Reasons that may explain PMO

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Shaque118, Jan 30, 2018.

  1. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    Through several psychology and self-improvement readings I recently made discoveries that part of the reason I have this problem is because I am an adult child who has emotionally immature parents. I highly recommend the participants of this community to read the following book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents

    The author explain how we cope with this family dynamic and it is categorized by people who internalize (these people tend to read the book thoroughly) and externalize (PMO). In my scenario I tend to do both, I PMO every time I am denied by my parent of my raw emotions but when I go on a streak I enjoy my life but I tend to play a different role as the books discusses which ultimately ruins my self esteem because my parents cannot accept me for who I am thus leading to PMO. I personally have told them that I feel mentally unhealthy in the family environment and they both asked why, I responded with because my feelings are not respected. They blamed me for the problem.


    After reading this book, I finally got the guts to stand up to them and told them that I plan on moving out as soon as possible and am taking a leave of absence from college. Sadly, I think personally terminating the relationship I have with my parents is the only way of resolving this issue. I notice everytime I leave the house and go out of town I tend to make healthier choices.

    Although, this is not a solution for everyone I definetly can see it for some people. I watched a movie called discussing Thanks For Sharing and one of the characters who deals with PMO addiction had to terminate his relationship with his mother.

    There is light at the end of the tunnel.
     
  2. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    One of the things that fuck up children is their own parents. Second is High School
     
    Deleted Account, lantti and Lukas99 like this.
  3. Lukas99

    Lukas99 Fapstronaut

    42
    53
    18
    Similar situation, but very different. I moved in on my own when I was 17,stopped living with my parents when I was 13.
    Living on your own, can build a better understanding of your self, and your emotions.

    You spend more time thinking, and of course being in a quite environment helps. Maybe not for everyone, as my self I prefer to be in quiet environments. But living on your own does help, then being somewhere where you don't feel safe, and stress your self out.
     
    Shaque118 likes this.
  4. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    How is the relationship with your parents now better, worse, or was it never rekindled?
     
    Lukas99 likes this.
  5. Lukas99

    Lukas99 Fapstronaut

    42
    53
    18
    We don't really keep in touch haven't spoke to them in 3 years
     
  6. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    I plan on doing the same thing soon. Do you feel better? Has life as an overall entity gotten better?
    I frankly believe that through this decision that I am choosing to make it'll help my mental health
     
    Deleted Account and Lukas99 like this.
  7. Lukas99

    Lukas99 Fapstronaut

    42
    53
    18
    Yeah, feels awesome. Living on your own is great, it's quiet and peaceful, give you more time for production and creativity I'd say
     
    Deleted Account and franco216 like this.
  8. franco216

    franco216 Fapstronaut

    228
    138
    43
    I fully agree with your sentiment, only that I don't think it's sad that you finally take steps to put some distance between you and your parents. There are good reasons why you should not live with your parents once you are sexually mature. It's a feature of modern society that biologically adult persons are still dependent on their parents. I believe it would be totally healthy to move out at the age of 13 to 15 - of course the degree of mental maturity differs from person to person. Just think of all the conflict you could avoid by moving out at that age! If this would be more common for teenagers, they would be able to maintain a better relationship to their parents. If you don't live together but just the them a couple of times a week, you spend time with them by choice and you can learn to organize your life independently - instead of following their rules.

    The case of emotionally immature parents of course gravely aggravate this issue.

    I tend to generalize and thus alienate some people ... BUT: How likely is it for anyone that their parents turn out to be good people that you want to be friends with? Once I was emotionally stable enough and independent enough I came to the somewhat painful conclusion that my parents aren't exactly friendly to me. They aren't respectful either. On the contrary, unlike friends and acquaintances my mother could rely on the fact that I would be around - she didn't need to be respectful to enjoy my presence. This is all unhealthy.

    I know there are people who are good friends with their parents (or one of them). Don't take that for granted ever! I am old enough now to make my own choices, including my choice of people that I want to have close to me. I don't push my parents away, but the truth is that I have never been particularly close to my parents either. So what's the basis of our relationship? Just the fact that she is my mother and he is my father won't cut it.

    There are of course good reasons to maintain a good relationship with your parents - despite the issues that are likely to be there. However, I would never assume per default that everyone should strive for that. I see time and time again friends around me who maintain a superficial relationship to their parents, just to pretend that the family relationships are intact. This is terrible.

