Really confused

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Alma1995, Apr 14, 2016.

  1. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    Oh where do I start...A lot has been going on in my life recently. I am having a lot of pressure from college studies. I started once again refraining from all kind of masturbation and I had a wall made in my computer so watching porn is impossible (hurray) although I don't feel the need to watch. I don't know when it started but suddenly from nowhere I really felt uneased by the fact my girlfriend isn't virgin. Her jealousy lately has really been tiring me up and a little voice in my head tells me I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to explain where I was, who I was with everytime I see her and this is something that had started recently. I've wanted to tell her that so many times that having to come to terms with the fact she had slept with someone else (before she met me) showed that it wasn't me

    I've read some forums trying to get past this but it just made it worse. Husbands mourning the fact their wives weren't virgins, wives who were scared of the amount of partners their husbands had. Rather than showing "Love beats all" to me they felt like horror stories. Mostly, a phrase said from a wife who had multiple partners apart from her husband. "Even though I love my husband" and that's where hell begins. Love wasn't enought for her. She did things she wouldn't do with her husband and although she loved him, he wasn't "as good" for her than someone from the past. And this (Put bad word) stories won't leave my mind.

    So right now I'm really confused. I love my girlfriend and I want her to be happy just as happy as I want every human being I meet. But thinking with my head clear, I believe I never got past the fact she wasn't virgin. Saying that I masturbated in order to avoid having sex with her it's half the truth. I deluded myself. Virginity for me is so much more than just the first sexual encounter!. It brings such peace. To discover that with someone you love at the same time with them seems to be the most magical moment. Yet, I know that it more fleshy than anything. As well, intelectually, if it is allowed to write this here, I don't really feel like touching her "there". It's not mine anymore. The "Don't do anything you wouldn't want your wife to do" phrase I was raised with makes me think that the woman I'll marry one day is out there and kissing is as far as she has gone. So I'm really considering to end my relationship with her. What's the point in dating if I already know that I would never, ever, make her my wife? And given that case, have sex with her? I want to look for someone who is virgin and chaste but given the age I am (20) and the current times we live in I feel it's a lost cause.
     
  2. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    Break up with her sooner rather than later. If you don't plan on being with her forever you are wasting your time and hers. Unless you love her more than your values and can deal with the fact she's not a virgin. There's no grey area here. Pretty black and white. Gotta be a hard thing to do but what's more important to you?
     
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  3. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    Oh Boy... Virginity is such a finicky thing really. Christianity says your a sinner if you are not a virgin outside of marriage, well and even when you are a virgin. Society says have sex, lots of it, virginity doesn't matter. Porn says be a slut or your not worth it. Islam teaches to do whatever it takes to bring the individual into submission and that sex is bad out of marriage. But what is virginity? How do you go about holding someone to such a high standard. I am going to preface this entire post on the foreknowledge that I do hold a Christian worldview, not only that but I was raised Christian, fell completely away from Christianity for 6-8 years, and I am not a virgin. I will also try to hyperlink some sources so you can read up on it on your own, if you so desire.

    So what does that mean? It means that I had sex with a woman, a couple times actually, of which I have had to battle mentally with ever since. The day after I gave my virginity, I as a man, was in tears when I woke up. After I had slept it off, had time to think, the only thing that dominated my thought for the next few weeks was "I am worthless, I am not a virgin." Ouch. Now that I have been focusing on healing, I have learned a few big big big lessons.

    One thing I hold to is that anyone who PMO's, is not a virgin. Not at least by the standard the world holds to. Here is why. I am sure you have heard of the VR (Virtual reality) movement that has come of the latter half of the recent decade. Scientists have proven that our minds cannot differ between what we see in VR and what we see in reality. This is no joke, what we experience in virtual reality is real as far as our mind is concerned. But what does VR have to do with PMO and the topic of virginity? Athletes for years have used visualization as a means to effective practice. The mind doesn't know the difference between mental visualization or physically doing something, so in athletics when an athlete cannot practice, but they have the means to relax and visualize, they essentially can practice. This is widely used with professional athletes, practice doesn't make perfection - it makes consistency. The only difference our body is concerned with is, when practicing via visualization our body doesn't build muscle strength and endurance. This is why athletes still physically practice.

    So how does VR and visualization pertain to virginity? Well, you may physically be a virgin, you have no chance to contract STD's true, but you are not a mental virgin. You have practiced sex in your mind, you have stimulated it with your hand. That is a harsh reality which isn't meant to crush people, but I think it is a huge part of our sexual healing. My question for you is why have you not come to terms with that she has slept with someone? Have you slept with anyone physically? What about kissed? Touched?

    If you truly can't come to terms with the fact of her actions before she met you, that is your choice. However, remember that she makes mistakes, you have made mistakes just as big or bigger before. If you are in a relationship that you don't want to be in, there is nothing wrong with that. End it. But if you solely are holding against her a mistake that she cannot change, I encourage you to reevaluate your thoughts. You can't change your PMO problem in the past, she can't change her sex life in the past, they are in the past.

