When I came to the forum I wrote this post: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/almost-60-days-free-of-porn-my-story.138291/ When I had reached 60 days I wasn't all that happy or on the right track as I wanted to be. Now? Well, I am in much better shape psychically and mentally. Found out a lot things and genuinely more happy than before. But we will take this step by step. The Beginning As I said in my 60 days thread I started watching porn systematically by the age of 15. When I started it was to block out all my pain and forget about my social anxiety. It was to hide from the world, a world I thought didn't accept me. I was a frail, afraid child who was not fitting in at all. So I chose to hide my problems instead of fixing them. Great job young me . Then porn became highly accessible on the internet. It was like a godsend for a boy who was struggling with connecting to people at school, and having a hard time generally. Not gonna repeat much here though. I have been a porn user for 20 years and I think I always was addicted. It wasn't until last year or so I started to try and quit watching porn. Before that I never thought that was an option or it didn't occur to me that I should stop. I don't really remember why I suddenly found out I needed to stop. But I tried and I tried. Every time I couldn't go farther than a month. While I did this I never stopped masturbating. That had become an compulsion, so big that I now have problem knowing what I would do without it. It's also probably the worst thing I could do now if I relapsed. But then this year everything seemed to fall apart for me. The anxiety I had been holding back and not doing anything with. The depression that was forcibly crippling me didn't let go. I needed to do something, but I was incapable of doing anything. Then in September I crashed and not long after I stopped watching porn. Why? Because I had overdone it in the summer and it started to sicken me and the thoughts I was having when I crashed. I think my intrusive thoughts and the porn-induced images started here. The first month September was a fucking horrible month. - I was scared of everything - My heart was beating fast all the time - I was having intrusive thoughts - Porn-induced images when walking outside - Porn clips emerging in my mind - I was having panic attacks - I felt my anxiety was stuck in my throat - Trouble concentrating. my thoughts were racing all the time - Doom and gloom mood the whole time - Didn't see a future for myself at all. - Crying constantly It was a horrible time, and I was so afraid that I might do something. I started getting some suicidal thoughts. I was fucking scared all the time, and I didn't see a way out of this at all. I have always had a good relationship with my parents. I could always talk to my mother about anything. So I started calling her every day with something new she needed to help me with. But it wasn't a good way to deal with it at all. Because I didn't want to work through, I just needed someone to talk to. After a while I started to open up to friends as well. Not about the porn, but about everything else. That seemed to help, but not by much. Started to get more social because I knew I had to do that. It was hard in the beginning, because when you have a breakdown like I did, you still feel alone when being social with someone else. I still masturbated during this month. Because, yes compulsion, needed to fulfill it. The Second month October was better overall, thing started to calm down - I wasn't so scared all the time - The panic attacks was calming down, and I was getting better at managing them before they could get going - My head was still racing with thoughts and I had a hard time stopping them. - The porn-induced images was the same and also my intrusive thoughts, but were less frequent at the end of the month. - My anxiety wasn't that bad - My concentration was starting to get better. - Not as much doom and gloom mood. - I still didn't see a future for myself - Had days when I was really happy October was overall better definitely. I started to do some stuff that I needed to do for myself. I was taking action, I was facing my fears and I was trying to write stuff down. I was talking to my mother still, but she set some demands. I was gonna write to her every day. After a while it started getting positive. I also decided to go see a therapist. I got an appointment, but that was far in the future. So I needed to do stuff to get better. So from 20th October and onwards I really started to work on myself. My mother also suggested a forum, and I was looking for one. Then I found yourbrainonporn.com and things started to click into place. I also decided to tell my parents about my porn addiction. At first they were shocked that I had watched it for so long. I thought they knew, but they said that they didn't know that I was watching it for so long. Around 20th of October I stopped masturbating, because I was figuring it wasn't good for me. I think some of my progress probably could have been faster and better had I stopped doing that as well. But what did I know? I didn't know about nofap, not that much anyway. And I didn't think porn was a bad idea until I did it too much and I crashed. The