on a single prospect/customer. Thats why guys get so devastated because its like risking your entire life savings on a single risky day-trade and then KABOOM. Diversify your options.
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  7. cr7da8055

    cr7da8055 Fapstronaut

    Yeah man, experienced that 2 years back, we were friends initially and just when I thought we were more than that, she told me how she was still thinking about her old guy! Man I spent so much time consoling her that night, and she later said she was lucky to have a friend like me. We are still like in the same class, and we haven’t talked properly for a long time.
    Cognac likes this.
  8. I think that's their way of just trying to get the message across that they don't want to date you. I think some women don't realize how frustrating it is for guys, but I'm not sure what else they can do. Best to just take this loss and move on. Pick your head up and give the next one 100%.
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  9. If she's being dodgy like that then it was just a platitude. She may have just said she wanted to hang out but not really meant it. Like how you laugh at people's jokes even if you don't think they're funny.
  10. Cognac

    Cognac Fapstronaut

    Yeah bro it's odd.

    At the end of the day, women (and men) like attention and they like having someone to shoot the shit with about life.
    I believe that's what she wanted with me. However ... I noticed that If I send her a snap chat or some such and there's a woman's arm or whatever in the background she doesn't respond.
    She doesn't like the idea that I might be working on something else.
    Not only to they not want to go out with you but they want you to stay available.
    Haha a girl that friendzoned me for years called me one night for a booty call.
    There's always hope ;)
  11. True. Women are still a mystery sometimes. She could be keeping you in the back pocket and secretly likes you but she's just caught up with some other guy right now. Personally women dating other guys is a huge turn off for me and I don't want to have anything to do with them if they're seeing someone. I don't know, go with your gut.
  12. Respectfully, I do not think anyone argues a woman is a bad person for declining to date a man. It's the gathering behavior that troubles men. We'd much rather be cut off entirely than given a small opening to eventually begin a relationship. Remember, we're hunters, if we still see a tiny little chance we may believe we have a shot. It's not a woman's fault this happens, but it's a reality that both sexes would do well to realize and acknowledge in their post-rejection interactions.

    Further, I never stated that women feel fewer negative emotions upon rejection. Women take rejection quite personally, and in the short term may even feel far worse (men are eternal optimists, as the OP's post suggests he still remains optimistic). All adult humans own the right to choose partners which should never be infringed. However, it's very difficult to argue that women's gathering behavior of unsuitable men fails to exist. Consider the pathological e-girl type who assembles beta-males on social media for profit. The male equivalent of this largely does not exist due to the difference between the sexes.

    Perhaps rejected women display a greater capacity for post-rejection friendship to men, but in general most men will maintain/entertain feelings for a woman who rejected him if the two remain in close contact. If I'm wrong about this, why do so many men note their frustrations at this phenomenon? Keeping that "friendship" burning only fans the man's feelings. Remember, we're hunters so we sense an opening and keep hope. This isn't to blame women, but to pragmatically note that it's far more healthy to simply not be friends after a rejection, and while this might not be the nicest in the short-term it's definitely the best in the long term.
    cr7da8055 likes this.
  13. Cognac

    Cognac Fapstronaut

    Women are definitely NOT bad people for not wanting to date someone. That's perfectly fine and extremely normal.
    Women however, and this isn't taking a shot at women it's reality.. women are big fans of carrots on sticks. They like to throw out little hints or make it seem possible that the friendship could be more to keep the guy in the friendship. They don't want you to move and because there's no possibility for a relationship. They want you to stick around and think you have a chance.
    This is actually more true with women who are frequently single I noticed.
  14. Exactly. Look, I get that it can be frustrating for someone to not return your interest, but I'm really sick of some of these comments acting as if women are some evil creatures for... having friends? They see it as stringing along or something, but when they tell you they aren't interested but want to be friends, that is NOT stringing you along. That's being friends. If you don't want to be friends, that's fine, but don't act like the girl is a b**** for wanting to be friends. That's ridiculous. If a woman doesn't want to date you, but you are friends, she's not some succubus b**** for asking you to drive her to the airport or something. That's what friends do for each other.

    This isn't all directed at the OP, but some of the comments here are just stupid. Which always happens with these threads about the "friendzone." It seems like some of you guys just don't understand what it means to be a good friend. Or you're just not interested in being a good friend to a woman, unless they're going to date you. Which fine, whatever, that's your choice. But don't demonize the woman for your lack of interest in being friends with her. She isn't doing anything wrong by trying to be friends with you. She's not manipulating you and "stringing you along." She's just being a normal person. Everyone likes to have friends. People ask their friends if they will drive them to the airport. There's nothing evil and manipulative about that.
  15. Respectfully, yes, they absolutely do. lol you just haven't seen it apparently. Go watch some "nice guys" videos from SorrowTV on youtube.

    The problem is that you view women having male friends as women "gathering" men to lead them on and give them false hope of a potential romance. Which is ridiculous. You're assigning a ton of negative intent onto women who are just living their life and having friendships, like any other normal person. You assume they are "gathering" men and trying to manipulate them, and that's completely unfair. That's what the problem is.

    If a woman says she doesn't want to date you, but maybe you can be friends, and you continue to think "maybe I'll have a chance with her," only to be rejected again a year down the line, that's on YOU. She already said she isn't interested. Which is why I say it's perfectly fine if men say no, I'm not interested in being friends with you, because I want more than that, and you aren't interested, so I need to move on. That's perfectly appropriate and fine. What's not fine is guys saying "oh okay, sure, we can be friends" and then complaining that their friend isn't into them, and she's "stringing them along," etc, when she already made her feelings perfectly clear.