    One big thing to remember is you are not married to her and you certainly were not when she had sex with someone else. It was her body at that time, and until she is married it is still her body in that sense. Upon marriage, two become "one" in a sense, but that doesn't change the past. Do I think that premarital sex is wrong? Absolutely. Is that a mistake I have made? Yes, but I can't change that. In fact, I get married to a fabulous woman in less than two months who realizes that my past is my past, it is what has made me who I am today. She can't change that, I can't change that and it was something that predated her. As for my PMO issue, I am working on it, and she knows that too. She didn't just run off because I wasn't a virgin. She is a virgin, and before we even started dating I was upfront with her and told her that it was a part of my past. Instead of running she responded with grace, I will never forget that response. Word for word she said, "It's okay, I forgive you, and we will work through that."

    I don't know if you hold any religious worldview, but the fact of the matter doesn't change. It's your choice, but her body isn't yours and you can't change the past, neither can she. She may or may not feel guilty about it, but it can't be changed.

    Best of luck
    8Bit
     
  4. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    I consider myself virgin. Virginity has always been physical rather than mental thing. Otherwise, nobody would be virgin. I have made mistakes in the past but not as big as that one regarding this area. Kissing is as far as I have gone with a woman. I clearly know her body isn't mine which is one of the reasons I never mentioned her I did have troubles with it. The truth is, we already broke up. Her past is her past and I can't change it even if I don't like it. There is no second thought. After thinking deeply, I came to the conclusion that I don't deserve to go through this. It's not fair. Shouldn't I receive a virginity in exchange for mine? Virginity is a deal breaker for me from now on. I told her why I broke up with her and she didn't really take it the good way. She kept on telling me she did repent from what she did and expected to have this talk sometime in the future but not just before we broke up. To make things short, we went separate ways.

    And to be fair, you're not really in my shoes. You're the one being forgiven and not the one that has to forgive. Now, I just have to learn how to deal with the anxiety of finding a new partner (virgin of course).


    P.D: How comes virginity taking someone to such a high standard? As a Christian, virginity would just be, well "normal" standard not high.
     
  5. Man you shouldn't think that something liek that belongs to you. Simple as that. I will be harsh, but if you think that not being virgin is a problem then you must leave her alone. Unless you will educate yourself enough to accept this simple physical state as just a person's choice.
     
  6. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    Had you kept on reading you would have realised that I already broke up with her. Not being a virgin is a problem to me, so I left her alone. I don't have to educate myself regarding this, I want something and won't change mostly because I can't have a relationship with someone who isn't virgin (and it took me one year and seven months to realise that)
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2016
  7. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    There is no reason to be a jerk to members of the community. If you are going to, don't respond at all. Secondly, it's okay if that is what you decide. But I encourage you to think through why you are deciding this. You are living in a era where the super majority of people are not virgins and the older you get the greater that percentage becomes. Don't hold yourself to such a godly standard, the fact is you have experienced the same pleasure by PMO as you would have in sex, you just got off Scott free with out having to have the emotional connection. Hold yourself to a physical virgin if you want, the fact of the matter is you just haven't had the physical act. You have seen everything, imagined it, and felt the pleasure along with it, with numerous people - both men and women.
     
  8. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry I didn't mean to sound rude. I already thought about this. This is what I want. I'm not holding myself to a godly standard because I feel I'm compelled to do so rather because I want and desire it.
    Again, you can't lose your virginity mentally. Otherwise, nobody would be virgin. PMO has never been an issue for me, excessive MO was the issue. I have lusted, it's a sin I repent from doing. But I haven't fornicated. If it comes to that way of thinking, anyone who hates is a murderer. Who has been my partner? Nobody. Can someone come to my house and claim they have slept with me? No, they can't. Do I feel comfortable dating a non-virgin? For sure I don't. Under all Christians standards I am virgin. Do I know how sex feels? No I don't. It's not that I'm pushing myself to this holy standard, the thing is it's my standard. And I KNOW, God I know that most people isn't virgin and that the percentage of non-virgins will just increase with time and this gives me daily dosis of anxiety.

    And again, you are not in the same role here.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2016
  9. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Finding someone you love and who loves you unconditionally, finding someone who makes you laugh... That's important to me being a virgin or not is not important.
    You could be waiting your whole life and never find someone or let someone go who would be perfect for you because they are not a virgin.
     