third month November was the best month so far. - Still kinda scared but that was my social anxiety that I hid away all this time. - My most social month because I really wanted to. - Stared meditating for real around middle of November. - Started exercising regularly every week. - Started my journal on this forum trying to figure stuff out. - My mood was balancing tremendously. - My intrusive thought was steadily declining with help of meditation and my ignoring methods. - Porn-induced images more manageable, and as I write now of (4th December) they are more or less gone. - I don't see much of my old porn clips or fantasies in my mind. - Doom and gloom gone - Looking forward to the future - Balanced weeks of more happiness November has been a roller coaster ride of feelings and figuring things out. It all started when I joined the forum and found way to be more open with myself to others. I started my journal and detailing what has happened and what I can see from what I have learned has been a true help to me. During the middle of the month I went to see the therapist. We agreed I had done a lot of great work and I should continue with that. I got a book recommendation and everything started to feel better. And a new session in January. Some panic came back after that but I persevered. After that things started to normalize. I felt more and more that my weeks was balanced and that my mood was more than good everyday. I started to exercise regularly and meditating became a daily thing. My concentration also became better and better every day. I felt that my doom and gloom mood was over and done with. I saw a way out of my shitty life and the way porn had fucked everything up for me. I started applying for jobs, I started to take care of myself slowly but surely, started being more positive to myself, started thinking more positive and so on. I also stated to get more involved on the forum, trying to motivate others and that has helped me in turn. What about now? In December? Yes, what about now? How am I feeling? Are there any clear benefits I have seen for myself? I haven't mentioned everything that happened to me, I just wanted to give a clear overview of what has happened to me. Right now for two-three weeks in a row I am feeling quite calm. I feel like I am on the verge of starting a new chapter in my life. I am still figuring things out and probably still will for a long time. But I am okay with that. I am not as irritable as I was. Three-four weeks ago I was irritated over everything around me. Now I am feel more calm about the stuff I was irritated over. I still get irritated, but not the amount I was, just a normal amount. My concentration is very very high and I can get things done as long as I get out of bed. Still struggling with depression and anxiety, but that is to be expected. And I don't think too much of it all the time as I did. I still feel lonely but I am also working on that. About the calm thing, one of my friends last weekend said that I looked good. Better than I had. He said I was looking pretty hyped up the last time he saw me (that was two-three weeks before I saw him again this time). And that I couldn't concentrate and that I wasn't calm at all. He said you look really calm and together. And yes I did feel like that. So to sum up: - Concentration is better than it ever was. - My mood is generally quite good and I am feeling better than in a long time. - I see my future in brighter colors and I can say that I have one. - My suicidal thoughts are completely gone. - Porn-induced thoughts are completely gone. - No more racing thoughts, and the intrusive ones will be gone soon. - I have more days where I feel really happy. - My voice is deeper, I think ha ha. - I have become more social. Also wanting to be and I don't want to isolate myself anymore. - Starting to care more about me, myself and I. I need to. I always care too much about everyone else. - Exercising three-four times a week. - Meditating everyday, can't go a day without. - Feeling more self esteem coming through me. - I do things I seldom do. - I am more open and trying to connect with people. When I started this journey I didn't think I had a future, but now I am looking forward to my future. Tomorrow I am gonna start a new chapter. Getting up early, starting to fix things in my apt, write more steadily in my book, exercise more and do all the stuff I want to do. In moderation of course, I am really starting to learn that. I am gonna find ways to take care of myself better and I am gonna stop putting things off. That is a promise from me to you! I am also next year gonna start dating. Want to get out there. I feel excited about that. Don't know how or when completely but I am figuring that out. I just need to work more on finding the best version of me and I will be more than ready. Just need to slow some things down and let it take the time it takes . I have done all this work with the help of my mother, but also with the help of you guys. You have been commenting, liking and supporting me all the way. If it hadn't been for you and my parents, and of course myself, I wouldn't have gotten this far. So thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. You mean more to me than you know!