Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Arbiter, Jan 3, 2020.

  1. Arbiter

    Arbiter Fapstronaut

    This is it.
    A little backstory: I had a girlfriend only once in my life (we were together for a year and a half) things were going really well, she was really an amazing person and we loved each other really much. But then our lives have taken different paths and we changed as people (She became a hardcore feminist, dont get me wrong I respect all opinions but that was too much, she always had to shove that fact and other ideas in my face and I really didnt like it) and it went downhill from there and we broke up. That was a few years ago.

    A little about me:
    I go the the gym 4 years already training 5 times a week
    I play guitar in a band
    I have a stable job
    Im short (5"5') (166 cm)

    Since then I had absolutley zero luck in finding a relationship (not for the lack of trying) except one girl who was polyamouros (she has slept with over 40 men, I did not know that until the very last moment) she basically used me for sex and ghosted me the next day. I never judge people who sleep around with many partners or whatever. Its their body and their right to do so. I dont care.

    Remember I said "not for the lack of trying"? Yeah.
    I think Ive tried everything under the sun and everything possible when I tried to date women; being a jerk, being a gentleman, being myself, being funny, not being desperate and needy etc... and its always the same result; either a bold NO, being friendzoned or ghosted after few days.

    I think this really has something to do with my looks, especially my height. Some women said they wouldnt date me because Im too short for them (and they are 5"4 or 5"3, even could be the same height as me, wtf!) and some women probably dont feel comfortable telling me this so they ghost me instead.
    This negative experience is showing me that Looks > personality. Not that personality doesnt matter entirely, but it comes second to your looks. If you are bad at the looks department, your personality simply just doesnt matter.

    I guess women dont want me. Fine. The game is rigged against me and Im not mad, thats the hand Ive been dealt with and thats fine. No one is at fault but me.
    But the feeling of loneliness I get to feel after each time I try to date and it doesnt work out is just horrible, and seeing those women immidietly go to another guy just sucks man. Ruins my confidence over and over again.

    Ive been feeling very lonely for the past few years and I have tried to overcome it but it still comes back from time to time, to the point where I feel depressed sometimes and cry myself to sleep.
    As for the outside world, I have talked about this with a good friend of mine but he really doesnt know what to do. I heared all the regular stuff about "just be yourself bro", "just take a shower bro", "just get a haircut bro", "just be rich bro", "its a numbers game", "there are plenty of fish in the sea", "dont worry, itll come someday"
    I have been masking my loneliness and lack of relationships and luck with women behind Asexuality. Its just too embarrassing for me to tell the truth.
    Yeah I know its not healthy but I guess its some sort of a coping mechanism.

    And I dont need sex, fuck that, that is the last thing I need from a relationship.
    I just want to be hugged and loved man, is it really too much to ask for?
    I miss the feeling of being loved and really meaning something to someone.
    Fuck man Im already in tears from opening up about this. I hope some day something will change and Ill be able to be loved again.

    I am sorry if it sounds like an incel post of some sort, I really do not mean to be like this and I dont support incels at all. Its years of bottling up these feelings and really having no way out. Im stuck. For now I have given up on relationships and dating women, the game is just rigged and I better not play it. I cant afford getting hurt again and the feelings of loneliness are getting stronger with each day and one day it will be too much for me to handle.

    All I can say is that I really need help and advice.
    Thank you for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2020
  2. Decided

    Decided Fapstronaut

    Hang in there. Find something else to focus on, if you can, education, community involvement (volunteer at a charity), maybe even sign up for a dancing class or a meetup group.
    Sometimes these activities may seem lame but they can be extremely rewarding if we let go of our desires and / or ideas about where we are supposed to be at this time.
    Maybe consider working on rooting your self-confidence in your own goals and values rather than in the acceptance by others. I say this with only 2 days in my current streak but I've been where you are. You can stop caring about dating but don't let that grow into not caring about yourself. Keep at it with the gym, keep your place clean, don't miss any of the usual self care habits. Keep posting. Consider having the shoe on the other foot. A woman asks you out but you are not interested and you say no. Do you judge her? Are you working out something from the past? I don't expect you would be doing that. Give those who say "No" or ghost you or whatever the benefit of the doubt, try not to take it personally. Elevate other issues and goals so the rejections are more business than personal. I hope this helps.
    Boost likes this.
  3. arken3

    arken3 Fapstronaut

    40 men, you say? How do you reckon most of them felt a day or two later when she moved on? Probably many of them pretty lonely, too.
    It seems you're meeting women with different values than yours, then you let that hurt you. It's hard to find a match, but especially when you're not selective about who you get to know. It sounds like you're desperate and meeting the wrong girls. Being a gentleman/etc doesn't matter if she wants promiscuity. Maybe look at 2020 as a time for focusing on yourself as @Decided explains, and also looking out for women who match what you want. Then you can be your awesome self and ask her on a date. I think you'll have more success.
    OnTheEdge likes this.
  4. better than being shy and anti social like me. only girls i attracted in the past are the ugliest of the ugly. i don’t go out, don’t do nothing besides come back home from work and sleep.

    i would suggest tinder if someone else hasn’t already
    Carrotman likes this.
  5. Hexham C

    Hexham C Fapstronaut

    "I guess women dont want me." I think there are loads of women who'd want you. Don't forget that loads of women feel the same way as you do: loads of women feel no guys find them attractive, or feel used by guys, or feel too tall or whatever. Society makes us all feel inadequate sometimes.
  6. Arbiter

    Arbiter Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the replies guys, at least I get some kind of support and not judgement, for once.

    I have read what you said and maybe it is true that I am meeting women with different interests and values than me, maybe I am searching in the wrong places. But it doesnt ease the feeling of loneliness that I feel very often, I dont even care about dating as much because I gave up for the time being, I just want this pain to go away or at least not to think about it? is there any way?

