Re-introducing myself

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by RecoveryRanger1999, Dec 9, 2019.

  1. RecoveryRanger1999

    RecoveryRanger1999 New Fapstronaut

    Uhm, I have been here before. With a different user name. I lasted about 20 days before choosing my habit over a healthy life. It just made more sense to let myself feel satisfaction, despite being depressingly short-lived, it was more than what I needed to get through what i consider to be an unfulfilling life. I'm 20 years old and have been doing this since I was 12, every day. I signed up for this on reddit and went 13 days. I just relapsed. I'll tell my story once again for this forum, I guess but here's a quick summary:
    All i do is complain and I'm sick of it. i'm envious of confident people, people in relationships, people who are more accomplished, who are smarter, etc.

    I'm doing this for the sake of change. For the sake of self improvement. I don't expect to have all my problems solved but, i truly believe this is a good starting point.
    So, since my relapse is the most recent thing to have happened to me, I'll share about that.

    After quitting to…quit for a whole year, I got back into the habit of, fighting the habit and I relapse after just 13 days. I feel pathetic. I complain every day about not being able to enjoy life with a girlfriend and yet I can’t even keep my hands off my dick, I can’t even keep my own twisted, bilious, perverted fantasies in check. I broke my own rules. I was strutting all around this community giving advice and motivation and I didn’t even follow my own rules. I went to sleep, full of energy, just so that I could fantasize, and I did, which lead to me surfing the internet once again to feed my fetish. What sucks most of all, is the legit rush of dopamine I felt (it’s still in effect now). My body is happy I gave in. I’m spiteful towards myself for it, of course but, a large part of me is relieved and elated. I hate it. I wish I didn’t like it. I wish that I wasn’t going to be into it. I thought I got over it but… the satisfaction I get from PMO is all still there. The addiction is still there. Not dormant in the least. I hate it. It’s disrespect towards the people I love and to my past self who started this journey for a reason, who wanted to change and worked his damn hardest those first days.

    As for the benefits. I never expected to turn into superman or anything, I won’t exaggerate and say that my memory was boosted, I became happier and more attractive and yadda, yadda. But two things are certain – I was in way less pain and, my thoughts were clearer. Less foggy. That I can attest for sure, I still got distracted and lost my train of thought consistently but, I was able to increase my focus a bit more and think solutions to problems more clearly. Placebo? Probably. But nonetheless, those two benefits were definitely there… although those debatable effects are not reason why I’m here! I’m here.

    I can’t be too hard on myself, I know. But it really sucks to know that the urges and appetite is still there, supercharged even. I will beat this. I don’t know when, but I will. Back to the drawing board...

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