Really struggling

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by synthetic, Jun 18, 2019.

  1. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

    Hi, I'm not going that well at the moment. Depression has hit really hard. Everything is a struggle right now. On day 38. The longest I've had in a long time. Also. no P for about 7 months now.

    I reached a point with MO where I just couldn't do it anymore. I was getting so angry for days afterwards. Really cranky. It totally felt like MO had really turned on me this time. But tonight on the way home from work I was like fuck it, I'm sick of being depressed. I'd rather be angry than depressed. But then, thinking some more, do I really want groundhog day again? I just need some faith in knowing that this does pass. Does it get better? Is my brain really healing right now? Because this has been going on for weeks now.

    I started seeing a psychologist to talk about this stuff. I'm doing what I can to take care of myself. Exercising, eating well, socialising etc. But it's all a total drag. I'm forcing myself to do pretty much everything. My friends and family are totally saving me at the moment. I've had a long history of depression. I'm on psych meds. I'm scared it's going to get worse. I'm running at about 50% at work, and my bosses are noticing, and it's a new job. It's stressful knowing I could be doing better.

    I dunno what else I can do
  2. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    OK, FWIW here are a couple of suggestions:
    1. Be kind to yourself. If you saw a friend in your condition, what would you recommend for them? How can you best look after yourself? Is it diet, exercise, sleep, social interaction? Do you need a holiday? What is the most pressing need?
    2. Think about it from a spiritual perspective. I have literally no idea about your theology, but would it be good to explore this? What spiritual practice would help? It could be going to church*, voluntary work, meditation, just going for a long walk outside might help.
    3. What do you do for fun? Have you any hobbies? IMO screen-based stuff doesn't seem to be that helpful, but you could be making art, writing, music, making models, board games, sport, etc.etc. Anything that makes you feel alive, and preferably things that make you want to laugh (at least some of the time).
    Hope this helps

    *other religious institutions are available, local availability may vary...
  3. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

    Yeah kindness and self-compassion. There's always room for more. I'd love a holiday. Though not in position to do it at the moment. I can always do weekends away and day trips. I think anything new would be good right now. It's winter here at the moment, so that's probably compounding things, but I'm sure I can find something to do.

    I'm not religious, but I have a God and I pray regularly. My meditation practice has slid this year, so I could make time for that again.

    I really want to get my skydiving license, but not in a position financially at the moment. But that's at the top of my list. That would be amazing right now. Been thinking of getting back into photography, perhaps doing a series on capturing what depression is like in photos, seeing as its so hard to describe in words. Sounds morbid, but it wouldn't be. I have great friends that always make me laugh. Even today I managed a few laughs chatting to them. And they know that it helps me, so they try and make me laugh when I'm down which is actually really sweet. Actually a friend of mine has been playing indoor netball and she was saying I could probably join.

    It did. Thank you!
    Bombadil likes this.
  4. Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

    Cycle of addiction. Just keep pushing man. We must endure the pain. No way around it, if we want to break the cycle. The pain that you feel today, will become your strength tomorrow.

    synthetic likes this.
  5. BigOne79

    BigOne79 Fapstronaut

    I have respect for you sir as you are working towards healing yourself and it is not easy. I feel like I have some issues as well that I have medicated with PMO. It is really hard to just quit and now we have to site with our feelings and figure them out after so many years. I see a religious counselor myself and he really wants me to see what I want to do in five years with myself. My mind has been so rocked at PMO that I am not sure I can fully function to tell him that. Some days I have a vision and some days I am content where I am at but I know I have to make a move and do something. It really does take some time to get this all out of your system and even if you do slip up you have no failed, the road to recovery I understood comes with falling a few times before redemption.

    I want to give you credit for seven months and no porn. That has helped you tremendously, however the MO means you have too much time by yourself which leads to that. You know even if you worked out during the day, if you get home and are stressed, hungry, angry, tired that will make you want to act out. Get up and go back to working out. Exercising is going to be a life long habit and not just every once in awhile. Sure take a break for a couple of weeks maybe here and there when you get to where you want to be. Keep it up if you have a fitness goal. It's great that you have the friends and family to keep you strong. Same with me, without that support group not sure where I would be right now. It's hard trying to frame our mind the right way. There are ways to do it online that help you but easier said that done. You have to keep looking at that list and keep it in your mind every day.

    The negative self talk I did to myself when I PMO was not helpful to me as well. That is why I believe if you give up the MO, which is tough, you will see greater achievement.
    ImpureHuman and synthetic like this.
  6. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

    Thanks. I related to that video. He explains it really simply. I'm in recovery for drugs as well. Was thinking about it today. I've been through this before in early recovery for drugs. I'm coming up to 3 years clean there. Dealing with PMO is the next part of my recovery from addiction in general. PMO started for me as a kid to deal with what was going on for me at home and at school. Had no idea that's what I was doing, but it was. It's been like that as an adult too.
    Fenix Rising likes this.
  7. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your words. My mind feels totally rocked by PMO as well. Posting here in the last day has helped. At least I'm not alone in this. I went to the gym today, and got a period of relief after, even though it was brief. I'm going to step up my exercise, like you say. My friend and I are going to try and get a netball team together. Some team sport might help too. As soon as depression hits for me, I get suicidal thoughts. Suicide just isn't an option though. It would cause so much grief. But it's distressing having these thoughts just the same. They go all day, and it's very draining in itself. Can't wait until this lifts!
    ImpureHuman likes this.
  8. ImpureHuman

    ImpureHuman Fapstronaut

    Have faith in yourself. It's a healing process, spiralling down to depression may be part of healing. Be patient.
    synthetic likes this.

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