Ranting about stuff

ATTENTION! I FEEL REALLY ALONE AND THIS IS MY RANT! I must release the steam so I won’t go crazy. Sorry in advance



It’s one of those days again, I relapsed and I feel like shit. Not going to lie I feel like shit almost all the time however when I relapse it’s different. I feel lethargic and empty, it’s been almost four years since I started to fight this disease and I can’t beat it guys. I’m 21, my addiction forced me to do many fucked up things because porn simply doesn’t give me the same dopamine high as those things I’m about to mention. My regular relapse nowadays consists of me getting completely naked and posting nudes on various subreddits and I’m talking about nudes with my face in them in order to exchange pictures with girls, you will probably think I’m crazy and stupid for being so reckless and irresponsible and I have to agree with you. I’m a fool, probably the biggest fool I know, because since I was a kid I have been wasting my potential for some pixels instead of pursuing a goal which could be beneficial. It’s my last year of college and I have no idea how I’m gonna graduate, I panic every time I think about my BA thesis, I’m worried about my lungs because I chain-smoke everyday like crazy, I constantly think about my ex and basically stalk her on Instagram and Twitter because I can’t forget about her even though I’ve been having causal relationship with a new girl, I’m also worried that I can’t perform sexually like a normal man because I can’t put on a condom, every time I try I lose my erection. All these things combined in addition with my relapses result in me being a paranoid and scared beta, I may not show it to the world, but I know people can feel it when I’m at my lowest. The point is, I feel hopeless I think my only legacy in this life is constant struggle to beat such pathetic disease like porn addiction, because everyday I count those damn days: 3 days, 5 days, 7 days and I relapse on 8th. I don’t think something will change within me, I read books on porn addiction tried various methods and I just don’t believe in myself, because I know myself. Whenever I feel the urge it’s just impossible to fight it. Oh well, who cares… fuck it. The only person I can blame for all this mess is me. Sorry once again guys, I got no one to talk to about this. Probably no one will even read it, but I have to say something, I can’t keep it inside me.