Rebirth

What's up everybody,

I guess it'll be good to give you guys some context as to why I am here. Like everyone else I've suffered from porn addiction for a while now, long enough to know it's keeping me from living my life to the fullest. It took some time, but I am understanding now that my addiction is the main thing keeping me from living a balanced lifestyle.

I think it goes back to my early days in high school. I can remember a time where I had supreme confidence in myself. I was busy being a 14 year old and humility isn't exactly the thing to have during those years. At the time, I was getting lots of girls on a consistent basis- everything was cool. Anyway, there was an injury I had playing sports which resulted in me losing my two front teeth, and that changed everything. I lost confidence in myself because I felt like everyone was staring at the gap in my teeth. It really hurt when I saw how people responded to me after the injury. I noticed people not wanting to talk or hang out like before. In response to that, I fell into this dangerous habit of watching porn. At first it was just something I did to get by. It seemed like something that was no big deal since, at that age, everyone you know is probably watching it too.

Anyway, watching porn became more habitual as time went on. I'd end up watching at least once a week, then every other day. I had been able to have sex before going to college but I knew, even then, that I was not reaching my full potential as a man. Going into college, the same behavior continued. I realized how destructive it was when I began feeling very depressed and paranoid whenever I went out in public. Still, I had some fun in school but there was a frequency, a connection with other people I felt was and is still lacking in my life.

Now I'm a couple months away from graduating and I really believe that changing my behavior will radically change my life for the better. I've steadily began slowing down. It went from once a day, to every couple days, to once a week, to now once every two weeks.

I honestly believe I can go 100 days without it.

Its a big challenge but I know I need it, I know I owe it to myself. I'm ready to atone for the time wasted behind the screen of my computer.

When I look at myself in the mirror and honestly think about what I want in life, porn never shows up on my list. I'm at the point now that I want a better life for myself more than I've ever wanted to watch some clips online. Just as a person living in this world, I've grown to understand that its the relationships that we build over time that matter more than anything, and watching porn keeps you from going out and creating those relationships with people. As a write this my mind bounces around to so many different points worth sharing but at the end of the day, I want to be able to have a family to share my life and success with, and I'll be willing to do whatever it takes to see that through.

 

Thanks for all your support.

Right now my strategy is to take it one day at a time. I'm starting to notice how this cycle starts for me.
When I go out and see others living their lives sometimes I get caught up in comparing myself to them and I always lose.
In my mind I start telling myself that I'm just shit in a pile, I'll never change, and I'm stupid for trying- and those thoughts push me to the same old behavior.

What I noticed was that inner voice is my addiction talking. That voice dominates my thoughts because it turns into a deep hole- I'd start thinking about things I've done in the past, time I wasted, opportunities with real people that past me by. All that is the catalyst for me. But now, when I feel those thoughts coming back on I combat it with more positive ideas. All I know now is that is battle against PMO is cerebral, so for me its about making a conscious effort to orient my thoughts in a more positive direction as much as possible.