REALLY BAD CASE. In a search of accountability partner, who is capable to help

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by Mracu, Apr 1, 2020.

  1. Mracu

    Mracu Fapstronaut


    I am new there and in despair.

    I am 30. My background is quite bad, that is why I evaluate my case as critical.

    I’ve been into porn for about 20 years, since I’ve got a personal computer connected to the Internet.

    I’ve started occasional drinking since 13, but haven’t been a fan of it since I tried weed in 16.
    I’ve been a tobacco smoker since 19.

    For 11 years I’ve been smoking weed and mixed it from time to time with ocassional usage of acid, mushrooms, cocaine and amphetamine until 2014. Amphetamine was the worst, but I was blessed enough to quit. After that time, I simply smoked and microdosed weed with a constant tries to break this habit too. Luckily, it is all in the past now.

    On the December 11 2017 I’ve quit. I’ve quit mostly by a coincidence. I’ve just went nuts and was diagnosed with a first time psychotic disorder, and hospitalized for 3 month. I was awake for almost 4 days and was just craze. Hospitalization was a hard measure, but effective. It was a particular, but positive experience, you know. After that, I was on medication for 2 years and now I am clean. I don’t do drugs and don’t use medication anymore. My mental condition is supervised and is satisfactory. Also I attend therapeutical group once in two weeks.

    I’ve started studying to achieve a master’s degree and I am one of the best students. I also work remotely in a research center for two month now.

    Nevertheless, my porn addiction progressed. It is overwhelming. I feel sometimes, like I can’t control it. The longest period I wasn’t watching porn was 3 month in the hospital. Since than, my maximum abstinence from PMO was a month, but it ended with a disaster, which I can share later. Usually I can’t stay longer than one week and do this everyday or once in two days. It is very hard to overcome 3 days in a row.

    I’ve told about my problem to the psychiatrist, but it seems, like she is just tired to save me. She said, that I should try to fix it by myself. I know, it hurts her too, when I fall.

    I am collecting my courage to do a coming out in a group, but I am quite skeptical, since all people in it have their own problems. But I will try and use all the possibilities to overcome this devastating habit.

    My soul is black as coal and I am slowly dying. I have a lot of fear and guilt. I am afraid that structurally my mind is so warped, that is really difficult to fix. Still, it is better to die trying, than to stay in this condition.

    The biggest trouble with my porn addiction is that I am attracted to transsexual porn, maybe since 15. I feel a lot of guilt, since society I am living in, is not very open to such people. I've been dating to girls, and am attracted to them in real life, but there is a certain hole, that I cannot feel.

    I am browsing a lot of literature about sexuality, porn addiction and more or less understand the reasons and how it functions. I will not tell all my guesses about the reasons now, but I hope I will have a chance to share them later.

    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Stream07

    Stream07 Fapstronaut

    Hello my friend,

    I'm sorry for your past and what u have been through. But I'm so happy for your present and the fact that you have changed and let go of those bad habits.

    U r not alone. There r lots of people who r in the same condition as u or even worse conditions than u. The fact that u got rid of those bad habits is a great improvement. I personally salute u because most people lose it there.

    First of all, u should be proud. You've done a great job. And the fact that u r studying for a masters degree and working at a research center is a big A+. Take your head up high. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You should be proud. Most if people would never make it out of the situation u were in.

    YOU ARE GOOD. YOU ARE NICE. YOU ARE ADORABLE. Don't let the bad feelings get to u. PMO is a common issue among people and the fact that u want to quit to and improve your life while lots of people consider it as something routine, puts u on a whole different level.

    One of the problems that causes you, me and lots of other people to get addicted(either porn or anything else) is the personal problems we all had in our childhood. It's not something to be ashamed of, because as psychologists say its common. Everyone experiences them. You know why? Because our parent and our society are not perfect. They make mistakes. And when we were a child, those mistakes created some unrealistic beliefs in us that affected us when we grew up and became adults.

    So, I want u to know it's not all about PMO. There are other aspects of your life that u need to take care of. Let me put it as simple as I can. Psychologists say: "You, in general, should feel happy and fortunate. If not, there is something wrong with u that u should fix". I'm not a psychologist, but I think if u dig a little deeper into that, it will help u a lot to feel better and stay on NoFap.

    There is also a book. It's so popular among psychologists and people who work on themselves. It helps u a lot and gives u great hint on how to know yourself, how to deal with your feelings and how to get on with your problems.
    I have also read it as a course of "self-awareness". It's called "Reinventing your life" by Jeffrey E. Young and Janet S. Klosko. I hope it helps you.

    Your psychiatrist was right. The only one that can help u is yourself. Remember that all these people and books just tell u what to do. It won't make any change until you do it. As Morpheus said in Matrix: "I can only show you the door. You are the one that has to walk through it".

    Last, but no least: Don't take life too hard. You have quit addiction. You are studying masters degree. You have a good job. what else do u want? There nothing wrong with wanting more! But u already have everything and more that everything that a man needs. What else do u want? Katy Perry on your lap? come on! When the right time comes, you will have a good girl friend. But until then, try to embrace your life and enjoy it. Enjoy everything, from a solo walk on a rainy evening to a talk to a friend or a small talk to a stranger.

    Hope you the best.
  3. Mracu

    Mracu Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for the words of support Stream07. I appreciate them a lot. In most of the cases you are right and I will do my best to be more grateful for what I have and keep working until I succeed. I will look for a book, thank you for a reccomendation!

    Best wishes to you in your fight!:emoji_fist:
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2020
    Stream07 likes this.
  4. Big man bazu

    Big man bazu New Fapstronaut

    Hey Mracu am also new here. but porn has also been my downfall and am also trying to let go. I just joined and I am also a type of person that requires a helping hand from someone in the same position. So I would like to be your AP. I'm turning 18 btw next month. Please contact me so that we start as April has already begun.
    Mracu likes this.
  5. dragonaire

    dragonaire Fapstronaut

    hey man... u can text me if u want someone to count with
    Mracu likes this.
  6. Mracu

    Mracu Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your reply. It would be very fruitful to have a chance to contact you from time to time.

    I didn't expect that I will receive so many support. It is inspiring. Best wishes to you all!

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