Florian83
Fapstronaut
Dear community,
I am Florian, 33 years old and I am now in my rebirth process and I need your help for that. To explain whats bring me here I think I need to go back a bit in my childhood. I grew up in a chaotic family situation. My mother suffer of mental illness since I am born and my daily life when I was a child was made from violence between my parents, the alcoolism of my father, the multiple time when my mother went to the hospital. I felt abandoned and alone during all my young life. Anger and revolt took place in me and fears, anxiety and depression followed.
At the age of 14 years old I got my first computer and I discovered internet. I watched a lot of skateboard, bmx and music video until I discovered porn. It was my only escape at this time and beside pleasure I consum a lot of porn just to survived I guess. I suffered from social anxiety and I remember that I was to able to take the bus even for one stop, talk to someone or take the elevator. After, I lived some strong panic attack and I stayed in my bed in the dark for weeks without any understanding from my family because they suffered so my too they had a lack of empathy and compassion.
For years I lived like a ghost wishing for another day and something different. Anger and pain were my only reasons to live and survive. All the stress and frustration built my values of life and for years my only possibilitie of catching a breath was the sex. Sex in all forms guided my steps for years and years. I didnt want to see friends I just wanted to find new sexual partner. It was never enough...not enough partner, not enough videos and not enough pictures. All the day sex was the only motivation and my only way to see and feel something different from my daily life and not being in contact wirh the pain of my mother, the pain of my father and the pain of not having a secure environement!
This attitude destroyed absolutly all opportunity to build a relationship with someone and I created a life of solitude and shame. No hope for the futur was the energy I used to live. In all this long nightmare I had lucky because I never took any drugs and I didnt felt into drinking. I discovered combat sport and punk-hardcore music and these aspects of my life saved me but destroyed me in the same time. I finally found a place to express my rage and frustration but after some years I felt like 'expression' became 'creation'. I just gave food to my negativ emotion and gave them a place to grow.
At the age of 25 I discovered meditation with the teaching of the vietnamise zen master thich nath hanh. I opened a new door in my life and I finaly was able to put light in the dark places inside of me. A new path started for me and even my sex addiction was still here I was more and more able to watch that suffering with my eyes wide open.
In the beginning of the year I lived a really hard time and all my worst habits and behaviors appears strongly again. I was dying inside of me and I needed to do something otherwise I think I could kill myself. I choose to left everything and travel. When I celebrate my 33 years old birthday alone in a hotel room I decide that enough is enough and now I need to take my sex addiction seriously. I decide that I stop watching porn and mastubate! I took a cold shower in the same time and I was feeling so down that it was my only option. I started my travel and for 8 months I traveled the world working as a volunteer and for 8 months I didnt watched porn, mastubate or looking for sex. I felt so good. I felt like a new me, a total rebirth and for the first time I loved who I was. Finaly it was not so hard to stop masturbate and watching porn. The travel and the new environement helped me a lot to disconnect with my negativ habits. I really start to think 'thats it, I am free, I am cured, I am saved!'. I started to use my sexual energy in a positiv way as reading books and even starting to write my own book trying to share my experience with the idea of helping the young people who suffer from a unstable and mental illness parent. I felt great. I have seen life from the bright side and I took good care of me.
But when I cameback home...the nightmare started again. The day I cameback I connected with my mother, father and I bring back all my negativ environement....and of course...I watched porn again...I mastubate again...And I felt like shit again...
Now I feel very lost and all my 8 months of travel and all the effort I made to change myself and improve myself look like nothing...
Dear community...I need your help. I would love to share, read, write and connect with some of you. I can not stay alone now and I can not do it alone!
I hope having news from some of you very soon.
Thank you
I am Florian, 33 years old and I am now in my rebirth process and I need your help for that. To explain whats bring me here I think I need to go back a bit in my childhood. I grew up in a chaotic family situation. My mother suffer of mental illness since I am born and my daily life when I was a child was made from violence between my parents, the alcoolism of my father, the multiple time when my mother went to the hospital. I felt abandoned and alone during all my young life. Anger and revolt took place in me and fears, anxiety and depression followed.
At the age of 14 years old I got my first computer and I discovered internet. I watched a lot of skateboard, bmx and music video until I discovered porn. It was my only escape at this time and beside pleasure I consum a lot of porn just to survived I guess. I suffered from social anxiety and I remember that I was to able to take the bus even for one stop, talk to someone or take the elevator. After, I lived some strong panic attack and I stayed in my bed in the dark for weeks without any understanding from my family because they suffered so my too they had a lack of empathy and compassion.
For years I lived like a ghost wishing for another day and something different. Anger and pain were my only reasons to live and survive. All the stress and frustration built my values of life and for years my only possibilitie of catching a breath was the sex. Sex in all forms guided my steps for years and years. I didnt want to see friends I just wanted to find new sexual partner. It was never enough...not enough partner, not enough videos and not enough pictures. All the day sex was the only motivation and my only way to see and feel something different from my daily life and not being in contact wirh the pain of my mother, the pain of my father and the pain of not having a secure environement!
This attitude destroyed absolutly all opportunity to build a relationship with someone and I created a life of solitude and shame. No hope for the futur was the energy I used to live. In all this long nightmare I had lucky because I never took any drugs and I didnt felt into drinking. I discovered combat sport and punk-hardcore music and these aspects of my life saved me but destroyed me in the same time. I finally found a place to express my rage and frustration but after some years I felt like 'expression' became 'creation'. I just gave food to my negativ emotion and gave them a place to grow.
At the age of 25 I discovered meditation with the teaching of the vietnamise zen master thich nath hanh. I opened a new door in my life and I finaly was able to put light in the dark places inside of me. A new path started for me and even my sex addiction was still here I was more and more able to watch that suffering with my eyes wide open.
In the beginning of the year I lived a really hard time and all my worst habits and behaviors appears strongly again. I was dying inside of me and I needed to do something otherwise I think I could kill myself. I choose to left everything and travel. When I celebrate my 33 years old birthday alone in a hotel room I decide that enough is enough and now I need to take my sex addiction seriously. I decide that I stop watching porn and mastubate! I took a cold shower in the same time and I was feeling so down that it was my only option. I started my travel and for 8 months I traveled the world working as a volunteer and for 8 months I didnt watched porn, mastubate or looking for sex. I felt so good. I felt like a new me, a total rebirth and for the first time I loved who I was. Finaly it was not so hard to stop masturbate and watching porn. The travel and the new environement helped me a lot to disconnect with my negativ habits. I really start to think 'thats it, I am free, I am cured, I am saved!'. I started to use my sexual energy in a positiv way as reading books and even starting to write my own book trying to share my experience with the idea of helping the young people who suffer from a unstable and mental illness parent. I felt great. I have seen life from the bright side and I took good care of me.
But when I cameback home...the nightmare started again. The day I cameback I connected with my mother, father and I bring back all my negativ environement....and of course...I watched porn again...I mastubate again...And I felt like shit again...
Now I feel very lost and all my 8 months of travel and all the effort I made to change myself and improve myself look like nothing...
Dear community...I need your help. I would love to share, read, write and connect with some of you. I can not stay alone now and I can not do it alone!
I hope having news from some of you very soon.
Thank you