    Ive been focusing on myself for my entire life, 2020 will be no different, but the feelings of loneliness and just craving for basic human contact and touch hit me every time.

    Tried tinder a few times for few years, although I got some matches rarely, nothing ever came out of it except for a quick few messeages followed up by ghosting.

    I dont know man, I would really like to think so just like you said, but years upon years of negative experience on this have brought me to this conclusion, its just reassuring what I already believe, serving as proof.
    I dont know, really, Im very lost in this regard.

    For now I will do abstience since this is the only logical thing to do now, I wont chase anyone, wont get hurt, and wont get into this one sided emotional turmoil while the other side doesnt even care about me. I hope that one day things will be better in this regard but who knows.
  7. arken3

    arken3 Fapstronaut

    I don't know anything else to say other than, I've felt the same way you are feeling, and now I've somehow transcended that feeling. Some things you just have to experience as you age. The 26-year-old version of me wouldn't understand many things about 33-year-old me.

    I can't really say how to get around it, as I'm still chronically single as well, but I guess my perspective switched away from feeling negativity? Just stay positive and enjoy your life as much as possible. I also feel less alone by having quality (over quantity) social experiences and making good friends from them. Not the same as a partner, yes, but step 1 is letting go of any notion that something is wrong with you. Many things like timing and luck also play a role in finding someone special.
  8. Fourth Musketeer

    Fourth Musketeer New Fapstronaut

    I get you. Here is something I realized : you don't need a woman for that. Women find it hard to understand us, we are different, we face different struggles. I suggest developing some values, things you really believe in (maybe you already know what that is). Then seek out friends who share those values. Having strong male friends who will have your back is the way to finding companionship.

    The fact that the girl you spent a year and a half in a relationship with went off to become something that you cannot tolerate says something - you most likely were together out of coinciding need rather than shared values.

    Once you have those values and friends to help you on your way, I you will meet a woman who shares your beliefs - and you can satisfy your need for love.
  9. MuscularSherlockHolmes

    MuscularSherlockHolmes Fapstronaut

    This ^ √
  10. i never had anything and yes i have given up
  11. Fullyawake

    Fullyawake Fapstronaut

    It’s so complicated. There’s stuff I’d like to talk about honestly but would probably be banned. At night it’s the worst, laying there in the dark with just your thoughts.
  12. I am 6 feet tall, naturally built but a bit chubby and I have gotten zero dates. I think i'm an attractive person (if i groom) and could potentially make it even better if i lost the excess fat around my face and body but that isn't what's going to score me dates. The reason why I don't score dates is because i'm not ready to date and I can't connect with people properly because I'm way too absorbed with the thoughts in my own head worrying what is going to happen or what will happen later on and I'm going to therapy to help make my mental health better.

    Put it this way, people need to have a positive reaction to another persons "canvas", aka looks. There's that "Yeah, he/she's cute" or "He/she's gorgeous" but that doesn't mean they're going to immediately date you. Women are emotional people, you need to actually connect and feel their vibe within the first few conversations that you have and if you feel like there's some sort of tension or positive feeling there just say "Hey/Hello, i was wondering if you'd like to go out on a date with me to like coffee/lunch/dinner, I genuinely would like to get to know you better". Don't grow attraction and hold it back from them for like 9-10 months then tell them you had feelings for them because the stuff only works when you're a teenager and because in most cases they will see you as a friend because you treat them like a friend. This is why feeling out the vibe/tension, connecting with them early on is crucial and when you feel like there is something, ask them out on a date. If they say no, respect it and move on and meet another person until you find someone that says yes.

    I think your problem here is that you expect something out of every attempt instead of riding the wave and just going with the flow. Women react to stuff like this and are receptive to people who are emotionally invested and take them seriously.

    You're not an incel, you were being honest which an incel isn't capable of being.
    The game isn't rigged, you're just not going about it the correct way.

    Being a gentleman, being yourself and being funny isn't enough to score you dates, you need to be confident and assertive with what you want, that's why instead of treating them like a friend for months on end, taking action and asking them out after a few social events is key because now in their head they know you're all about dating/relationships, at that point that can either reject your offer for a date or they can accept it. It's all about how you connect and feel out the vibe with them. I have a friend who is 160cm i believe and he has a girlfriend who is the same height as him. Height doesn't matter to a level-headed mature person, it only matters to people who think with the organ between their legs.
  13. alexnofapeast

    alexnofapeast Fapstronaut

    My story
    Addicted to porn since twelve
    Didn't really have a girlfriend. Didn't know how to.
    PMO was my girlfriend frankly.
    Till ten years ago I met a gorgeous girl who I realised liked me.
    But somehow it didn't work.

    Then I started searching
    Found "The Game" by Strauss (?)
    A book about pick up
    Do you know how badly this stuff works? I'll tell you my first kiss
    I was 25. 6 years ago
    I met this girl. And because my game improved so much, it naturally sent into her giving me a personal tour of the exhibition where she was working and then we had food and then the next morning she took me to airport for my flight. We had an hour in the car. And that's my first kiss. An hour long snog.

    Last month when I went skiing met this singer on a tour. We kissed within an hour.

    I currently joined SAA twelve step. It took me a long time to believe that I can move away from this PMO addiction. Been 3 years in SAA.

    Do this
    1.Buy the book "The game" Pua
    2. Get telegram app. Search for something along the line of "game global" they should have a Facebook page. Join the telegram chat. That should give you such a boost about gaming. It will definitely shoot your confidence around this.

    That's enough for now
  14. alexnofapeast

    alexnofapeast Fapstronaut


    Happy to share contact if it helps
    WhatsApp +447508034799
    I joined this forum today. Hope this helps

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