    "Es gibt kein richtiges Leben im falschen." (Adorno)
    "there is no correct life in the wrong"

    Live your life honestly, i.e. put your relationships on an honest footing. If that means a "break up" with your parents, it will be for the better! There is still the chance to approach them anew and start again - maybe both, you and your parents, matured in the meantime. I know for my parents that they, too, changed a lot and even if things are bad it's worth contacting them from time to time - my mother certainly undertook some efforts at some point to try to understand what's going on inside me. She probably wouldn't have done that if I had stayed in the pretense mode where I always play the good son.

    So, thanks for posting this! I encourage you with this decision!
     
    Lukas99 and Shaque118 like this.
  9. franco216

    franco216 Fapstronaut

    228
    138
    43
    From my personal experience: Yes, it probably will. Once I moved out, a whole new world opened before me.

    Another step forward for me was not to visit my family during Christmas - Christmas always was a regression into child mode that left me depressed.

    Just be sure to explore the freedom with prudence. Some people initially put distance between them and their parents only to return into the old - potentially unhealthy - relationship later. The sooner you start to manage your relationship consciously the better: Treat them as friends. Be aware that you might need them - that you are still somewhat dependent on them, emotionally (probably). Yet enjoy everything you manage without them and be proud of that, too! Step by step, develop your own values and defend them :)
     
    Shaque118 likes this.
  10. Lukas99

    Lukas99 Fapstronaut

    42
    53
    18
    Couldn't agree more. We tend to get bored of people, no matter how close they are. And living under control of your parents can cause stress and some other issues. But even if you do move out at an early age, it's always good to have someone there to help
     
    Deleted Account and Shaque118 like this.
  11. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    Thank you for this post it is very encouraging. I want to ask did this move ever help you with your PMO?
     
  12. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    After you moved out did it help with NoFap ?
     
    Lukas99 likes this.
  13. Lukas99

    Lukas99 Fapstronaut

    42
    53
    18
    Well I'm only on my 8th day, but my control over NoFap is pretty good, I saw a bunch of attractive pictures. Saw a lot of attractive people, even watched films with sex scenes, I'm thinking of starting a thread on how to control your self with the right mindset, I smoked for 7 years stopped about a year ago, so quiting something addictive it's not that new
     
  14. franco216

    franco216 Fapstronaut

    228
    138
    43
    No. Moving out from home happened long ago, also long before I had any clue about my destructive masturbation habits. So the first thing was: Finally I can fap away like there's no tomorrow in my own private room (before that, I didn't have that privacy).

    I am kind of a difficult case. I was at the same time fed up with living at home and I wasn't independent enough to live alone. I spend another 10 years after moving out happily PMOing before I finally discovered nofap (and some other insights along the way).

    I would assume, moving out can get you out of the guilt trap. (Depending of course on whether or not guilt is an issue for you at all)

    Like all goals in life it's important to have the right kind of motivation: Am I abstaining from PMO because this parental voice in my head tells me it's wrong? Is it merely convenient to abstain because as long as I abstain, I can maintain the fantasy bond with my parents and keep pretending that everything is fine?

    Once you move out, your motivation has to be proper: There is no-one to reproach you (but yourself) for relapsing. The parental voice in your head might still be strong, but without the physical presence of your parents it will grow weak. You have to see for yourself what's good for you.
     
  15. franco216

    franco216 Fapstronaut

    228
    138
    43
    Great book, I bought it yesterday and I'm 20% through. I already read Firestone's "The Fantasy Bond" which is a bit heavier and a more difficult read. Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" is a bit more practical and very insight ful.
     
    Shaque118 likes this.
  16. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    The knowledge that I gained from that book helped me come to terms to this final decision. It describes my lifestyle to an exact degree and I figured this could probably help others with their coping mechanism that are similar to mine. I masturbate to numb myself and role play for my parents and as soon as I start to reveal my true nature I lose their respect and everything with it, however I also stop PMOing, my emotions are expressed, and I can go for long streaks. In time, I believe everything will fall into place. I started lookkng for a full time job and a place already.
     
  17. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    The reason I ask is because the best known way to recover from any addiction is a change in environment
     
  18. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    The reason I ask is because the best known way to recover from any addiction is a change in environment
     
  19. franco216

    franco216 Fapstronaut

    228
    138
    43
    Yeah, in principle, that's a great idea. Just didn't happen to be the case for me.
     
    Shaque118 likes this.
  20. Shaque118

    Shaque118 Fapstronaut

    59
    386
    53
    Well things are starting to look up for me, I may be getting a full-time position soon. Thus, allowing me to be independent. The only downside is unfortunately I have to drop my university plans for now. But, I plan on resuming as soon as thigs are settled.
     
    franco216 likes this.

Share This Page