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  10. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    For me being virgin is important to the point the next woman approaches me I'll ask her before jumping into a relationship and tell her my views. Yes, I could wait all my life and not ever find someone which is the worst possible outcome. But I don't think I would consider someone "perfect for me" if she isn't virgin (I'm not saying virginity makes one perfect).
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2016
  11. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    I think you are right, and if you want to have a virgin gf or wife next time, that's perfectly legit. You shouldn't compromise your values even if others say otherwise. I was the first boyfriend of my wife, and she hasn't even kissed anyone before, and she was 34 when we met. It was really great that I did not have to concern myself with her sexual past, as she hadn't had any.
    The same thing could not have been said about me though. Before I became a Christian, I had multiple gfs and I was fornicating naturally. I also PMOd a lot. And when I got converted, I really felt bad for all those sexual sins I committed. And I told myself, that if I have to be a virgin to find a Christian girl, then I'm pretty much done for. But I repented of my past and my past sins, and I stopped doing all that.

    You see, nobody can change their past, the only thing you can do is repent, and move forward in a godly way. You say you cannot forgive someone who had sexual sins before, but listen. You yourself have a lot of sexual sins as well, even if you did not fornicate. Your future partner will have a lot to forgive, because she might think that masturbating is a sin as well.
    Forgiveness is something that Jesus very much urged us to do, because we also have a lot to be forgiven. Think about this. I'm with you.
     
  12. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    I know they can't change the past, that's the reason I already made a choice and effectively ended my relationship. I do have a lot of sexual sins, I lusted another woman besides my wife and she might think that masturbating is a sin as well. When we talk about forgiveness in this matter, I do forgive. I forgive them for their sexual past but my poor heart can't cope with it. So for me she is a brand new creation which I cannot completely love. Everyone deserves to be loved completely, with their past included and that's something I can't do. Thank you for your words, I really appreciate them and please pray for me so I can get a grip of my anxiety and keep on searching (waiting) to find the godly virgin wife I need.
     
  13. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    You bet I'll pray for you, and I totally understand you. One more thing came to me, that helped me a lot. When we turn to Christ and become believers, you know how the Bible says that we become a new creation. I took this into my heart. What that meant is that I considered my old self, who had done those sexually immoral stuff dead. Like, really dead. Dead and buried. And I said to myself: If I'm really a new creation now, then technically I'm a virgin again, even if I'm not biologically.

    So when I started to really look out for a girl who is wife-material, I decided that if someone had sex as an unbeliever, but stayed pure since turning to Christ, and in any other way she seems as wife material, I will accept her.

    But if she says that she is a professing Christian, but have had sex with others, than she is a no-no. Thankfully, my search was really short, because after like 3 months that I decided to look for a relationship, I met my future wife, so I haven't even dated anyone else apart from her in my new life in Christ.

    I wish you strenght!
     
  14. bbq

    bbq Fapstronaut

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    Maybe to lessen the anxiety you could surround yourself with people who share the same morals you do. Make friends at church or join christianmingle dot com or something.
    You won't find what you're looking for on a college campus or bars/clubs. It's like going to the jungle hoping to see a polar bear lol. Best analogy I could come up with.
     
  15. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    I guess I should do that. I have an outgoing personality, so I meet a lot of people from my college (although in my country the campus don't exist). I stopped going to church as although they professed being Christians sex before marriage was "allowed" Ha!. According to my brother's girlfriend, there are a lot of virgins girl at my age currently so college is still a good place to look. I started taking this matter in a less serious way. Instead of being desperate I started picturing myself as a hunter in the middle of a very thick jungle, there are many beautiful animals but I'm looking for the rare and exotic unicorn. So I'll leave this mattter to fate while I'll keep on getting more "weapons" (getting more fit, finishing my career, etc). And the good news is, I just have to find one unicorn :)

    P.D: I don't know if this is related to my state but I feel so uncomfortable when I read stories regarding relationships. Today I read "What's the best time to let go a lover" on the local newspaper and it really made me feel uneased.
     
  16. BobDobbs

    BobDobbs Fapstronaut

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    You really only have two options.

    Be completely up front about your standards way in advance, and limit your dating pool to ONLY people who clearly share your strict religious views.

    Or let go of antiquated notions of purity, and the emotionally crippling concept of virginity as an asset to be traded.
     
  17. Alma1995

    Alma1995 Fapstronaut

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    I'll go with the first one as the second one is not something I can do. But still, I would date someone who might not be as religious as me but happens to be virgin. There are some girls that are saving themselves until marriage and aren't religious.
     
  18. 8BitsOfStuggling

    8BitsOfStuggling Fapstronaut

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    Why are you okay with yoking yourself to someone who does not have the same theological views as you, but is physically the same in experience? That sounds A) Extraordinarily selfish, and B) Just ridiculous. What happens if she is paralyzed one day, in a wheel chair, and the thing you held most important, her virginity, sex, will never happen again. What premise does your relationship or marriage stand on?

    I can't read your posts anymore. You are objectifying virginity in a way that we objectify humans through PMO. It makes me sad to see that you are okay with someone who has opposing views as you, as long as they are physically a virgin.

    Good luck.
     
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