    I understand being annoyed if you're in the OP's situation, as it seems like that girl wasn't super clear on her intentions. But I hear this same crap from guys all the time about women who were VERY clear. That's not the woman's fault, and it's not her job to be aware of that in "post-rejection interactions." That's your job, if you can't handle being friends with a girl you're attracted to, to say that and move on, not keep hanging around and hoping she'll change her mind, and then getting mad when she doesn't. Which, I'm sorry, is basically the situation with almost every single "friendzone" complaining thread I've ever seen. The girl says she just wants to be friends, the guy agrees and then continues to pursue her and cater to her for months, and then he gets mad at her for stringing him along when he asks her out again and she says no... again. In that situation, the woman did absolutely nothing wrong, and the dude needs to grow up.

    I've already repeatedly said that I have no issue with men choosing not to be friends with someone they have feelings for. I've had to cut out people like that myself, if they weren't into me, because it was too hard to be around them. That's fine.

    But with all due respect, your opinion that this is not about blaming women is very much the minority in almost all "friendzone" conversations I've ever had. A vast majority of men definitely blame women for "friendzoning" them (i.e., not returning their romantic interest), and that's definitely what it's about. So it's good that you don't have that view, but you can't act like nobody else does. They definitely do. And those are the people I have a problem with. If you don't have that view, then I have no problem with you, and my comments are not directed at you.
  16. I mean, I'm not saying women like that don't exist, but I don't know that I've ever met a woman like that. Most of the women I know, myself included, are very uncomfortable with guys continuing to think they might have a chance with them, after they've explicitly stated that they aren't interested. In fact, those are the situations that generally make me have to say, "Okay, never mind, we can't be friends, because you are misinterpreting my friendship as potential romantic interest, and I don't want to lead you on."

    I'm not saying women like that aren't out there, I'm just saying that it's completely wrong and unfair to attribute that motivation to any woman who ever wants to just be friends with a guy. Which is what a lot of people in these comments seem to be doing. If a woman is stringing a guy along and trying to make him think he has a chance, so she can get something from him, that's obviously wrong. And just to add, it's also wrong when men do that, and they absolutely do that too.

    But my point is that I think the term "friendzoning" needs to die. Because stringing someone along so you can get something from them is NOT friendship. And on the flip side, wanting to still be friends with a guy because you enjoy their company, but you aren't romantically interested in them, is not a bad thing, and women shouldn't be demonized for that. The problem with the term "friendzone" is that it is FAR too often used to describe the latter example, rather than the former. The former I definitely agree is wrong. But it gets conflated with the latter, which is incredibly annoying.
  17. I think we're both correct here.

    1. Yes bitter men exist, and they blame women for their own weakness. I admit this, and it bothers me. I long ago learned to separate myself from uninterested women.

    2. It's not women's OR men's fault that men possess an easily stoked, often entirely misguided, sense of false hope after a rejection. It's just a fact of our biology. Without experience and guidance men will cling to the smallest shred of a chance, and we must learn and grow past this. Some men never learn this.

    My wish is for women to pragmatically understand that cutting men off post-rejection, AND for men to pragmatically grasp that cutting women off after rejection serves both their interests in the long term. It would prevent many angry, even violent, reactions when misguided men lash out once reality hits that they really have no chance. It also prevents women from feeling weird/awkward/guilty when a heartbroken man who they thought was a friend finally lays his feelings bare after years of maintaining hope.

    Have a good day!
    Cognac likes this.
  18. Yes, I agree. But I think a lot of people here on these forums would NOT agree with you on this. So those are the people I'm speaking to.

    I've seen soooo many people here act like women are horrible, evil creatures for not wanting to date them, and if they even try to do anything nice to them, they interpret that as potential romance, and get mad when they get rejected again. It's good that you recognize that's stupid, but a lot of guys here don't. So as I said, my beef isn't with you.

    Well, that can be true some of the time, sure. But I don't think it's always true. I've had a lot of great friendships with men, even after dating each other and breaking up. It just depends on the situation. But I agree that in probably most situations, if you ask someone out and they reject you, it's probably best not to hang around and try to be friends.

    But then again, even that depends on the situation. My husband was not interested in me when we first met. I eventually decided I didn't want to hang around and hope he changes his mind, so I moved on, ended up dating someone else, and then realized what I really wanted was him, and I was willing to wait a little longer and see what happnes. And we've been happily married for 6 years now. So you never know. There aren't solid rules on this stuff, but proceeding with caution and not getting your hopes up is always a good idea. When I decided to break it off with that other guy, and see what happens with my husband, I had a mindset of "Let's see how this goes, but if it doesn't go anywhere soon, that's fine." I was pretty happy with myself and God and being single for a while, so I wasn't desperate for him to date me or anything. So it really depends on a lot of factors.

    But again, just to be clear, I have no beef with you. I think we mostly agree. I wasn't really directing any of this toward you.
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  19. Awesome. I like brisket and steak, so I'm not interested in your beef.

    I'm a bit more hard-line about friendships. Frankly, I do not believe in male-female friendships within my potential dating age range. I've had a quite rough dating/marital history, so I believe in minimizing interactions with women to professional/collegial OR romantic. I believe that men only gain enough strength to perform optimally as men with male friendships and that any female friendship enervates a man's vitality.

    Most people, yourself included, do not agree with this view. However, I argue from a most-harm/least-harm framework.

    Would much anger, strife, and even loss of life be prevented if men and women maintained separate spheres? Yes.

    And that's the end of my chain of logic. I find the simplest possible solution, even if it means that some folks might lose friends, and I roll with that answer.

    Again, have a great day. I'm off to enjoy my brisket.
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  20. Get_It

    Get_It Fapstronaut

    You ever read Rollo Tomassi's "The Rational Male"? He's got a great chapter regarding the subject of male-female friendship, he's just on target so much that it red-pilled the hell out of me.
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