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Rebirth & support

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Florian83, Dec 3, 2017.

  1. Florian83

    Florian83 Fapstronaut

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    Dear community,

    I am Florian, 33 years old and I am now in my rebirth process and I need your help for that. To explain whats bring me here I think I need to go back a bit in my childhood. I grew up in a chaotic family situation. My mother suffer of mental illness since I am born and my daily life when I was a child was made from violence between my parents, the alcoolism of my father, the multiple time when my mother went to the hospital. I felt abandoned and alone during all my young life. Anger and revolt took place in me and fears, anxiety and depression followed.

    At the age of 14 years old I got my first computer and I discovered internet. I watched a lot of skateboard, bmx and music video until I discovered porn. It was my only escape at this time and beside pleasure I consum a lot of porn just to survived I guess. I suffered from social anxiety and I remember that I was to able to take the bus even for one stop, talk to someone or take the elevator. After, I lived some strong panic attack and I stayed in my bed in the dark for weeks without any understanding from my family because they suffered so my too they had a lack of empathy and compassion.

    For years I lived like a ghost wishing for another day and something different. Anger and pain were my only reasons to live and survive. All the stress and frustration built my values of life and for years my only possibilitie of catching a breath was the sex. Sex in all forms guided my steps for years and years. I didnt want to see friends I just wanted to find new sexual partner. It was never enough...not enough partner, not enough videos and not enough pictures. All the day sex was the only motivation and my only way to see and feel something different from my daily life and not being in contact wirh the pain of my mother, the pain of my father and the pain of not having a secure environement!

    This attitude destroyed absolutly all opportunity to build a relationship with someone and I created a life of solitude and shame. No hope for the futur was the energy I used to live. In all this long nightmare I had lucky because I never took any drugs and I didnt felt into drinking. I discovered combat sport and punk-hardcore music and these aspects of my life saved me but destroyed me in the same time. I finally found a place to express my rage and frustration but after some years I felt like 'expression' became 'creation'. I just gave food to my negativ emotion and gave them a place to grow.

    At the age of 25 I discovered meditation with the teaching of the vietnamise zen master thich nath hanh. I opened a new door in my life and I finaly was able to put light in the dark places inside of me. A new path started for me and even my sex addiction was still here I was more and more able to watch that suffering with my eyes wide open.

    In the beginning of the year I lived a really hard time and all my worst habits and behaviors appears strongly again. I was dying inside of me and I needed to do something otherwise I think I could kill myself. I choose to left everything and travel. When I celebrate my 33 years old birthday alone in a hotel room I decide that enough is enough and now I need to take my sex addiction seriously. I decide that I stop watching porn and mastubate! I took a cold shower in the same time and I was feeling so down that it was my only option. I started my travel and for 8 months I traveled the world working as a volunteer and for 8 months I didnt watched porn, mastubate or looking for sex. I felt so good. I felt like a new me, a total rebirth and for the first time I loved who I was. Finaly it was not so hard to stop masturbate and watching porn. The travel and the new environement helped me a lot to disconnect with my negativ habits. I really start to think 'thats it, I am free, I am cured, I am saved!'. I started to use my sexual energy in a positiv way as reading books and even starting to write my own book trying to share my experience with the idea of helping the young people who suffer from a unstable and mental illness parent. I felt great. I have seen life from the bright side and I took good care of me.

    But when I cameback home...the nightmare started again. The day I cameback I connected with my mother, father and I bring back all my negativ environement....and of course...I watched porn again...I mastubate again...And I felt like shit again...

    Now I feel very lost and all my 8 months of travel and all the effort I made to change myself and improve myself look like nothing...

    Dear community...I need your help. I would love to share, read, write and connect with some of you. I can not stay alone now and I can not do it alone!

    I hope having news from some of you very soon.
    Thank you
     
    kropo82 and ChoosingToWar like this.
  2. ChoosingToWar

    ChoosingToWar Fapstronaut

    Welcome! Your journey has certainly been rough, but there is always hope for you. Just remember to believe that you can and will defeat PMO. You're in control, and with effort and help, I'm sure you'll succeed. Good luck on your journey!
     
  3. Florian83

    Florian83 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your message brother!
     
    ChoosingToWar likes this.
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    @Florian83 that's a heart wrenching post. You are a wonderful man to come through all that and then travel the world working as a volunteer and for 8 months to get your head back together. You are in the right place now and I am sure with the self-awareness you clearly have, the mindfulness you have built up, and the support and ideas from the rest of us here you will be able to stop. Are you aiming for another no-porn and no-masturbation reboot?

    Lots of us find keeping a journal in the relevant age section really useful. I'll keep an eye out for yours.
     
    Florian83 likes this.
  5. Par Ek Din

    Par Ek Din New Fapstronaut

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    @Florian83, congratulations for accomplishing eight months. There are many of us who have not gone beyond a month.
    I can understand how negative environments can trigger the old behaviour patterns. It will help to not be harsh on yourself, learn from what happened and move on. All the more power to you to keep pushing the boundaries.
     
  6. Florian83

    Florian83 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you very for your message, its help me a lot to find the reason of taking the time writting what I feel on this website. I start to understand how powerfull it could be to use this platform daily and share with other people. I think I am not the only one here who can say that feeling alone and isolated is a major problem on this path.

    Yes these 8 months have been the best of my life so far and with this distance I took from my envirronement I clearly see how I react when I feel stressed or sad. Its like a + b = c. I am finally very happy that this realapse happend to me because now I can put the light in this dark and painfullplace inside of me. It was at the end pretty easy not to watch porn and mastubate when I was in a family in a farm in the middle of Norway and all my thoughts were focused on all these new things that I experimente. But what about when I am home, with all the things that I know and all my negativ habits who took place during long long years. Thats the real challenge now for me!

    My goal is freedom! Freedom of the heart, freedom of the mind and freedom of the materialistic world. I know for all of this the first step is called acceptance.

    Yes I am now on my way of building a better life without porn and destroying my sexual energy. I write everyday and and everyday I find tools to help me. I have a very good morning routine with a early wake up, cold shower and meditation. I love myself when I do that. But I realized I need a evening routine now to take care of this destructive energy.

    I forced myself to read minimum of 10 pages of a inspirational book every evening and to turn off the wifi on my phone at 9pm. Thats help me a lot...and if I dont do that I see myself in danger, like if I crossed the line. Yes mabe I can walk there...but its dangerous!

    Sport help me a lot also. I have a high energy and everyday I need to use it because otherwise this fire will burn myself from the inside.

    I really appreciate to write your comment and ferl that even we dont know eachother we can take good care of eachother. I feel less alone and nourrish my hope a lot.

    Thank you! Take care
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  7. Florian83

    Florian83 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your answer my friend! I wish you also all the best in this path of discovering ourselves and the truth.

    Stay strong and in peace
     
  8. BrowneyedBri

    BrowneyedBri Fapstronaut

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    I read your story and it is very inspiring !
    It is only a minor setback but you will bounce 100x farther !
    I am rooting for you !
    Best of luck !
    YOU CAN DO THIS!
     
    Florian83 likes this.
  9. Florian83

    Florian83 Fapstronaut

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    We can do this brother! I am with you.

    Thank you for your message.
     

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